RandBalls Stu

Longtime Minnesota Twins mascot leaves a trail of blood and fur as new uniforms land this weekend. Image courtesy of Adam/Flickr The Minnesota Twins rolled out their 2024 City Connect jerseys this week, to generally positive reviews. The multiple shades of blue with some yellow and subtle pink accents were certainly a departure from the team’s traditional red-and-blue mix. One negative review came from an unlikely source: TC Bear, the team’s animal/human hybrid mascot, who went on a hate-fueled rampage, leaving dozens mauled and injured. A police source says that when the uniforms were delivered to the team clubhouse, the mere sight triggered what some are calling “bloodlust” in the pretend bear, as he began clawing and clubbing anything and anyone nearby. “I don’t know if it was the colors or the design, but something about the uniforms clearly set TC off,” said the source. “It’s remarkable that no one was more seriously hurt.” TC Bear’s ire seemed trained itself on local media, who were in the clubhouse at the time for the reveal and to gather player reactions. “His eyes went almost completely black, like a doll’s eyes,” said a source on the team’s training staff. “But he seemed laser-focused on going after the beat writers, rather than the players.” “He eyed up Willi Castro pretty good, but when he saw (MLB.com’s) Do-Hyoung Park taking notes next to him, he was just a blur,” said a member of the coaching staff. “TC picked Do up and threw him like a javelin.” Despite the journalist-shaped impact crater, Park escaped serious injury. “I was on Jeopardy!,” said the sportswriter. “Twice.” TC continued mauling his way through the interior of Target Field before lumbering out of the park and into the North Loop neighborhood, where he was finally sedated with the help of an unlikely hero. “The fake man-bear was on the back patio of Cuzzy’s throwing some bros from Target corporate around like rag dolls,” said an eyewitness. “Then (The Athletic’s) Aaron Gleeman approached him and put his neck fan over TC’s shoulders. I could hear him say, ‘Sleep, friend. Sleep.’ He was out like a light, just like that. “There is no greater friend to wildlife or humankind than Aaron Gleeman.” TC is being held in a dimly lit Roseville warehouse for further observation from a team of mysterious doctors. The Twins will debut their City Connect jerseys tonight versus Oakland. Image license here. View full article

A partial list. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports File this away for his future canonization campaign--and let's hope that's the next time he becomes a Saint. Broke a 20-year playoff victory drought. Displayed competence in Yankee Stadium. Executed perfect zipper merge in rush hour traffic at the 94/494/694 interchange in Maple Grove. Even gave a little wave to other motorists. Turned water into refreshing Gatorade. Tamed a feral TC Bear with the power of song, saving the life of a terrified Steven Okert. Tamed a feral White Sox fan with the power of song, turning her into a productive member of polite society with a job and a 401(k). Missed Paul Skenes in the rotation this weekend. Found a Twins baseball game on cable television. Convinced his other friends in the group chat not to bully the one friend who is an Android user. Went to Target and purchased exactly what he needed and nothing more. Folded a fitted sheet and a duvet cover without swearing or starting over. Had a conversation with my dad that didn’t mention the Minnesota Vikings or the weather. Tried CrossFit, enjoyed it, but didn’t make it his whole personality. Same thing with vegan food, IPAs, Stanley tumblers, and distance running. Gets hurt nearly as much as Byron Buxton but doesn’t have every insurrection uncle in Lino Lakes mad at him for being soft. Rather than cutting a piece off and leaving an even smaller piece, finished the last donut in the box in the office kitchen. Doesn’t get weird about the WNBA, Caitlin Clark, and hard fouls. Turned Jurassic Park into a safe, profitable, family-friendly resort with zero security hiccups. Finds value in both statistical analysis and more traditional scouting. Can name all the Prime (Twins Player Last Name) accounts on Twitter and rank them on a scale from Weirdest to Still Weird but Less Troubled. As foretold by the Bene Gesserit, Royce is the Lisan al Gaib, the Kwisatz Haderach, the last Duke of House Atreides, our last, best hope in the epochal war versus House Harkonnen and/or the Cleveland Guardians. Tell the Pope to stay close to his saint-making thingy. (Though let's wait and see how Jurassic Park plays out over a slightly longer timeframe first.) View full article

‘People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.’ Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports While most of the conversation surrounding Joe Ryan has been around his excellent start to 2024, there’s an undercurrent occupying the office hours of actuaries, underwriters, and healthcare professionals: Should the health impacts of the Twins pitcher’s smoldering good looks be covered under your employer- or goverment-sponsored insurance plan? Most major insurers now say yes, as Minnesota-based UnitedHealth Group joined Aetna, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and Kaiser Permanente on Thursday in covering Joe Ryan-based health incidents. “My dude is a smokeshow,” said Dennis Hurlburt, a spokesperson for UnitedHealth Group. “That devil-may-care gleam, the perfectly imperfect facial hair…it’s no wonder people enter what can best be described as a fugue state and drive their Honda Civic right through the garage. Geico’s not paying for that.” Much like other preventive care procedures (like physicals, mammograms, and cancer screenings), getting lost in Joe Ryan’s dreamy eyes will be covered 100%, at no cost to the policyholder. Industry reform advocates say this is a step in the right direction. “You might be going about your day, working on your spreadsheets or running the ham slicer at Jersey Mike’s, then boom, Minnesota’s number-two starting pitcher is top of mind,” said Gina Zinner, a patient advocate for the Minneapolis VA. “You imagine yourself running your fingers through his tousled hair, talking about your favorite Led Zeppelin albums. Next thing you know, a month of P&L statements or your ring finger are gone. Something needed to be done. “People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.” Neither the Twins nor Ryan had any comment on the decision, but a team source said they are reconsidering their Joe Ryan Holds Your Hand and Makes Direct Eye Contact With You While You Talk About Your Complicated Relationship With Your Father promotion in late July. “He has kind eyes,” said the source. “It’s too much. It’s just too much.” View full article

The cased meat sits down with Twins Daily to talk about its humble beginnings, its rise to fame, and its controversial social media posts. Image courtesy of Cloverdale Foods Company One of the few constants in a roller-coaster 2024 Twins seasons is Tangy, a Cloverdale-brand summer sausage that has become a rallying totem for Minnesota. In an occasionally contentious interview, Tangy addressed its beginnings, its place in the locker room, and its rumored relationship with a budding pop star. Edited for length and clarity. Twins Daily: Thanks so much for taking time out of your schedule to chat with us. Tangy: No, thank you. Love the work your site does. TD: First of all, what makes you Tangy? Tangy: It’s a proprietary spice blend that’s added to the grind during production. You’re going to get some salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc. But the rest is what sets me apart. TD: Do I detect fennel? Tangy: I’ll never tell, wink-wink. TD: Haha, yes. Anyway, when did you realize you’d gone from a humble sandwich/meat-and-cheese board staple to an integral part of this baseball team? Tangy: No doubt, it’s when I bonked Carlos Santana in the head. You always worry about how millionaire athletes will handle getting pelted with meats and other foodstuffs. To his credit, Santana was unfazed. He’s a veteran. Said that Larry Bowa once threw an entire pot roast at him because he thought he didn’t hustle out a grounder. TD: I know this is an uncomfortable subject for you, but your current appearance— Tangy: I know where this is going, let me have it. TD: Well, you look a little worse for wear. Tangy: Dude, I look like hell. No need to sugarcoat it. TD: But at the same time, you smell…OK? Not like a field of lilacs, but given your current visual state, I’m not running out of the room. Tangy: I’m shelf-stable! The preservatives (Cloverdale) pumped into me to keep me delicious might as well be from BALCO. I’m indestructible, buddy. TD: You kind of smell like a gas-station Subway. Tangy: One of those ones that’s the only thing on the Nebraska interstate for the next 40 miles? And there’s a trucker sleeping in one of the booths? TD: Exactly. Tangy: Yeah, I get that. TD: OK, I need to ask you about some of your social media posts. Tangy: Oh, here we go. I thought Morse (Twins PR maven Dustin Morse) said we wouldn’t be talking about that. TD: Given that your most recent Instagram live post said you were unafraid to answer any questions, I can’t imagine anything is off the table. Tangy: Typical “gotcha” journalism. Sad, really, I expect better from Twins Daily than for you to try to cancel me. TD: Well, if you’re going to say, as you did last week, that, and I quote, “Bologna is just summer sausage that was homeschooled by an idiot,” people are going to react. Tangy: There’s not one word of that that isn’t true. TD: People like bologna! Tangy: They also liked The Macarena. Trends don’t last. Summer sausage does. TD: You characterize bologna as trendy? Tangy: Brother, go to one of those Fancy Dan restaurants that call their sandwiches “handhelds” or some crap. They’ll have an $18 artisan bologna sandwich with house-made gouda. Good luck finding an honest, working man’s protein like summer sausage on the menu. TD: Fair enough. Before I let you go, would you care to address the rumors connecting you to pop star Sabrina Carpenter? Tangy: We’re just good friends. TD: When you were pictured together backstage at Saturday Night Live on their season finale, it got people talking. Tangy: Lorne (Michaels, longtime SNL producer) invited me. Big fan of the show, big fan of Sabrina. You’re not going to get me to say anything else. It’s both irrelevant and frankly no one else’s business. TD: Thank you for your time. Tangy: This is why no one trusts the media. Just creating something out of nothing. Sick of this. Morse is going to hear about this. View full article

Can't stand 'em! Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons/Scott Kipp Remember last year, when the Twins won the season series versus the New York Yankees? It was great! After decades of humbling, soul-crushing defeats, the Twins were the better team--both at Target Field and, somehow, at Yankee Stadium. It felt like a prelude to Minnesota also relieving itself of its humbling, soul-crushing playoff losing streak, while the Yankees missed the postseason entirely. So, about this year. The Yankees have returned to form, holding the best record in the American League as of this writing. The Twins cut payroll and sustained a ton of injuries, but a scorching 17-3 run entering their first series with the Bronx Bombers provided optimism. It didn’t last. The starting pitchers surrendered mammoth dongs, the offense was anemic, and the defense was a SuperFund site. It all contributed to a series sweep at home and a familiar, nauseating sensation. Yankees vs. Twins is back, and it sucks. But you don’t need me to tell you that. What you need is a list of things I personally blame on the New York Yankees, whom I hate with a renewed vigor: Human want. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering the start of World War I. Google search being nothing but ads now. Amazon not renewing Patriot for a third season. Mosquitoes. Climate change. The dang kids these days. Aaron Boone time-traveling to 1919 and giving Shoeless Joe Jackson an old-timey Draft Kings account, kickstarting the Black Sox scandal. Canadian wildfire smoke. Fanatics uniforms. The price of eggs. The ravages of age and time. The Mayor of Amity not closing the beaches on July 4th, even though there’s obviously a great white shark in the water. ESPN airing debate shows in the morning instead of Sports Center. Yung Gravy. Lumpy Gravy. Wavy Gravy. Steve Garvey. The Savings & Loan Crisis. Three Mile Island. Chernobyl. Injuries to all the good pitchers. No one ever making a documentary about the Rally Room. Hangnails. The Salem witch trials. The Teapot Dome Scandal. The road construction between Woodbury and Hudson. The ‘90s swing revival. The dude from Staind becoming a country singer and somehow getting worse. Dallas stealing the North Stars. Hangovers. Loneliness. Nikola Jokic destroying your hopes and dreams despite looking and moving like a sock full of oatmeal. In conclusion, I just don’t like the New York Yankees. God does, though, and that just makes me madder. Image license here. View full article

Twins Daily investigates. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Victor For a team on an absolute heater with their ace on the mound, there was legit concern heading into Minnesota’s Thursday afternoon getaway game against Seattle. The Mariners were running out Logan Gilbert, and the only rested bullpen arms were the ones that got shellacked during Tuesday’s hideous 10-6 loss. It would be a heavy lift, even if Pablo López dominated. The Twins were up 8-1 after four innings. What gives? With the Twins on fire, the toast of the NBA playoffs across the street, MNUFC at the top of the table, and the godless Chicago White Sox damned for all time, it’s as good a spring as any in recent Minnesota sports history. The old heads in the crowd, NOT WITHOUT DECADES OF REASONS, are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Things can’t stay this good, Royce Lewis is still a ways from coming back, the Nuggets are the defending champions, the Loons’ best player finds new flights to miss every week, Maya Moore is retired. Just watch. You get your hopes up, you crash to the unforgiving (if rich) Minnesota topsoil. The vibes mislead. They're just too good, right? Right? To paraphrase Eli Cash, what these vibes presuppose is…maybe they aren’t? The vibes are correct. Baseball players are some of the weirdest, most superstitious dudes alive. That something as goofy as a rally sausage bubbles (literally, at this point in its decay) to the surface during a peerless stretch of play is just, like, tremendous. It's a reminder that elite athletes are also just the biggest dorks. Rocco Baldelli's entire persona is that of the proud, frustrated parent who must wrangle his 26 idiot sons, all of whom are about to get kicked out of the hotel pool for horseplay. The vibes are correct, because a team like that is fun as hell to watch, even when the team makes it tough to do so. The vibes are correct, because Anthony Edwards is Him, and His team plays defense like you made them mad, and Naz Reid. The vibes are correct because I saw two separate Loons fans smile when talking about the team. Two! The vibes will return to a lesser, sadder state. They have to. Midwestern suffering demands it. Vikings training camp looms. Wile E. Coyote will look down and see the canyon floor. But right now, we’re all here, together, defying gravity. The sausage is a shelf-stable food item. Maybe we can live forever. Float on. Image license here. View full article

The team is also working with DirecTV and WCCO to disable satellites, jam radio signals. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund The Minnesota Twins are on their longest winning streak since 2008. They have a goofy home run celebration. They’re back in town for a seven-game homestand. And thanks to a groundbreaking front office initiative, you’ll be able to harness the power of your imagination to enjoy the rest of the season. “The best way to experience Twins baseball is with the mind’s eye,” said a team spokesperson. “That’s why we’re closing Target Field to all spectators and media, effective immediately.” This break with the tradition of being able to watch a game with your eyes comes in the wake of Comcast removing Bally Sports North from their cable programming. “We agree that its unfair to Comcast subscribers that they can no longer watch their favorite team,” said the spokesperson. “Locking the Target Field gates levels the playing field for our fans.” In addition to preventing a live audience from viewing the games, the team is also working with other media providers like DirecTV (satellite) and WCCO (radio) to cease coverage of the team. “We were looking over the books and it turns out the Pohlads (the family who owns the Minnesota Twins) have their own defense contractor,” said the spokesperson. “Apparently, the same technology that turns family farms into Dollar Generals can also be used to knock out relay towers. It gives us some much-needed leverage.” “I thought that sounded like blackmail,” said a WCCO employee of the tactic. “But they said it’s not blackmail if you’re rich.” The team says they hope this unorthodox curation of the in-stadium and at-home experience encourages fans to reassess how they consume media. “Everyone knows too much screen time is bad for you,” said the spokesperson. “And if you’re at Target Field, you’re not home with your family, which encourages things like drug use and wokeness.” As for how fans can follow the team going forward, the spokesperson said, “The oral tradition predates the printing press. Stories will travel from person to person, strengthening the bonds of family and enriching our neighborhoods. If you want to know if Austin Martin is getting called up, put down your phone and ask someone.” Although closing Target Field will have a decidedly negative impact on the team’s finances, one source close to the front office said the team is prepared. “Here’s the deal: People like baseball, but they love generational wealth,” said the source. “The lack of fans in the stands means we’ll have to shed payroll in the offseason. There might be some ruffled feathers in the fan base, but at the end of the day, the majority just want to know if the Pohlads are going to be alright. And they will be once we get that payroll down to a more manageable $40-50 million. That kind of flexibility is more valuable than any championship.” Image license here. View full article

Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund It’s come to the attention of Twins Daily that the Chicago White Sox are pathetic. Real chumps. A startling collection of losebags. Watching them gift-wrap a series sweep for the struggling, injury-ravaged Minnesota Twins, even when the Twins seemed perfectly willing to give them a game or even two, you know, as a treat, cemented this perception. Truly, the South Siders have been abandoned by God and love, much like their mutant, criminal fans, all of whom are reading this from jail, family court, or an abandoned Portillo’s. We know, through interacting with them online and at Twins Daily events, that our readers are kind, decent, and thoughtful, often named Gregg for some reason. They feel for those having a hard time, a rough go, a stretch of bad luck. It’s perfectly natural for them to look at the woebegone White Sox and experience a tinge of sympathy. After all, they likely remember a Twins squad or three that approached this level of galactic incompetence. The sheer, unadulterated suck is familiar. My message to these fans: Ignore your feelings. Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it. The feckless Chicago White Sox have earned this. A vile collection of misfits, unloved and damned for all time, they deserve only your contempt. As any student of history knows, John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln. And yet, have you ever heard anyone from the White Sox organization denounce this heinous crime? That silence, that unwillingness to go on the record, rings louder than any confession ever could. Remember Samuel Mudd, the doctor who set Booth's leg after the assault? No historical sources we've consulted state that that man wasn't the first team doctor of the Chicago White Sox. Over a century of ugliness, of playing games in shorts, of being the most annoying baseball team in a city that also has the Cubs, led us to the unwatchable bungling of today. These clumsy oafs are only meant for disdain and ridicule. Let them have it. Let them hear it at Target Field. Let them hear it at whatever soon-to-be-litigated-into-receivership business their home stadium is named after this year. It’s important to note: If you see one of their fans in the wild, you might be tempted to offer solace. Don't. Distracting a Tilt-a-Whirl operator who hasn’t slept in a couple days has led to many of America's most gruesome carnival disasters. In short, I’m glad this is happening, and I hope it happens for a good, long time. Suffer. The Bears suck, too. Image license here. View full article

‘We were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no group of players could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/NCI In response to the Minnesota Twins’ horrific start on offense, leading baseball scientists have been forced to lower the Mendoza Line for the first time since its creation in 1979. “While a .200 batting average has long been considered the benchmark for offensive ineptitude, circumstances change,” said Dr. Gwendolyn Sparks. “We’re lowering that mark to .195. God help us all.” The Twins currently sit at .193 for the season, with multiple everyday players hitting well below even that. “This is not a decision we take lightly,” said Dr. Campbell Young. “Indeed, we were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no team could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.” The Mendoza Line is named after light-hitting journeyman infielder Mario Mendoza, who posted a .198 average over 148 games in 1979 for the Seattle Mariners. “We bumped it up to .200 because it made sense to go with a round number,” said Dr. Young of the decision. “It never crossed our minds that someone, much less an entire team, could ever fall below that. “Also, Mario finished his career with a .215 average. That’s 22 points north of the Twins. He shouldn’t be taking these kinds of strays, honestly.” Sources say some baseball scientists may be looking to rectify that situation by renaming the Mendoza Line to better recognize the futility of the current Twins offense. Twins Daily received a working document from a source with knowledge of the discussions, and we’ve been given permission to share the suggestions: The Castro District Hitting the Wallner The Farmer’s Slaughter Santana, featuring Robbed Offense The Vasquez Vortex Margot Back to Triple-A Deadball Julien Minimum Kepler “Obviously, injuries have cratered their depth, but the numbers are the numbers,” said Dr. Sparks. “No one gave Mario an asterisk for playing on a terrible Seattle team.” “They say the hardest thing in sports is hitting a baseball,” said Dr. Young. “They never tell you how sad it makes everyone when they don’t.” The Twins return to Target Field on Friday for a three-game series against Detroit. God help us all. Image license here. View full article

'I thought it was about dingers. It was not.” Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Passe When Minnesota Twins Communications/Marketing/PR Director Dustin Morse put the call out on social media for Target Field sing-a-long suggestions, it seemed like a fun idea for audience participation. “This kind of filth has no place in the public sphere, let alone Target Field,” said Tom Halden, director of communications for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. “I am disgusted.” That was just one of a flurry of outraged statements from civic and religious leaders after Wednesday afternoon’s sing-a-long to Sexyy Red’s “Pound Town.” The song, which documents the artist’s pursuit of a romantic partner in explicit, hyper-specific detail, rang out between the 5th and 6th innings to the shock and horror of many in attendance, especially the families who were at the park for Impressionable Children’s Day. “My oldest asked me what [EXPLETIVE] on my [EXPLETIVE] meant,” said Angie Radtke, a fan who attended the game with her husband and three children. “I was too shocked to say anything, so Tanner started Googling it on his iPad. I’ve never seen his eyes get that wide. The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.” As for how such a provocative song made its way to the Target Field sound system, there are more questions than answers. “We’re conducting an internal review and will not be commenting on an ongoing investigation,” said the team in a prepared statement. An employee in stadium operations, who requested anonymity to comment freely on the incident, said that he was ultimately at fault. “OK, here’s the truth: I’m so, so tired of ‘Mr. Brightside,’” said the employee, referencing the 2004 Killers hit that’s frequently been used for audience sing-a-longs. “Anything would be preferable, even what looks to be my likely termination. When I checked Dustin’s social media mentions and saw that someone called 'PrimeShooterHunt' requested ‘Pound Town,’ I went with it. I thought it was about dingers. “It is not. It is very much not.” With no home games until next Friday, the team has time to choose a more appropriate song. “After Wednesday’s unfortunate incident, we’re performing due diligence on our next song,” said a front office source. “Also, in case anyone was wondering, ‘Baby Got Back’ is not about backs. “Butts. It’s about butts,” the source added. Image license here. View full article

In another universe, a universe just like ours, the Metrodome was never torn down. Target Field was never built. This is a story from that universe. Image courtesy of Flickr/Bradley Johnson Hope springs eternal. Except for your Minnesota Twins. On a gorgeous April day, the local nine dropped their seventh consecutive home opener under a Teflon sky, falling 8-1 to the defending AL West champion Portland Devil Rays before an announced crowd of 11,341 at the MyPillow Metrodome. The winless Twins (0-6) join the Chicago White Sox and the Kansas City Royals of Kansas as the only major-league teams without a 2024 victory. Minnesota’s No. 1 starter, Randy Dobnak (0-2), couldn’t find his groove, surrendering four runs in 3 2/3 innings of work. The team’s unproven bullpen continued to struggle, with a towering three-run blast from Portland’s Shohei Ohtani off Jorge López putting the game well out of reach. It was the third home run allowed in as many games for the embattled López, who entered the season as the team’s closer and highest-paid player. An anemic Twins offense could only manage one run off Rays starter Justin Verlander, a solo home run from DH Kennys Vargas that barely cleared the Circuit City Baggie in right field. New Twins manager Toby Gardenhire said he’s as frustrated as the fans are. “Obviously, coming off another 100-loss season, you want to put your best foot forward,” said Gardenhire. “It stinks. It’s not a question of effort, we’ve just got a lot of young guys who need to grow up fast.” The dwindling fan base is restless as well. “It’s the same old, same old,” said Twins fan John Bonnes. “They can’t get out of their own way, and it’s 70 degrees outside. Why would anyone show up?” Bonnes hosts the Minnesota Sports Geek podcast, which is perhaps best known for its former co-host, Aaron Gleeman, now awaiting sentencing for his part in orchestrating millions of dollars in Beanie Baby fraud. Bonnes says it’s not easy being a Minnesota fan of any sport these days. “The Twins are cellar dwellers. The Vikings just won a second Super Bowl in San Antonio to rub salt in the wound. The Timberwolves made the finals for Seattle last year. The United are still playing out in Blaine, hoping to get that MLS team. The only club worth a damn is the Wild, and ever since they moved to Duluth, the Twin Cities are a sports wasteland. It’s the reason KFAN switched to all-religious programming. I miss when Reverend Meat Sauce talked sports.” The team’s continued floundering comes amid Minneapolis Mayor Josh Hartnett’s most recent attempt to revive the city's desolate North Loop, which would include an open-air stadium behind the Déjà Vu nightclub, the only open business in the struggling neighborhood. Twins team owner, U.S. Vice President Mike Lindell, was traveling to promote President Trump’s Make The Purge Real Act and could not be reached for comment on the team’s rough start. Minnesota and Portland are back at it on Saturday afternoon, when Andrew Albers (0-1) will take on Zack Littell (1-0). The first 5,000 fans in attendance will receive a commemorative There IS Smoking in the Metrodome ashtray, honoring the 2021 Supreme Court decision that made smoking bans illegal. Image license here. View full article

From the first pitch to postgame fireworks, each team does something special to recognize the first day of baseball. Image courtesy of Flickr/pingping The pageantry. The pomp. The horse poop. Opening Day brings special sights, sounds, and smells to all 30 ballparks each spring. Let's take a tour of the league's treasured traditions. AL CENTRAL Detroit Tigers: Instead of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” fans sing along to Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” during the 7th-inning stretch. Cleveland Guardians: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the old, racist mascot actually honored Native Americans. Chicago White Sox: Every fan re-states their allegiance to Baphomet, the Prince of Hell and Satan’s Liege. A lamb is slaughtered at second base. The godless Chicago White Sox then take the field for one of this year’s 105 losses. Kansas City Royals: Arguing about the best pre- and-post-game BBQ options leaves dozens slathered in sauces and slaw. Minnesota Twins: The giant inflatable milk jug from the Metrodome is drained, to provide Joe Mauer with his yearly supply of whole milk. He has one of those Bobby Bonilla lifetime contract things. AL EAST New York Yankees: They can rot in hell, I don’t care. Boston Red Sox: Same. Good job on being more annoying than the Yankees. That should be impossible. Tampa Bay Rays: Posting their yearly payroll on the scoreboard while fans cheer the thriftiness and frugality. Toronto Blue Jays: Something Canadian, probably? I’m not really sure what they do up there. A bag of all-dressed chips for the first 10,000 fans, let’s say. They’re really good. I’d go to that game. Baltimore Orioles: Each fan receives a commemorative Billy Ripken “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] Face” baseball card. They also can go to the left-field concourse and call Ripken that to his face. “I hate this, I wish this wasn’t happening,” says the former major leaguer. “Why do they make my children watch? Why is Cal (Ripken’s brother) yelling it so loud?” AL WEST Los Angeles Angels: Everyone in attendance feels kinda bad for Mike Trout again. Oakland A’s: The 73 remaining fans get food poisoning from the helmet nachos. Seattle Mariners: A nude, disoriented Jay Buhner throws out the first pitch. He wasn’t asked to do so. Also it’s midnight and he’s in your mud room. "Tell 'em The Bone sent ya," he shouts as he wanders into the cold, moonless night. Texas Rangers: A raucous sellout crowd comes to the collective realization that “Defending World Series champion Texas Rangers” is too weird of a concept to wrap your arms around and leaves before the 3rd inning. Houston Astros: Team officials admit that it’s still super messed up that Houston is in the American League. “It insults decency and the idea of a loving God,” they say in a statement read aloud in lieu of the National Anthem. “The universe is cold and indifferent to our suffering.” NL CENTRAL Chicago Cubs: Local youths run the bases after the game and attempt to find Ron Coomer in the outfield ivy. If he’s not found, that means it’s another 108 years before the next Cubs World Series title. St. Louis Cardinals: Celebrating another year as the fan base most likely to have something deeply wrong in their crawlspace. Also the Clydesdales. Milwaukee Brewers: Fans select the July date when they all agree to quit paying attention to baseball because of a Packers intrasquad scrimmage. Cincinnati Reds: The first 5,000 fans receive Johnny Bench’s Johnny Benches, a small, red bench for people to use in their bathroom while waiting for the person using the toilet to do their business. “Celebrate one of the game’s all-time greats while looking someone dead in the eye as they relieve themselves,” according to the team’s website. Pittsburgh Pirates: The team’s Smoke a Cigarette with Kent Tekulve Day is widely criticized once again for not having an age requirement. NL EAST Atlanta Braves: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the Tomahawk Chop actually honors Native Americans. Twenty miles away, the team breaks ground on another new stadium even farther from Atlanta. New York Mets: Sickos and pervs from all five boroughs get horny for Mrs. Met again. Philadelphia Phillies: Attempts to combat the stereotype of the brutal, vulgar Philadelphia sports fan go awry when the Opening Day Salute to Senior Citizens Holding Adorable Kittens is held on the same day as a baffling “Free Dozen Eggs for Absentee Fathers” giveaway. Washington Nationals: They admit the old Expos logo was straight fire and apologize for moving the franchise in both French and English. Miami Marlins: They bring the weird home run sculpture back for children to hit with bats, lead pipes, loose rocks, etc. “Soon it will die, as all things must,” says a team spokesperson. NL WEST Los Angeles Dodgers: The ceremonial setting of money on fire. They’ll get more, it’s fine. San Diego Padres: Annoying dudes remind unimpressed dates that the team colors are the same as McDonald’s because Ray Kroc used to own them. A bully gives them a swirlie later. San Francisco Giants: Honoring the victims of Opening Day 2018, when a misguided promotion for the film The Meg released a bunch of sharks into McCovey Cove, turning canoeists and kayakers into chum. Arizona Diamondbacks: Reminding the rest of the world that they were the other team in the World Series last year, and that it’s possible for long-suffering franchises to make an improbable postseason run. Colorado Rockies: Except for the Rockies. Image license here. View full article

‘I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy.’ Pitching is inherently an injury risk. The human body is not meant to do that. That’s why the news this week that Jhoan Durán, Caleb Thielbar, and Anthony DeSclafani would all start the season on the injured list (and in DeSclafani’s case, potentially stay there all season) disappointed many, but surprised few. Except for Logan Vandiver, an absolute load from Cottage Grove. “Here’s the deal: I thought if we traded Jorge Polanco, we’d get a pretty sweet starter out of the deal,” said the 37-year-old moron. “I know DeSclafani was banged up a lot last season, but I figured that would give him time to rest and recuperate.” The complete fool, who works in logistics for a local food service company, said he was equally taken aback by Thielbar’s bad hamstring. “I’m about the same age as Caleb,” said the dullard. “My hamstrings are just fine. I work out a couple times a week, go golfing in the summer, never had an issue. I know it’s not striking out the other team’s best left-handed hitter 20 years after high school, but I’m sound as a pound.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bozo also expressed surprise that Durán, MLB’s hardest thrower in 2023, could strain an oblique muscle. “OK, he’s a reliever, so that’s just a couple dozen pitches every two or three days at most,” said the sweet summer child. “If he was a starter, sure, only like Nolan Ryan and Justin Verlander throw that hard that often. But I guess I was wrong.” Friends say Vandiver’s credulous, dumbstruck ways have impacts on his own life as well. “At minimum, he’s fallen for three multi-level marketing schemes in the last two years,” said Gina Urquhart, a longtime co-worker. “He is sitting on a garage full of yoga pants and supplements that don’t work.” For his part, the simple, cornfed rube swears he didn’t see this coming. “I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy,” said the sap. Image license here. View full article