Twins Establish GoFundMe for Trade Deadline

The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. Despite an excellent chance at another playoff bid, the team needs a starting pitcher, and possibly a lefty reliever. But with TV revenue slashed, attendance numbers below projections, and ownership’s self-imposed frugality, the money just isn’t there to add payroll in a trade.

Unless you step up.

The Minnesota Twins announced the formation of a GoFundMe for the upcoming trade deadline. With a goal of $10,000,000, the team hopes they can raise enough capital to add a pitcher or two by July 30th.

“We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,” said a front office source. “Can you imagine having a crucial late-season start being made by someone you helped pay for? It gives all our fans some real skin in the game.”

Starter Chris Paddack won’t be back until after the deadline. With no guarantee that he’ll be both healthy and reliable in August and September, adding another arm to the rotation is a clear priority for a team in both the division title and Wild Card conversations.  

“Sportswriters and bloggers talk about buyers and sellers, and it sounds so exciting,” said the source. “Twins Territory should be a part of that conversation. With their checkbooks, to be specific. We have disabled comments on the fundraising page. Please, no more comments.”

With Tuesday just four days away, the fundraiser is off to what a source close to team ownership admits is a “soft” start.

“We’re currently sitting at $65. All the donations so far appear to be ironic or accidental.”

For local fans wary of online banking, the team also has a RBC Wealth Management Trade Money Bucket set up by Gate 7 at Target Field. Although no funds have been deposited, nearby residents have observed it being used as both an ashtray and emergency toilet.

If a trade doesn’t materialize and the money goes unused, all donations will be used to cover standard maintenance and cleaning of the marble and gold toilets at various Pohlad houses, lake homes, penthouses, villas, cottages, cabins, manors, country estates, island getaways, and retreats.

Image license here.