Getting Lost in Joe Ryan’s Eyes Now Covered Under Most Health Insurance Policies

While most of the conversation surrounding Joe Ryan has been around his excellent start to 2024, there’s an undercurrent occupying the office hours of actuaries, underwriters, and healthcare professionals: Should the health impacts of the Twins pitcher’s smoldering good looks be covered under your employer- or goverment-sponsored insurance plan?

Most major insurers now say yes, as Minnesota-based UnitedHealth Group joined Aetna, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and Kaiser Permanente on Thursday in covering Joe Ryan-based health incidents.

“My dude is a smokeshow,” said Dennis Hurlburt, a spokesperson for UnitedHealth Group. “That devil-may-care gleam, the perfectly imperfect facial hair…it’s no wonder people enter what can best be described as a fugue state and drive their Honda Civic right through the garage. Geico’s not paying for that.”

Much like other preventive care procedures (like physicals, mammograms, and cancer screenings), getting lost in Joe Ryan’s dreamy eyes will be covered 100%, at no cost to the policyholder.

Industry reform advocates say this is a step in the right direction.

“You might be going about your day, working on your spreadsheets or running the ham slicer at Jersey Mike’s, then boom, Minnesota’s number-two starting pitcher is top of mind,” said Gina Zinner, a patient advocate for the Minneapolis VA. “You imagine yourself running your fingers through his tousled hair, talking about your favorite Led Zeppelin albums. Next thing you know, a month of P&L statements or your ring finger are gone. Something needed to be done.

“People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.”

Neither the Twins nor Ryan had any comment on the decision, but a team source said they are reconsidering their Joe Ryan Holds Your Hand and Makes Direct Eye Contact With You While You Talk About Your Complicated Relationship With Your Father promotion in late July.

“He has kind eyes,” said the source. “It’s too much. It’s just too much.”