White Sox Fans Enjoy Fleeting Sense of Happiness Before Season Resumes

The godless Chicago White Sox had abysmal expectations heading into 2024. They spent the season’s first half unable (and some would argue unwilling) to clear even that low bar. Owning a 27-71 record and sitting a staggering 32.5 games out of first place, the South Siders are a masterclass in incompetence and sorrow. They don’t play baseball, so much as discover new ways to defile it. Ugliness is their gift, and every day is Christmas.

While it’s fair to question why anyone would watch this woebegone collection of anti-talent, the vanishingly small fanbase of criminals and perverts still exists, and they’ve truly enjoyed this respite from the trebuchet of misery.

“I woke up on Tuesday without feeling like this invisible weight was on my chest,” said Thom Broderick, 41, of Joliet, Ill.. “At first, I thought it was the sweet release of death, but then I realized it was the All-Star break. As someone who will spend many more years in jail for arson and insurance fraud, it was a welcome change from my normal routine.”

“It’s been so refreshing,” said Susan Galovich, 33, of Oak Lawn. “Usually, when I get done with a day of cold-calling senior citizens to steal their banking information, I settle in to watch the White Sox get flattened again. This week I’ve just been more in the moment, more present. I go to Home Depot, buy appliances with a credit card that isn’t mine, and stay one step ahead of the law.”

Fans say that this temporary relief is somewhat tainted by the knowledge that there are still months to go before the season ends.

“I’m enjoying it, but I know it can’t last,” said Henry Subkoviak, 53, of Berwyn. “You can always ignore the phone calls of debt collectors, the wife you abandoned for your secret other wife, or the secret other wife you abandoned for her sister, but there’s always another White Sox game. There’s not a burner phone in the world that can keep them from blowing another quality Erick Fedde start. And trust me, I know from burner phones.”

The White Sox resume play Friday night in Kansas City, in defiance of God’s will.

Image license here.