How to Talk to Your Children About Joe Ryan Heaving Talcum Powder into His Pants

Local parents and guardians (the regular kind, not the weird Cleveland kind) expressed concern this week, as a video clip surfaced of Minnesota Twins pitcher/smokeshow Joe Ryan going to town on his nether regions with a container of talcum powder in the dugout.

“I was watching the game with my two young sons, and they cut to the dugout after Carlos Correa hit a dinger,” said Karly Hill, a Lino Lakes mother and former LuLaRoe leggings tycoon. “He’s high-fiving his teammates and then they cut to another Twin exploring all the possibilities of his body. Skyler looked at me and asked, ‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ I didn’t have an answer. Then he and Weston ran to the refrigerator and started putting ketchup and mustard down the front of their pants, saying, ‘I’m Joe Ryan! I’m Joe Ryan!’ The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Listen, I get it, you gotta take care of yourself down there during the summer,” said Chad Leeman, a single father in the Annandale area. “Things get tropical in a hurry. But have some awareness of your surroundings. If you’re hammering away like it’s parmesan cheese at Olive Garden, that’s fine, but maybe step into the other room?"

Experts say that if your child has questions about the incident, the best thing to do is distract them with other things.

“Listen, there’s just no way you can delicately approach the subject of swamp ass and chafing with a young child, especially a boy,” said Abigail Goodloe, a child psychologist at the University of Minnesota. “They’re just going to hoot and holler for a week, then hurt themselves on a skateboard. What you need to do is say, ‘Hey, let’s go to Dairy Queen.’ Buy them something that makes noise. Show them a TikTok of a toilet that talks in a baby voice. You have no choice.”

Neither Ryan nor the Twins are commenting on the situation, although a team source expressed surprise that multiple fans found the game on television.

Image license here.