Twins Managerial Race Comes Down to Swimsuit Competition

[Lou Hennessy]

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

MINNEAPOLIS - After a weeks-long hunt to find their next skipper, the Twins have officially narrowed their search to four finalists. Now, it is believed that the job will be offered to whoever nails the fabled swimsuit competition. 
“All four have shown that they could be great leaders for the clubhouse in 2026 and beyond,” said Twins President Derek Falvey as he dusted off his bedazzled score placards while preparing for the competition. “But this is their chance to really let their star shine with some extra pizazz.”
The finalists are reportedly former Twins bench coach Derek Shelton, former Twins hitting coach James Rowson, Chicago Cubs bench coach Ryan Flaherty and veteran manager Scott Servais. Each would bring quality insight to the position, but they’ll have a big speedo to fill when it comes to the swimsuit competition. 
“This is really where Rocco wowed us in October of 2017,” said an unnamed judge (who may or may not be Target Field’s organist) in reference to outgoing Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “I mean, come on. The guy was a former standout volleyball player. He barely took two steps across the stage before I reached for my ‘10’ spot. Thad (Levine) wanted to give him a ‘9’ but I jabbed him with my pen under the table.”
It’s unclear which of the four finalists may have a leg up as they head into the contest. Rowson brings a hulking, powerful presence, which goes for his approach to the team’s offensive identity as well as his own physique. Flaherty, at 39 years old, has the youth factor on his side. Servais has the most experience, both as an MLB manager and as a greased-up veteran on the swimsuit competition circuit. But Shelton may have the ever-important “daddy vote” thanks to his rugged salt-and-pepper beard and fatherlike tendencies. 
Time will tell who will become the next head of the Twins clubhouse. But one thing is already certain - they are following a long list of legendary managers that were able to land their jobs thanks to this admittedly outdated practice. 
“You should have seen Tom Kelly’s swimsuit portion of his interview,” said Twins curator Clyde Doepner as he admired the legendary manager’s Zubaz-branded speedo hanging in a shadow box in Target Field’s Champions Club. “That guy knew two things better than anyone in Twins history: when to leave your pitcher in the game, and how to perfectly oil his body like a Thanksgiving turkey.”
 

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[DJL44]

A parody of beauty pageants and the manager selection process at the same time.

[rv78]

The talent competition will be limited to butt kissing. Falvey has assured all those involved that the best butt kisser will win the job regardless of who wins the swimsuit competition.

[ashbury]

7 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

 “But this is their chance to really let their star shine with some extra pizazz.”

 

I don't want to see any of their pizazzes.

[The Great Hambino]

BAH GAWD, THAT'S RON GARDENHIRE'S MUSIC!!!!!

[Rod Carews Birthday]

Argh!! My Eyes!!!!!

[thelanges5]

Shelton must be swole. 

[gil4]

On 10/29/2025 at 4:02 PM, Rod Carews Birthday said:

Argh!! My Eyes!!!!!

Let me help: