Pohlads Water Down Press Box Ranch Dressing

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Missvain/Creative Commons

Phil Miller noticed right away.

“I dunked a chicken strip in the ranch, expecting some of the dip to adhere to the strip,” said the Minnesota Star-Tribune Twins beat writer. “It simply ran right off. It barely even wetted the strip.”

Was this a sub-standard batch of ranch? A new catering company experiencing first-gig jitters? Operator error by a seasoned journalist having an off night at the press box feedbag?

As it turns out, it was simply a cost-cutting measure by ownership, as noted by team officials in a raucous Thursday press conference.

“Yes, we’ve watered down the press box ranch, per direction from ownership,” said Eli Adams, the team’s Director of Food Services & Dining, shouting to be heard over a ringing chorus of boos from the assembled media. “There is still ample flavor and viscosity for those willing to adjust their expectations.”

Multiple sources confirmed the decision to alter the savory dipping favorite had nothing to do with flavor and everything to do with the bottom line.

“Once attendance dipped in April, we got word to start adding water to the ranch trough,” said a source with knowledge of the Target Field prep kitchen. “I was told it was necessary to keep the team financially flexible.”

The press box traditionally has moderately-priced food offerings available to the journalists covering that day’s game. While it’s occasionally the source of playful griping between the team and the writers, no one was laughing on Thursday.

“You may find you need to dredge your protein choice in the dip 3-5 times, rather than the standard one-and-done,” said Adams at the presser. “I would remind everyone here that it sticks much better to the carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in the veggie platter.”

“Judas! Judas!” responded The Athletic’s Dan Hayes.

“We go through roughly 3-5 troughs of press box ranch dressing in an average series,” said the prep kitchen source. “We’ll sometimes exceed that when the opponent is from another ranch-forward town, like Chicago or Milwaukee.

“We’re only on our second trough of 2025. The savings are not insignificant.”

While the money saved may help the team down the road, those dealing with the here and now are left to pick up the pieces.

“If they bastardized the honey mustard or barbecue sauce, it would have barely sent a ripple,” said Miller. “But to dilute the ranch, the inarguable ace of the dipping staff, is another matter entirely. The garden-fresh tang and savory creaminess are simply absent. An atrocity.”

 “I’ve been a vocal critic of how the Pohlads have handled payroll issues the last two seasons, but this time it’s personal,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I don't even like ranch, but what if this had been sweet-and-sour sauce? What then? What then?

"I've never been more angry."

Image license here.

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[silverslugger]

"Oh, the humanity!"  

[Reptevia]

“They’ll just have to adjust their expectations “.   Same. 

[ryanking61]

Take them to court, this is an outrage! a scandal! Anything but the ranch! 

[thelanges5]

BYOR to Target field until the team is sold. 

[Craig Arko]

I hear they’re trading the Ranch to the Orioles for a Thousand Island to be named later, and cash considerations.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

5 hours ago, Craig Arko said:

I hear they’re trading the Ranch to the Orioles for a Thousand Island to be named later, and cash considerations.

I hear it is a fair trade...

We actually are only getting about 300 islands in the deal as Baltimore has been on the is the yoga master of financial flexibility.

[Twins_Fan_For_Life]

7 hours ago, Craig Arko said:

I hear they’re trading the Ranch to the Orioles for a Thousand Island to be named later, and cash considerations.

Can the Thousand Island hit above the Mendoza Line?