Pope Francis’s Dying Wish: “I Just Want the Twins to Sweep the Godless Chicago White Sox”

[Lou Hennessy]

The head of the church prayed for the Twins’ struggling offense each and every day, through all the heartache and pain.

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

The world is still reeling from the news of Pope Francis’s death on Monday, and as it turns out, the former head of the church was in a period of mourning and grief himself, before he died.

“I always felt a connection to the most broken and defeated among us, which drew me to the fan base of the Minnesota Twins,” said Pope Francis in a private meeting with Twins Daily’s own Gregg Masterson last fall. “Even looking at your lifeless, defeated eyes as they stare back at me now, I know you have endured lifetimes of pain while watching this ballclub, and I feel the need to comfort you. I’m here with you, my tortured son.”

Things have only gotten worse for both His Holiness and Twins Territory since that convocation. Pope Francis struggled through various health ailments, and the Twins find themselves near the bottom of the standings so far in the 2025 campaign. The only team that finds themselves closer to the bowels of Hell happens to be their opponent in a suddenly pivotal series at Target Field this week: the godless Chicago White Sox, as Deacon Randball Stu likes to refer to them. 

“I tend to love everyone, but those wretched souls from Chicago are too far gone to be saved by grace,” the Pontiff decreed. “May the evil within them be cast away from their grasp, just as wins have of late.”

It’s a harsh message from a man known for mercy, forgiveness and unconditional love—but it’s fair, given the atrocities of their ballclub in recent seasons. You can only bat Andrew Vaughn cleanup so many times before the devil comes a-knockin’. 

In a recent report from the Vatican, the Pope had a moment of clarity in his final hours, and he had but one request for the world before departing.

“Please, for the love of all that is holy, I just want the Twins to beat the Chicago White Sox this week so that they can get their season back on track,” said the Bishop of Rome, as he genuflected and looked to the heavens. “May their bats see the light and awaken in prosperity. For a closed offense becomes a hardened offense.”

The funeral for Pope Francis will take place this Saturday, and while he’s expected to be dressed in his finest robes and vestments, it is reported that he will also be donning a promotional Trevor Plouffe jersey handout that he received when visiting Target Field in 2016. He’ll be holding his treasured Obi Wan Kepleroni bobblehead from Star Wars Night in 2019. 

The Twins Daily staff sends our heartfelt condolences after Pope Francis’s passing, and we share in his sentiment that the White Sox are a scourge on our world. If the Holy Father has gone on to a better place, we can be sure he is without White Sox, even if not quite without sin.

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[Fire Dan Gladden]

Too soon?

[T.O.]

Bad taste.

[BobAzar]

59 minutes ago, Fire Dan Gladden said:

Too soon?

to mock the Godless white sox? never. 

[Rufus]

This guys sense of humor has always escaped me

[Craig Arko]

32 minutes ago, T.O. said:

Bad taste.

Tacky was the first thing I thought. 

[CRF]

Not the best idea for a satire piece.

[Lou Hennessy]

1 hour ago, Fire Dan Gladden said:

Too soon?

 

1 hour ago, T.O. said:

Bad taste.

 

27 minutes ago, Craig Arko said:

Tacky was the first thing I thought. 

 

24 minutes ago, CRF said:

Not the best idea for a satire piece.

You're probably right. 

[BobAzar]

4 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

 

 

 

You're probably right. 

Nope, good satire punches up, not down (otherwise its just bullying). and there's no one higher than the pontiff. I liked it Lou. 

[tarheeltwinsfan]

6 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

 

 

 

You're probably right. 

I really think you should remove this article. It is in poor taste. 

[Whitey333]

I know this clown writes satire here but his articles are generally boring.  This article however shows no class.  It's done in very poor taste.  I'm surprised TD allowed it to be published.  Very tacky.  Very poor taste.

[Lou Hennessy]

14 hours ago, tarheeltwinsfan said:

I really think you should remove this article. It is in poor taste. 

 

16 minutes ago, Whitey333 said:

I know this clown writes satire here but his articles are generally boring.  This article however shows no class.  It's done in very poor taste.  I'm surprised TD allowed it to be published.  Very tacky.  Very poor taste.

I wrote this as a Just For Fun article, but clearly it's not fun for a lot of folks. I'm sorry you didn't like it and I'll try to be more thoughtful in the future. I love that Twins Daily mostly let's us write whatever we want, and sometimes it's going to rub people the wrong way. My intention wasn't to poke fun at Pope Francis's expense (may he rest in peace) but rather at the expense of the White Sox. 

I hope you can put this one behind us and enjoy the rest of the great content on Twins Daily.

[tarheeltwinsfan]

7 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

 

I wrote this as a Just For Fun article, but clearly it's not fun for a lot of folks. I'm sorry you didn't like it and I'll try to be more thoughtful in the future. I love that Twins Daily mostly let's us write whatever we want, and sometimes it's going to rub people the wrong way. My intention wasn't to poke fun at Pope Francis's expense (may he rest in peace) but rather at the expense of the White Sox. 

I hope you can put this one behind us and enjoy the rest of the great content on Twins Daily.

Thanks Lou. I really do enjoy your articles. You are a good writer and a good human being. We are good.