Twins Pitching Pipeline Filled with Scrumptious Ranch Dressing

RandBalls Stu · August 16, 2024

Authorities say a gang of mischievous youths are responsible for the savory crime.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Evangelos Mpikakis

One of the selling points for Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey was his role in creating Cleveland’s seemingly endless supply of young, inexpensive, high-quality starting pitchers. The hope? That Falvey could replicate the pipeline of affordable, team-controlled excellence in Minnesota.

With a rash of second-half injuries threatening the team’s rotation and playoff chances in a competitive American League, this week was the time for the Twins to turn its version on. What emerged instead was a flood of what team sources are calling “scrumptious and creamy” ranch dressing.

The Twins' pitching pipeline, built to transport starters and relievers between Target Field and the team’s Triple-A affiliate in St. Paul, soaked players and staff in the tangy white goo when the pipeline was opened on Wednesday morning.

“We called up Louie Varland to pitch versus K.C. that afternoon,” said a front office source. “We heard a rumbling in the pipe around 7 am and opened the hatch to take a look-see. There was Louie, followed immediately by what we estimate were thousands and thousands of gallons of delicious, high-viscosity ranch dressing.”

Authorities say a gang of mischievous youths are responsible for the savory crime.

“Stealing Kias and Hyundais is old news,” said a police source, referring to a string of car robberies inspired by TikTok videos. “The kids these days just want to do pranks with dipping sauces now. They go to Costco and restaurant supply stores to get their sick kicks. Rosedale’s food court is still closed because somebody filled it with honey mustard. Everything is sticky.”

The pipeline was constructed by the Pohlad family with scrap metal from one of their many business interests. It’s used to save money on Green Line fees, rideshare costs, and gasoline.

“We’ll be asking all Twins fans to stop by Target Field on Friday with celery, baby carrots, crudites, flats, and drummies to help us get rid of the remaining fluid,” said a Twins PR source with knowledge of the team’s thinking. “It’s still about hip deep in the clubhouse.”

This story also took an unfortunate turn on Wednesday evening, when pitcher Josh Winder was accidentally eaten by his Saints teammates after being sent back to St. Paul for Varland.

“He was delicious,” said a Saints clubhouse source. “He’ll be missed.”

Team historians say this is the most ranch dressing to flood the Twins clubhouse since Kent Hrbek’s ill-fated Cold Tub Full o’ Ranch promotion in 1993.

Image license here.

View full article