Injury Gods ‘Have An Eye On’ Brooks Lee

[RandBalls Stu]

The most feared entities in Twins Territory reveal their plans for Minnesota’s prized prospect, other players.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Nathan Cima

One would think piling another injury upon Royce Lewis would be enough to satisfy The Injury Gods in their ceaseless vendetta against the Minnesota Twins.

One would be wrong.

Per sources close to Jontu of the Poison Wind, Cnathol the Endless, and other timeless beings, the promotion of blue-chip infield prospect Brooks Lee has roused a sense of “playful urgency” in them.

“They saw how many Twins fans were relieved that the team had a potentially viable replacement for Lewis,” said the source, who asked not to be named for fear of pitiless wrath. “The usual ‘woe is us’ wasn’t there, and it definitely moved the needle.

“To be clear, that is not a metaphor. It’s a very sharp needle used for suffering. Hurts like the dickens.”

While there is no specific plan of action yet, the sources say the Gods are considering any number of potential injuries to Lee, the team’s top draft pick of 2022.

“A fireworks mishap is timely given the holiday, but the weather may not cooperate,” said the source. “That’s when you look elsewhere for hurtful things. I know there have been discussions of dropping a piano on someone, because no one drops a piano these days. Real throwback pain.”

Another source indicated that Lee’s punishment may have to wait, as the Gods deal with problems in the Twins rotation.

“Joe Ryan is playing real well and he’s a smokeshow,” said the source. “An outbreak of acne so severe that the oozing affects his vision and causes fans to pelt him with rocks and garbage is very likely in the coming days.”

When asked if the recent surge from oft-injured Byron Buxton was an example of the Gods getting soft, sources strongly denied this notion.

“Do mortals not get that we give them things as a treat, only to snatch it away once again,” said a source familiar with Jontu’s thinking. “It’s so easy to lead you guys on. There’s going to be a malfunctioning sprinkler head in the outfield, Buxton will trip on it, and there’s a month with a busted toe and a trade for Jake Cave. Simpletons.”

The Twins open a series with the Houston Astros Friday night at 7:10 pm, Cnathol permitting.

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[Patzky]

Don't. Even. In. Jest.

[GCTF]

Clearly Royce Lewis has possession of Laszlo Cravensworth's cursed hat.

[Dave The Dastardly]

Eerily, Zartan, the God of Torment, appeared in my dreams last night, Zartan and I have more than a passing relationship, and told me the Injury Gods plan to strike Lee and Lewis with the ol' Double Pump. The plan is for Lewis to be taking a couple practice bat swings while Lee is passing around behind him at a safe distance. However just as Lee nears Lewis, Rocco's supposed to call out to the kid, distracting him just enough to put himself in the Danger Zone as Lewis rips out a practice grand slam swing. The kid's going to take the barrel across his left ear on Lewis' back swing and tumble to the ground concussed, with visions of the stripper Plum Delights dancing on his chest. A stunned Lewis, feeling the impact all the way through his bat handle, will spin around to weigh the damages he accidentally inflicted on Lee, said spin tearing his Rectus For More of Us quicker than a losing 15-1 Canterbury Downs betting slip. Rocco will race from the dugout, showering a handful of Rest Day tickets over both fallen players while screaming "Get Margot and Farmer in the line up!"

The Injury Gods shall laugh and Twins fans shall weep, proving once again for them that what goes around hangs around.