Metrodome Opening Day, 2024: A Twins Daily Alternate History

[RandBalls Stu]

In another universe, a universe just like ours, the Metrodome was never torn down. Target Field was never built. This is a story from that universe.

Image courtesy of Flickr/Bradley Johnson

Hope springs eternal. Except for your Minnesota Twins.

On a gorgeous April day, the local nine dropped their seventh consecutive home opener under a Teflon sky, falling 8-1 to the defending AL West champion Portland Devil Rays before an announced crowd of 11,341 at the MyPillow Metrodome. The winless Twins (0-6) join the Chicago White Sox and the Kansas City Royals of Kansas as the only major-league teams without a 2024 victory.

Minnesota’s No. 1 starter, Randy Dobnak (0-2), couldn’t find his groove, surrendering four runs in 3 2/3 innings of work. The team’s unproven bullpen continued to struggle, with a towering three-run blast from Portland’s Shohei Ohtani off Jorge López putting the game well out of reach. It was the third home run allowed in as many games for the embattled López, who entered the season as the team’s closer and highest-paid player.

An anemic Twins offense could only manage one run off Rays starter Justin Verlander, a solo home run from DH Kennys Vargas that barely cleared the Circuit City Baggie in right field.

New Twins manager Toby Gardenhire said he’s as frustrated as the fans are.

“Obviously, coming off another 100-loss season, you want to put your best foot forward,” said Gardenhire. “It stinks. It’s not a question of effort, we’ve just got a lot of young guys who need to grow up fast.”

The dwindling fan base is restless as well.

“It’s the same old, same old,” said Twins fan John Bonnes. “They can’t get out of their own way, and it’s 70 degrees outside. Why would anyone show up?”

Bonnes hosts the Minnesota Sports Geek podcast, which is perhaps best known for its former co-host, Aaron Gleeman, now awaiting sentencing for his part in orchestrating millions of dollars in Beanie Baby fraud. Bonnes says it’s not easy being a Minnesota fan of any sport these days.

“The Twins are cellar dwellers. The Vikings just won a second Super Bowl in San Antonio to rub salt in the wound. The Timberwolves made the finals for Seattle last year. The United are still playing out in Blaine, hoping to get that MLS team. The only club worth a damn is the Wild, and ever since they moved to Duluth, the Twin Cities are a sports wasteland. It’s the reason KFAN switched to all-religious programming. I miss when Reverend Meat Sauce talked sports.”

The team’s continued floundering comes amid Minneapolis Mayor Josh Hartnett’s most recent attempt to revive the city's desolate North Loop, which would include an open-air stadium behind the Déjà Vu nightclub, the only open business in the struggling neighborhood.

Twins team owner, U.S. Vice President Mike Lindell, was traveling to promote President Trump’s Make The Purge Real Act and could not be reached for comment on the team’s rough start.

Minnesota and Portland are back at it on Saturday afternoon, when Andrew Albers (0-1) will take on Zack Littell (1-0). The first 5,000 fans in attendance will receive a commemorative There IS Smoking in the Metrodome ashtray, honoring the 2021 Supreme Court decision that made smoking bans illegal.

Image license here.

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[bighat]

Yikes! Maybe in a universe where the Dome still stands the Twins are no longer in MN. They moved back to DC instead of the Expos, and now the HHH Metrodome is home to the Minneapolis Millers, the AAA Milwaukee affiliate. 

[Hrbeks Divot]

Your best work in months! Brilliant!

[BobAzar]

how dare you (and the imaginary SCOTUS) tarnish Bob Casey's legacy.

[Rod Carews Birthday]

So will proven home run hitter Kennys Vargas be the Twins’ All-Star representative, or will that honor go to 45 year old 2nd baseman Luis Rivas?

[DocBauer]

Beanie Baby Fraud?

I just about spit out my lunch!

Hilarious stuff!

[Ole St Carleton]

…and Byron Buxton starts his 432nd game in a row- still strikes out twice with a man on 3rd with one out

[lukeduke1980]

Zack Littel being a successful starter for the Rays seems to be the most fictitious part.

[adamsa804]

On 4/5/2024 at 9:13 AM, BobAzar said:

how dare you (and the imaginary SCOTUS) tarnish Bob Casey's legacy.

Imaginary SCOTUS?