Season Ticket Holders On Tap to Manage Apartment Building with Bert Blyleven

[RandBalls Stu]

The new Twins Pass Plus feature helps fans connect with the former All-Star and perform critical maintenance and upkeep.

Image courtesy of WEBN-TV

The 2024 Twins Pass went on sale Thursday, allowing fans standing room access to every Twins home game (minus the opener) for $59/month. For the first time, this fan-favorite deal also included a $20/month upgrade called Twins Pass Plus. Purchasers get all the benefits of the basic deal, with the added benefit of helping former Twin and Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven manage the Evergreen Arms apartment complex in Mounds View.

“Two of the greatest thrills in life are Twins baseball and suburban property management,” said a front office source. “Getting to experience both with a legend like Bert? It’s the kind of hands-on experience real fans will want to be a part of.”

Ticketholders will be able to help Bert deep clean carpets, fix appliances, collect overdue rent, and perform other light maintenance.

“Lots of homeowners want to develop their do-it-yourself skills, rather than paying a so-called expert to fix something,” said the source. “What better way to learn how you can snake out a hopelessly clogged toilet than with two-time World Champion Bert Blyleven? He might have been the one who clogged it! Except replace ‘might have been’ with ‘absolutely was.’”

Some fans are skeptical.

“Why would I want to do that,” said Laney Greenway, 51, of Savage.

“Where’s Mounds View,” said Pete Sorney, 35, of Osseo. “Is it a real city, or one of those like Andover where everyone says it’s real, but no one can tell you where it is on a map because it’s a deep state psy-op?  The people have a right to know. What was your question?”

So far, sources in the season ticket office say no one has purchased the upgrade.

“It’s still early,” said a season ticket representative with knowledge of the situation. “The announcement just came out, there’s a lot of stuff going on in town this weekend, and…”

The rep paused, looked around to make sure there was no one else listening, and continued.

“And let’s say when we had all that TV money, we bought a bunch of property to flip, only we didn’t pay attention to what we were buying, and this is just one of the places that desperately needs fixing up, only now we’re out of money. Let’s just say that. And let’s just say if none of these so-called fans ponies up, we’re just going to make it part of the $59 level, and everyone’s going to spend their nights and weekends answering noise complaints.”

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[wsnydes]

It's always been a dream of mine to manage an apartment complex.  While I always envisioned getting paid to do it, paying to do it somehow seems so much better!

[Riverbrian]

It's about time that the Twins diversified that portfolio to increase income from non-traditional sources. Utilizing the non-traditional Bert Blyleven is brilliant. 

This reliance on traditional baseball income alone has just produced a bunch of screaming every single year. Every year the fans scream about spending more money while the Twins scream back that they haven't got any. Traditional baseball revenue by itself is not stopping the screaming. It seems to be the problem.  

The Braves have a real estate arm producing non-traditional revenue that can be spent on players like Luis Guillorme and this gives them an advantage over all the other teams who can't afford Luis Guillorme. 

It doesn't have to stop with real estate. The Twins can branch out into other sectors for non-traditional revenue. 

For example: 

Healthcare: The Twins have a medical team of Doctors, Surgeons, Radiologists, Physical Therapists, Pediatricians, Nuclear Medicine'ist's... all with the fairly light responsibility of the healthcare for 26 players who are in the prime of their life. By opening the doors to the general public the Twins will have additional revenue coming in and the medical staff will no longer have the time to play candy crush on their cellphones. 

Utilities: Plenty of hot air blown on Twinsdaily that can be captured for energy. My 25K posts alone could power Brainerd. If you add in what is produced by everyone else, the folks at Xcel Energy will notice a drop in share price. 

It doesn't have to stop there. Consumers are everywhere, consuming everything from Uni-Cycles to Passenger carrying spaceships for a vacation on Mars.  

Diversify and Hurry!

Blake Snell is waiting for us.   

 

[ashbury]

I lived at the Scotland Green apartments in Mounds View (the clear target of this satire) for a few years, and it was swell, so I feel I can bring some expertise to this matter.  How much extra do I need to pay Bert, in light of this?

[ashbury]

6 hours ago, Riverbrian said:

Utilities: Plenty of hot air blown on Twinsdaily that can be captured for energy. My 25K posts alone could power Brainerd. If you add in what is produced by everyone else, the folks at Xcel Energy will notice a drop in share price.

For summertime I can contribute the cool breeze of sweet reason that I bring to this site with my posts.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

16 hours ago, ashbury said:

the cool breeze of sweet reason

Cool sweet breazon. Exactly what we need here.

When do ya start? We got our work cut out for us.

Do they how much work i gotta do? There is something appealing about being able to barter for a season ticket and a place to stay. Is it within walking distance? Or must i work on my hitch-hiking skills? Just so long as i make fist pitch with something in my belly.