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Dave The Dastardly

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Everything posted by Dave The Dastardly

  1. Dave The Dastardly
    Taking a wild guess here... you haven't been a TD member for very long. I know for a fact that I've written dumber posts... and they were well-received. Stupid is as stupid does. Run Forrest!
  2. Dave The Dastardly
    A warp in the space-time continuum?
  3. Dave The Dastardly
    Statistically it's 63.9%. 36.1% are able to attend spring training in Florida and therefore tend to be optimistic, especially after an evening at Kelsey's Bar and Massage. The Spring Training Buzz, it's professional term, however tends to dissipate upon returning to Minnesota at a rate inversely proportional to the depth of ice dams remaining on the roof.
  4. Dave The Dastardly
    I rest my case.
  5. Dave The Dastardly
    I'm old enough to remember a time when cool headedness, gracious sportsmanship and civility were admired traits. Now trash-talking, belligerent temperaments, name-calling and boorish behavior have filtered upwards through our society. Sad.
  6. Dave The Dastardly
    Twins fans, with little baseball news in the gristmill, are obviously starving for information.
  7. Dave The Dastardly
    What we need is a baseball "reality" show. Maybe have Gardy go on Undercover Boss, you know that show where the stupid folks can't figure out the guy in the cartoon disguise being followed around by a camera crew and a sound guy dangling a microphone over their heads isn't a "real" person? Maybe have a scene with Terry Ryan digging through a dumpster or visiting a retirement home, searching for the next great Twins player with Gardy making caustic comments in the foreground. In the finale they could have Nick Punto throw off the drool-smeared robe disguise, flip out of the wheelchair and snag a baseball thrown by the backup camera guy right out of the air. I might even watch that... if they can find a slot between all those Chicago shows. You know, right after Chicago Garbage.
  8. Dave The Dastardly
    Better yet, during the game.
  9. Dave The Dastardly
    Ahh, Grasshopper! Would a wise man have a small pebble in his hand and lots of money in his back pocket, or a large rock in his hand and no money in his back pocket? But Master, why would a wise man carry a pebble or a rock around in his hand? Why not put the stone in his other back pocket and leave both hands free? There you go again, kid. Always taking the middle road. No way you're ever going to walk on rice paper.
  10. Dave The Dastardly
    What if one of the players trips over first base and falls down and requires help getting up? Aren't they afraid of pulling a mussel? Sorry. Can't help it. I think their PR guy is gonna be hamstrung.
  11. Dave The Dastardly
    You're not supposed to eat mussels from April to September. Isn't that baseball season? These guys are gonna get shelled.
  12. Dave The Dastardly
    Sounds like they're coming out of their shell.
  13. Dave The Dastardly
    Wait... What? I was loading my .22 while watching a squirrel sneak up on my wife's bird feeder and didn't quite follow what you were saying...
  14. Dave The Dastardly
    A glance into my old bowling ball (middle-class substitute for a crystal ball) says the Twins package Rosario and Sano in a trade for a topline pitcher, Rooker and Raley (the R&R boys?) come up to the Bigs and platoon at 1st, odd man filling in at the out(field). The Twins take the division, sweep the hated Yankees in three and go on to win the World Series. Oh, and I win the lottery.
  15. Dave The Dastardly
    This explains the fresh dog poop in my driveway every morning... my neighbor is a White Sox fan. At least I think it's dog poop...
  16. Dave The Dastardly
    Setting aside any perceived personal affronts, an interesting discussion. From my own demented viewpoint, if we're discussing Twins trade bait for a No 1 or 2 pitcher, I don't think Eddie is going to cut it. I say dangle Sano out there, higher WAR, and more replaceable given the current Twins roster. Keep Eddie.
  17. Dave The Dastardly
    I heard a rumor that the robot behind the plate will be armed with a taser gun and as soon as a manager steps out of the dugout to contest a call he'll get zapped. I think it will be kind of funny watching Gardy flop around on the ground, his tongue hanging out while making odd gurgling sounds. I might even pony up for MLB-TV to see that. However given Americans love of schadenfreude I think the fans will be begging the managers to challenge the robot, just like race car fans want to see high-speed crashes, instead of cheering on the players. Maybe the robot can be programmed to randomly zap the occasional infielder just for the hell of it... or maybe just after they go into a shift.
  18. Dave The Dastardly
    Do the Twins currently have another almost-ready third baseman in their minor league system? My bet is Sano goes to first and Lewis goes to third. He's got the quickness, the arm and the bat to hold down the hot corner.
  19. Dave The Dastardly
    I got a pair of well-worn beer goggles I can loan out. Lenses are a little foggy, but that's the beauty of 'em!
  20. Dave The Dastardly
    Shaggy?
  21. Dave The Dastardly
    You can always appeal.
  22. Dave The Dastardly
    Where does the Portly Panamanian, aka "Senior Smoke" rank?
  23. Dave The Dastardly
    I hear ya. You don't get better beating the Franciscan nuns. I had to throw the Franciscan nuns in there because everyone is always beating up on the Little Sisters of the Poor. The Franciscans, by the way, played a mean game themselves, especially Sister Goretti. She had a habit of using a little chin music to keep you from crowding the plate. You never went to bat against her without saying a little prayer first. True confession.
  24. Dave The Dastardly
    I agree about the attitude. I once took over a decent basketball team that had a history of laying down whenever they played a particularly good rival team. By "laying down" I mean the players went into their game with resignation, expecting to get whipped. And so they always did. Once I took over I spent as much time "head" coaching as I did head coaching. The first time the two teams met we lost by 20 points, the closest the game had been in years. The second time we played, we lost by 8 but were in the game until the final quarter. We met again in the sectional tournament and made a real game out of it; lost by 2 in overtime. Team talent hadn't changed, but team attitude had. The winning coach told me later that going into the tournament we were the only team he was afraid of. Maybe his team sensed that in him and they came to the game less confident they could beat us. Personally, I always thought Gardy was mostly responsible for the Twins poor showings against the Damn Yankees. You could sense his defeatist attitude ahead of every Yankee series right through the TV. I don't get that from Baldelli. So I ain't afraid of no stinking Yankees. I'm with the Beach Boys; I'm sensing Good Vibrations.
  25. Dave The Dastardly
    Confucius say, Twins fan dying of thirst will gladly accept half a glass of beer.
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