Dave The Dastardly

You're not supposed to eat mussels from April to September. Isn't that baseball season? These guys are gonna get shelled.

Sounds like they're coming out of their shell.

Wait... What? I was loading my .22 while watching a squirrel sneak up on my wife's bird feeder and didn't quite follow what you were saying...

A glance into my old bowling ball (middle-class substitute for a crystal ball) says the Twins package Rosario and Sano in a trade for a topline pitcher, Rooker and Raley (the R&R boys?) come up to the Bigs and platoon at 1st, odd man filling in at the out(field). The Twins take the division, sweep the hated Yankees in three and go on to win the World Series. Oh, and I win the lottery.

This explains the fresh dog poop in my driveway every morning... my neighbor is a White Sox fan. At least I think it's dog poop...

Setting aside any perceived personal affronts, an interesting discussion. From my own demented viewpoint, if we're discussing Twins trade bait for a No 1 or 2 pitcher, I don't think Eddie is going to cut it. I say dangle Sano out there, higher WAR, and more replaceable given the current Twins roster. Keep Eddie.

I heard a rumor that the robot behind the plate will be armed with a taser gun and as soon as a manager steps out of the dugout to contest a call he'll get zapped. I think it will be kind of funny watching Gardy flop around on the ground, his tongue hanging out while making odd gurgling sounds. I might even pony up for MLB-TV to see that. However given Americans love of schadenfreude I think the fans will be begging the managers to challenge the robot, just like race car fans want to see high-speed crashes, instead of cheering on the players. Maybe the robot can be programmed to randomly zap the occasional infielder just for the hell of it... or maybe just after they go into a shift.

Do the Twins currently have another almost-ready third baseman in their minor league system? My bet is Sano goes to first and Lewis goes to third. He's got the quickness, the arm and the bat to hold down the hot corner.

I got a pair of well-worn beer goggles I can loan out. Lenses are a little foggy, but that's the beauty of 'em!

Shaggy?

You can always appeal.

Where does the Portly Panamanian, aka "Senior Smoke" rank?

I hear ya. You don't get better beating the Franciscan nuns. I had to throw the Franciscan nuns in there because everyone is always beating up on the Little Sisters of the Poor. The Franciscans, by the way, played a mean game themselves, especially Sister Goretti. She had a habit of using a little chin music to keep you from crowding the plate. You never went to bat against her without saying a little prayer first. True confession.

I agree about the attitude. I once took over a decent basketball team that had a history of laying down whenever they played a particularly good rival team. By "laying down" I mean the players went into their game with resignation, expecting to get whipped. And so they always did. Once I took over I spent as much time "head" coaching as I did head coaching. The first time the two teams met we lost by 20 points, the closest the game had been in years. The second time we played, we lost by 8 but were in the game until the final quarter. We met again in the sectional tournament and made a real game out of it; lost by 2 in overtime. Team talent hadn't changed, but team attitude had. The winning coach told me later that going into the tournament we were the only team he was afraid of. Maybe his team sensed that in him and they came to the game less confident they could beat us. Personally, I always thought Gardy was mostly responsible for the Twins poor showings against the Damn Yankees. You could sense his defeatist attitude ahead of every Yankee series right through the TV. I don't get that from Baldelli. So I ain't afraid of no stinking Yankees. I'm with the Beach Boys; I'm sensing Good Vibrations.

Confucius say, Twins fan dying of thirst will gladly accept half a glass of beer.

I wonder if all the "outdoor baseball" enthusiasts were there. I remember when the Twins pushed for a domed stadium because of Minnesota's unpredictable weather. And then they pushed for an outdoor stadium because... well, they needed new luxury boxes. Now that the indoor/outdoor pendulum has swung in both directions don't be surprised when the push starts for a retractable roof, which, considering where we live, was the logical solution in the first place. Until then we may have to go north of the wall and find some wildlings that can play baseball.

Agree. What did Yogi say? "Half this game is 90% mental"?

Abfuhren der Schlagmann - my guess for "lead-off batsman", but might also be translated as "first man to empty his bowels". Which, depending how well Kepler does leading off, might apply more to the opposing pitcher than to Max the Magnificent.

I think he needs to buy an "O".

Enjoyed the article! And the poke at "winning the offseason". I've often wondered why some treat free-agent signings as if it's a game and a season all by itself. Maybe major league baseball should set up a handicap system where the team that spends the most acquiring free agents gets an extra run added to each of their playoff games... if they reach the playoffs. Or two runs added per game if they make the World Series. Then this free agent signing thing will have a real effect on game outcomes. Until then, much ado about nothing.

“Byron is ready to turn a corner,” The problem with that corner thing is that for Twins players their path forward is shaped more like an octagon. In which case Buxton might have seven more corners to turn. Which is weirdly tantamount to the old "running in circles" adage.

Wait... What? Minnesota isn't perfect? The sun's almost shining, the temp is just a few degrees north of zero and the wind is howling out of the northwest. And it's only November. No way Minnesotans are fair weather fans... we wouldn't know what to do with any stinkin' fair weather.

Rocco Baldelli, you have come asking a favor you know we can’t refuse at this time. This is understandable for you, a paisano. Ambition is often a good thing. But your own territory when you have no experience? This is much to ask. How do we know you are capable of managing this territory in a profitable manner? There will be much competition you understand. Other managers will try to muscle in on your territory, some of your own men will prove unable to stand against them, your own lieutenants, as ambitious as yourself, might scheme against you. We have to know, how will you handle these matters? Will we find these other competitors swimming with the fishes? Or will they own your territory in a year’s time? If one of your lieutenants gives in to entreaties from another manager, will you release him or invite him for a ride down to the river bottoms in the front seat of your car while you ride behind him with a piece of piano wire? If one of your men proves unable to perform up to expectations will you continue to reward him with a prominent role in your organization even though a younger, perhaps better man, awaits his own chance? These are key questions for a man making a request such as yours. And if we grant you this favor, will we need to hide in Sicily for a year or two if any of these bad things should come to pass? The olives are good but the nightlife... well, you don’t want to take a car so there’s a lot of walking involved. We will need to visit with our consiglieri before we can approve your favor. But since we’ve already acquired a horse’s head ( 7th place in a $2,000 claiming race) for his bed, we think he’ll not refuse our offer. Congratulations The Twin Godfathers

I agree with everything but your math.

None of the people reported to be on the internal or external lists are blowing up my kilt. Looks like another yawner and another extension of the 20-year rebuilding plan to me. Think I'll stock up on paint. I hear its pretty exciting watching it dry.