Inspired! Local Deadbeat Uses Lack of TV Revenue as Reason to Withhold Payments

[RandBalls Stu]

“I don’t know how they expect me to pay for that Range Rover when all these RSNs are going under,” said the bum.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonas Kakaroto

Tony Hermann is not a major league baseball team. He’s an intermittently-employed contractor who spends beyond his means and is by all accounts a lousy friend, a bad romantic partner, and a worse father. But he knows a good excuse when he sees one.

“I saw that the Twins were trimming their payroll because they’re about to be out of $50 million this season,” said the layabout Bloomington native. “Everyone seems to be fine with it. Gotta figure that’ll work for a small businessman like myself who’s just trying to make payroll and remain competitive in today’s economy.”

To date, Hermann has told multiple creditors, his second wife, and Land Rover Richfield that he needs to trim his expenses in light of the impending absence of a critical revenue stream.

“I don’t know how they expect me to pay for that Range Rover when all these RSNs are going under,” said the bum. “That’s like 20 percent of my projected income. I need to be flexible in this challenging environment, and I expect them to understand. No one’s at fault here, least of all me.”

Hermann’s associates are not surprised by this initiative.

“He’s a real butthole,” said Tanya Bradford, Tony’s first wife. “You know how he says he’s a contractor? I looked up what that means, and there isn’t a single definition that mentions borrowing money from my grandma to buy a llama farm because they’re the future of protein.

“To be very clear, they are not the future of protein, they smell terrible, and they are not going on the Chipotle menu by 2026. They taste like [EXPLETIVE], and now the bank owns the title to a 30-acre llama farm outside of Worthington.”

“He’s a true innovator,” said J.D. Lynch, a former business partner. “When we tried to sell all that distressed pork in the Fleet Farm parking lot, he’s the one who said we should say that a percentage went to charity. What was the percentage? What was the charity? That’s the Tony Hermann difference. To this day, I have no idea.”

Hermann said the reaction to his latest scam has been mixed.

“Apparently, the IRS is too busy ignoring the high crimes of this country’s elites and is choosing instead to threaten me with jail time for an honest misunderstanding over my not filing taxes from the years 2009 through 2022, because of emotional distress,” said Hermann. “Typical big government.”

Image license here.

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[dxpavelka]

So he's committed to not spending money he doesn't have.  And soon he won't have a Range Rover.  Sounds like the system is working as designed.

[specialiststeve]

Wow... can't get that 2 minutes back... Bad. 

[Scott51104]

I wondered what happened to that llama farm south of Worthington. 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

1 hour ago, Scott51104 said:

I wondered what happened to that llama farm south of Worthington. 

I'm curious too.

And if he were a real scam artist, he'd have been familiar with the concepts of sheering or fleecing... and thellama farm likely would have been profitable, or at least its owners warm.

 

And in the fiscal world, it turns out to be easier to reduce your expenses ore you incur them. Notice how Byron and and Carlos are still on the team? Probably just.a coincidence that Tony isn't in the front office.

[theBOMisthebomb]

In another life I was in the collection industry (flexible hours, large commission checks was the draw for a 22 year old). These type of excuses such as family member/beloved pet death, some type of current political event (real estate/stock market crash/some industry collapsing highlighted in the news) were next level stalls right behind no job and divorce.