RandBalls Stu
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Local Idiot Surprised by Rash of Twins Pitching Injuries
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
Pitching is inherently an injury risk. The human body is not meant to do that. That’s why the news this week that Jhoan Durán, Caleb Thielbar, and Anthony DeSclafani would all start the season on the injured list (and in DeSclafani’s case, potentially stay there all season) disappointed many, but surprised few. Except for Logan Vandiver, an absolute load from Cottage Grove. “Here’s the deal: I thought if we traded Jorge Polanco, we’d get a pretty sweet starter out of the deal,” said the 37-year-old moron. “I know DeSclafani was banged up a lot last season, but I figured that would give him time to rest and recuperate.” The complete fool, who works in logistics for a local food service company, said he was equally taken aback by Thielbar’s bad hamstring. “I’m about the same age as Caleb,” said the dullard. “My hamstrings are just fine. I work out a couple times a week, go golfing in the summer, never had an issue. I know it’s not striking out the other team’s best left-handed hitter 20 years after high school, but I’m sound as a pound.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bozo also expressed surprise that Durán, MLB’s hardest thrower in 2023, could strain an oblique muscle. “OK, he’s a reliever, so that’s just a couple dozen pitches every two or three days at most,” said the sweet summer child. “If he was a starter, sure, only like Nolan Ryan and Justin Verlander throw that hard that often. But I guess I was wrong.” Friends say Vandiver’s credulous, dumbstruck ways have impacts on his own life as well. “At minimum, he’s fallen for three multi-level marketing schemes in the last two years,” said Gina Urquhart, a longtime co-worker. “He is sitting on a garage full of yoga pants and supplements that don’t work.” For his part, the simple, cornfed rube swears he didn’t see this coming. “I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy,” said the sap. Image license here. -
The new Twins Pass Plus feature helps fans connect with the former All-Star and perform critical maintenance and upkeep. Image courtesy of WEBN-TV The 2024 Twins Pass went on sale Thursday, allowing fans standing room access to every Twins home game (minus the opener) for $59/month. For the first time, this fan-favorite deal also included a $20/month upgrade called Twins Pass Plus. Purchasers get all the benefits of the basic deal, with the added benefit of helping former Twin and Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven manage the Evergreen Arms apartment complex in Mounds View. “Two of the greatest thrills in life are Twins baseball and suburban property management,” said a front office source. “Getting to experience both with a legend like Bert? It’s the kind of hands-on experience real fans will want to be a part of.” Ticketholders will be able to help Bert deep clean carpets, fix appliances, collect overdue rent, and perform other light maintenance. “Lots of homeowners want to develop their do-it-yourself skills, rather than paying a so-called expert to fix something,” said the source. “What better way to learn how you can snake out a hopelessly clogged toilet than with two-time World Champion Bert Blyleven? He might have been the one who clogged it! Except replace ‘might have been’ with ‘absolutely was.’” Some fans are skeptical. “Why would I want to do that,” said Laney Greenway, 51, of Savage. “Where’s Mounds View,” said Pete Sorney, 35, of Osseo. “Is it a real city, or one of those like Andover where everyone says it’s real, but no one can tell you where it is on a map because it’s a deep state psy-op? The people have a right to know. What was your question?” So far, sources in the season ticket office say no one has purchased the upgrade. “It’s still early,” said a season ticket representative with knowledge of the situation. “The announcement just came out, there’s a lot of stuff going on in town this weekend, and…” The rep paused, looked around to make sure there was no one else listening, and continued. “And let’s say when we had all that TV money, we bought a bunch of property to flip, only we didn’t pay attention to what we were buying, and this is just one of the places that desperately needs fixing up, only now we’re out of money. Let’s just say that. And let’s just say if none of these so-called fans ponies up, we’re just going to make it part of the $59 level, and everyone’s going to spend their nights and weekends answering noise complaints.” View full article
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The 2024 Twins Pass went on sale Thursday, allowing fans standing room access to every Twins home game (minus the opener) for $59/month. For the first time, this fan-favorite deal also included a $20/month upgrade called Twins Pass Plus. Purchasers get all the benefits of the basic deal, with the added benefit of helping former Twin and Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven manage the Evergreen Arms apartment complex in Mounds View. “Two of the greatest thrills in life are Twins baseball and suburban property management,” said a front office source. “Getting to experience both with a legend like Bert? It’s the kind of hands-on experience real fans will want to be a part of.” Ticketholders will be able to help Bert deep clean carpets, fix appliances, collect overdue rent, and perform other light maintenance. “Lots of homeowners want to develop their do-it-yourself skills, rather than paying a so-called expert to fix something,” said the source. “What better way to learn how you can snake out a hopelessly clogged toilet than with two-time World Champion Bert Blyleven? He might have been the one who clogged it! Except replace ‘might have been’ with ‘absolutely was.’” Some fans are skeptical. “Why would I want to do that,” said Laney Greenway, 51, of Savage. “Where’s Mounds View,” said Pete Sorney, 35, of Osseo. “Is it a real city, or one of those like Andover where everyone says it’s real, but no one can tell you where it is on a map because it’s a deep state psy-op? The people have a right to know. What was your question?” So far, sources in the season ticket office say no one has purchased the upgrade. “It’s still early,” said a season ticket representative with knowledge of the situation. “The announcement just came out, there’s a lot of stuff going on in town this weekend, and…” The rep paused, looked around to make sure there was no one else listening, and continued. “And let’s say when we had all that TV money, we bought a bunch of property to flip, only we didn’t pay attention to what we were buying, and this is just one of the places that desperately needs fixing up, only now we’re out of money. Let’s just say that. And let’s just say if none of these so-called fans ponies up, we’re just going to make it part of the $59 level, and everyone’s going to spend their nights and weekends answering noise complaints.”
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The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Engin Akyurt With Anthony DeSclafani’s health a question mark and Louie Varland potentially earmarked for St. Paul, the Minnesota Twins might need a fifth starter as Opening Day looms. Unsigned big names like Blake Snell would be obvious solutions, but Minnesota’s self-imposed price controls make that unlikely. With three weeks left to make the call, one dark horse candidate has emerged. And that’s not a metaphor. Chestnut, a four-year-old mare from Anderson Stables in Belle Plaine, Minn., is on the radar as a budget-minded stopgap, per multiple sources. “She has stunning haunches and a great attitude,” said a front office source. “The power she can generate if we can teach a horse to throw is off the charts. Real potential to miss bats and pound the strike zone.” “There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,” said a source familiar with President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey’s thinking. “We did a word search in the rule book and everything.” Some are skeptical of the team’s plan. “Horses don’t have hands,” said a member of the team’s training staff who asked not to be identified. “Hooves are not hands. It’s incredibly important to realize that horses have hooves.” “Horses can’t throw,” said a member of Minnesota’s analytics department. “You can’t coach them up to throw a baseball or hold a bat. They’re horses.” The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers. “No offense to the analytics department, but at the end of the day, the games are played on the field, not a spreadsheet. You know where horseys spend a lot of time? Fields. You know where they don’t? Math class.” Chestnut’s link to the Twins first became known when she was seen walking through the clubhouse after Minnesota’s victory over Boston on Wednesday. “There’s not a ton of room in there after a game with all the players and media,” said LaVelle E. Neal III, Star Tribune columnist. “And now there’s a horse. And it just took an incredibly fragrant dump in the middle of the room. That said, (former Twin Bert) Blyleven did that too, and he’s a Hall of Famer.” The team doesn’t expect to make a final decision for another week or two, but it’s clear that Chestnut has the upper hand. That is a metaphor, as she does not, in fact, have hands. “Budgets are tight, Chestnut would sign for the league minimum, and instead of a team car, one of our staffers could just ride her back home from the game,” said the front office source. “Can you imagine how exciting that would be, riding a Twin home on 394?” Image license here. View full article
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With Anthony DeSclafani’s health a question mark and Louie Varland potentially earmarked for St. Paul, the Minnesota Twins might need a fifth starter as Opening Day looms. Unsigned big names like Blake Snell would be obvious solutions, but Minnesota’s self-imposed price controls make that unlikely. With three weeks left to make the call, one dark horse candidate has emerged. And that’s not a metaphor. Chestnut, a four-year-old mare from Anderson Stables in Belle Plaine, Minn., is on the radar as a budget-minded stopgap, per multiple sources. “She has stunning haunches and a great attitude,” said a front office source. “The power she can generate if we can teach a horse to throw is off the charts. Real potential to miss bats and pound the strike zone.” “There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,” said a source familiar with President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey’s thinking. “We did a word search in the rule book and everything.” Some are skeptical of the team’s plan. “Horses don’t have hands,” said a member of the team’s training staff who asked not to be identified. “Hooves are not hands. It’s incredibly important to realize that horses have hooves.” “Horses can’t throw,” said a member of Minnesota’s analytics department. “You can’t coach them up to throw a baseball or hold a bat. They’re horses.” The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers. “No offense to the analytics department, but at the end of the day, the games are played on the field, not a spreadsheet. You know where horseys spend a lot of time? Fields. You know where they don’t? Math class.” Chestnut’s link to the Twins first became known when she was seen walking through the clubhouse after Minnesota’s victory over Boston on Wednesday. “There’s not a ton of room in there after a game with all the players and media,” said LaVelle E. Neal III, Star Tribune columnist. “And now there’s a horse. And it just took an incredibly fragrant dump in the middle of the room. That said, (former Twin Bert) Blyleven did that too, and he’s a Hall of Famer.” The team doesn’t expect to make a final decision for another week or two, but it’s clear that Chestnut has the upper hand. That is a metaphor, as she does not, in fact, have hands. “Budgets are tight, Chestnut would sign for the league minimum, and instead of a team car, one of our staffers could just ride her back home from the game,” said the front office source. “Can you imagine how exciting that would be, riding a Twin home on 394?” Image license here.
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Officials called the team-building exercise ‘misguided’ and ‘very painful.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Joshua Coleman The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg. Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses. “As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.” “They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.” As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot. “Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.” Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw. “I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.” In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day. Image license here. View full article
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Dozens Punctured in Twins Spring Training Sharp Knife Toss
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg. Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses. “As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.” “They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.” As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot. “Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.” Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw. “I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.” In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day. Image license here. -
Beloved mascot working overnights amid Twins budget constraints. Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa Joe Pohlad made waves on former TV celebrity Jason DeRusha’s AM radio show this week, putting in no uncertain terms that the Minnesota Twins were not interested in landing any of the remaining “big name” free agents. It put an exclamation point on the team’s off-season budget cuts. While the criticism from media and fans was almost unanimous, it didn’t change the fact that the Twins were moving forward with “right-sizing” operations. Those moves extend to employees who aren’t on the roster as well, with mascot TC Bear taking a significant pay reduction for the 2024 season. “TC Bear improves the ballpark experience for children and families alike,” said a front office source. “But when there aren’t games taking place, there’s no value add there. When funds are tight, hard choices need to be made. TC is a team player, and we appreciate his willingness to work with us as we confront these unprecedented fiscal challenges.” Target Field sources say the team had initially put TC Bear to work inspecting the stadium’s heat lamps, but the fake bear-man’s fur kept catching fire. “The stink of burnt fur was staggering,” said a custodian who asked not to be identified. “It hasn’t smelled that bad here since Hrbek’s ventilation gave out during Dollar Bean Burrito Night.” With the franchise unable to find consistent off-hours work for him, TC Bear has picked up an overnight shift at a local foundry to make ends meet at home. “I wish he wouldn’t wear the costume here,” said shop foreman Kyle Davis. “It’s incredibly dangerous. He’s a hard worker, but the hazards are profound. “Also, he talks about needing to support his ‘cubs.’ They’re human children. Don’t call them that. You’re not a real bear. It’s so troubling.” Sources say the mascot’s lack of sleep contributed to the now notorious incident at TwinsFest, where an agitated TC Bear chased Louie Varland with a tire iron at the Impressionable Children’s Autograph Hour, demanding the Twins pitcher “show him some [EXPLETIVE] respect” before listing the ways he would perform certain acts on both Varland and his family that were described as “grimly erotic” by horrified onlookers. TC Bear was unavailable for comment. View full article
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Joe Pohlad made waves on former TV celebrity Jason DeRusha’s AM radio show this week, putting in no uncertain terms that the Minnesota Twins were not interested in landing any of the remaining “big name” free agents. It put an exclamation point on the team’s off-season budget cuts. While the criticism from media and fans was almost unanimous, it didn’t change the fact that the Twins were moving forward with “right-sizing” operations. Those moves extend to employees who aren’t on the roster as well, with mascot TC Bear taking a significant pay reduction for the 2024 season. “TC Bear improves the ballpark experience for children and families alike,” said a front office source. “But when there aren’t games taking place, there’s no value add there. When funds are tight, hard choices need to be made. TC is a team player, and we appreciate his willingness to work with us as we confront these unprecedented fiscal challenges.” Target Field sources say the team had initially put TC Bear to work inspecting the stadium’s heat lamps, but the fake bear-man’s fur kept catching fire. “The stink of burnt fur was staggering,” said a custodian who asked not to be identified. “It hasn’t smelled that bad here since Hrbek’s ventilation gave out during Dollar Bean Burrito Night.” With the franchise unable to find consistent off-hours work for him, TC Bear has picked up an overnight shift at a local foundry to make ends meet at home. “I wish he wouldn’t wear the costume here,” said shop foreman Kyle Davis. “It’s incredibly dangerous. He’s a hard worker, but the hazards are profound. “Also, he talks about needing to support his ‘cubs.’ They’re human children. Don’t call them that. You’re not a real bear. It’s so troubling.” Sources say the mascot’s lack of sleep contributed to the now notorious incident at TwinsFest, where an agitated TC Bear chased Louie Varland with a tire iron at the Impressionable Children’s Autograph Hour, demanding the Twins pitcher “show him some [EXPLETIVE] respect” before listing the ways he would perform certain acts on both Varland and his family that were described as “grimly erotic” by horrified onlookers. TC Bear was unavailable for comment.
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‘The unprecedented aerodynamics make every player feel like a champion,’ said a Fanatics spokesperson. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Dalton Smith There’s one major storyline out of the first week of Spring Training, and it has nothing to do with the players. It’s their clothes. Multiple players are raising questions about the new uniforms, courtesy of Nike and Fanatics, with complaints about texture, length, fit, lettering, and more. The new Twins uniforms may only add fuel to this fire. “The first thing I noticed is that the jersey is really thin,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Then I realized I have no place to put my arms.” Teammates and media members covering Spring Training confirmed that the Twins’ uniforms arrived in Fort Myers not just sleeveless, but without apertures for the players’ arms. A Fanatics spokesperson denied this was an error when speaking to the media on Thursday afternoon, and said it was bleeding-edge sportswear meant to improve velocity. “Waving your arms about creates significant drag and slows you down,” said the rep. “The unprecedented aerodynamics of these new uniforms make every player feel like a champion.” When asked how players could be expected to pitch, hit, or field under these conditions, the rep pointed into the middle distance and exclaimed, “Look! It’s Sammy Hagar!” When reporters pivoted to look for the former Van Halen lead singer, they only saw Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar. Upon turning back, the spokesperson could be seen making a dead sprint toward a nearby holding pond. “I’ve never seen anyone move that fast in camp,” said Betsy Helfand, Twins beat writer for the Pioneer Press. “Maybe Buxton before the injuries. Or that one time we told (the Star Tribune’s) Phil Miller there was an unattended hazy IPA with a pillowy mouthfeel and fruit-forward aromatics in the visiting dugout. There wasn’t one, but he moved like a gazelle.” For their part, the team says they are trying to adjust to the new look. “I hate this,” said Twins shortstop Carlos Correa. “This is a hospital gown with embroidery,” said Twins pitcher Louie Varland. “If you sweat in it, it disintegrates,” said Twins second baseman Edouard Julien. "It burns the skin." Image license here. View full article
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New Twins Jerseys Showcase Groundbreaking 'No Arm Holes' Feature
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
There’s one major storyline out of the first week of Spring Training, and it has nothing to do with the players. It’s their clothes. Multiple players are raising questions about the new uniforms, courtesy of Nike and Fanatics, with complaints about texture, length, fit, lettering, and more. The new Twins uniforms may only add fuel to this fire. “The first thing I noticed is that the jersey is really thin,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Then I realized I have no place to put my arms.” Teammates and media members covering Spring Training confirmed that the Twins’ uniforms arrived in Fort Myers not just sleeveless, but without apertures for the players’ arms. A Fanatics spokesperson denied this was an error when speaking to the media on Thursday afternoon, and said it was bleeding-edge sportswear meant to improve velocity. “Waving your arms about creates significant drag and slows you down,” said the rep. “The unprecedented aerodynamics of these new uniforms make every player feel like a champion.” When asked how players could be expected to pitch, hit, or field under these conditions, the rep pointed into the middle distance and exclaimed, “Look! It’s Sammy Hagar!” When reporters pivoted to look for the former Van Halen lead singer, they only saw Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar. Upon turning back, the spokesperson could be seen making a dead sprint toward a nearby holding pond. “I’ve never seen anyone move that fast in camp,” said Betsy Helfand, Twins beat writer for the Pioneer Press. “Maybe Buxton before the injuries. Or that one time we told (the Star Tribune’s) Phil Miller there was an unattended hazy IPA with a pillowy mouthfeel and fruit-forward aromatics in the visiting dugout. There wasn’t one, but he moved like a gazelle.” For their part, the team says they are trying to adjust to the new look. “I hate this,” said Twins shortstop Carlos Correa. “This is a hospital gown with embroidery,” said Twins pitcher Louie Varland. “If you sweat in it, it disintegrates,” said Twins second baseman Edouard Julien. "It burns the skin." Image license here. -
One is a veteran rock star. The other is a veteran baseball player. It’s easy to get confused here in Twins Territory, but this Twins Daily exclusive guide will help you be a smarter fan. Image courtesy of Flickr/ANSPressSocietyNews The Twins signed free-agent first baseman Carlos Santana to a one-year deal this week. Almost immediately, a bunch of wisenheimers and jackanapes began making jokes about Santana bringing his guitar with him, due to the 38-year-old veteran sharing a name with the legendary rock guitarist. While we here at Twins Daily appreciate good humor, there’s no time for jokes with spring training just around the corner. It’s important for every fan to know the difference between Carlos Santana the baseball player and Carlos Santana the rock star. That’s why we created this handy guide to help you be a better, smarter fan. Played much of his career with Cleveland, has also had stints with Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Philadelphia, and Milwaukee: This Carlos Santana. Played on the Grammy-winning 1999 hit “Smooth,” by Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Has 301 career home runs: This Carlos Santana. Had a real home run with “Smooth,” the 1999 Grammy-award winning collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million this year: This Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million in royalties this year with his melodic, tasteful guitar licks on 1999’s “Smooth,” a duet with Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas: The Other Carlos Santana. 2023 Walk-Up Song was “El Trote,” by Rochy RD and Yanco Bars: This Carlos Santana. 2023 Most Streamed Song that has Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty in a featured role was “Smooth,” by Carlos Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by hitting dingers: This Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by playing his smash 1999 single “Smooth,” ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is 93 million miles: This Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is seven inches (fairly described as “a hot one”), as noted in the first verse of “Smooth,” a collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. All-Star Game participant (2019): This Carlos Santana. All Star Grammy participant (1999): The Other Carlos Santana. Did not collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: This Carlos Santana. Did collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: The Other Carlos Santana. As you can see, there are a whole lot of differences between these two superstars! And remember, if you need a handy mnemonic device to tell them apart, think TOWERS ART CRITICS: The One Who Excellently Recorded Smooth, A Rob Thomas Collaboration, Really Isn’t Twins Infielder Carlos Santana Let's don't forget about it. View full article
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Carlos Santana vs. Carlos Santana: KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
The Twins signed free-agent first baseman Carlos Santana to a one-year deal this week. Almost immediately, a bunch of wisenheimers and jackanapes began making jokes about Santana bringing his guitar with him, due to the 38-year-old veteran sharing a name with the legendary rock guitarist. While we here at Twins Daily appreciate good humor, there’s no time for jokes with spring training just around the corner. It’s important for every fan to know the difference between Carlos Santana the baseball player and Carlos Santana the rock star. That’s why we created this handy guide to help you be a better, smarter fan. Played much of his career with Cleveland, has also had stints with Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Philadelphia, and Milwaukee: This Carlos Santana. Played on the Grammy-winning 1999 hit “Smooth,” by Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Has 301 career home runs: This Carlos Santana. Had a real home run with “Smooth,” the 1999 Grammy-award winning collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million this year: This Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million in royalties this year with his melodic, tasteful guitar licks on 1999’s “Smooth,” a duet with Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas: The Other Carlos Santana. 2023 Walk-Up Song was “El Trote,” by Rochy RD and Yanco Bars: This Carlos Santana. 2023 Most Streamed Song that has Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty in a featured role was “Smooth,” by Carlos Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by hitting dingers: This Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by playing his smash 1999 single “Smooth,” ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is 93 million miles: This Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is seven inches (fairly described as “a hot one”), as noted in the first verse of “Smooth,” a collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. All-Star Game participant (2019): This Carlos Santana. All Star Grammy participant (1999): The Other Carlos Santana. Did not collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: This Carlos Santana. Did collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: The Other Carlos Santana. As you can see, there are a whole lot of differences between these two superstars! And remember, if you need a handy mnemonic device to tell them apart, think TOWERS ART CRITICS: The One Who Excellently Recorded Smooth, A Rob Thomas Collaboration, Really Isn’t Twins Infielder Carlos Santana Let's don't forget about it. -
‘Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money, folks.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Sigmund The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding. “When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.” Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. “I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.” That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.” Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.” Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.” Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread. “Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant. Image license here. View full article
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‘Significant’ Recycling Haul Kickstarts Twins Free Agency
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding. “When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.” Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. “I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.” That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.” Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.” Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.” Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread. “Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant. Image license here. -
(Note: This piece from Anoka resident Tom Hanson has been edited for clarity, punctuation, and to remove potentially actionable threats against the President, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, and the National Weather Service.) I bet a lot of you are happy that Joe Mauer got into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Congratulations…not! Excellent job on being a useful idiot for The Deep State, losers. I’ve written at length on why Joe Mauer is a Worst Ballot Hall of Famer. No need to rehash all the reasons here, but anyone who isn’t biased by the public record knows the truth. Patriots like Curt Schilling and Omar Vizquel are left in the cold, while the $23-million double play machine gets to hang out in Cooperstown. Much like 9/11, this inside job distracts us from the real enemy: Statistics. Anyone who has dealt with lawyers, ex-wives, and the lawyers representing his ex-wives can tell you, statistics can be used for almost anything, none of it good. And when a God-fearing American says that Kim’s request for child support doesn’t pass the critical eye test, the activist judge tells you to quiet down, pull out your checkbook, and put your shirt back on. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Now, you might say that the votes are in and tabulated, it’s a done deal, Tom. Hogwash. As any lover of freedom knows, only certain votes should be counted. For example: If Mike Pence hadn’t been afraid to do the right thing, I can tell you right now that gas would be $1.29 a gallon and Joe Mauer would be in jail for defrauding season-ticket holders. What needs to happen, then? Simple. Throw out the corrupt DEI ballots with Joe Mauer on them. Tally the correct ballots. There’s your class of 2024. Even if a showboating hothead like Adrián Beltré gets in, gamers and grinders like Billy Wagner, Mark Buehrle, David Wright, and Todd Helton, real lunch-pail guys, stand a chance. You may think that’s easier said than done, but unlike Mauer, I’m not afraid of a little hard work. If enough of my fellow patriots join me in Cooperstown on July 21st, we can make our voices heard. Unless that battle-axe Kim makes me watch my rowdy stepson Kody that weekend because “he needs a dad in his life.” The faceless bureaucrats at his middle school say the same thing after every time he makes another bomb threat. Sick of this.
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An op-ed about the latest news from Cooperstown by classic North Metro ignoramus Tom Hanson. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports (Note: This piece from Anoka resident Tom Hanson has been edited for clarity, punctuation, and to remove potentially actionable threats against the President, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, and the National Weather Service.) I bet a lot of you are happy that Joe Mauer got into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Congratulations…not! Excellent job on being a useful idiot for The Deep State, losers. I’ve written at length on why Joe Mauer is a Worst Ballot Hall of Famer. No need to rehash all the reasons here, but anyone who isn’t biased by the public record knows the truth. Patriots like Curt Schilling and Omar Vizquel are left in the cold, while the $23-million double play machine gets to hang out in Cooperstown. Much like 9/11, this inside job distracts us from the real enemy: Statistics. Anyone who has dealt with lawyers, ex-wives, and the lawyers representing his ex-wives can tell you, statistics can be used for almost anything, none of it good. And when a God-fearing American says that Kim’s request for child support doesn’t pass the critical eye test, the activist judge tells you to quiet down, pull out your checkbook, and put your shirt back on. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Now, you might say that the votes are in and tabulated, it’s a done deal, Tom. Hogwash. As any lover of freedom knows, only certain votes should be counted. For example: If Mike Pence hadn’t been afraid to do the right thing, I can tell you right now that gas would be $1.29 a gallon and Joe Mauer would be in jail for defrauding season-ticket holders. What needs to happen, then? Simple. Throw out the corrupt DEI ballots with Joe Mauer on them. Tally the correct ballots. There’s your class of 2024. Even if a showboating hothead like Adrián Beltré gets in, gamers and grinders like Billy Wagner, Mark Buehrle, David Wright, and Todd Helton, real lunch-pail guys, stand a chance. You may think that’s easier said than done, but unlike Mauer, I’m not afraid of a little hard work. If enough of my fellow patriots join me in Cooperstown on July 21st, we can make our voices heard. Unless that battle-axe Kim makes me watch my rowdy stepson Kody that weekend because “he needs a dad in his life.” The faceless bureaucrats at his middle school say the same thing after every time he makes another bomb threat. Sick of this. View full article
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With spring training less than a month away, the Minnesota Twins face more than a few outstanding questions: Will they sign one of the remaining “big-name” free agents? Will the rumored trades happen? Who is the starting center fielder? Perhaps most importantly: How is anyone going to watch the games? Wednesday’s news of a potential deal between Amazon and Diamond Sports Group notwithstanding, the team moved forward with their next attempt to find a TV and streaming home on Thursday, placing the team’s broadcast rights on Facebook Marketplace. “We’re trying to meet potential business partners where they are,” said a front office source. “The almost infinite reach of the world wide web is a potential game changer. Also, it’s free to put stuff on there and we have no budget at this time.” A source with knowledge of the front office’s thinking said the idea took root after Twins President Dave St. Peter sold a couch and love seat for $200 on the platform. “The love seat was in good shape, but someone clearly spilled wine or spaghetti sauce on the couch,” said the source. “Dave got $200 for them, and the buyer and her burly sons picked them up the next day! He was high-fiving people for a week. “We’re hoping to see that kind of return here. Lots of people have microphones now because they thought they were going to start a podcast. Maybe they have cameras, one of those white vans with a satellite dish on it, and a per diem budget for talent. You don’t know. Only one way to find out.” Sources say this is the first time the Twins have used Facebook Marketplace since they posted a “free to a good home” offer for a gently-used Alex Wimmers in 2017. Image license here.
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'We’re trying to meet potential business partners where they are. Also, it’s free to put stuff on there.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Greg Bulla With spring training less than a month away, the Minnesota Twins face more than a few outstanding questions: Will they sign one of the remaining “big-name” free agents? Will the rumored trades happen? Who is the starting center fielder? Perhaps most importantly: How is anyone going to watch the games? Wednesday’s news of a potential deal between Amazon and Diamond Sports Group notwithstanding, the team moved forward with their next attempt to find a TV and streaming home on Thursday, placing the team’s broadcast rights on Facebook Marketplace. “We’re trying to meet potential business partners where they are,” said a front office source. “The almost infinite reach of the world wide web is a potential game changer. Also, it’s free to put stuff on there and we have no budget at this time.” A source with knowledge of the front office’s thinking said the idea took root after Twins President Dave St. Peter sold a couch and love seat for $200 on the platform. “The love seat was in good shape, but someone clearly spilled wine or spaghetti sauce on the couch,” said the source. “Dave got $200 for them, and the buyer and her burly sons picked them up the next day! He was high-fiving people for a week. “We’re hoping to see that kind of return here. Lots of people have microphones now because they thought they were going to start a podcast. Maybe they have cameras, one of those white vans with a satellite dish on it, and a per diem budget for talent. You don’t know. Only one way to find out.” Sources say this is the first time the Twins have used Facebook Marketplace since they posted a “free to a good home” offer for a gently-used Alex Wimmers in 2017. Image license here. View full article
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Local Baseball Writer Regrets Calling Spouse ‘Toolsy’
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
It began, as these things often do, with an attempt at a compliment. Keri Jones-Youngblood had finished off a frenetic afternoon of putting out fires at her job, going to the gym, picking her son Alex up from school, and stopping to grab some dinner. Her husband, local baseball writer Mike Youngblood, had just spent the entire day working from his home office, compiling a massive list of intriguing spring training prospects for the Minnesota Twins. The words he’d been using to describe those prospects were still whirling about his brainpan—velo, lift, plus-plus, contact, fringy, upside. And one more. As Jones-Youngblood entered the front door in workout gear, with a positively buzzing kindergartner, her purse, her laptop bag, and two medium pizzas, Mike couldn’t help but be impressed. “Man, you sure are toolsy,” he exclaimed. “I was in the prospect zone and it just slipped out,” said Youngblood. “I really did it this time.” One witness says the quiet that followed was “eerie, like right before a bad summer storm rolls in.” “Keri doesn’t really follow baseball, a lot of the lingo just flies over her head,” said another witness, recalling how badly it backfired when Mike asked if Keri was down with OFP. “Even if you explain that ‘toolsy’ is praise, it still sounds like, well, whatever a layman would think it sounds like.” Jones-Youngblood set her personal effects down on the counter, grabbed the good pizza (pepperoni, mushroom, and green olives), and went to the couple’s bedroom, closing the door firmly. The theme from TV’s Gilmore Girls could be heard from within. Mike and Alex ate cheese pizza at the kitchen table, with Alex asking if he could watch Bluey on his tablet while Mike stared into the middle distance. Sources say his best way of rectifying the situation will be to attend her work happy hour next Thursday, when they celebrate her co-worker Jan’s 50th birthday. “Keri straight-up hates Jan and needs a minimum of two glasses of wine to keep up appearances,” said a source familiar with Jones-Youngblood’s thinking. “If Mike sits there sipping on a Diet Coke, nods along to Jan’s boring stories about going to Cabo, and handles all the driving, he has a real shot at recovering from this.” Image license here. -
‘I was in the prospect zone and it just slipped out. I really did it this time.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Irene Strong It began, as these things often do, with an attempt at a compliment. Keri Jones-Youngblood had finished off a frenetic afternoon of putting out fires at her job, going to the gym, picking her son Alex up from school, and stopping to grab some dinner. Her husband, local baseball writer Mike Youngblood, had just spent the entire day working from his home office, compiling a massive list of intriguing spring training prospects for the Minnesota Twins. The words he’d been using to describe those prospects were still whirling about his brainpan—velo, lift, plus-plus, contact, fringy, upside. And one more. As Jones-Youngblood entered the front door in workout gear, with a positively buzzing kindergartner, her purse, her laptop bag, and two medium pizzas, Mike couldn’t help but be impressed. “Man, you sure are toolsy,” he exclaimed. “I was in the prospect zone and it just slipped out,” said Youngblood. “I really did it this time.” One witness says the quiet that followed was “eerie, like right before a bad summer storm rolls in.” “Keri doesn’t really follow baseball, a lot of the lingo just flies over her head,” said another witness, recalling how badly it backfired when Mike asked if Keri was down with OFP. “Even if you explain that ‘toolsy’ is praise, it still sounds like, well, whatever a layman would think it sounds like.” Jones-Youngblood set her personal effects down on the counter, grabbed the good pizza (pepperoni, mushroom, and green olives), and went to the couple’s bedroom, closing the door firmly. The theme from TV’s Gilmore Girls could be heard from within. Mike and Alex ate cheese pizza at the kitchen table, with Alex asking if he could watch Bluey on his tablet while Mike stared into the middle distance. Sources say his best way of rectifying the situation will be to attend her work happy hour next Thursday, when they celebrate her co-worker Jan’s 50th birthday. “Keri straight-up hates Jan and needs a minimum of two glasses of wine to keep up appearances,” said a source familiar with Jones-Youngblood’s thinking. “If Mike sits there sipping on a Diet Coke, nods along to Jan’s boring stories about going to Cabo, and handles all the driving, he has a real shot at recovering from this.” Image license here. View full article
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“If we can find someone who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Mark Bowman As the big (and not-so-big) names in MLB free agency continue finding homes, the Minnesota Twins have done the bare minimum. And they’re leaning into it. “You sickos produced an extraordinary amount of content over Josh Staumont,” said a Twins front office source, referencing the wealth of blog posts, podcasts, and social media conversation about the former Kansas City Royals reliever. “Josh Staumont! He’s not even getting a million dollars! Incredible.” The team expects similar clamor over Thursday’s claim of starter-turned-reliever Ryan Jensen from Miami. “It’s a low-risk dart throw,” said the source. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed for anyone who’s covering it. I expect those freaks at The Athletic to devote 5,000 words to it. The Strib will put it above the fold, unless one of the Vikings gets a DUI while driving a school bus. Dance, piggies, dance. Here’s your slop! Eat! Eat!” The source says the team is relishing the challenge to make even more marginal moves, just to see how much coverage they can get. “Three main goals this offseason: cut payroll, make smart trades, and get you goobers to listen to every minute of a two-hour podcast about what A.J. Alexy brings to the table,” said the source. “If we can find a guy who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.” Twins media sources were, by and large, reluctant to comment on the situation on the record, but most begrudgingly admitted that they have little choice but to obsessively cover the most minor transactions while other teams take big swings. “It is what it is,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. Image license here. View full article
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As the big (and not-so-big) names in MLB free agency continue finding homes, the Minnesota Twins have done the bare minimum. And they’re leaning into it. “You sickos produced an extraordinary amount of content over Josh Staumont,” said a Twins front office source, referencing the wealth of blog posts, podcasts, and social media conversation about the former Kansas City Royals reliever. “Josh Staumont! He’s not even getting a million dollars! Incredible.” The team expects similar clamor over Thursday’s claim of starter-turned-reliever Ryan Jensen from Miami. “It’s a low-risk dart throw,” said the source. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed for anyone who’s covering it. I expect those freaks at The Athletic to devote 5,000 words to it. The Strib will put it above the fold, unless one of the Vikings gets a DUI while driving a school bus. Dance, piggies, dance. Here’s your slop! Eat! Eat!” The source says the team is relishing the challenge to make even more marginal moves, just to see how much coverage they can get. “Three main goals this offseason: cut payroll, make smart trades, and get you goobers to listen to every minute of a two-hour podcast about what A.J. Alexy brings to the table,” said the source. “If we can find a guy who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.” Twins media sources were, by and large, reluctant to comment on the situation on the record, but most begrudgingly admitted that they have little choice but to obsessively cover the most minor transactions while other teams take big swings. “It is what it is,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. Image license here.
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“Gabe has really grown into his role with the club. He is also the only person working this week.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Csaba Balazs The first Minnesota Twins free agent signing of the offseason was not quite the spectacle that Shohei Ohtani’s was. Or Carlos Correa’s. Or, well, name a baseball player. Still, given the team’s inactivity and self-enforced payroll caution, any signing is newsworthy. Which means the team needs a hype video about new reliever Josh Staumont to post on social media. Which means even a real drag like 21-year-old intern Gabe Westergaard becomes useful. “Like a lot of people, our PR employees take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, or are on call in case something big happens,” said one front office source. “Signing a 30-year-old reliever coming off major surgery--whom the Royals didn’t even want, for less than seven figures--is what it is, but it’s not going to lead SportsCenter. That’s where even an absolute chud like Gabe comes in handy.” Westergaard, a junior at St. Thomas, has struggled adapting to his role, per multiple sources. “Spilled coffee on his new laptop on the first day, and it went downhill from there,” said a source familiar with the team’s thinking. “Keeps calling (Twins President) Dave St. Peter ‘Davey boy.’ Only drinks protein shakes, which makes him noticeably gassy in close quarters. “We had an employee happy hour at The Loon right before the holidays and he kept ordering these drinks called ‘trash cans.’ Threw up all over Dick Bremer, said ‘Sorry broski, puke and rally, am I right’ and kept pounding them before we put him in an Uber.” (Bremer was unavailable to confirm or deny the incident, but his son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable.) Despite these missteps (and, equally, because of them), Westergaard has been charged with creating the promotional footage and media assets for the newest Twin. “Gabe has really grown into his role with the club,” said another front office source. “He is also the only person working this week.” With the introductory press conference set for Saturday, Westergaard is expected to deliver the finished product by EOD Friday. Sources say the creative process has been “challenging” so far. “He asked (Twins Vice President of Communications) Dustin Morse how much he should reference the situation in Gaza,” said a source in the team’s analytics department. “That was a very short conversation. Also, whatever a ‘Skibidi Toilet’ is, it’s apparently part of the TikTok rollout.” When reached for comment, Westergaard would only say that the content would be “gas.” Image license here. View full article
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Least-Liked Intern Given Josh Staumont Hype Video Task
RandBalls Stu posted an article in Just For Fun
The first Minnesota Twins free agent signing of the offseason was not quite the spectacle that Shohei Ohtani’s was. Or Carlos Correa’s. Or, well, name a baseball player. Still, given the team’s inactivity and self-enforced payroll caution, any signing is newsworthy. Which means the team needs a hype video about new reliever Josh Staumont to post on social media. Which means even a real drag like 21-year-old intern Gabe Westergaard becomes useful. “Like a lot of people, our PR employees take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, or are on call in case something big happens,” said one front office source. “Signing a 30-year-old reliever coming off major surgery--whom the Royals didn’t even want, for less than seven figures--is what it is, but it’s not going to lead SportsCenter. That’s where even an absolute chud like Gabe comes in handy.” Westergaard, a junior at St. Thomas, has struggled adapting to his role, per multiple sources. “Spilled coffee on his new laptop on the first day, and it went downhill from there,” said a source familiar with the team’s thinking. “Keeps calling (Twins President) Dave St. Peter ‘Davey boy.’ Only drinks protein shakes, which makes him noticeably gassy in close quarters. “We had an employee happy hour at The Loon right before the holidays and he kept ordering these drinks called ‘trash cans.’ Threw up all over Dick Bremer, said ‘Sorry broski, puke and rally, am I right’ and kept pounding them before we put him in an Uber.” (Bremer was unavailable to confirm or deny the incident, but his son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable.) Despite these missteps (and, equally, because of them), Westergaard has been charged with creating the promotional footage and media assets for the newest Twin. “Gabe has really grown into his role with the club,” said another front office source. “He is also the only person working this week.” With the introductory press conference set for Saturday, Westergaard is expected to deliver the finished product by EOD Friday. Sources say the creative process has been “challenging” so far. “He asked (Twins Vice President of Communications) Dustin Morse how much he should reference the situation in Gaza,” said a source in the team’s analytics department. “That was a very short conversation. Also, whatever a ‘Skibidi Toilet’ is, it’s apparently part of the TikTok rollout.” When reached for comment, Westergaard would only say that the content would be “gas.” Image license here.

