Things I Personally Blame on the New York Yankees, Who I Just Don’t Like

Remember last year, when the Twins won the season series versus the New York Yankees? It was great! After decades of humbling, soul-crushing defeats, the Twins were the better team--both at Target Field and, somehow, at Yankee Stadium. It felt like a prelude to Minnesota also relieving itself of its humbling, soul-crushing playoff losing streak, while the Yankees missed the postseason entirely.

So, about this year.

The Yankees have returned to form, holding the best record in the American League as of this writing. The Twins cut payroll and sustained a ton of injuries, but a scorching 17-3 run entering their first series with the Bronx Bombers provided optimism.

It didn’t last. The starting pitchers surrendered mammoth dongs, the offense was anemic, and the defense was a SuperFund site. It all contributed to a series sweep at home and a familiar, nauseating sensation. Yankees vs. Twins is back, and it sucks.

But you don’t need me to tell you that. What you need is a list of things I personally blame on the New York Yankees, whom I hate with a renewed vigor:

• Human want.
• The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering the start of World War I.
• Google search being nothing but ads now.
• Amazon not renewing Patriot for a third season.
• Mosquitoes.
• Climate change.
• The dang kids these days.
• Aaron Boone time-traveling to 1919 and giving Shoeless Joe Jackson an old-timey Draft Kings account, kickstarting the Black Sox scandal.
• Canadian wildfire smoke.
• Fanatics uniforms.
• The price of eggs.
• The ravages of age and time.
• The Mayor of Amity not closing the beaches on July 4th, even though there’s obviously a great white shark in the water.
• ESPN airing debate shows in the morning instead of Sports Center.
• Yung Gravy.
• Lumpy Gravy.
• Wavy Gravy.
• Steve Garvey.
• The Savings & Loan Crisis.
• Three Mile Island.
• Chernobyl.
• Injuries to all the good pitchers.
• No one ever making a documentary about the Rally Room.
• Hangnails.
• The Salem witch trials.
• The Teapot Dome Scandal.
• The road construction between Woodbury and Hudson.
• The ‘90s swing revival.
• The dude from Staind becoming a country singer and somehow getting worse.
• Dallas stealing the North Stars.
• Hangovers.
• Loneliness.
• Nikola Jokic destroying your hopes and dreams despite looking and moving like a sock full of oatmeal.

In conclusion, I just don’t like the New York Yankees. God does, though, and that just makes me madder.

Image license here.