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It was a beautiful day for Twins fans as baseball’s Hall of Fame prepared for the induction of Joe Mauer into its hallowed list of the game’s mightiest heroes. But not everyone celebrated as St. Paul’s native son made history.
A support group for Mauer’s staunchest critics was created in December after it was announced that he surpassed the 75% vote threshold that is necessary for induction into Cooperstown, and now that group has seen its attendance grow tenfold as he officially receives the game’s highest honor.
“Look, this is a field where it’s gauche to celebrate a record-high number of participants seeking help,” said Dr. Richard Rivers of the Cope Harder Foundation. “But honestly, these people are some of the most miserable that I’ve ever met in my 32 years in the field, so I’m happy we can give them a place to try and release the toxic thought process that has lived in their head for years.”
The Cope Harder Foundation was started in 1992 by a group of mental health professionals who are keenly aware of the troubled nature of people who suffer from chronic pessimism. Their first group revolved around detractors who claimed the Twins had no shot of winning the pennant in 1991, but were proven woefully wrong after one of the most thrilling and satisfying championships in North American sports history.
Now, the majority of the participants that attend daily meetings are going through an identity crisis after years of adamant proclamations that they know "ball better than anyone," and that Mauer should be in the “Hall of Very Good” rather than Cooperstown.
“I just can’t get my head around the fact that voters thought this guy was one of the best players in the history of baseball,” said a befuddled client as they walked into CHF’s Highland Park campus. “How could Mauer get in but my guy Doug Mientkiewicz didn’t get a single vote? It just doesn’t add up.”
The groups start by trying to focus on reasonable explanations for how Mauer earned his honor. From talking about his numerous awards and accolades, to his strong character and hometown hero storyline, logic points to the Twins icon being more than deserving of induction. But the people seeking support from CHF defy logic, and may not even be able to define it.
“He wasn’t even a catcher for the last four years of his career! This is lunacy,” said another attendee as a small vein in his forehead started to protrude. “How hard can it be? I catch for my beer league softball team every other week, and you don’t hear me complaining.”
Chronic pessimism has run rampant through Minnesota sports fandom for years. Experts say it’s a natural defense mechanism for emotionally immature losers that insist on spreading their pathetic gloom to those they see as happier and more well-rounded. So how can society alleviate themselves from the plight of these knuckle-dragging cynics?
“This has been a busy weekend for us, and it makes our mission a lot harder if we’re the only ones calling out our clients’ pitiful behavior in the light of so much celebration,” said Dr. Rivers from the observation room adjacent to the meeting area. “What we recommend is everyone printing out a copy of Mauer’s Baseball Reference page and showing it to any detractors at their first sign of lashing out. That usually shuts them up pretty damn fast.”
The Mauer-centered groups meet daily, just after the Packers Fan Living In Minnesota group gets out. For a list of future group openings, just consult Twitter after any regular season loss and follow the crowd of dimwits.
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