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  • Anoka Man Thinks Buxton Should Pay Twins


    RandBalls Stu

    As the Twins weigh their options for the talented center fielder, at least one fan thinks the correct answer is staring them right in the face.

    Image courtesy of Brad Rempel, USA TODAY Sports

    Twins Video

    Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward.

    “He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.”

    Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion.

    “He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.”

    Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way.

    Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.”

    When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid.

    “You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.”

    Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries.  

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    1 hour ago, nclahammer said:

    Oh i love this on sooooooo many levels.    Sign him Twins!

    Yes, this is an instant classic. Although, within a week of Thanksgiving, it's nightmarish to have Zach "I missed first base" Granite jammed back into your stream of consciousness.

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    1 hour ago, Murph said:

    Just read your reaction to a man whose been banned by every other source.  Not sure why you'd feature him, here.  

    Probably because this is satire and the guy doesn't exist.

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    37 minutes ago, ashbury said:

    How do I know you exist?

    My brother always insisted that he was the only real human being and all the rest of us were robots just put here to annoy him. He could've been right. But nobody shut us all off when the brother went to that Big Stadium in the Sky; bleacher seats. So I've concluded the Twins play a similar role but in reverse; they're only here to annoy us robots. That's why we keep coming back for more Twins disappointment when a real human being would've given up a long time ago. Just be careful you don't accidentally bump your off switch next time your throwing crap at the TV when the Twins go down 1-2-3 with the bases loaded. You can't be recycled.

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