Twins Ownership Appears on Shark Tank

[Cody Christie]

Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-Imagn Images

Minnesota Twins Executive Chair Tom Pohlad appeared on Shark Tank this week seeking $150 million in funding for a groundbreaking startup known as Competitive Payroll. The company, which Pohlad described as "an innovative new approach to running a Major League Baseball franchise," is seeking capital to fund a radical experiment involving paying talented players their market value.

"For years, we've operated under the assumption that spending less money was the safest path forward," Pohlad told the panel. "But what if there was another way?"

The Sharks appeared intrigued.

"So what's the business?" asked Mark Cuban.

"We own a baseball team. And we'd like to make it better."

"How?"

"We were hoping you could help us answer that."

Pohlad then unveiled a 47-slide presentation titled: Can Spending Money Make Money?!? The first slide showed a graph illustrating payroll reductions over the past several seasons. The second showed additional payroll reductions to the rest of the organization. The third was simply a picture of a piggy bank.

"Interesting," Cuban said. "But how does the business grow?"

Pohlad clicked to the next slide. The title read: Potential Additional Cost Savings. Throughout the presentation, the Sharks repeatedly attempted to explain how baseball economics work.

"You know, fans usually like it when teams keep their best players," said Barbara Corcoran.

Pohlad nodded politely.

"We've identified several opportunities to reduce travel expenses."

"No," Corcoran replied. "I mean, fans spend money when they believe the team is trying to win."

Pohlad quickly advanced to a pie chart labeled: “Areas Where We Could Potentially Spend Even Less.”

Kevin O'Leary jumped in.

"Let's say you spend more money on players," the shiny-domed entrepreneur said. "Then you win more games. Then attendance goes up. Then revenue goes up."

The room became quiet. Pohlad studied the diagram.

"We have not previously explored that sequence of events."

At one point, Cuban attempted to simplify the discussion.

"Tom, let's forget baseball. Imagine you own a restaurant."

"Okay."

"You serve great food."

"Seems expensive."

"Stay with me. People like the food, so more customers come."

Pohlad looked confused.

"Why would we want more customers?"

The Sharks stared blankly.

"Because they spend money."

Pohlad immediately called for a brief recess. After returning, ownership unveiled what they called a revolutionary internal metric known as Cost Above Replacement, or CAR. The statistic measures how much money can be saved by replacing productive players with cheaper players.

According to the Twins' projections, the organization could achieve record efficiency by eventually fielding a roster composed entirely of league-minimum salaries, waiver claims, and one veteran reliever acquired for cash considerations.

Guest Shark Alex Rodriguez attempted one final time.

"Winning creates excitement."

Pohlad nodded.

"Excitement creates attendance."

"Interesting."

"Attendance creates revenue."

Pohlad began furiously taking notes.

"Revenue can then be reinvested into the roster."

The Twins executive paused.

"You're saying the payroll is connected to the baseball team?"

"Yes."

"And the baseball team is connected to the fans?"

"Also, yes."

"Has Major League Baseball reviewed this theory?"

Despite the educational session, all five Sharks ultimately declined to invest.

"I still don't understand the business plan," Cuban said.

"Neither do we," Pohlad replied. "That's why we're seeking strategic partners."

As filming concluded, Pohlad remained optimistic.

"We learned a lot today," he said. "Apparently, there may be a relationship between winning games and making money. We're planning to spend the next several years studying the concept."

Sources confirmed the Twins immediately formed a committee to determine whether fans prefer victories over payroll flexibility. The committee is expected to issue its findings sometime in 2034.

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[MMBoys93]

29 of the last 30 World Series were won by teams with a payroll in the top half.
Only Miami in 2001 was bottom 15.

[ashbury]

I checked snopes.com to try to verify these claims, and the only instance I could find where any of the Pohlads appeared on Shark Tank was Jim as a panelist, turning thumbs down on every investment opportunity offered on the grounds that the applicant's company didn't have a 20 year track record.

[farmerguychris]

Favorite spoof article so far.... Seems spot on and very predictive of what would likely happen.

[Western SD Fan]

I was able to break into the meeting and procure one of the Pohlad's slides.  It looked like this:

[tony&rodney]

During the Falvey Era, the Twins spent more on players' salaries than any of their fellow members in the ALC. Being consumed with all things Pohlad is a satire indeed.