Under New Ownership, Jake Cave Rebrands as Jacob Cave

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes, announced Thursday that it had been acquired by Silvestri & Bolin Holdings, and would now be known as Jacob Cave.

"We've always been a cave for Jakes, and we'll never stop being that," said spokesperson Danyel Greer. "This new chapter will allow us to expand our reach and accept Jacobs as well. It's a brand-new day at Jacob Cave, the cave for Jakes and, for the first time, Jacobs."

Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, the former Jake Cave is fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. The rebranded Cave is best known to Twins fans for sharing a name with former Minnesota outfielder Jake Cave, who has been sent there multiple times, much to his chagrin.

"Here at Jacob Cave, we provide Jakes and Jacobs in need with the skills, tutoring, and guidance they need to succeed in the modern world," said Greer. "It can be anything from trade skills to English as a second language to calisthenics. Jakes and Jacobs on the margins can re-enter society fully equipped to make their mark on the world."

Greer would not comment on the fate of Mecha Jake, the cave's AI robot that has led to a number of lawsuits against the cave and likely led to its sale for below market value to Silvestri & Bolin.

"We can't comment on an ongoing criminal investigation," said Greer. "Our hearts are with everyone at the kitten and puppy shelter as they sift through the rubble."

Meanwhile, Jake Cave the player is currently on the roster of El Aguila de Veracruz in the Mexican League. Through his agent, Cave said, "I'm never going back there. You hear me? I'm never going back."

When asked if Jacob Cave would accept Jakobs with a "k," Greer was resolute. 

"Jakobs with a 'k" aren't OK," said Greer. "That remains a bedrock company policy. They can get their own damn cave. Laggards and jackanapes, the lot of them.

"They can go to hell."

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[Parfigliano]

"Jackanapes" used in a sentence.  Old school.

[um_stevenel]

Oh man, Jacob Cavern was right there for the taking.

[Patzky]

1 hour ago, um_stevenel said:

Oh man, Jacob Cavern was right there for the taking.

I thought the same but I think that was the bad guy on Lost.