5 Fictional Billionaires That Would Make Great Twins Owners

[Lou Hennessy]

After it was announced that the Pohlad family would explore a trade of the Minnesota Twins, many wasted time by naming the first (only?) three real billionaires that they knew off the top of their head as potential buyers. 

Sweet Lou wasted his time coming up with five fake ones. Come waste your time reading what he came up with.
 

Image courtesy of Kaboompics.com on Flickr

Look, this isn't a list of perfect candidates to be new owners for our beloved ball club, but the Twins aren't a perfect franchise. Instead, I came up with my ideal fictional billionaires that could benefit Twins Territory should they decide to pursue an acquisition, or, you know, become real.

And yes, I did grow up in the '90s. Can you tell?

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C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons)

Okay, I know Mr. Burns is almost always seen as purely evil, completely narcissistic and cold-blooded, but that is pretty par for the course in this line of work. I think that he would be a great team owner because of his ability to be frugal when it counts (“Does anybody have change for a button?”) while having the liquidity and availability to shell out when the time is right. Plus, he’s already shown a willingness to go out and acquire the cream of the crop when it comes to on-field talent. When he was the owner/manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team, he went out and got the likes of Ken Griffey Jr. (and his grotesquely swollen jaw), Steve Sax (and his run-in with the law), Ozzie and the Straw (Ozzie Smith and Darryl Strawberry). Fans have been craving that sort of investment in the on-field product for decades, and they can finally get it with Burnsy on board (just make sure Mattingly gets rid of those sideburns). 

As an added bonus, Mr. Burns has shown with his "sun blocker" project that he can answer the calls from a certain contingent to "put a roof on" Target Field. Want an end to rainouts? Burns can do you one better: no clouds, no sun, no weather at all.

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Bruce Wayne (Batman)

Young. Mysterious. Good-looking. Billionaire genius. No, I’m not talking about John Bonnes, I’m talking about Bruce Wayne, the CEO and owner of Wayne Enterprises. Would an MLB franchise in Minnesota interest a titan of industry from the massive metropolis (not the Metropolis) known as Gotham City? 

Sure, Wayne has plenty on his plate already, but this would be a major get from the Twins’ end. You have to think he’d supply the club with state-of-the-art, cutting-edge technology, while mostly staying out of the way thanks to his mysterious nightlife that nobody seems to know anything about. 

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Scrooge McDuck (DuckTales)

This bird is absolutely loaded. How loaded you say? Well in 1956, it was estimated that McDuck had a net worth of “one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred and twenty-three dollars and sixty two cents.” and that was almost 70 years ago! He must be worth at least thirty multiplujillion in today’s valuation when taking inflation into account. 

Another interesting twist on his fit as the Twins’ owner is the fact that his nephew, Donald, is a well-known Disney star. It could be interesting to go from a billionaire nephew in Joe Pohlad, to a billionaire uncle in Scrooge McDuck. 

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Willy Wonka (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

Right off the bat – I’m talking about the OG version of Wonka, Gene Wilder. Not that creep Johnny Depp. You think I’m trying to get canceled for this? Anyway, sugar is king in this country, and the Twins could use a sugar daddy. 

We know Wonka is great with promotions and marketing. He had eyes on his company from all over the world when he went through with his brilliant Golden Ticket giveaway. Maybe he can incorporate that type of creativity into the Twins’ ticket sales department. 

Actually this one is turning into my favorite on the list. Give me a chocolate river running through the Gate 34 plaza all day. 

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Dr. John Hammond (Jurassic Park)

What could go wrong?

The tycoon behind the brilliant Jurassic Park experiment might just be the outside-the-box candidate this franchise needs as an owner. And yes, the execution behind a theme park centered around giant cloned dinosaurs was certainly flawed. But the idea was brilliant, otherwise they wouldn’t have tried to do it like five more times.  

The promotions would be astounding, to say the least. Instead of the mascot race, they could do a live feeding of TC Rex (who replaced that godless heathen, TC Bear, on day one). In lieu of a bullpen cart, they could have one of the triceratops carry in… I don't know. Scott Blewett or something. Not to mention the new concession items for the carnivores among us. Hope you like goat.

Move over, Target Field. Welcome… to Targrassic Park (cue the music).

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What do you think? Which of these fictional billionaires would you like to see buy the Twins? Do any others come to mind? Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet. 
 

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[CRF]

It's gonna be a loooooooooong winter!

[Richie the Rally Goat]

Hammond has shown no qualms about a long commute to the Park, and an aversion to relocating The Park to San Diego (I believe). He’s my number 1!

Wayne and McDuck would immediately move the Twins to Gotham City and Duckberg. 
 

Would Wonka move the Twins to the UK? He doesn’t have a British accent, so I’m inclined to no, but he’s so darn reclusive it’s hard to tell…

My offering would be George Bailey. They might scrap by on grit and determination alone, but rely on and give back to the Twins Community.

[twinstalker]

DuckTales?  SMD was around for 40 years before that.

[Mike Sixel]

Tony stark? He has infinite energy to keep the lights on.

Dracula must be a billionaire by now. Though they'd only play at night....

 

 

[Juza]

Come on Lou, what 90s kid wouldn't want Richie Rich as the owner of the Twins! He's got boat loads of money, understands baseball, and would hire the best coaches (Reggie Jackson) and presumably players.