Not Wanting To Be Outdone, Joe Mauer Trying To Be Next Twins’ Owner

[Lou Hennessy]

The Hall of Fame catcher does not want to share the spotlight with his longtime positional rival, Buster Posey, who was just named the President of Baseball Operations with the San Francisco Giants

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

After being inducted into the Hall of Fame in July, Joe Mauer thought he had it all. He’s an icon in his home state, he made hundreds of millions of dollars, and he has etched his name in the hallowed halls of Cooperstown thanks to an incredible career. 
But it’s not enough to satisfy his ultimate desire –  to be better than Buster Posey. 
In a stunning move on Monday, the San Francisco Giants announced the dismissal of their President of Baseball Operations Farhan Zaidi, and that he’d be replaced by their longtime catcher. It left many baseball fans scratching their heads, but it left Mauer seething with anger. After all, the two catchers were compared to each other year after year for what felt like an eternity, with Posey usually edging Mauer when it came to career longevity, championships won, and the fact that he had a more-quintessential baseball name. 
“First of all, I’m not doing this just because of Buster – if that is his real name,” said Mauer as he reached between the cushions of his living room couch while seeking loose change. “I’m doing this because I care about this team and I want to see them succeed. And yes, I would also love to see the look on Posey’s smug face when I once again take the top headline from him.”
Now, it takes more than desire to facilitate an ownership change. Mauer is going to need to find significant capital if he wants to entice the Pohlad family into selling their favorite cash cow. Estimates on the valuation of the MInnesota Twins is somewhere in the neighborhood of $1.8 billion, and that’s a lot of milk money. 
With that in mind, sources say that Mauer has enlisted his three children to help him raise money through a milk stand at the corner of their block. 
“I know they should probably be in school, but if we can scrounge up a few hundred million it will all be worth it,” said Mauer as he hung a ‘MAUERADE’ sign from a nearby light post. “Buster might have the bigger office for now, but I know the power of good ol’ 2% will get me on top eventually.”
The rivalry between Mauer and Posey may not have gotten a ton of notoriety in their playing days, but sources say that tensions have been rising for the last couple of years. In fact, some claim that the speech that Mauer gave at his Hall of Fame inauguration was actually a backup that he had prepared, and his original plan was to roast the former Giants’ backstop for 20 minutes. But an old friend, Justin Morneau, was able to walk him back. 
“People don’t know this, but Joe is a very spiteful person behind closed doors,” Morneau said.  “The only reason he moved to first base midway through his career was because I took his parking spot one time, so he decided he would take my job.”
Many fans are warm to the idea of the club finding a new ownership group, and having it be the native son of Twins Territory likely appeals to multiple generations. Not only is Mauer a standout community member in the Twin Cities that garners respect from baby boomers and into Gen X, but he is the first Twins’ Hall of Famer that many Mauerllenials can remember watching in-person.
“At the end of the day, I want to do it for the fans,” said Mauer as he dragged a cartful of his trophies into Pawn America. One of his Silver Slugger awards drops to the ground, leaving a small dent at the base. “And if the fans really care about me and this team, they’ll help me get the higher ground on that snake down by the bay.”
 

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[bean5302]

This one was awesome! hahaha

[Sjoski]

Not really seeing the humor in this. Satire is designed to mock. Anyone but Joe Mauer deserve this.
Go after the other Joe, Rocco, or Falvey. Then you'd have me.


 

[Lou Hennessy]

23 minutes ago, Sjoski said:

Not really seeing the humor in this. Satire is designed to mock. Anyone but Joe Mauer deserve this.
Go after the other Joe, Rocco, or Falvey. Then you'd have me.


 

I hope you and Joe will forgive me.

[AaronRendahl]

1 hour ago, Sjoski said:

Not really seeing the humor in this. Satire is designed to mock. Anyone but Joe Mauer deserve this.
Go after the other Joe, Rocco, or Falvey. Then you'd have me.


 

I'm ambivalent about most of the satire here, but I liked this one -- I didn't read it about Mauer though, I read it as saying that a change in ownership behavior is needed so much that even Joe Mauer would go to such lengths. The satire works only because we all know Joe wouldn't actually act like this.

To be fair to your comment though, I'm often ambivalent about the satire because I often find it unclear what it's actually satirizing. So the fact that we read this differently means that this one is unclear too.

[Rhyno006]

Mauer and his ownership group, The "4-6-3 GIDP Brotherhood" 

I'll see myself out. ;)

[Sjoski]

3 hours ago, AaronRendahl said:

I'm ambivalent about most of the satire here, but I liked this one -- I didn't read it about Mauer though, I read it as saying that a change in ownership behavior is needed so much that even Joe Mauer would go to such lengths

I can agree with that to some degree, it's just that in the best of satire, there is always an element of truth in it too....that's good satire. 

But to tell you the absolute truth....I wish it were true. 

[ashbury]

14 minutes ago, Sjoski said:

I can agree with that to some degree, it's just that in the best of satire, there is always an element of truth in it too....that's good satire. 

Maybe it's just a spoof.

[Sjoski]

Lou,

Here's some content to work with.  

https://www.mlb.com/news/twins-fire-major-league-coaches-2024

[twinsfansd]

I think this is very disrespectful. I don't know what has happened to the writers on this site, but it has gotten to be disgraceful.

Nothing is ever written here any

[twinsfansd]

Continued.

Nothing is ever written here anymore except negative, negative, negative.

Can we move on from tearing down ownership and discouraging the fans, and naybe move on to something hopeful for next year.

Shame on the lot of you.

[bean5302]

If people can't take a joke, don't read humorous articles. Joe Mauer is certainly not going to be offended by a ridiculous tongue in cheek piece like this. This was written to be a funny piece and lighten the air, but the PC police on overdrive have really worked hard to ruin the mood.

[Fire Dan Gladden]

3 hours ago, twinsfansd said:

Continued.

Nothing is ever written here anymore except negative, negative, negative.

Can we move on from tearing down ownership and discouraging the fans, and naybe move on to something hopeful for next year.

Shame on the lot of you.

What exactly do you propose gets written?

Another 40 articles about potential trade deadline moves that everyone knew would never happen?

How about an in-depth analysis of the potential off-season moves the Twins will make this season (Hint: None)

I know... The Festa/Varland/Matthews trifecta of 6+ ERA from the youth.

Buxton played 100 games this year.  Ober showed promise.  Correa (when healthy) earned his contract.  Other than that, I got nothin... 

[D. Hocking]

20 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

I hope you and Joe will forgive me.

Did you not read your own article?  His kids are biking over to your house with rolls of TP right now.