In light of Boras's Comments a - Total Bora$$ BluePrint

[tvagle]

I totally planned to put together a BluePrint that could almost make it believable that Harper to the Twins could happen

His ability to handle 1B occasionally would make him the perfect "Versatility" play with Austin

Everyone's favorite trade candidate could be moved for anything knowing Bryce was here to man RF most days

 

Well...Scottie B chose the wrong time to poke fun at MLB and use my favorite team as the butt of his joke

His single Twin comment changed everything for me...to which...I focused my attention on the following Total BS BluePrint

 

A Team only Bora$$ could love

 

FREE AGENTS

With money to spare and a second Twin to locate I suggest the Pohlad's defend the honor of Minnesota and sign the following:

 

Martin Maldonado C 2 years $4M AAV - Pitch framer extraordinaire makes Castro trade bait (not good trade bait mind you but he's now expendable) and the offensive trade off is equally offensive only from the other side of the plate 

 

Matt Wieters C 1 year $5M - much has been said about versatility in recent posts and whats more versatile than an aging LH Catcher with a long injury history...Wieters quoted after signing "I was inspired to join the Twin after watching the Joe Mauer send off last season...all I'm really looking for out of this is a chance to catch one more ball before I go"

 

Marwin Gonzalez UT 4 years $9M AAV - everyone's favorite more expensive Eddie the Stick replacement joins the Twin providing more versatility to an already di-versatile line up...Scottie B knew MarTwin was a marketing bonanza too good to pass up

 

Mike Moustakos 3B 2 years $8M AAV - more Scottie B marketing wizardry, he purchases a warehouse full of Minnesota Moose jerseys and has Mike sign them all for fun...oh and profit

 

Carlos Gomez CF 1 year $2M - GoGo returns another player inspired by the Mauer send off and the chance to beat Gardy's Tiggers 19 times a year...Over/Under on falling down while swinging out of his arse set at 324 (that's twice a game for those mathematically challenged)

 

Bryce Harper RF However many years it takes $30M AAV (just to prove Scottie wrong I'd go to $40M AAV if needed) - RiverBrian loves Harper's willingness to learn 1B providing more opportunity for BS (Baldelli/Shelton) to create a different lineup for every game of the year...out-thinking the outside the box Opener/Stackers by only announcing 5 of the days starters and batting Harper 6th most games to match up with the the "First Sipper" (creative thinking name BS came up with for what usually happens after the Opener is used)

 

Matt Holiday DH 1 year $3M - this signing again showing Falvine's creativity in doing everything they can to return the second Twin to us Minnesotans...Levine quoted at Holiday's signing "Derek and I were taking a break at the MOA watching a movie together and it just came to both of us...It's a Jolly Holiday with Matty"

 

Adrian Beltre 3B 1 year $12M - "We didn't want GoGo to feel out of place falling down while swinging so we saw an opportunity to bring in some veteran leadership in this area" quipped Falvey at the 8th straight free agent signing presser

 

Gio Gonzalez P 2 years $12M AAV - first reaction to this was not good...but Levine quickly admitted "we had it from a good source that this was the missing Twin...turns out MarTwin has a twin sister"

 

Matt Harvey P 2 years $11M AAV - turns out Bill Pohlad was next in line to direct "The Dark Knight Rises"...brother Jim thought it would be poetic justice to add Harvey for an equally successful sequel...Scottie B see's nothing but $$$ with this pairing

 

Jeremy Hellickson P 1 year $8M - the first Tampa Tie-in for Rocco "Jeremy knows what we're looking for...now if he can only pitch like he did back then"

 

Yusei Kikuchi P 5 years $7M AAV - internal strife over past success, or lack thereof, in the Asian market makes this the riskiest venture to date for the Wonder Twin (all plural Twin references were removed as part of the Harper Deal), Scottie B quips at signing presser "Yousei goodbye...I say Hello, to another fantastic Twin signing"

 

Zach Britton P 3 years $11M AAV - 

Greg Holland P 2 years $7.5M AAV - Scottie B made this a Twin deal, insisting "...in order to get Britton you have to sign Holland, They're not Twin brothers but they make a great pair of relievers...or at least they did at one time, they can do it again"

 

TRADES

Josh Bell 1B from PIT for Tyler Austin and Alan Busenitz - trading one guy who swings and misses a lot along with a guy who can't get a swing and miss is addition by subtraction...Scottie B guarantees Josh really is a descendent of Cool Papa...not to be confused with Papa John

 

Addison Russel SS from CUBS for Byron Buxton - this is totally a change of scenery move for two guys with polar opposite issues...one plays infield and the other the outfield...shame on you for those of you who thought it was about their ability to get on base

 

Billy McKinney LF from TOR for Jimmy Butler - Falvey was honing his front office skills by reading "Was There Ever Even One Shining Moment? - The History of the Timberwolves" and he thought he was trading for the former T-Wolves Director or Player Personnel. He also wanted to help Thibs out of his current situation by moving Butler...it was also a thank you to Thibs for making Falvey look like a rockstar

 

Jurickson Profar UT from TEX for Jorge Polanco - Levine quoted at yet another presser "JP is going to be hard to replace but we believe that JP has been what we've been looking for in a middle infielder, I know JP pretty well from our time together and we will be getting the best of JP"

 

James Paxton P from SEA for Max Kepler and Steven Gonsalves - Scottie B says "James hasn't been the same since the eagle incident, he heard Minnesota was known as a hunting state and James wants his revenge"

 

Tony Watson P from SF for Eddie Rosario - "we were certain we'd found the other Twin of minor leaguer Tyler and Rosario is out of options so we took a chance" a perplexed Levine to reporters gathered at another presser...this one was more like a de-presser

 

Brad Boxberger P from ARZ for Ehire Adrianza - another Tampa Tie-in with Rocco "Box-of-burgers knows what we're looking for from a reliever...now if he can only pitch like he did back then". Eduador Escobar quoted "I thought I got far enough away from that guy"

 

Josh Fields P from LAD for Addison Reed and Trevor Hildenberger - Falvey at this presser had to admit "This one was for spite...Scottie B poked fun at us an removed our "s" so we made this move to get that "s" back" in a related announcement all home games will now be played at Target Fields

 

Zach Davies P from MIL for Kyle Gibson and Adalberto Mejia - at what hopefully/mercilessly is the final presser of the off season Levine reveals "we were really close to landing an established #1 starter from the NL West but that fell through, so, we quickly shifted to another Zach and because we already had the paperwork halfway completed we were able to beat the market to land another extra "s" which will come in handy later this year"

 

Here's how the 25-man roster shakes out

 

C - Maldonado

1B - Bell

2B - MarTwin

3B - Moustakas

SS - Russel

LF - McKinney

CF - GoGo

RF - Harper

DH - Holiday

 

BENCH - Wieters

BENCH - Beltre

BENCH - Profar

BENCH - Kirilloff - It's amazing how fast Scottie B was able to get him to the Show after he signed with him

 

SP - Gonzalez, Gio  

SP - Harvey, Matt

SP - Hellickson

SP - Paxton

SP - Kikuchi, Yusei

 

CLOSER - Britton

RP - Holland

RP - Rosenthal

RP - Watson

RP - Boxberger

RP - Fields

RP - Davies

 

Possible LineUp LH Starter

(In no particular order)

Bell

6th player

MarTwin

8th player

McKinney

9th player

GoGo

Maldonado

7th player

 

Possible LineUp RH Starter

(In no particular order)

Bell

9th player

MarTwin

8th player

McKinney

7th player

GoGo

Wieters

6th player

 

 

TOTAL 2019 PAYROLL:  $176.5M

 

In case you haven't figured it out yet...all players represented by Scottie B

 

How's that for competing?

 

[70charger]

This one was fun.

[tarheeltwinsfan]

Funny stuff.Hope Boras reads this.

[nicksaviking]

I hope everyone who stopped reading at Matt Wieters and came down to the comments to criticize can take a moment to re-evaluate the excellent exercise that was performed here.

[Doomtints]

This isn't actually out of line dollarwise.

 

As for Boras's joke ... it wasn't so bad. Attendance at Target Field isn't good enough, and it's the Twins' fault.

[tvagle]

 

Funny stuff.Hope Boras reads this.

 

Anyone have an email address I'd be glad to send it to him

[dgwills]

LOL. This would ruin the Twins, but everybody will watch a train wreck.