Twins Video
DENIAL (Twins fans on Monday): “They’re not really going to stand pat. They’re playing the long game. Those guys know what they’re doing, and they have a plan. They know there are holes to fill, they know the money is there to fill them, and they’ll improve what is already a playoff team into something truly formidable. We just have to be a little bit patient, that’s all.”
ANGER (Twins fans right this minute): “WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. They didn’t sign anyone?!? We got a backup catcher and a guy who can’t pitch until May WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. I’m going to walk around the block a couple times. Everyone is getting better except for us. No. I refuse to accept this. I’m going to write an angry tweet and/or Facebook post. Punctuation and grammar will not be faithfully observed. WTFFFFFFFFFFFF.”
BARGAINING (Twins fans next week): “I don’t understand. I thought they’d land at least one of the marquee pitchers. You thought so too, right? It made all the sense in the world. I have a whiteboard in the garage that lays out all the options quite nicely. I bet if they just looked at it and I laid out how the years and money make sense they’d realize they need to do something. My buddy Hans does math stuff for them, I bet if I sent him an email, he could let Falvey and Levine know, and they’d come over and we could talk about it. I could order pizza. I wonder what toppings they’d like. I’ll ask Hans.”
DEPRESSION (Twins fans from roughly Christmas-New Year’s Day): “Welp. Guess that’s what happens when you’re the dumbest guy in Idiot Town. I knew they wouldn’t do anything and I still told myself they would. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can’t wait for a DoorDash driver to start the wild card game next year. If we even get that far. So dumb. Hate everything. Gonna just drive around the interstate for a while, not really going anywhere. Idiot.”
ACCEPTANCE (Twins fans from roughly Jan. 2-pitchers & catchers reporting): “These contracts really are ridiculous. I suppose they’re going to see how the trade market looks and make their move then. I wouldn’t have given (bananas contract from, like, the Padres or Diamondbacks) to Tanner Roark either. Honestly after (whatever horrific way in which the Vikings season ended and/or the sheer hammering ferocity of the latest winter storm) I’m just glad baseball is back soon. Go Twins!”







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