Hello, fellow humans! My name is William Malone IV. Son of William Malone III. And I come with great news! The Minnesota Twins played a spring training baseball game against the Boston Red Sox today. Sure, they lost. But all it means is that we are one day closer to regular season contests.

But while we wait for the Opening Day game against the St. Louis Cardinals, it's time to take a walk down memory lane and look at some old Opening Day lineup cards. There are a lot of household names! You'll see a lot of Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. But you'll also see a lot of very random names as well. And that's what this blog post is all about. Here is a lineup of the most random Opening Day starters for the Minnesota Twins at every position this century (since 2000).

C - Matt LeCroy (2000 vs. Tampa Bay)
This was the Major League debut for LeCroy, who was seen as one of baseball's best catching prospects. Baseball America ranked LeCroy as the league's 44th best prospect ahead of 2000, and there was only one catcher among the 43 players placed ahead of LeCroy; Rockies prospect Ben Petrick. LeCroy went 1-for-3 while batting eighth in an 7-0 loss against Tampa Bay. He was sandwiched between Jacque Jones and Torii Hunter in the lineup. It was the only Opening Day start for LeCroy at catcher, who was the Twins designed hitter in game one of the 2003 and 2004 campaigns.

1B - Chris Parmelee (2012 at Baltimore)
Parmelee was coming off an epic run as a September call-up in 2011. He slashed .355/.443/.592 across 21 games for the Twins the year prior, and the club immediately penciled him into their 2012 plans. He was starting at first base over incumbent Justin Morneau, who had begun the transition to a DH role. Parmelee went 1-for-4 in a 4-2 loss against the Baltimore Orioles on Opening Day, and he ultimately wasn't able to recapture that September call-up magic. Morneau had his first base job back a few weeks later, and Parmelee was playing in Triple-A.

2B - Nick Gordon (2023 at Kansas City)
This was only two years ago, but some fans might have forgotten that Nick Gordon was an Opening Day starter for the Twins in 2023. Nobody really knew what their exact plans were at second base after trading Luis Arraez in the off-season. Gordon went 0-for-2 before getting lifted for Kyle Farmer as part of a clutch pinch hitting barrage. Farmer drew a walk while pinch hitting for Gordon in the sixth. Donovan Solano delivered an RBI single later in the inning while pinch hitting for Joey Gallo, and the Twins won 2-0.

3B - Tony Batista (2006 at Toronto)
After spending 2005 in Japan, former All-Star Tony Batista made a return to the big leagues with the Minnesota Twins in 2006. His season got off to a great start when he homered off Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay, but that's about as good as it got for Batista. He was DFA'd in June, making way for Nick Punto to become the everyday third baseman. Batista did play for the Washington Nationals in 2007, retiring after the season.

SS - Andrelton Simmons (2022 at Milwaukee)
Opening Day in 2022 was a weird introduction to the Andrelton Simmons experience. He had two hits and drew a walk at the plate, also committing an error in the field. This was the exact opposite of what anyone would expect. Simmons is regarded as one of the best defensive shortstops of all-time, but his offense was always lacking. The two hit performance was not a sign of things to come for Simmons, who wound up struggling at the plate during his lone season with the club.

LF - Luis Arraez (2022 at Milwaukee)
Yes, Luis Arraez was the Twins left fielder on Opening Day in 2022. But only on a technicality. Josh Donaldson strained his hamstring while legging out a double in the top of the first. This moved Arraez to third base and slid Jake Cave off the bench into left field before the Twins ever played defense. This was his final career appearance as an outfielder. Arraez became the regular third baseman while Donaldson was on the injured list, and then wound up playing a ton of first base later on that season.

CF - Jordan Schafer (2015 at Detroit)
Hardcore fans who don't quit on lost seasons will always remember how great Schafer was down the stretch in 2014. After getting claimed on waivers in August, he posted a .345 OBP and stole 15 bags over 41 games with the club. This gave the 28-year old journeyman a role heading into 2015, but the leash was short. Byron Buxton, Eddie Rosario and Max Kepler were three minor league center fielders who were all banging on the big league door. Aaron Hicks was still with the Twins as well. Schafer struggled out of the gate, and was gone by the second week of May.

RF - Miguel Sano (2016 at Baltimore)
Max Kepler has started in right field for the Twins on Opening Day in eight consecutive seasons. While it looks like Matt Wallner will be taking his place in 2025, it was Miguel Sano patrolling right field back in 2016. Sano went 0-for-4 with two strikeout and three putouts during an Opening Day loss to the Orioles in 2016. His defense out there was awful as the season went along, but Sano did post a solid .864 OPS in 159 plate appearances as a right fielder.

DH - Take your pick
The full list is awesome! Butch Husky (2000), David Ortiz (2001-02), Matt LeCroy (2003-04), Lew Ford (2005), Rondell White (2006), Jeff Cirillo (2007), Craig Monroe (2008), Jason Kubel (2009-11), Justin Morneau (2012), Ryan Doumit (2013), Chris Colabello (2014), Kennys Vargas (2015), ByungHo Park (2016), Robbie Grossman (2017), Logan Morrison (2018), Nelson Cruz (2019-20), no DH used in NL park (2021), Gary Sanchez (2022), Bryon Buxton (2023) and Manuel Margot (2024). Honestly, a lot of teams will have a DH list that looks exactly like this. There aren't as many full time or career designated hitters as fans might think. 

P - Vance Worley (2013 vs. Detroit)
You can make some sort of argument that Minnesota "won" the Ben Revere trade based on what Trevor May did. Revere had a sub-.700 OPS with -10 defensive runs saved during his three seasons with the Phillies. But plugging in Vance Worley as an Opening Day starter was just a bad look. Worley got hit hard on Opening Day, and things did not get better after that.