Dave The Dastardly

I'm all for experimenting. There's always room for improvement no matter what you're doing and the only way to find improvements is through experimenting. Some experiments will fail, some will fail miserably and some might actually turn out to be revolutionary. And obviously the least risky times for experimentation is when you've sucked big time at what you're doing for a long time. You know, like the Twins. It ain't like you can get rottener (I think I made that word up - kinda experimenting with my vocab) when you're already among the worst at what you're doing. So bring on those experiments. Just have the brains to figure out which ones are improvements and which ones are failures and the balls (little play on words there since we're talking baseball) to change things accordingly.

Just read Reiter's Top 50 Free Agents list on SI. He lists free agents current team and suggested "best" new team to sign with. Didn't notice one player with the Twins listed as that player's best option. I might've missed somebody because I scanned through it pretty quickly. Not that I necessarily want the Twins to try and sign any of these guys, but what the hey? Nobody's best option is the Twinkies?

Rocco Baldelli, you have come asking a favor you know we can’t refuse at this time. This is understandable for you, a paisano. Ambition is often a good thing. But your own territory when you have no experience? This is much to ask. How do we know you are capable of managing this territory in a profitable manner? There will be much competition you understand. Other managers will try to muscle in on your territory, some of your own men will prove unable to stand against them, your own lieutenants, as ambitious as yourself, might scheme against you. We have to know, how will you handle these matters? Will we find these other competitors swimming with the fishes? Or will they own your territory in a year’s time? If one of your lieutenants gives in to entreaties from another manager, will you release him or invite him for a ride down to the river bottoms in the front seat of your car while you ride behind him with a piece of piano wire? If one of your men proves unable to perform up to expectations will you continue to reward him with a prominent role in your organization even though a younger, perhaps better man, awaits his own chance? These are key questions for a man making a request such as yours. And if we grant you this favor, will we need to hide in Sicily for a year or two if any of these bad things should come to pass? The olives are good but the nightlife... well, you don’t want to take a car so there’s a lot of walking involved. We will need to visit with our consiglieri before we can approve your favor. But since we’ve already acquired a horse’s head ( 7th place in a $2,000 claiming race) for his bed, we think he’ll not refuse our offer. Congratulations The Twin Godfathers

I agree with everything but your math.

None of the people reported to be on the internal or external lists are blowing up my kilt. Looks like another yawner and another extension of the 20-year rebuilding plan to me. Think I'll stock up on paint. I hear its pretty exciting watching it dry.

What the Twins need at this point in time is a young (relatively speaking) manager, who relates well to young players, but isn't afraid to get in their face when they keep making the same mistakes over and over and who has a track record (credibility) as both a manager and as a professional ball player. Some guy who can light fires when they need lighting and douse flames when they don't. A big plus? Well known in Minnesota. I see three options; Dougie, D Hocking and Jesus Christ. The big question; who will come down from the Mount? Uh, I mean mound.

I actually played the bass guitar once upon a lifetime or two ago. G&L 1000. Still have it. Somewhere...

MISNOMER (I Think I May Have Dated Her In College) What kind of name is "Athletics" for a sports team? I mean isn’t every player in the major leagues an athlete? Oakland could’ve just as well named their team the Ipso Factos. No, that’s not a swear word. For one thing, it’s two words. For another, there’s six letters in Facto. All good cuss words are limited to four letters. That’s in the Bible. Ergo and theretofore (I thought I’d go with the lawyer lingo just to make sure no one knows what I’m talking about) Ipso Facto is a non-offensive non sequitur. Sort of like the Twins. Anybody remember Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? The movie, not the real Butch and Sundance. ‘Cause, you know, you’d have to be really, really old to make that claim. Anyway, in the movie, Butch and Sundance keep trying to ditch the Pinkertons that were chasing them, and failing to do so, kept asking each other, “Who are those guys?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kbTbg00AJU That’s today’s Twins: “Who are those guys?” Maybe that’s the reason behind the mystery nickname T-shirts. But are our guys “athletics”? Well, isn’t that the $64,000 Dollar Question? (That’s another “old” thing - a TV show way back when two bucks could get you in the ballpark). Although in today’s baseball world $64,000 barely amounts to meal money. So let’s crank that up to $64 million. Which isn’t enough to buy you a Kirk Cousins, but it is enough to maybe get you a whole baseball team of rookies... which we don’t seem to have either. So here’s the thread I want to pull; why don’t we just bench all the “pros” ‘cause we know what we have in them and bring up every decent prospect we have in the minor leagues and give them priority playing time the rest of the year in the Bigs? Find out how close they are to contributing. Or not. Call it Fall Training. Everything to gain and nothing to lose in my estimation. I mean it ain’t like we’re in contention or anything. Throw in a few promotional gimmicks like free beer after every Twins homerun smacked by a rookie, half price hot dogs for triples, $1.00 nachos for doubles, etc. etc. Hell, maybe even carry a game or two on a local TV station... you know, sort of introduce the rookies to the fans and remind everybody else we actually have a major league baseball team in the state. Just in case they forgot. Or are trying to forget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHjilVXiTZw Okay, okay. I’m putting down the Jameson. Got a chicken to throw on the grill anyway... soon as I catch him. He’s not very athletic but he runs away as soon as he sees me. I think it’s my Hungry Eyes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MN9Khh_K2s Coughing Up Fastballs, Curve Balls and Hair Balls Today For the Twinksters: Smelly Jake Odorizzi 5-7 4.55 ERA For the "A's" (actually more like "B's") Shifty Sean Manaea 11-9 3.70 ERA

Can someone send me some of that stuff ya'll are smoking 'cause I'd sure like to believe the Twins will be World Series contenders in 2019, too. I'm with stringer bell, I'm too old to wait for another lengthy Twins rebuild. Been doing that for almost 30 years now. If the Head Umpire had asked the Twins instead of Noah to build the Ark we'd all be shark poop on the bottom of the ocean.

They all walked into Henny Youngman's bar together. Bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but I don't want to find any foreign substance on your beer mugs when you leave."

Name five players the Twins traded away for prospects?

Let me tell you about chemistry. I flunked high school chemistry, then earned an A in college chemistry. The difference? An undisciplined, unorganized high school instructor forced to teach a subject she knew little about versus a well-educated, inspirational, fun-loving college instructor. Chemistry starts at the top.

You mean the Russians are broadcasting it?

That could be a telling statement regarding the Twins pen in general. Regardless, I thought Belisle was signed for his "leadership". I've been looking for that stat up on the scoreboard but can't seem to find it. Maybe it's in the box scores?

Everybody keep your bags packed. Oh, and don't take any Twins equipment with you. We're cutting the budget next year.

I had two loogies once, but one good sneeze took care of both of 'em.

"Sano had a large hole in his swing, namely on the inner-third of the plate." Is it a donut-hole? 15 pounds for a 300 lb man. That's what? 5% of his body weight? Could've knocked that much off just by cutting back on beer. Not impressed. My wife can knock off 5% of her weight in a week's time just by eating salads. And she goes around 118 pounds soaking wet with a... swimsuit on.

Never could understand the excitement over accumulating prospects. I always thought the number of major league wins was more important than the number of "prospects" we can garner in a trade. Of course if the Twins horizon is out in some galaxy far, far away...

The Twins have been rebuilding since 1991. In that same time period my last two kids graduated from high school, all four graduated from college, five grandchildren and two great-grandkids came into this world, I went through three dogs, a mini-van, an Oldsmobile Cutlass, two Chevy pickups and retired. I'm running out of patience. But I'm not negative. I'm positive I'll be watching man land on Mars before I see another Twins team in the World series.

I think they'll bring him up for leadership.

This Twins Fan Ain't Satisfied. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrIPxlFzDi0 Flavey and Levine. The pair in the Front Office. Although they both can’t be in there because there’s usually only one front office otherwise it wouldn’t be in front of the other offices. But let’s just say there’s two front offices and no back office. Which of course will make it hard to make a deal because the best deals are always made secretively; in the Back Office. Maybe they got a hallway they can use for cutting a deal. Hell, use the executive bath room if you have to, just make a deal. And not just a deal, a deal-deal. It’s time to stop being cute, time to stop trying to prove you can find a gem in other teams’ junk just because you read a book on analytics. In short, it’s time for the pair of you to grow a pair; swing for the damn fences! Do or Die! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcXpKiY2MXE Bite the bullet. Give Molitor and the hitting coach a train ticket to Clarksville. Molly’s got a MOY Award and a nice three year contract to help him ease into retirement. He’ll probably thank you for it. Now get a manager with fire in his eyes and a proven track record for getting the most out of young players. Pick up the phone and call the Tigers. Throw yourselves at their feet. Everybody knows you’re desperate anyway. Just look at the standings. Look at the batting averages if you have the stomach for it. So put all pretenses aside. Tell the Tigers Front Office up front, preferably while they’re in their Back Office waiting to make a deal, that you want Dougie back. Tell them they can have anybody off the major league club but Berrios, Romero, Rosario, Escobar, Pressley and Hildenberger in trade. Make that two anybodies. Tell them they can have three current Twins if they throw Brian Harper in on the deal to be the new Twins hitting coach. Hell, tell the Tigers they can have six Twins off the major league club if they take Goodman, Wilson and LoMo off your hands. Maybe even throw in Sano if you have to. If they can find him down there in Single A. Just make the deal. Then once you get ink on paper, steal your wives’ lipstick and start kissing Dougie’s... whatever. Throw yourselves at his feet, confess your idiocy. Admit you were getting all uppity, trying to prove your high-and-mighty analytic smartness when you dismissed Dougie, forgetting that the best “analytic” for a manager is how many games he wins, not how he wins them. Offer him a three-year contract equal to whatever the highest paid manager in the Bigs is getting. Throw in a few incentives; use of the Pohlad’s private jet so he can fly home on off-days to see his family, tell him he can select whatever minor league players he wants for the Twins roster no questions asked, no moaning about starting the clock, or losing options or any of that happy equine fecal matter that makes front office type sound smart but keeps talent down on the farm until they’re old enough to retire. And promise, carve it in a big frigging stone on Twins Plaza, you will not in any way shape or form claim major league cast-offs off the waiver wire, or screw around with Rule Five sucker bait or in anyway add any players to the 40-man or 25-man roster without Dougie’s prior approval. Then stay out of Dougie’s way and let him build us a winning team. You can get in the team photo when he wins the Division. And when the Twins are in the World Series and the TV cameras are on the owner/front office box, you can nod wisely and knowingly when the announcers pronounce you geniuses. So swallow your pride and make the deal. What have you got to lose? Your last ten fans?

I don't get it. I thought he was in rehab.

Had to make some kind of move. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFRVegQZ_r0

You're a dentist, right?

Depends on your motive and who you're inviting over for dinner. I have an old manual here that says you should "clean-burn" the crud off. Just fire the grill up, set it on high and go to a Twins game. When you come back in an hour or so the grill will be spotless. But if you leave the grill in your garage when you do this, you'll have to dig the grill out from the rubble. Don't ask how I know this.