Dave The Dastardly

Holy balls, Bat Man!

I call it being inciteful. That makes me an inciter. I was an exciter in my younger days. The difference is I used to make trouble whereas now I just cause trouble. So go ahead, ride one of them horses! We've got a few hours before game time.

I knew a shameless plug once. It was back during my horse-training days, a half dozen lifetimes ago. This young twenty-something chick came to my stable with this gray mare for breeding. The mare, not the young chick. And the “breeder” was my quarter-horse stallion, not me. Anyway, given the TD game thread clientele I thought I’d better clear that stuff up right away. Back to the story. In order to prevent injuries to my stallion, some mares don’t take kindly to getting bred, I used a breeding harness on mares. Nothing scientific or cruel, just a series of leather straps with pulleys and ropes that prevent mares from kicking when a stud horse is in flagrante delicto and various key elements of the breeding process are greatly exposed. Again back to the story. Anyway the young chick watched the entire process and went away mad as hell. She called me several weeks later and told me she would never come for breeding again; talking about the mare again, not the young chick. Being a charming sort, I managed to settle her down and wrest her objection from her. She replied, “My mare never had a chance!” Fifty years later I sometimes still lay awake nights wondering what it was she thought that shameless old plug of hers needed a chance to do. Interesting side note: the average riding horse generates 47 pounds of manure per day. Not sure how much the above average horse generates. Anyway, I haven’t shoveled any manure for the last forty years or so. At least not until I discovered TD Game Threads. Talk about heavy lifting...

You sure he wasn't shot buy a guy who couldn't read either Latin or Greek? I know that would drive me nuts if the President only wrote stuff I couldn't understand. Wait a minute...

It's gotta be a brain confusion thing. That's what my wife calls it. I write (actually print) with whatever hand I happen to pick up a pen with. Drove my elementary teachers nuts. They finally forced me to chose one hand and stick with it. Didn't make any difference. My penmanshipmanship was still illegible. Good thing they invented computers. Switch hitter (still talking baseball here), throw with either hand, shoot baskets with either hand, pick my nose with either hand. That might be too much information. Bit of a sticky wicket that.

I can identify. I'm ambidextrous. I can't write legibly in any language with either hand.

Ubi est villa, agricola? Took me two years of Latin to learn that phrase. Fifty years to remember it. Wo wirst du heute Abend sein? Pick up line my dad, a WW II combat veteran, learned in occupied Germany. He passed it along to me and my brothers in case we ever ran into a pretty fraulein. It's always good to be prepared. Base-a-balla. Italian for our favorite sport. I guess I'm multi-lingual. I can even speak Minnesotan. Uffda!

What do baseball fans do when their team gets snowed out? Interesting question. So I thought in the interest of banishing boredom, I’d postulate some... possibilities. 1) Pick up a shovel and head down to the stadium. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ’em. Just don’t lick the seats. And be sure and take along some cash just in case the team has slashed beer prices in half. 2) Paint your balls black. I’m talking baseballs here. Just thought I’d clear that up before somebody goes too far. Anyway, take said black baseballs out on the back deck, along with your favorite Nellie Fox bat, and try knocking linedrives through your neighbor’s windows. Take along some cash just in case you succeed and your neighbor doesn’t find broken windows in the middle of a blizzard humorous. 3) Go on U tube and watch your team’s last World Series win. This could prove to be a step way back in time so brace yourself for some strange looking fans. They may not be totally decked out in team paraphernalia (I had a phernalia once, just never had a pair), their billfolds won’t be empty and they’ll be posing with Wally the Beerman instead of players. They may or may not be intelligible. 4) Oh, and the same pitcher might still be on the mound in the 9th, or later, innings. I know, weird, but what the hell did anyone know about true baseball back then? And don’t expect to get circled. On the screen I mean. Getting circled by empty beer cans is okay. 5) Wax philosophical on TD. I tried buying some philosophical wax down at the auto store once. My request went way over their heads so don’t bother going there if you don’t know no philosophy. In that case you’re better off sounding like an idiot anyway. Idiots, I’ve discovered over the years, have some pretty interesting theories. Like when this undiscovered planet is going to appear out of nowhere and crash into the Earth next week ending life as we know it. Which considering the weather wouldn’t be all bad. Unless of course you have season tickets. 6) If you’re really, really bored, tackle the top half dozen items on your Honey-Do List. Maybe if you do, your honey will. Reminds me of that old Beatles tune; Honey Don’t. Ringo Starr did the vocals. I don’t think he was married. So there you have it, so have at it. Let’s hear your Alternative Uses of Cancelled Game Time. Winner gets his ticket punched.

I dated Dolly Lama back in the 60's. She wasn't much to look at but she was pretty laid back.

Got no problems with the White Sox. Used to wear them all the time in high school. The Yankees now, that's a whole 'nother story. The arm on my Detest-o-Meter goes right through the Bete Noire reading when anyone within 40 feet even mentions the Yankees under their breath. I especially despised and detested the media's fascination with Derek Jeter. No matter if the Damn Yankees were winning or losing any time somebody in the stadium farted six cameras would scope out Jeter so we could witness his reaction. JFC!

Did they pepper you with questions?

You mean to work?

Was Bones a mortician?

How's that speeding up the game thing working out? I think I'm caught in a worm hole...

I sat on a changeup once. Fortunately it was a three-finger job.

Tonight's Line-ups Twins Dozier .286 Mauer .375 Sano .258 Escobar .375 Grossman .100 Morrison . 043 Garver .125 Buxton .161 LaMarre .667 Astros Springer .182 Bregman .175 Altuve .357 Correa .333 Reddick .346 Gonzalez .200 McCann .364 Davis .111 Marisnick .179

You sure you don't mean irritation?

Spoil sport! I like my version better. Has a certain... savoir faire. Rule Number Two for Writing Game Threads: Fanciful beats facts every time. Well, okay. Most of the time. It's a matter of knowing your audience; the High and Mighty. High as in a different sense than lofty, Mighty as in quick-witted but slow-of-foot. Or do I have that last one backwards?

WHAT'S IN A NAME? I asked for a chance to do a game thread for Houston. Actually I begged for a chance to do a thread for the Houston Astros. On second thought, “begged” might be too strong a word. “Whined until the Powers-That-Be-Surrendered” is probably more accurate. Which might also define a certain request, oft repeated, that I’ve made of my dear wife over the past thirty odd years. Anyway, my reason for wanting to thread the Houston needle (had to try and sneak that past you) was because despite the yuge amount of knowledge I’ve acquired over the years since my son graduated from high school, I’ve never been able to figure out just what an “Astro” is. So I thought I’d have a go at it. I know what a Pirate is, as I proved last week, and a Giant, a Dodger (guy who avoids the military draft) a Damn Yankee and what Sox are, though I’ve never owned any red ones. The same goes for Mariners, Angels, Padres ( I did time in a Catholic school - still feel guilty about it), Reds (what we used to call Communists), Phillies (steak and cheese sandwiches), Rays (a drop of golden sun), Marlins (BFF), Orioles, Cardinals (the guys in those funny red hats who get to vote for Popes), Indians (both kinds), Tigers, Blue Jays, Royals (though you have to go to England for that - I’ve never been there either, but I kind of like the Beatles), Cubs, Brewers, Braves, Rockies (Sylvester Stallone’s gym shoes) and Diamondbacks (what you ask for after your fiancee dumps you). I even have a vague understanding of what a National might be (a guy who used to work at a National T grocery store) and a Met... well, I think that’s some sort of commuter train. But what on this side of the universe is an Astro? The dog on the Jetsons? But would anybody actually name a team after a dog? I don’t believe so. Unless of course it was a rich dog and he bought the naming rights. Talk about a whoof... So what I was suspecting is that “Astro” is a reference to those stubby little vans Chevy used to make. How, pray tell, you ask with raised eyebrows, do I dare offer such a connection? I admit unashamedly (mostly because I don’t have any shame) that the raison d’etre for said tenuous connection between a baseball team and Chevy vans stems from a step back in time. One recent evening while reminiscing the golden days of yore I was listening to old tunes on YouTube when I stumbled (yeah, you don’t have to say it, I stumble a lot) across this video and I had my answer! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFnkCIwGwiA So there's the connection, in their younger days these Houston guys scored as much in Chevy vans as they do now in the ballpark. Which, if you think about it, also connects with my opening paragraph regarding begging, but which also begs (couldn’t resist) a few more questions; what if these guys grew up borrowing their parents Chrysler vans? Would they now be called the Mini-vans? Or what if their parents drove compact cars? Would that make them the Contortionists? Now there’s a good name for a baseball team. Has a certain twist to it... The origin of Houston’s team name aside, as long as we’re not going to be playing on their turf (God I love puns!) I think the Twins have a chance to kick Houston’s Ass...tros tonight. So enjoy the game. Me, I’m going down to the Chevy dealer. Gonna trade the Tahoe in for a Chevy van... Because, you know, despite what anyone tells you, the Bird Ain’t The Word, Mum has the Word! Throwing snowballs from atop the iceberg tonight: For the Twins: Jake “The Jammer” Odorizzi 2.61 ERA 0-0 1.16 WHIP For the Chevy Vans: Dallas “Cowboy” Keuchel 3.27 ERA 0-1 1.55 WHIP

AC 78 in summer, furnace 73 in winter, 68 at night. But we also have a woodstove (I own some woods) and we usually fire it up for Viking games and evening TV watching. 80 degrees lends itself well to wine drinking on cold winter days. Probably be cheaper to skip the wine and put a few more degrees on the thermostat, but it wouldn't be as much fun.

I snagged a hot liner once in 35 degree temps. Didn't know I broke my hand until the game was over. So I guess it only hurts when you cry.

I was a genius once. Had to give it up when I got married.

I see Lynn is coming in with an 11.25 ERA, Verlander at 2.31. I know, it's early in the season, but considering the weather I'm wondering if there will be an iceberg on the mound for the Twins tonight. That would make the game more of a Titanic crash than a clash of Titans. Cue Dandy Don Meredith...

I've never seen a hirsute bald eagle before. It's amazing what TD has done for my education. Game threads should be required reading for all high school seniors.

First rule of negotiations; you never accept the first offer put on the table. First offers from both sides merely set the parameters for an eventual deal. Negotiation is about ARRIVING at a fair deal.