Twins Trade Candidate Breakdown: Doris From HR

5 hours ago, Lou Hennessy said:

Not every asset belonging to an MLB organization can be seen on the field. And if the Twins are serious about selling some of their contributors while their value is at its peak, they may want to see what their longtime Human Resources Manager could garner in a trade. 

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

What’s Up With Doris?
While many casual fans may not be familiar with the work of the Twins’ beloved HR Manager, Doris Martin, Twins Daily has pegged her as a prime candidate to be shopped this off-season. There are a few reasons for this rationale. First, Doris does impeccable work and is well-regarded in the HR Twittersphere. She’s been an above-average HR Manager for over two decades according to HR Savant, who rates her as the second-fastest email reply time in the league. The only everyday-regular ranked above her in this field is Walter Bennigan, that malcontent from Cleveland who has swept the Platinum Policy awards for three years running. 

Nevertheless, Doris is entering her 21st year with the Twins organization, and the club could be looking to turn the page as they head into a pivotal 2025 campaign. 

She’s entering a contract year in 2025, and will likely require an increase to her $55,000 salary if the Twins are hoping to keep her in the fold long-term. The question isn’t necessarily if they can afford to keep her through her prime years (typically between the ages of 45-52 in this field), but rather, can they really afford not to?

The Case for Trading Doris From HR
Like many of the profiles in this trade candidate series, this move would mostly be a way to drop salary while hopefully getting something in return from whoever wants to take a crack at giving Doris some playing time. The Twins have a ready-made replacement in Betty Delgado, who was recently hired by Doris herself last spring. It might take some convincing, but the rookie representative could have a real future ahead of her should she get the call to be the full-time replacement for her mentor.

"Wait a second, I was hired as an intern like five months ago. Now they want me to take over for D-Dog? I’m not sure about that,” Delgado said hesitantly. “I’m literally still on my parents’ health insurance. I have an accounting midterm later this week.”
Doris could also potentially net a decent return if she were to be traded this winter. According to some off-the-record rumors that have been floated recently, the Twins’ President of Baseball and Business Operations (POBABO) Derek Falvey has had a few custodial prospects on his radar that could make for a balanced challenge trade. 

But Doris’ value isn’t completely positive. As great as her work has been over the last 20 years, there are a few quirks that could get in the way of the workplace chemistry for an acquiring club. In recent years, some teammates of the 46-year-old have complained about her knack for bringing leftover fish for lunch, and microwaving those suckers until they go nuclear. It has left a wicked, days-long stench each time, creating some tension between Doris and her coworkers.

“No doubt about it, we’d be sorry to see a professional like Doris leave during a crucial time for our club,” said Falvey as he typed her name into an HR Trade Generator website. “But yeah, I won’t miss her nasty lunchtime smells.”

Potential Trade Partners
Cleveland Guardians: You never like to deal assets within the division, but there might be a fit here if the Twins’ rivals lose Walter to one of the big-market powerhouses in administrative free agency. Would Falvey trade Doris and her hot pink Shape-Ups to his old stomping grounds?

New York Yankees: If the Bronx Bombers fail to reel in a frontline HR Manager in free agency, maybe they could see Doris for the experienced, kind soul she’s been since being hired in 2004. Trade talks would likely have to start with Miguel Andujar and Clint Frazier coming back to Minnesota in return. 

Perry’s Pest Control: Who says Doris needs to be traded to another ball club? Maybe the Twins could get this local exterminator to take on her salary. Word on the street is that they are very interested in her services, but are pretty occupied at the moment, as they have been booked by someone named J. Bonnes for the entire week to clean up what many are calling “The Incident” in his Downtown Minneapolis penthouse. 

Conclusion
Sure, it might make more sense for the Twins to trade from their crop of multimillionaire players if they really do hope to reduce their payroll, but don’t overlook the club’s ability to cut anyone on their organizational chart. As much as it would sting on the surface to lose Doris and her iconic birthday snickerdoodle cookies, the Twins have a readyish replacement waiting in the wings. No matter what ends up happening, Falvey has shown that he’s more than ready to make this type of blockbuster when needed. 

“‘Honestly, I’m pretty ready to move on from Martin. Doesn’t really make us better anywhere, hasn’t really made the most of the chance they were given, and all that hair is just terrible,” Falvey said, taking some reporters aback with his harsh honesty. “Oh, DORIS Martin. Yeah, I would definitely miss her. Great worker. Awesome snickerdoodles.”

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What do you think? Should the Twins shop Doris From HR this winter? What would be an adequate return? What other off-field contributors do you see the Twins floating out there. Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet. 
 

 

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