Hater Shelves ‘Byron Suxton’ Tweet Until Next Slump

In the wreckage of Minnesota’s 10-4 humbling at the hands of the Boston Red Sox on Tuesday, one glimmer of hope shone through: Byron Buxton ended an epic slump with a long home run. The succeeding games have seen Buxton continue that tear, belting two more home runs and a double as the Twins clawed their way back to .500.

And for longtime hater Elliot Herbst, it could not have come at a worse time.

“I had a ‘More like Byron Suxton’ tweet locked and loaded for Wednesday,” said the 23-year-old Maple Grove native, who goes by “PrimeBalazovic” on Twitter. “Then he goes and carries the offense for a couple games. Sick to death about it.”

Herbst, a senior at UW-Stout, has demanded the Twins do the following things to Buxton during the last two weeks:

• DFA him
• Trade him for a bullpen car
• Send him to hell
• Put him in a Supermax prison
• Send him to Mars
• Drop him into an active volcano with Emilio Pagan and The Golden State Killer

“I just feel very passionately that Buxton’s slumps are intolerable when he’s strictly a DH,” said Herbst. “Does that passion sometimes lead me to be what some would call a ‘hater?’ I guess so.”

Buxton became the first player in ten seasons to hit two home runs of over 460 feet in the same game Thursday afternoon, a 6-0 shutout of the Red Sox. Herbst unsuccessfully tried to take it in stride.

“Everyone was sharing clips of the home runs on social and all my group chats were roasting the [expletive] out of me,” said the hater. “I laughed it off but by the end of the day I was steamed, bro. I’m not done being angry about the slump.”

Herbst says he plans to keep the Suxton tweet in his drafts for the time being.

“He’s a streaky player, so I know I’ll get the chance to drop this eventually," said Herbst. "I just have to be patient. I know I have it in me to do so. Part of maturing is knowing that there's always tomorrow.

"That said, I’m still mad and way too online for my own good, don’t get wrong.”