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  • Glenwood Man Readies Self For Next Bad Trade

    RandBalls Stu

    What fresh hell awaits suffering Twins fans? The waiting is the hardest part for this Central Minnesota man.

    Image courtesy of © Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

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    With the trade deadline looming, the Minnesota Twins are acknowledged sellers. And for Benjamin Mason, the awful dread of which future former Twin will become an All-Star in 2023 is consuming his every waking moment.

    “I’m resigned to Jose Berrios winning the Cy Young next year for someone else,” said Mason, a Glenwood native and licensed pre-owned pontoon dealer. “But it’s the one you don’t see coming that’s going to hurt more. Who is the Akil Baddoo or LaMonte Wade that we’re going to throw in for three pitching prospects who tear the ulnar nerve in their throwing elbows all at once? That’s the one that keeps me up at night.”

    With a pitching staff in desperate need of, well, everything, Mason is mentally readying himself for the unforeseen kick in the shins that has tormented Twins fans for generations.

    “My grandpa remembers the Graig Nettles deal,” said Mason. “I think the Rod Carew trade is what finally did him in. My dad quit watching baseball after David Ortiz won a World Series and mom left because he wouldn’t stop swearing to himself in the garage. I was minding my own business on Tuesday night, watching the All-Star Game, and there’s Liam Hendriks and Kyle Gibson. It’s the circle of life and you know what, I hate it.”

    While Mason agrees that the team must do something, the fact that everyone knows they’re a seller probably impacts any potential return.

    “We’re not going to get Wander Franco from the Rays,” said Mason. “We’re going to get his roommate. And the Rays will get our 38th best prospect, who will enter Cooperstown in 2047 after leading Tampa to seven straight titles in front of 259 delirious fans at Tropicana Field. He’ll have his own breakfast cereal, videogame, and talk show. I hate baseball, I really do.”






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    We have to be careful with our words.  Since this article was published, Mason has been committed at Regina Memorial Hospital in Hastings after writing a particularly concerning letter to his neighbor concerning the Twins bumper sticker on his Ford Escort and leading the police on a long chase through the city and suburbs.

    Reports say that Mason was incoherent and kept saying "Handball!  Handball!" but I think we know what he was really saying.

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    This would be hilarious if only it weren't true.  I hate to admit it, but I have been a Twins fan since 1986.  I am likely one of the only Twins fans in Kentucky.  I have tried to follow other teams in recent years and I have been unable to change.  There is something about this never ending trainwreck that I can't look away from.   No matter who the team leadership is, they still come to the same conclusion:. " Yes.  Yes!  We can win with retread pitchers!  It will WORK!  I know these guys were really pretty average for other teams but by golly we will turn them around!"

    It will be very sad to see Buxton win an MVP somewhere else when he can finally put together a full season.

     I follow Kentucky basketball.  Have my whole life.   Excluding last year of course as they were completely awful, winning is the only acceptable outcome.  If they don't win, people are very upset.  Heck they have nothing else to do!  Haha. 

    It always feels like when the Twins lose, the attitude seems to be, "well we had fun this season.  Maybe next year. " This makes me crazy.  Local twins fans deserve better and should be a lot more vocal about the need to field a winning team.  Dont go to games, raise a stink about the manager, and general manager.  Whatever it takes. For the record, winning is not defined as making the playoffs. Winning is actually winning the World Series more than once every 3 or 4 decades.

    Please Twins front office, play to be the best. Don't play to be pretty good.   Don't just hire people who are from the area because they are from the area.  Don't invite ex twins to spring training that are totally washed up (i.e. Jason Kubel and many others).   Stepping off my soapbox now.

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