Twins Mailbag with Zeb, An Old-Timey Gold Rush Prospector

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Library of Congress/Public Domain

Zebadiah ‘Zeb” Grundy is an old-timey gold rush prospector from the American Old West. He took some time yesterday to answer your questions about Twins baseball. Answers have been edited for clarity and to remove cultural references that would be considered “almost supernaturally racist” to modern sensibilities.

Q: What is the deal with the Twins’ pitching staff’s fielding troubles? Have you ever seen anything like this? –Owen S., Maplewood

A: GOOOOLLLLLLLD! It’s gold, I tells ya! This is my ticket to the sweet life! No more consarned hardtack and beans, it’ll be steaks and whiskey for me from now on. Just me, my lady, and my horse, watchin’ the sun set from our outdoor washtub.

The sample size is small, which just exacerbates the issue, but it seems unlikely that they’ll continue making so many unforced errors. It’s astonishing.

Q: Do you think Royce Lewis will be an offensive force when he returns to the lineup, or will his late-season struggles from 2024 continue? –John B., Minneapolis

A: WRASSLE-FRASSLE! FOOL’S GOLD! I tells ya, there’s nothin’ that breaks my heart more. Ya spends yer day panning by the riverbank, ya thinks ya strikes it rich, and then it’s nothin’ but a mirage. I’ll be wearin’ a barrel in the poorhouse the rest of me days!

I think you have to wait and see with Royce. That was the first actual slump of his career. Plus he’s missed so much of this season already. I’d love to think he’ll be an immediate difference-maker, but I just don’t know. I do know that’s one less Quadruple-A guy in the starting lineup every day, which by itself is an improvement.

Q: Do you think Rocco Baldelli’s job is in jeopardy? –Brea B., Chaska

A: YEEEEHAWWWWWWW! GOLD! IT’S THE MOTHERLODE! I’M RICH! See you all in the funny pages, I’m on the first train to San Francisco!

The screenwriter William Goldman once wrote, “Nobody knows anything.” Which is true. But I do know that if they continue to struggle against opponents who aren’t the White Sox or Angels, someone’s getting the hook. And the owners never fire themselves.

Q: Gut instinct: Does this team have the talent to turn things around? –Nick T., Eagan

A: NOOOOOOOOOOO! ANOTHER BUST! I’M DEAD BROKE! My last pair of dungarees is in tatters. Got no place to lay m'head. Soon I’ll be just another tommyknocker haunting those fool enough to follow in me cursed footsteps.

The pitching seems solid, but this lineup is mostly underperforming or hurt. Maybe if they get healthy in a hurry, it’ll happen. But (Matt) Wallner and (Luke) Keaschall are a month or two away, Lewis and Castro still aren’t back, and, well, it gets late early.

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[Rod Carews Birthday]

I think you missed the opportunity to use the phrase "What in tarnation!?" but you hit on some really good ones.  Keep on panning out there.

[terrydactyls]

I was part of the 1849 gold rush and I strongly object to your stereotyping of those hard-working explorers.  I mean, gosh darn it to heck, some of us had fourth grade edumications.  

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 5/2/2025 at 8:13 AM, RandBalls Stu said:

And the owners never fire themselves.

Apparently they are trying to, if the rumors of a possible sale aren't grossly exaggerated. But they are waiting for there to be enough unemployment for them to collect...

 

And welcome back, stu! You were definitely missed even we never admit at what we were aiming.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

I got faith in this team!

Real money is in the satire.