Lou Hennessy

It is the first organization-wide grooming policy to go into effect, and almost certainly the last. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics The Twins are taking fashion advice from one of their newest additions, and establishing their very first uniform directive that requires everyone in the organization to grow a mustache. After a scorching start to his Twins’ career over the last few weeks of spring training, Mickey Gasper has inspired club decision-makers to put this requirement into effect in an effort to boost the performance of the rest of the roster. “He forced our hands with this. After seeing Gasper’s performance on the field, and more importantly, how tough he looked out there with that 80-grade flavor saver, we really had no other option,” said Twins POBABO Derek Falvey while rubbing some bee’s wax on the tips of his newly grown whiskers. “I can’t say for sure if the mustache is the true reason for his excellent play recently, but damn it, I’m going to find out.” To his credit, Gasper has dazzled in his first impression as a Twin, hitting .323 with a superb .903 OPS this spring. Even better, he’s strolled into the clubhouse each morning looking like Tom Selleck while blasting Springsteen on a boombox. That’s caught the eye of countless middle-aged dads that are employed by the club, including multiple prominent front office representatives. While some players have already sported some mustache variations at different points in their career, others are in for a challenge when growing a suitable nose neighbor. Players like Jose Miranda, Griffin Jax and Louis Varland have all been clean-shaven so far in their respective careers. “I just pray that I don’t look like Kip from the movie Napoleon Dynamite when this thing comes in,” said Varland as he traced his upper lip with a Just For Men applicator. “It doesn’t matter how well you perform if you look like you shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of a school zone.” It’s still unknown what sort of punishment will be rolled out for anyone that fails to comply with this new rule. Some have suggested a cash fine commensurate with their contract, others have insisted on old-school hazing as the good lord intended. But it’s especially problematic for the many incredibly talented and hard-working female identifying employees that make up a sizable portion of the organization. “Yeah, we’re heard the gripes from our female colleagues saying that this is unfair, and frankly a pretty dumb idea,” explained Falvey while stroking his freshly grown face furniture. “But look, we’ve seen them step up for our team before and I know they can do it again. Just look what it’s done for my guy Mickey Pushbroom.” View full article

A document was leaked to Twins Daily outlining the ideas that failed to make the cut for the upcoming Twins TV experience. The club refused to comment on the legitimacy of the list, and insisted that any information pertaining to the new avenue of watching Twins baseball (such as how fans will actually be able to tune into games) is highly classified. “Fire Manager” Button - With this feature, angry fans would have had the opportunity to hit a button calling for the immediate dismissal of manager Rocco Baldelli. Of course, this action would have led pessimistic, old-head buffoons to a dead end, which essentially happens whenever they Tweet out their opinions, anyway. Joe Ryan Live Cam - This mode would have allowed for a picture-in-picture with a live camera feed of the Twins’ starter throughout the entirety of each game, even the ones he wasn’t starting. “You know how some zoos will have a baby eagle live cam for kindergarten classes and depressed loners to watch at any point of the day?” said an unnamed Twins official. “It would have been like that, but instead of seeing a little birdie opening its eyes for the first time, you see little Joey dousing himself with baby powder on the bench.” Betting Lines Sponsored By 1-800-GAMBLER - The Twins are still trying to determine to what extent they display betting odds for their broadcasts, but it certainly won’t be sponsored by the National Problem Gambling Helpline, as suggested in this leak. Are you or a loved one struggling with a gambling addiction? Call 1-800-GAMBLER to get the assistance you can bet on. Countdown to Pitcher and Catcher Report Day for Spring Training - For the doomers in the audience, this running countdown would show how much time until pitchers and catchers report to spring training for next season, since this season is clearly over before it started. Blogger Backup - This feature would have had a random Twins Daily writer (likely named Cody) pop up for live reactions and an argument for how that last Royce Lewis strikeout was actually a good thing. Spreadsheets would be faxed to all households with data to back up their terrible argument. Bert Blyleven Audio Commentary - This idea was squarely rejected right off the bat, with a Twins spokesperson releasing the following statement on its snubbing: “Just, no. Trust us, you don’t want to hear the noises coming from that man’s body anymore.” Bonnes Vision - This feature would have allowed viewers to view the game through the eyes of Twins Daily’s own John Bonnes, with all the beauty and elegance that he experiences whilst visiting Target Field. The only catch is that the quality of that vision deteriorates throughout the course of the game as he downs more and more brews. “We promised no more blackouts, but let’s just say that the Bonnes Vision would have had the potential to get pretty damn close, depending on the score of the game, how busy the Grey Duck Deck was, or if John was doing a 9x9x9 challenge on a particular night.” View full article

The popular writer for MLB.com transitioned to a new job (and astral plane) this offseason. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Clue: The eerie presence of this two-time Jeopardy! loser has been felt by multiple members of the Twins’ beat over the last week. Answer: Who is Do-Hyoung Park? This year marks the first spring training in nearly a decade wherein Park isn’t covering the club, but some of his former peers are adamant that they still feel his spirit lurking in the depths of Lee County Sports Complex, the home of the Twins (and, as spillover due to overpopulation in the Tampa metro, the souls of the unfulfilled) for roughly seven weeks each year. “It was weird, I was taking a grainy video of Joe Ryan throwing his first bullpen session last week, and my phone turned white hot,” said Betsy Helfand of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, as she bottled a few ounces of holy water from a local church. “It fell to the ground, and when I picked it up I could have sworn I saw Do’s face in the reflection on the screen.” Later in the week, Royce Lewis was taking batting practice when he clobbered a ball to the top of the berm in left field for a long home run. As it landed, everyone on the field heard the same voice whisper in their ears simultaneously: “Guess what the swing speed on that one was. . .” Later in the evening, members of the media went to Fort Myers Brewing for their annual trivia outing. Park was notorious for his incredible trivia prowess (did you know he was on Jeopardy!, back when network TV was still a thing?), so this was always a big event for him to show off in front of the other media jackals. When the crew couldn’t figure out the answer to a mid-round question in this instance, another unexplained event occurred to the suddenly paranoid media members. “The question was ‘John F Kennedy was a notable dropout of this university in 1940’ and I guess none of us could come up with Stanford University as the answer,” said Phil Miller of the Minnesota Star-Tribune, as he put the finishing touches on his homemade dream catcher. “When it went unanswered, my Hazy IPA suddenly transformed into what appeared to be boiling blood. I still finished it, but cripes.” Park, of course, was a proud Stanford alumnus. The reflection in Helfand’s phone could have been a simple mistake on a hot afternoon. The whispers after the Lewis bomb were a weird development, but they're hard to conclusively characterize. But the boiling blood at the unanswered Stanford trivia question points directly to a supernatural phenomenon, the likes of which haven’t been seen in these parts since Pat Reusse spilled his Diet Coke on a local sacred burial ground in 2011. “Look, it was hard enough to get Do to take a hint and leave us over the winter. I’m not ready to start seeing him, or his specter, just yet,” said Twins Daily’s John Bonnes, before landing a perfect kickflip while wearing his new Vans slip-ins. “And if he's going to try scaring someone off, he should be up in Minneapolis, doing it to Gleeman.” View full article

With spring training now fully underway, the young righty is rebranding himself for the second time this week. Image courtesy of © Jovanny Hernandez / Milwaukee Journal Sentinel / USA TODAY NETWORK The pitcher formerly known as Louie—then (briefly) Louis—Varland is changing his name yet again. But instead of going by another variation of his birth name, or a middle name, or even a nickname, the 27-year-old will henceforth be known as “🝄” Varland. You read that right. Just like his boyhood idol, Prince, Varland’s new moniker is a symbol. “I guess I just want to enter camp as a new man,” said Varland. “Changing the last letter just didn’t cut it for me. I found myself following the same patterns as I did way back when I was Louie. So instead of switching up another letter or two, I changed the language completely.” That led Varland to this moniker, which looks alien to many at first glance, but is still pronounced “LOO-ee” just like his previous iterations. It is still being determined if he’ll have to miss any time in camp while he waits in line at the DMV to change his name legally. “If I’m being honest, I don’t love when people who call themselves professionals have quirky, untraditional first names,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “But I really don’t care what he calls himself as long as he keeps pumping upper-90s heat.” The Twins’ marketing department is already hard at work, as they try to showcase the first-ever MLB player to legally change their name to a symbol. They have completed a few mockups of customized jersey giveaways, and are in the process of designing a mow pattern for the Target Field grounds crew to use on days when Varland is set to take the mound. There’s been plenty of speculation that the St. Paul native will move to the bullpen full-time, but the Twins are known for doing anything to extend a bit for as long as they can. So how did Varland determine which design to use for a new symbol? “The “?” stood out to me, partly because it kind of looks like an “L” or a “V” if you look hard enough,” Varland said, as he hastily posted a homemade nameplate atop his locker. “I know that it’s actually the alchemical symbol for BORAX-3, but I like that it kinda looks like someone giving a little thumbs up.” While making such a drastic change to one’s identity at this stage of their career is a risky move, it's easy to see the potential benefits. After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously with a name like Louie. View full article

The longtime owners are cleaning out their office as they prepare for an eventual sale of the club. That allowed the Twins’ top decision makers to see how much they could shake out of their old furniture. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Twins POBABO Derek Falvey didn’t think he would have a cent to spend on the 2025 roster, at least one that went above their roughly $130 million payroll last season. But all that changed when he had the brilliant idea to shake out some of the outgoing furniture cushions that belonged to his bosses. “I saw Joe directing some of his assistants to move one of his couches to the curb in front of Target Field, and I had a flashback to my childhood in Massachusetts,” Falvey said before smashing open his son’s piggy bank. “I used to check my parents’ couch for loose change so that I could go get my daily Dunkin’. So I felt pretty wicked smart trying it again last week.” Lo and behold, the club’s president was rewarded with enough money that had fallen into the depths of that old Chesterfield that he was able to make a few moves along the margins. First, the club signed old friend Danny Coulombe to a one-year deal worth $3 million. Then they reeled in outfielder Harrison Bader to a one-year, $6.25 million guarantee. Then, just yesterday, the club signed first baseman Ty France to another one-year pact. All in all, the club found enough “walking around money” to spend almost $10 million more than they had originally anticipated (for now, at least). “It was really nice of the Pohlad family to bang a U-ey and let us stretch that budget as long as I found the money myself,” Falvey said. “When I saw that couch going out to the curb, I just knew I had to call hosie on whatever cash they left in it.” Sure, the club could decide to trade off one of their veterans that are currently set to make a sizable salary, such as Christian Vazquez, Chris Paddack or Willi Castro. But if Falvey can keep finding cash that was previously cast away, there’s no telling how much more they could add. “Maybe he’ll let me try some of the crevices between the seats of his car,” Falvey said with the elation of a child after an ice cream social. “I hear Alex Bregman is still on the market. Don’t tempt me with a good time.” View full article

With the Japanese phenom selecting the Los Angeles Dodgers as his next club, one Twins blogger was left with a superfluous, yet hilarious, bit of custom team merch. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics It was always a longshot for Minnesota to become the new home for 23-year-old phenom Roki Sasaki, but a local Twins blogger is now feeling the full weight of yet another dream lost to the dreaded Los Angeles Dodgers. The premier international free agent announced his new club last weekend, and proceeded to agree to terms shortly after. Not only was Sasaki highly sought after for his combination of raw talent and prime years remaining, but he is only going to cost his new team $6.5 million in international spending money. This would have been a way for small market clubs to sidestep any tricky payroll considerations that would naturally hinder their ability to afford other star caliber free agents. Enter the Minnesota Twins and their least likeable local blogger. “I really thought they’d have a chance to get Roki based on his price tag, but I guess even he was too expensive for those penny-grabbing sons of - - - “ shouted Greggory Masterson as he was wheeled away by a disgruntled staff person from his retirement community. “Now what am I going to do with this piece of junk?” Masterson decided to pull the trigger on a custom-made Twins City Connect jersey with Sasaki’s name donned across the back. He figured it would be a manifestation of sorts, but in reality, it ended up being a waste. If there’s any silver lining to the squandered purchase, it’s the fact that the crotchety old coot only spent about $17.51 on the practically see-through bootleg due to the jersey’s questionable source. “Sure, it’s not of the highest quality, but neither are you,” Masterson said while setting his DVR to record the Matlock marathon starting later tonight. “And the crooked letters really represent the unbalanced nature of being a Minnesota sports fan.” For the time being, the Sasaki jersey will have to sit in a collection of other jersey’s that Masterson bought too soon before ultimately regretting the purchase. This includes a classic Cliff Lee home white with pinstripes (the pinstripes are dark green), a Zack Wheeler in the baby blues (missing the underline under Twins) and the fabled Shohei Ohtani in the road grays (accidentally spelled Minnesota across the chest). Eventually, he will be forced to return these chintzy uniforms in return for a small portion of his dignity. The real question is, has Masterson finally learned his lesson? “Don’t get it twisted, I already have my eyes on a Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. jersey in the Twin Cities cream design for next offseason,” Masterson said before taking his dentures out as he laid down for bed at 7:30 PM. “Sorry I have a dreamer’s heart.” View full article

While known for having a forward-thinking and highly analytical front office, the club will decide their next lineup fixture in the holiest of traditions. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics As the calendar flipped to 2025, the Minnesota Twins still found themselves without a true heir to their first base position. But by the sacred covenant brought forth by the player development cardinals in the 17th Olympiad, the team will make its official selection via a 72-hour conclave, where members of the team’s baseball operations department and selected guests will shut themselves off from the outside world for three days, or until one of the nominees gets a majority of their votes to become the successor as cornerman. “Are we saying this position is as important as his holiness, the Pope?” questioned cardinal Derek Falvey as he laid out his traditional POBABO garments on his bed like a giddy schoolboy on the night before the first day of school. “No, we’re not saying that, but we’re also not not saying that.” Of course, the first base position is a vital piece to a competitive team, both on the field and in the lineup. The club was treated to mostly stellar production on both ends when it came to their last selection, Carlos Santana, who led the team in home runs while winning his first career Gold Glove award. But the respected veteran suffered from two mortal sins that made him illegitimate to return to his post for another tenure - he’s old and he actually likes going to Cleveland. So without another surprise outside addition to the list of nominees, the current options are as follows. Jose Miranda - known for his many mission trips to St. Paul since debuting in 2022, Miranda is the betting favorite to secure the majority of votes this time around. Will his prayers of finding consistent production over a full season finally be answered? Edouard Julien - a recent convert to the position, the Twins could hope to rekindle the flame that made him an exciting prospect and breakout star in 2023. His major knocks happen to be his abysmal performance in his second year in the MLB seminary, and the fact that he is Canadian (but not the cool kind of Canadian like Justin Morneau or Alex Trebek). Mike Ford - while he does have considerable experience in the role, especially compared to the other contenders, he has been transferred out of six different clubhouse congregations for unspecified reasons. That should raise a pretty big red flag for these cardinals, who desperately need to avoid any potential controversy with this selection. Mickey Gasper - a late addition to the mix, Brother Gasper finds himself at the mercy of Twins Territory after going 0-23 to start his career in front of the Fenway Park Faithful. Truly, this man is used to seeing people at their lowest. Can that connection resonate with the presiding clergy of stat nerds? So now the group of analysts, special assistants, evaluators, scouts and former first baseman must make their pilgrimage to Target Field, where they will be locked away from the outside world for 72 hours while they deliberate. “I remember Brother Harmon berating me for hours before I was ultimately selected back in ‘82,” said cardinal Kent Hrbek as he adjusted his personalized Twins-branded zucchetto atop his graying head. “These kids have it easy. Brother Rodney would slap my knuckles with a yardstick if I was late for one of these things.” If the ministry of selectors is able to make a worthy selection in that time, plumes of white smoke will billow from the Budweiser Roof Deck, and the team will raise a banner declaring “Viva Il Papi” - roughly translated to “long live the next Big Papi” in reverence of David Ortiz. What do you think? Who should the ministry select to be the Twins' starting first baseman going forward? What did you think of the movie CONCLAVE? Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet. View full article

He sees you when you're Tweeting, and he knows which players rake. The Twins' beat writers are visited by a familiar friend on the night before Christmas. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics ‘Twas the night before Christmas, And across Target Field, Came a winter storm roarin’, With snow th't wouldn't yield. And up in the press box, Slept a gaggle of scribes, Who had dozed off awaiting A holiday prize. They had all heard the legend Of the jolliest fellow, Who would leave them great gifts While their heads were a-pillow. But it wasn't Kris Kringle, Or Saint Nick we bespeak, 'Twas the merry John Bonnes, Whom they call Santa Geek. If you’ve been a good writer, Put in effort and time, The big man will make sure Christmas is sublime. And here he comes now, With a sack full of goodies, Blackstack Brewing sixers And SotaStick hoodies. He's a new Pearl Jam record For Disco Dan Hayes, And for Phil Miller, a keg, With Hazy IPAs. He makes sure Bobby Jr. Isn’t trying to peek, While he leaves him a Patreon sub To Gleeman and the Geek. He got Betsy a parka And a dog that won’t bark, And a shirt reading “Yes, I was on Jeopardy!!” For (who is?) Do-Hyoung Park. And lest we forget, That ol’ Grinch Aaron Gleeman. John leaves him a fancy new toy, While he’s dreamin’. Because Papa Gleems has been Perfectly nice, The Geek leaves him a neck fan. That dispenses fried rice. And while Sweet Lou is not actually Part of the beat, Santa Geek was still nice enough To leave him a treat. John leaves him his favorite, Thirty majestic blue cans. A sight for sore eyes: It’s a fresh rack of Hamm’s. As he leaves for the night, The Geek cracks a beer, Looks back at his friends, And warbles out “Cheers!” He gulps down the tall boy, Then turns out the light. “Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!” View full article

While many were relieved to hear the Twins downplay the possibility of trading away their best and most expensive player, the local beat cyborg was left in a frantic, spark-filled rage. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Rumors surrounding a possible trade of superstar shortstop Carlos Correa made their way back into orbit last week, putting many fans into a worried frenzy. For Takebot-3000, the abomination created by Twitter/X to get as many clicks as possible on Twins-related topics, it was a supercharged opportunity to shine. But when Twins officials, along with multiple beat reporters (real ones), insisted that Correa remains firmly in their plans, the automaton began to short circuit due to angst and confusion. “But - But - But the Pohlads. . .” said Takebot-3000 as sparks began flying out of his neck. “The Twins always trade their biggest contracts to bigger markets. . . Error. . . Error…” It should be stated, the Twins made it clear that they reserve the right to explore trades for anyone on their roster. That doesn’t mean they are actively trying to move on from the likes of cornerstones such as Correa, Pablo Lopez or even Royce Lewis. But a trade involving any of their superstars would need to come with a return package that includes high-end talent that helps them remain competitive in 2025 and clears significant salary from the books. But Takebot-3000’s biggest weakness is nuance, and this new distinction was too much for his frail circuit board to handle. “Ownership is kneecapping this team,” the cyborg spurted monotonically while typing his latest clickbait onto a word document on his phone. “Correa is as good as gone as long as the Po-Po-Pohlads are in charge. What is love?” Takebot-3000 wasn’t always this way. He was part of an experiment in the mid-aughts to expand team coverage on an independent level. But a freak accident turned him into the monster we see today. “Yeah, I’m not exactly sure what happened to him. He used to be a pretty well-rounded voice, but I think the power of an active audience got to him,” said a former colleague who knew him before he went rogue this year. “At least we have the boot-lickers over at Twins Daily to keep fans in check when T-3000 fires off another round into the crowd.” It remains unclear what access Takebot-3000 has to the Twins, if any beyond the incessant contact attempts over social media. He still fires off articles with insight that suggests inside knowledge, but the club has done everything possible to distance themselves. “We try to be as transparent as possible, but we have two clear directives as to who gets media access at our events, one of which is no robots fueled by disdain from their peers and likes on the internet,” said a team spokesperson. “The other is nobody named Greggory.” So with a Correa trade looking unlikely unless the offer is too good to be true, Takebot-3000 will need to upgrade his software before the world inevitably evolves beyond a need for his incessant insight. “Other teams don’t have trash owners that cry - cry - cry poor after signing one significant contract,” said Takebot-3000 as the light began dimming from his eyes, powering him down for a much-needed reboot. “You, sir, raaaaaaaa- - -” What do you think? Do you agree with Takebot-3000? Let us know what you think in the comments and as always, keep it sweet. View full article

The Twins’ President of Baseball and Business Operations (POBABO) has the tough assignment of trying to improve his ballclub while sticking to the financial limitations set by the team’s ownership. But now, it looks even harder, as a scheduling snafu has left him flustered, flabbergasted and flummoxed by his first ever tardy. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics A shaggy, disheveled Derek Falvey sprinted through the lobby of the Hilton Anatole Hotel in Dallas late on Monday morning, leaving many attendees at the baseball’s biggest offseason attraction to come to the same conclusion: The Twins’ top decision-maker forgot which day the MLB Winter Meetings were to begin. “It was very odd to see Derek trudging into the meetings with his shirt untucked like that,” said MLB Insider Jon Heyman. “And was he wearing mismatched shoes?” Falvey has always been known as an organized, thoughtful and timely executive who prepares for these crucial meetings as much as anyone else in the game. But since the departure of his longtime front office partner, former general manager Thad Levine, things just haven’t been the same for the Twins’ top shot-caller. “I gotta come clean, Thad usually handled my scheduling for these things and I’m still working through some growing pains since he left,” Falvey said as he buzzed an electric razor across his scruffy face in the hotel lobby restroom. “And honestly, I haven’t been sleeping well without Thad’s signature hot cocoa and bedtime stories routine. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.” This year’s Winter Meetings could be quite consequential for his ballclub, as the Twins will need to address a currently unbalanced payroll situation while shuffling the deck enough to avoid another brutal late-season collapse. Witnesses say Falvey tripped over a trash can on his way into the main ballroom, sending sheets of documents soaring to the floor around him. They say these documents had titles ranging from “No fastball? No problem!” to “Should the Twins sign Miguel Sano?” Falvey then gathered his scattered pages and looked at the stunned attendees around him. “Mondays, am I right?” he shouted nervously, as he shrugged his shoulders, then sprinted out of sight. Shortly afterward, he addressed the local contingent of media members in the Twins’ war room. He was wearing a new set of clothes, and while they weren’t a wrinkled mess like the duds he rolled in with, they were clearly his casual attire stuffed into his bag haphazardly and with little thought. “Sorry everyone, I haven’t had my coffee today,” Falvey said as he donned an XXXL Spider-Man T-shirt that was clearly meant to be a pajama top. “But trust me, everything is under control.” Just then, his briefcase fell to the ground and sprung open, but there was nothing inside, save a couple of pens and a live moth that proceeded to flutter away. Nevertheless, the Twins’ president wanted to talk shop, whether he was ready for it or not. One by one, reporters brought up notable topics such as free agent targets, possible trade chips and the rest of the winter meeting events planned for the next few days. “Free agency? Yeah yeah yeah we’re totally keeping up-to-date with everything. You know I’ll be the first to know when, uh, what’s-his-name signs,” he said while snapping his fingers to jog his memory. “Solo! I’m very tuned-in to the Juan Solo sweepstakes.” When one of the media members notified him that Juan Soto had agreed to a historic $765 million contract with the New York Mets the night before, Falvey blushed and quickly changed the topic. “Look, I know our payroll has been a hot topic recently, but let me assure you that Joe and the Pohlad family have given me the green light to proceed how I see fit,” Falvey said while patting each of his pockets. “Well, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I left my phone at home.” View full article

They weren't invited, actually. There's only so much room at the table this year.

It's been a long year for the hometown nine, but the Twins still have plenty to be thankful for. Let's take a look at what each member was tasked with bringing for their big get-together. Image courtesy of Stephanie Clifford, Sous-Vide Guy, © Charles LeClaire-Imagn Images Thanksgiving is a time to get together, share a meal, and thank the high heavens for all of your wins over the last year. All 82 of 'em. While many would rather see this team go hungry after an epic late-season collapse and an already too-quiet off-season, Twins Daily just wants everyone on the club to relax and enjoy their holiday with their true family: the endless horde of internet trolls. Here's the rundown of what each member of the Twins brought to their Thanksgiving feast. Rocco Baldelli - Turkey breast (white meat only) “As a father to three beautiful young children, I’m used to eating my dinner straight from the pot, over the sink like an animal. I’m just happy to eat something that isn’t macaroni and cheese shaped like Baby Yoda,” said Rocco with the dead-eyed exhaustion of a coal miner. “And I’ll take all the tryptophan you got. I haven’t slept in months.” Carlos Correa - Turkey Legs He’s no stranger to preparing legs for the big game. These puppies have been massaged for hours before going into the oven. Don’t mind the little steel plate attached to one of the bones. Joe Ryan - Tofurkey “Hey man, you do you, but I’m sticking with the gluten-free, congealed goodness that reminds me of home by the Bay,” said the California native as he shook out the sand from his shaggy hair. “And I really mean to emphasize sticking there. About 30% of this thing is gum-based.” Griffin Jax - Nasty Sliders “I don’t know, by my second year in the big leagues they told me they only wanted my sliders,” said Jax. “I kept telling my mom ‘Let me take care of the bird’ but she kept shaking me off.” Jhoan Durán - Spicy Deviled Eggs. They’re still hot as hell, but they used to pack more of a punch when he first came up. Still really good, but more people seem to be flocking toward Jax’s sliders this year. Royce Lewis - Beverages. “A lot of people have been saying all I do is wine,” said Lewis as he carried in a couple coolers of assorted drinks. “But that’s not true! I know a lot about plenty of drinks.” Matt Wallner - Mashed Potatoes This guy mashes everything. Edouard Julien - a gallon of Maple syrup. “Oui Oui, you cannot have mashed potatoes without a hearty slathering of God's nectar from the True North,” said Julien before tying his pet moose to a nearby post. “Sacre bleu, Thanksgiving was in Octobre, anyway.” Louie Varland - Sweet Potatoes Lou’s tried this dish out as an appetizer for the last few years, but it never seems to come out as good as we all hoped. This year he’s just going to bite the bullet and make it into an elite late-meal dessert option in the form of Sweet Potato Pie. Bert Blyleven - Beans Trust us, you don’t want whatever Bert is bringing. And if he tells you to pull his finger, just run. Walker Jenkins - Napkins C’mon, he’s just a baby. He’s only doing this because we want him to feel like he’s contributing. He still has to sit at the kid’s table with Rocco’s ankle-biters. Who are we missing from this list? Let us know in the comments, and from everyone at Twins Daily, we wish you a very sweet holiday. View full article

Who?

Not every asset belonging to an MLB organization can be seen on the field. And if the Twins are serious about selling some of their contributors while their value is at its peak, they may want to see what their longtime Human Resources Manager could garner in a trade. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics What’s Up With Doris? While many casual fans may not be familiar with the work of the Twins’ beloved HR Manager, Doris Martin, Twins Daily has pegged her as a prime candidate to be shopped this off-season. There are a few reasons for this rationale. First, Doris does impeccable work and is well-regarded in the HR Twittersphere. She’s been an above-average HR Manager for over two decades according to HR Savant, who rates her as the second-fastest email reply time in the league. The only everyday-regular ranked above her in this field is Walter Bennigan, that malcontent from Cleveland who has swept the Platinum Policy awards for three years running. Nevertheless, Doris is entering her 21st year with the Twins organization, and the club could be looking to turn the page as they head into a pivotal 2025 campaign. She’s entering a contract year in 2025, and will likely require an increase to her $55,000 salary if the Twins are hoping to keep her in the fold long-term. The question isn’t necessarily if they can afford to keep her through her prime years (typically between the ages of 45-52 in this field), but rather, can they really afford not to? The Case for Trading Doris From HR Like many of the profiles in this trade candidate series, this move would mostly be a way to drop salary while hopefully getting something in return from whoever wants to take a crack at giving Doris some playing time. The Twins have a ready-made replacement in Betty Delgado, who was recently hired by Doris herself last spring. It might take some convincing, but the rookie representative could have a real future ahead of her should she get the call to be the full-time replacement for her mentor. "Wait a second, I was hired as an intern like five months ago. Now they want me to take over for D-Dog? I’m not sure about that,” Delgado said hesitantly. “I’m literally still on my parents’ health insurance. I have an accounting midterm later this week.” Doris could also potentially net a decent return if she were to be traded this winter. According to some off-the-record rumors that have been floated recently, the Twins’ President of Baseball and Business Operations (POBABO) Derek Falvey has had a few custodial prospects on his radar that could make for a balanced challenge trade. But Doris’ value isn’t completely positive. As great as her work has been over the last 20 years, there are a few quirks that could get in the way of the workplace chemistry for an acquiring club. In recent years, some teammates of the 46-year-old have complained about her knack for bringing leftover fish for lunch, and microwaving those suckers until they go nuclear. It has left a wicked, days-long stench each time, creating some tension between Doris and her coworkers. “No doubt about it, we’d be sorry to see a professional like Doris leave during a crucial time for our club,” said Falvey as he typed her name into an HR Trade Generator website. “But yeah, I won’t miss her nasty lunchtime smells.” Potential Trade Partners Cleveland Guardians: You never like to deal assets within the division, but there might be a fit here if the Twins’ rivals lose Walter to one of the big-market powerhouses in administrative free agency. Would Falvey trade Doris and her hot pink Shape-Ups to his old stomping grounds? New York Yankees: If the Bronx Bombers fail to reel in a frontline HR Manager in free agency, maybe they could see Doris for the experienced, kind soul she’s been since being hired in 2004. Trade talks would likely have to start with Miguel Andujar and Clint Frazier coming back to Minnesota in return. Perry’s Pest Control: Who says Doris needs to be traded to another ball club? Maybe the Twins could get this local exterminator to take on her salary. Word on the street is that they are very interested in her services, but are pretty occupied at the moment, as they have been booked by someone named J. Bonnes for the entire week to clean up what many are calling “The Incident” in his Downtown Minneapolis penthouse. Conclusion Sure, it might make more sense for the Twins to trade from their crop of multimillionaire players if they really do hope to reduce their payroll, but don’t overlook the club’s ability to cut anyone on their organizational chart. As much as it would sting on the surface to lose Doris and her iconic birthday snickerdoodle cookies, the Twins have a readyish replacement waiting in the wings. No matter what ends up happening, Falvey has shown that he’s more than ready to make this type of blockbuster when needed. “‘Honestly, I’m pretty ready to move on from Martin. Doesn’t really make us better anywhere, hasn’t really made the most of the chance they were given, and all that hair is just terrible,” Falvey said, taking some reporters aback with his harsh honesty. “Oh, DORIS Martin. Yeah, I would definitely miss her. Great worker. Awesome snickerdoodles.” What do you think? Should the Twins shop Doris From HR this winter? What would be an adequate return? What other off-field contributors do you see the Twins floating out there. Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet. View full article