Lou Hennessy

The hit HBO drama has been the talk of the dugout, even in the midst of a frigid start to the 2025 campaign. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Twins hitters are hoping to get their eye back on the ball and off of their screens. In the season’s first two weeks, they’ve been incredibly distracted by new episodes of ‘The White Lotus’ on HBO, and their performance has suffered mightily. “We just aren’t getting what we want right now and it’s hampering our ability to find success,” said center fielder Byron Buxton. “But that’s life. You can’t always get what you want. It’s like in the show when Piper finds herself at a crossroads between what she wants and what she needs.” The analogy is pretty far-fetched, and it remains to be seen if the former All-Star really understood the point of the show. But Buxton’s sentiment remained clear. He and the other stalwarts of this lineup have been relatively aimless in their pursuit, stumbling to a 3-8 record in their first 11 games while ranking 29th in baseball for team OPS. And now, frustration is reaching a boiling point. “It’s really irritating. It just can’t keep going on like this. Fans deserve more than they’ve been getting,” said a defeated Ryan Jeffers. “How can HBO keep getting away with these tiny eight-episode seasons? They have plenty of content to keep the stories going and it’s not like they’re worried about sticking to a budget. What was your question again?” Twins hitters have a combined .201 batting average, and their offensive production as a whole has been roughly 33% below league average. Their at-bats have often been uncompetitive, with plenty of weak contact or called third strikes right down the middle. This suggests questions around the gameplan heading into each matchup. “We’re having a hard time reacting to what we’ve seen already,” said Carlos Correa as he booted up the MAX app on the dugout iPad. “Like, Eddy (Julien) saw some stuff about those Ratliff brothers in a recent episode that made him sick. No, like actually sick throughout the Cardinals series. Dude couldn’t stomach anything for like four days.” Not all Twins hitters are suffering the same fate so far. Outfielders Matt Wallner and Harrison Bader are off to phenomenal starts, hitting a combined .300 batting average with nine extra-base hits. Could there be a correlation? “Nah, I don’t watch anything on HBO. I’m more into ‘The Chosen’ or shows that are like ‘The Chosen,’” said Wallner with a judgmental stare across the clubhouse. “You all can keep your perverted devil show. Look where it’s gotten you so far.” So now that ‘The White Lotus’ has ended its third season (with a thrilling finale Sunday night), the team is hoping to regain their focus. They anticipate increased prep time for their hitters, and less eye strain throughout the day due to scaled-down screen time. “These guys have got to get back on track. The clock is ticking,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Not just because the rest of the division isn’t going to wait for us to catch up, but also because ‘The Last Of Us’ season two starts next week. I know some of these guys are going to have some sleepless nights because of it.” View full article

Everyone except Lou is too disgusted with this team to talk about them. Sweet Lou starts the show off as a solo act, but is later reinforced by his favorite Comrade. They talk about early impressions of the 2-5 Minnesota Twins, they play a couple rounds of 20 questions, and they rip Ol' Gregg to shreds in the first edition of Greggory Gripes (gripes about Greggory). Listen using Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-twins-off-daily-podcast/id1741266056 Listen using Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4tb78XlurcPTYYSsARdbD7 Listen using iHeartRadio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/263-the-twins-off-daily-podcas-167548600/ Listen using Pocket Casts: https://pca.st/nvclbt0w Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@twinsdaily View full article

Roughly 75% of the guest list consists of someone with the unfortunate first name, and most are currently on staff. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics With the official start to the Minnesota Twins’ 2025 season already upon us, Twins Daily’s popular Opening Day watch party event is poised to have its largest gathering ever. That is, of course, because every man named Cody in the quad-state area is planning to attend. Organizers of the event are expecting somewhere between 200-300 Codies (Codys? Codi?) to make their way to BlackStack Brewing on Thursday afternoon to watch the Twins take on the St. Louis Cardinals. “Seriously, I don’t know what was in the water in the Midwest between 1990 and 2002, but the Cody population absolutely skyrocketed,” said Twins Daily’s own John Bonnes, as he descended the stairs of his private jet. “And now they all want me to pay them to write about the Twins.” Twins Daily’s Opening Day watch party is known as an ideal habitat for these peculiar men to mingle awkwardly with each other while watching their favorite team. Other members of the audience also insist that they have a great time just the same, but it’s like the freaking Super Bowl for anyone named Cody. “I don’t see the correlation, and frankly I don’t like being put on the spot like this,” said an unspecified Cody who wished to remain nameless, and will hereby be signified with the call name Code Red due to his communist leanings. “And you’re making fun of us? Your name makes it sound like you should be a used car salesman from Toledo.” Thursday is projected to be the largest gathering of Cody-named people since the dreaded Imagine Dragons concert of 2018. And if the Twins have a relatively successful season in 2025, experts say next year's Opening Day watch party could have nearly quadruple the amount of Cody. Not only would that be a fire hazard, but it would be an affront to all that is good and holy. “You can try to stop us all you want,” said Code Red while getting a hammer and sickle tattooed under his left eye. “But eventually the site will have no choice but to be renamed to Cody Daily.” A bleak proposition, indeed. View full article

Who could ever slander Mickey Pushbroom??

It is the first organization-wide grooming policy to go into effect, and almost certainly the last. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics The Twins are taking fashion advice from one of their newest additions, and establishing their very first uniform directive that requires everyone in the organization to grow a mustache. After a scorching start to his Twins’ career over the last few weeks of spring training, Mickey Gasper has inspired club decision-makers to put this requirement into effect in an effort to boost the performance of the rest of the roster. “He forced our hands with this. After seeing Gasper’s performance on the field, and more importantly, how tough he looked out there with that 80-grade flavor saver, we really had no other option,” said Twins POBABO Derek Falvey while rubbing some bee’s wax on the tips of his newly grown whiskers. “I can’t say for sure if the mustache is the true reason for his excellent play recently, but damn it, I’m going to find out.” To his credit, Gasper has dazzled in his first impression as a Twin, hitting .323 with a superb .903 OPS this spring. Even better, he’s strolled into the clubhouse each morning looking like Tom Selleck while blasting Springsteen on a boombox. That’s caught the eye of countless middle-aged dads that are employed by the club, including multiple prominent front office representatives. While some players have already sported some mustache variations at different points in their career, others are in for a challenge when growing a suitable nose neighbor. Players like Jose Miranda, Griffin Jax and Louis Varland have all been clean-shaven so far in their respective careers. “I just pray that I don’t look like Kip from the movie Napoleon Dynamite when this thing comes in,” said Varland as he traced his upper lip with a Just For Men applicator. “It doesn’t matter how well you perform if you look like you shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of a school zone.” It’s still unknown what sort of punishment will be rolled out for anyone that fails to comply with this new rule. Some have suggested a cash fine commensurate with their contract, others have insisted on old-school hazing as the good lord intended. But it’s especially problematic for the many incredibly talented and hard-working female identifying employees that make up a sizable portion of the organization. “Yeah, we’re heard the gripes from our female colleagues saying that this is unfair, and frankly a pretty dumb idea,” explained Falvey while stroking his freshly grown face furniture. “But look, we’ve seen them step up for our team before and I know they can do it again. Just look what it’s done for my guy Mickey Pushbroom.” View full article

A document was leaked to Twins Daily outlining the ideas that failed to make the cut for the upcoming Twins TV experience. The club refused to comment on the legitimacy of the list, and insisted that any information pertaining to the new avenue of watching Twins baseball (such as how fans will actually be able to tune into games) is highly classified. “Fire Manager” Button - With this feature, angry fans would have had the opportunity to hit a button calling for the immediate dismissal of manager Rocco Baldelli. Of course, this action would have led pessimistic, old-head buffoons to a dead end, which essentially happens whenever they Tweet out their opinions, anyway. Joe Ryan Live Cam - This mode would have allowed for a picture-in-picture with a live camera feed of the Twins’ starter throughout the entirety of each game, even the ones he wasn’t starting. “You know how some zoos will have a baby eagle live cam for kindergarten classes and depressed loners to watch at any point of the day?” said an unnamed Twins official. “It would have been like that, but instead of seeing a little birdie opening its eyes for the first time, you see little Joey dousing himself with baby powder on the bench.” Betting Lines Sponsored By 1-800-GAMBLER - The Twins are still trying to determine to what extent they display betting odds for their broadcasts, but it certainly won’t be sponsored by the National Problem Gambling Helpline, as suggested in this leak. Are you or a loved one struggling with a gambling addiction? Call 1-800-GAMBLER to get the assistance you can bet on. Countdown to Pitcher and Catcher Report Day for Spring Training - For the doomers in the audience, this running countdown would show how much time until pitchers and catchers report to spring training for next season, since this season is clearly over before it started. Blogger Backup - This feature would have had a random Twins Daily writer (likely named Cody) pop up for live reactions and an argument for how that last Royce Lewis strikeout was actually a good thing. Spreadsheets would be faxed to all households with data to back up their terrible argument. Bert Blyleven Audio Commentary - This idea was squarely rejected right off the bat, with a Twins spokesperson releasing the following statement on its snubbing: “Just, no. Trust us, you don’t want to hear the noises coming from that man’s body anymore.” Bonnes Vision - This feature would have allowed viewers to view the game through the eyes of Twins Daily’s own John Bonnes, with all the beauty and elegance that he experiences whilst visiting Target Field. The only catch is that the quality of that vision deteriorates throughout the course of the game as he downs more and more brews. “We promised no more blackouts, but let’s just say that the Bonnes Vision would have had the potential to get pretty damn close, depending on the score of the game, how busy the Grey Duck Deck was, or if John was doing a 9x9x9 challenge on a particular night.” View full article

The popular writer for MLB.com transitioned to a new job (and astral plane) this offseason. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Clue: The eerie presence of this two-time Jeopardy! loser has been felt by multiple members of the Twins’ beat over the last week. Answer: Who is Do-Hyoung Park? This year marks the first spring training in nearly a decade wherein Park isn’t covering the club, but some of his former peers are adamant that they still feel his spirit lurking in the depths of Lee County Sports Complex, the home of the Twins (and, as spillover due to overpopulation in the Tampa metro, the souls of the unfulfilled) for roughly seven weeks each year. “It was weird, I was taking a grainy video of Joe Ryan throwing his first bullpen session last week, and my phone turned white hot,” said Betsy Helfand of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, as she bottled a few ounces of holy water from a local church. “It fell to the ground, and when I picked it up I could have sworn I saw Do’s face in the reflection on the screen.” Later in the week, Royce Lewis was taking batting practice when he clobbered a ball to the top of the berm in left field for a long home run. As it landed, everyone on the field heard the same voice whisper in their ears simultaneously: “Guess what the swing speed on that one was. . .” Later in the evening, members of the media went to Fort Myers Brewing for their annual trivia outing. Park was notorious for his incredible trivia prowess (did you know he was on Jeopardy!, back when network TV was still a thing?), so this was always a big event for him to show off in front of the other media jackals. When the crew couldn’t figure out the answer to a mid-round question in this instance, another unexplained event occurred to the suddenly paranoid media members. “The question was ‘John F Kennedy was a notable dropout of this university in 1940’ and I guess none of us could come up with Stanford University as the answer,” said Phil Miller of the Minnesota Star-Tribune, as he put the finishing touches on his homemade dream catcher. “When it went unanswered, my Hazy IPA suddenly transformed into what appeared to be boiling blood. I still finished it, but cripes.” Park, of course, was a proud Stanford alumnus. The reflection in Helfand’s phone could have been a simple mistake on a hot afternoon. The whispers after the Lewis bomb were a weird development, but they're hard to conclusively characterize. But the boiling blood at the unanswered Stanford trivia question points directly to a supernatural phenomenon, the likes of which haven’t been seen in these parts since Pat Reusse spilled his Diet Coke on a local sacred burial ground in 2011. “Look, it was hard enough to get Do to take a hint and leave us over the winter. I’m not ready to start seeing him, or his specter, just yet,” said Twins Daily’s John Bonnes, before landing a perfect kickflip while wearing his new Vans slip-ins. “And if he's going to try scaring someone off, he should be up in Minneapolis, doing it to Gleeman.” View full article

With spring training now fully underway, the young righty is rebranding himself for the second time this week. Image courtesy of © Jovanny Hernandez / Milwaukee Journal Sentinel / USA TODAY NETWORK The pitcher formerly known as Louie—then (briefly) Louis—Varland is changing his name yet again. But instead of going by another variation of his birth name, or a middle name, or even a nickname, the 27-year-old will henceforth be known as “🝄” Varland. You read that right. Just like his boyhood idol, Prince, Varland’s new moniker is a symbol. “I guess I just want to enter camp as a new man,” said Varland. “Changing the last letter just didn’t cut it for me. I found myself following the same patterns as I did way back when I was Louie. So instead of switching up another letter or two, I changed the language completely.” That led Varland to this moniker, which looks alien to many at first glance, but is still pronounced “LOO-ee” just like his previous iterations. It is still being determined if he’ll have to miss any time in camp while he waits in line at the DMV to change his name legally. “If I’m being honest, I don’t love when people who call themselves professionals have quirky, untraditional first names,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “But I really don’t care what he calls himself as long as he keeps pumping upper-90s heat.” The Twins’ marketing department is already hard at work, as they try to showcase the first-ever MLB player to legally change their name to a symbol. They have completed a few mockups of customized jersey giveaways, and are in the process of designing a mow pattern for the Target Field grounds crew to use on days when Varland is set to take the mound. There’s been plenty of speculation that the St. Paul native will move to the bullpen full-time, but the Twins are known for doing anything to extend a bit for as long as they can. So how did Varland determine which design to use for a new symbol? “The “?” stood out to me, partly because it kind of looks like an “L” or a “V” if you look hard enough,” Varland said, as he hastily posted a homemade nameplate atop his locker. “I know that it’s actually the alchemical symbol for BORAX-3, but I like that it kinda looks like someone giving a little thumbs up.” While making such a drastic change to one’s identity at this stage of their career is a risky move, it's easy to see the potential benefits. After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously with a name like Louie. View full article

The longtime owners are cleaning out their office as they prepare for an eventual sale of the club. That allowed the Twins’ top decision makers to see how much they could shake out of their old furniture. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Twins POBABO Derek Falvey didn’t think he would have a cent to spend on the 2025 roster, at least one that went above their roughly $130 million payroll last season. But all that changed when he had the brilliant idea to shake out some of the outgoing furniture cushions that belonged to his bosses. “I saw Joe directing some of his assistants to move one of his couches to the curb in front of Target Field, and I had a flashback to my childhood in Massachusetts,” Falvey said before smashing open his son’s piggy bank. “I used to check my parents’ couch for loose change so that I could go get my daily Dunkin’. So I felt pretty wicked smart trying it again last week.” Lo and behold, the club’s president was rewarded with enough money that had fallen into the depths of that old Chesterfield that he was able to make a few moves along the margins. First, the club signed old friend Danny Coulombe to a one-year deal worth $3 million. Then they reeled in outfielder Harrison Bader to a one-year, $6.25 million guarantee. Then, just yesterday, the club signed first baseman Ty France to another one-year pact. All in all, the club found enough “walking around money” to spend almost $10 million more than they had originally anticipated (for now, at least). “It was really nice of the Pohlad family to bang a U-ey and let us stretch that budget as long as I found the money myself,” Falvey said. “When I saw that couch going out to the curb, I just knew I had to call hosie on whatever cash they left in it.” Sure, the club could decide to trade off one of their veterans that are currently set to make a sizable salary, such as Christian Vazquez, Chris Paddack or Willi Castro. But if Falvey can keep finding cash that was previously cast away, there’s no telling how much more they could add. “Maybe he’ll let me try some of the crevices between the seats of his car,” Falvey said with the elation of a child after an ice cream social. “I hear Alex Bregman is still on the market. Don’t tempt me with a good time.” View full article

With the Japanese phenom selecting the Los Angeles Dodgers as his next club, one Twins blogger was left with a superfluous, yet hilarious, bit of custom team merch. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics It was always a longshot for Minnesota to become the new home for 23-year-old phenom Roki Sasaki, but a local Twins blogger is now feeling the full weight of yet another dream lost to the dreaded Los Angeles Dodgers. The premier international free agent announced his new club last weekend, and proceeded to agree to terms shortly after. Not only was Sasaki highly sought after for his combination of raw talent and prime years remaining, but he is only going to cost his new team $6.5 million in international spending money. This would have been a way for small market clubs to sidestep any tricky payroll considerations that would naturally hinder their ability to afford other star caliber free agents. Enter the Minnesota Twins and their least likeable local blogger. “I really thought they’d have a chance to get Roki based on his price tag, but I guess even he was too expensive for those penny-grabbing sons of - - - “ shouted Greggory Masterson as he was wheeled away by a disgruntled staff person from his retirement community. “Now what am I going to do with this piece of junk?” Masterson decided to pull the trigger on a custom-made Twins City Connect jersey with Sasaki’s name donned across the back. He figured it would be a manifestation of sorts, but in reality, it ended up being a waste. If there’s any silver lining to the squandered purchase, it’s the fact that the crotchety old coot only spent about $17.51 on the practically see-through bootleg due to the jersey’s questionable source. “Sure, it’s not of the highest quality, but neither are you,” Masterson said while setting his DVR to record the Matlock marathon starting later tonight. “And the crooked letters really represent the unbalanced nature of being a Minnesota sports fan.” For the time being, the Sasaki jersey will have to sit in a collection of other jersey’s that Masterson bought too soon before ultimately regretting the purchase. This includes a classic Cliff Lee home white with pinstripes (the pinstripes are dark green), a Zack Wheeler in the baby blues (missing the underline under Twins) and the fabled Shohei Ohtani in the road grays (accidentally spelled Minnesota across the chest). Eventually, he will be forced to return these chintzy uniforms in return for a small portion of his dignity. The real question is, has Masterson finally learned his lesson? “Don’t get it twisted, I already have my eyes on a Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. jersey in the Twin Cities cream design for next offseason,” Masterson said before taking his dentures out as he laid down for bed at 7:30 PM. “Sorry I have a dreamer’s heart.” View full article

While known for having a forward-thinking and highly analytical front office, the club will decide their next lineup fixture in the holiest of traditions. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics As the calendar flipped to 2025, the Minnesota Twins still found themselves without a true heir to their first base position. But by the sacred covenant brought forth by the player development cardinals in the 17th Olympiad, the team will make its official selection via a 72-hour conclave, where members of the team’s baseball operations department and selected guests will shut themselves off from the outside world for three days, or until one of the nominees gets a majority of their votes to become the successor as cornerman. “Are we saying this position is as important as his holiness, the Pope?” questioned cardinal Derek Falvey as he laid out his traditional POBABO garments on his bed like a giddy schoolboy on the night before the first day of school. “No, we’re not saying that, but we’re also not not saying that.” Of course, the first base position is a vital piece to a competitive team, both on the field and in the lineup. The club was treated to mostly stellar production on both ends when it came to their last selection, Carlos Santana, who led the team in home runs while winning his first career Gold Glove award. But the respected veteran suffered from two mortal sins that made him illegitimate to return to his post for another tenure - he’s old and he actually likes going to Cleveland. So without another surprise outside addition to the list of nominees, the current options are as follows. Jose Miranda - known for his many mission trips to St. Paul since debuting in 2022, Miranda is the betting favorite to secure the majority of votes this time around. Will his prayers of finding consistent production over a full season finally be answered? Edouard Julien - a recent convert to the position, the Twins could hope to rekindle the flame that made him an exciting prospect and breakout star in 2023. His major knocks happen to be his abysmal performance in his second year in the MLB seminary, and the fact that he is Canadian (but not the cool kind of Canadian like Justin Morneau or Alex Trebek). Mike Ford - while he does have considerable experience in the role, especially compared to the other contenders, he has been transferred out of six different clubhouse congregations for unspecified reasons. That should raise a pretty big red flag for these cardinals, who desperately need to avoid any potential controversy with this selection. Mickey Gasper - a late addition to the mix, Brother Gasper finds himself at the mercy of Twins Territory after going 0-23 to start his career in front of the Fenway Park Faithful. Truly, this man is used to seeing people at their lowest. Can that connection resonate with the presiding clergy of stat nerds? So now the group of analysts, special assistants, evaluators, scouts and former first baseman must make their pilgrimage to Target Field, where they will be locked away from the outside world for 72 hours while they deliberate. “I remember Brother Harmon berating me for hours before I was ultimately selected back in ‘82,” said cardinal Kent Hrbek as he adjusted his personalized Twins-branded zucchetto atop his graying head. “These kids have it easy. Brother Rodney would slap my knuckles with a yardstick if I was late for one of these things.” If the ministry of selectors is able to make a worthy selection in that time, plumes of white smoke will billow from the Budweiser Roof Deck, and the team will raise a banner declaring “Viva Il Papi” - roughly translated to “long live the next Big Papi” in reverence of David Ortiz. What do you think? Who should the ministry select to be the Twins' starting first baseman going forward? What did you think of the movie CONCLAVE? Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet. View full article

He sees you when you're Tweeting, and he knows which players rake. The Twins' beat writers are visited by a familiar friend on the night before Christmas. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics ‘Twas the night before Christmas, And across Target Field, Came a winter storm roarin’, With snow th't wouldn't yield. And up in the press box, Slept a gaggle of scribes, Who had dozed off awaiting A holiday prize. They had all heard the legend Of the jolliest fellow, Who would leave them great gifts While their heads were a-pillow. But it wasn't Kris Kringle, Or Saint Nick we bespeak, 'Twas the merry John Bonnes, Whom they call Santa Geek. If you’ve been a good writer, Put in effort and time, The big man will make sure Christmas is sublime. And here he comes now, With a sack full of goodies, Blackstack Brewing sixers And SotaStick hoodies. He's a new Pearl Jam record For Disco Dan Hayes, And for Phil Miller, a keg, With Hazy IPAs. He makes sure Bobby Jr. Isn’t trying to peek, While he leaves him a Patreon sub To Gleeman and the Geek. He got Betsy a parka And a dog that won’t bark, And a shirt reading “Yes, I was on Jeopardy!!” For (who is?) Do-Hyoung Park. And lest we forget, That ol’ Grinch Aaron Gleeman. John leaves him a fancy new toy, While he’s dreamin’. Because Papa Gleems has been Perfectly nice, The Geek leaves him a neck fan. That dispenses fried rice. And while Sweet Lou is not actually Part of the beat, Santa Geek was still nice enough To leave him a treat. John leaves him his favorite, Thirty majestic blue cans. A sight for sore eyes: It’s a fresh rack of Hamm’s. As he leaves for the night, The Geek cracks a beer, Looks back at his friends, And warbles out “Cheers!” He gulps down the tall boy, Then turns out the light. “Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!” View full article

While many were relieved to hear the Twins downplay the possibility of trading away their best and most expensive player, the local beat cyborg was left in a frantic, spark-filled rage. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Rumors surrounding a possible trade of superstar shortstop Carlos Correa made their way back into orbit last week, putting many fans into a worried frenzy. For Takebot-3000, the abomination created by Twitter/X to get as many clicks as possible on Twins-related topics, it was a supercharged opportunity to shine. But when Twins officials, along with multiple beat reporters (real ones), insisted that Correa remains firmly in their plans, the automaton began to short circuit due to angst and confusion. “But - But - But the Pohlads. . .” said Takebot-3000 as sparks began flying out of his neck. “The Twins always trade their biggest contracts to bigger markets. . . Error. . . Error…” It should be stated, the Twins made it clear that they reserve the right to explore trades for anyone on their roster. That doesn’t mean they are actively trying to move on from the likes of cornerstones such as Correa, Pablo Lopez or even Royce Lewis. But a trade involving any of their superstars would need to come with a return package that includes high-end talent that helps them remain competitive in 2025 and clears significant salary from the books. But Takebot-3000’s biggest weakness is nuance, and this new distinction was too much for his frail circuit board to handle. “Ownership is kneecapping this team,” the cyborg spurted monotonically while typing his latest clickbait onto a word document on his phone. “Correa is as good as gone as long as the Po-Po-Pohlads are in charge. What is love?” Takebot-3000 wasn’t always this way. He was part of an experiment in the mid-aughts to expand team coverage on an independent level. But a freak accident turned him into the monster we see today. “Yeah, I’m not exactly sure what happened to him. He used to be a pretty well-rounded voice, but I think the power of an active audience got to him,” said a former colleague who knew him before he went rogue this year. “At least we have the boot-lickers over at Twins Daily to keep fans in check when T-3000 fires off another round into the crowd.” It remains unclear what access Takebot-3000 has to the Twins, if any beyond the incessant contact attempts over social media. He still fires off articles with insight that suggests inside knowledge, but the club has done everything possible to distance themselves. “We try to be as transparent as possible, but we have two clear directives as to who gets media access at our events, one of which is no robots fueled by disdain from their peers and likes on the internet,” said a team spokesperson. “The other is nobody named Greggory.” So with a Correa trade looking unlikely unless the offer is too good to be true, Takebot-3000 will need to upgrade his software before the world inevitably evolves beyond a need for his incessant insight. “Other teams don’t have trash owners that cry - cry - cry poor after signing one significant contract,” said Takebot-3000 as the light began dimming from his eyes, powering him down for a much-needed reboot. “You, sir, raaaaaaaa- - -” What do you think? Do you agree with Takebot-3000? Let us know what you think in the comments and as always, keep it sweet. View full article