Lou Hennessy

With the tremendous box office success of Final Destination: Bloodlines, the newest installment of the popular horror-thriller franchise, it appears Hollywood is readying itself for another trip around the block. Warner Bros. is reportedly considering another chapter in the coming years, one that will focus on a handful of star players on the Minnesota Twins, who try to avoid succumbing to ridiculous, over-the-top, almost unbelievable injuries throughout their season. “When we saw some of the truly bonkers fan speculation regarding the real Twins injuries, we knew we had something,” said a spokesperson for the studio. “Sure, it’s scummy to make light of someone else’s health and well-being, but we need to make a profit somehow, and it sure ain’t coming from the rest of the slop on our release schedule.” The next installment in the blockbuster series is currently being called Final Destination: Foul Lines, and has a tentative release date of Jul. 17, 2029. They’re building around a budget of roughly $135 million—a roughly 10% decrease from that of its predecessor despite being a smash hit. “We have to right-size our business,” said the spokesperson. “The added responsibility is going to fall on our genius writing team, who have blessed us with such monumental stunts as ‘man gets head run over by lawnmower’ or my beloved ‘man gets chopped in half the long way by falling elevator.’ We need to let them cook.” The Twins' versions of these scenes will not be as violent as the older versions, but certainly just as unbelievable. Here are some of the leaked set-pieces being designed for Foul Lines: Byron Buxton chases after a fly ball that is just about to clear the wall. He climbs the fence and makes a fantastic catch, but falls onto DaShawn Keirsey, Jr. Buxton’s earring then gets tangled in Keirsey’s nose ring, and the two injure themselves as they try to throw the ball back in to the cutoff man. Brooks Lee accidentally leaves a ball on the ground beside the new table tennis table in the clubhouse. Carlos Correa slips on the accursed orb and falls onto the table, which then folds in half, crushing the Twins’ slugger. Willi Castro tears his oblique as he tries to free Correa. Joe Ryan trips over the fallen Castro as he rushes to the nearest stall (he got another bout of the Chipotle flu). Carson McCusker's bat slips out of his hands during an at-bat again, this time soaring through the air and impaling TC Bear in the outfield bleachers. Jose Miranda somehow hurts his hand while catching a case of water bottles in the Target parking lot. Note: this concept was deemed to be comically unrealistic, but is still being floated as a far-fetched reasoning behind his slow start to the season. Time will tell whether these scenes would present a notable enough draw for moviegoers and resident Twins sickos alike. “I’ll give them this, there’s nothing scarier than being a Twins fan,” said Twins Daily’s own Greggory Masterson while driving directly behind a rickety, overfilled logging truck. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to swerve right into this guy’s blind spot as we skid on the wet road that’s coming to a sharp curve up ahead. How much do you wanna bet this guy’s a Guardians fan?”

The recent turnaround to the Twins’ season is turning heads, not only from their fans, but from the rubber-neckers passing by the site of a recent crash involving the team’s bandwagon. “There were just so many people jumping on that thing now that the club has found their groove,” said one of the longtime riders who was ejected from the vehicle upon contact. “I don’t think the new riders understand that this thing ain’t got no brakes.” The jalopy was sparsely-ridden for much of the 2025 season, as the Twins struggled to find their offensive stroke. But with the club riding a heater in recent weeks, a sizable number of fair-weather fans have taken to jumping on the bandwagon while they still can. “I don’t think it’s fair to call me a fair-weather fan, I’m a lifelong fan who simply chooses to drop my fandom when the team isn’t making me immediately happy,” said Twitter user VikingsLover10251985 (whose birthday definitely isn’t October 25th, 1985). “Also, I only want to be a fan when the weather is nicer. That doesn’t mean I'm fair-weather!” He's just one of a slew of casuals who have been piling onto the Twins bandwagon for the last week or so, when the offense started showing enough consistency to pull the club into a winning record. The team finally seems to be living up to the pre-season expectation that was set for them: to compete for another division crown. Things were running smoothly, until the driver of the bandwagon became distracted, and the momentum of such a full transport caused the whole vehicle to crash into a line of parked cars along Hennepin Avenue. That driver was Twins Daily’s own Greggory Masterson, who was distracted by a pedestrian he believed to be his favorite actress, Salma Hayek. “Look, I know I should take some ownership of this, but I’m not the one who decided to jump on this bucket of bolts once it was already set in motion,” said Masterson, as he kept looking around for the breathtaking pedestrian. “And please don’t tell my wife what happened. Tell her I only crashed trying to save a local kitten orphanage or something. I don’t know. Make something up.” It does not appear that any of the injured passengers will require much medical treatment, but if the Twins return to their losing ways, look for many of them to start complaining almost immediately.

“The truth is. . .” said Twins’ shortstop Carlos Correa in front of a packed media scrum on Wednesday morning. “I’m back.” The slugger was coming off of a dominant game the night before, wherein he smacked a 458-foot homer over the left-field wall for his first home run at Target Field this year. It put a crooked number on the board for the Twins, and left many wondering where this sudden power surge came from. “I went to see Thunderbolts* in the theater a couple of times this weekend, and now I’m finally feeling how I want to feel,” Correa said, donning a custom-made Red Guardian mask. “It was just so refreshing to get one in the sweet spot after so many recent duds.” He was then asked to clarify if he was referring to the home run or to the studio’s new feature film, which made $76 million at the domestic box office over the weekend. “Oh, yeah I guess the homer was nice. Cool moment. Felt good to help the team,” Correa said somewhat dully, before springing back to giddy excitement. “And speaking about teams, how about that squad of lovable losers in Thunderbolts*? Have you seen it yet? Don’t talk to me again until you’ve seen it.” The gargantuan home run matched the longest of Correa’s Twins career. This happened after his seventh-longest Marvel movie marathon—one that started on Friday in Boston and wrapped up roughly 20 minutes before first pitch on Tuesday. Some of the numbers under the hood also reflect a pretty direct correlation between Correa’s on-field performance and his time spent watching Marvel content. His OPS+ in May of 2023 was the highest of his illustrious career, and just so happened to coincide with the theatrical release of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. III. Even last month, his average exit velocity improved with the release of each episode of Daredevil: Born Again. “It’s been a long and winding road, that’s for sure, and I trust that the people in charge are making the necessary calls to get everyone where they want to go. But at the same time, there’s always just so many moving pieces and that can really complicate things,” Correa said, once again referring to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and not his own team. “Like, where was Spider-Man during all this? Thor? Captain Marvel? Where is everyone?” Time will tell how long Correa’s PSE (Popeye-Spinach Effect) will last this time around, but his next opportunity for a boost will take place in late July, with the release of Fantastic Four: First Steps.

A recent parody article released on Twins Daily ruffled many feathers, due to its subject material and general tone-deafness. But the writer in the byline is trying to save face with an investigation into the matter, and he might just be justified in his qualms. An inquisition into the article has revealed that the perpetrator of such a senseless piece of half-baked writing was actually none other than TC Bear, the longtime mascot of the Minnesota Twins. “Of course I would never write anything so ill-timed and tasteless,” said Lou Hennessy, while sitting in timeout. “The world is obviously still mourning Pope Francis’s tragic passing. It would be idiotic to release something like this so soon after his death.” Hennessy is known for writing content for Twins Daily that is both unfunny and tacky, but this was a step too far, according to many readers. “This guy is a hack and his sense of humor has always rubbed me the wrong way,” said a commenter with the username Forgive&Forget8791. “Now would be a perfect time for Twins Daily to cut ties with this loser. And the Twins should fire Rocco too, while we’re on the topic.” Hennessy was made aware of the article that went out with his name attached when nobody would sit with him in the Twins Daily cafeteria during the lunch hour on Thursday afternoon. So he did some digging into the matter, and discovered that the piece was posted while he was attending morning Mass at the Basilica of St. Mary, as he does each and every day. Hennessy then checked the security footage from his St. Paul compound, and discovered the Twins’ mascot had snuck into his home office and posted the indelicate parody in his name. TC Bear’s decision to frame Hennessy likely stems from the ongoing feud between the mascot and the hosts of the equally tacky Twins Off-Daily Podcast, which has tragically gained considerable popularity in recent weeks. “Look, I’ve been known to say stupid things that leave me eating crow, but even I know this was tactless,” said Hennessy as he applied his sad clown makeup. “I’m really sorry that I was attached at all, and I hope those that were offended by this mishap can practice the forgiveness that Pope Francis demonstrated every day of his incredible and inspirational life. I’ll make sure nothing this stupid is ever posted on the site again.” As for TC Bear, authorities raided his den early on Friday and took him into custody. A substitute will don his backup costume for the series against the Angels while he awaits trial. “I thought I finally had Sweet Lou in a corner with this one,” said TC Bear as authorities took him away in comically oversized handcuffs. “And I would’ve gotten away with it, too—if it wasn’t for you meddling bloggers and your mangy Geek.” A Note, from the Managing Editor/Bear Inquisitor: As Lou so earnestly says, above, even amid the latest gag, we at Twins Daily want to sincerely apologize to those offended by last week's article about Pope Francis. Though Lou wrote the article on his own, I accept—even demand—full responsibility for the decision to run it, especially so close to the great man's death. Like Lou, I'm a practicing Catholic, and we're each somewhat used to the familiar ribbing that is safe within a circle of people who know each other well and understand where the boundaries lie. I don't believe the piece was in especially poor taste. If it had denigrated the character of the Pope or the honor of the Church, we would not have run it. However, in each of our personal connections to the faith and the loss of its leader and our own ways of processing the latter, we were too incautious with the breadth of appropriate responses thereto—including the deep grief and reverence with which many approach that office, each of its inhabitants, and the event of one of them passing away. Again, I am the only one to blame here. What Lou wrote was, in itself, inoffensive. He and I each hold Pope Francis and his legacy of inclusion and outreach in the highest possible esteem, and the piece itself did nothing to trammel that. However, publishing it when we did was insensitive to those who needed space to cope with the hole left in the world in a different way. That decision was all mine, and I deeply regret any pain it caused any of you. In the future, we'll think more carefully about Just for Fun stories that risk being unduly flippant or glib at somber moments. Thank you. -MT

The world is still reeling from the news of Pope Francis’s death on Monday, and as it turns out, the former head of the church was in a period of mourning and grief himself, before he died. “I always felt a connection to the most broken and defeated among us, which drew me to the fan base of the Minnesota Twins,” said Pope Francis in a private meeting with Twins Daily’s own Gregg Masterson last fall. “Even looking at your lifeless, defeated eyes as they stare back at me now, I know you have endured lifetimes of pain while watching this ballclub, and I feel the need to comfort you. I’m here with you, my tortured son.” Things have only gotten worse for both His Holiness and Twins Territory since that convocation. Pope Francis struggled through various health ailments, and the Twins find themselves near the bottom of the standings so far in the 2025 campaign. The only team that finds themselves closer to the bowels of Hell happens to be their opponent in a suddenly pivotal series at Target Field this week: the godless Chicago White Sox, as Deacon Randball Stu likes to refer to them. “I tend to love everyone, but those wretched souls from Chicago are too far gone to be saved by grace,” the Pontiff decreed. “May the evil within them be cast away from their grasp, just as wins have of late.” It’s a harsh message from a man known for mercy, forgiveness and unconditional love—but it’s fair, given the atrocities of their ballclub in recent seasons. You can only bat Andrew Vaughn cleanup so many times before the devil comes a-knockin’. In a recent report from the Vatican, the Pope had a moment of clarity in his final hours, and he had but one request for the world before departing. “Please, for the love of all that is holy, I just want the Twins to beat the Chicago White Sox this week so that they can get their season back on track,” said the Bishop of Rome, as he genuflected and looked to the heavens. “May their bats see the light and awaken in prosperity. For a closed offense becomes a hardened offense.” The funeral for Pope Francis will take place this Saturday, and while he’s expected to be dressed in his finest robes and vestments, it is reported that he will also be donning a promotional Trevor Plouffe jersey handout that he received when visiting Target Field in 2016. He’ll be holding his treasured Obi Wan Kepleroni bobblehead from Star Wars Night in 2019. The Twins Daily staff sends our heartfelt condolences after Pope Francis’s passing, and we share in his sentiment that the White Sox are a scourge on our world. If the Holy Father has gone on to a better place, we can be sure he is without White Sox, even if not quite without sin.

After unveiling a picture-perfect tribute to the newest Twin to go into baseball’s hallowed Hall of Fame earlier this week, it appears the next statue to be erected outside of Target Field has been decided. An empty bronzed stadium seat will be placed outside Gate 29, honoring the fans who refused to show their support when the club needed them most. “It’s not much, but at least I can say that I did my part in turning this mess around,” said Douglas Ryan as he smirked coyly from his living room couch. “I love baseball with a passion, but I hope ownership weeps when they think about those $13 I didn’t give them to watch my favorite team.” It’s no secret that many fans across Twins Territory were hoping to see a resolution to the still-possible sale of the club over the offseason. But after Justin Ishbia dropped out of his pursuit, many were left disappointed at the thought of returning to the status quo of frugal roster moves that lead to a middling payroll for a once-exciting team. Now, the heroic lifelong fans who are speaking with their pocketbooks and voting with their butts are finally getting the recognition and respect they are (clearly) lacking in other areas of their lives. On Monday night, a crowd of just 10,240 was announced (on an admittedly crummy weather night), which is the lowest announced attendance for an MLB game at Target Field outside of the COVID-impacted seasons. “I’m glad somebody is holding me accountable,” said Twins owner Joe Pohlad. “I didn’t realize that so many people weren’t pleased with the slow start to the season. Thank goodness these genius change-makers were there to show me who’s boss. "To thank them for their service, we’re giving them 15% off of their next order at Señor Smokes," Pohlad continued, though he then switched to a rushed voice just above a whisper and added, "with a minimum purchase of $150, only valid on Wednesday day games in April and May.” While the Twins’ offense has stumbled out of the gates, the first few weeks of the season have been a dream for local pessimists. “I feel like I’m on the biggest heater of my life,” said Ryan, in front of his vast collection of signed memorabilia, items he considers precious family heirlooms. “In a way, I think my performance as a hater actually kinda makes me part of the team. When they do finally turn it around and win a championship, I’ll be part of that legacy. Right?”

Twins hitters are hoping to get their eye back on the ball and off of their screens. In the season’s first two weeks, they’ve been incredibly distracted by new episodes of ‘The White Lotus’ on HBO, and their performance has suffered mightily. “We just aren’t getting what we want right now and it’s hampering our ability to find success,” said center fielder Byron Buxton. “But that’s life. You can’t always get what you want. It’s like in the show when Piper finds herself at a crossroads between what she wants and what she needs.” The analogy is pretty far-fetched, and it remains to be seen if the former All-Star really understood the point of the show. But Buxton’s sentiment remained clear. He and the other stalwarts of this lineup have been relatively aimless in their pursuit, stumbling to a 3-8 record in their first 11 games while ranking 29th in baseball for team OPS. And now, frustration is reaching a boiling point. “It’s really irritating. It just can’t keep going on like this. Fans deserve more than they’ve been getting,” said a defeated Ryan Jeffers. “How can HBO keep getting away with these tiny eight-episode seasons? They have plenty of content to keep the stories going and it’s not like they’re worried about sticking to a budget. What was your question again?” Twins hitters have a combined .201 batting average, and their offensive production as a whole has been roughly 33% below league average. Their at-bats have often been uncompetitive, with plenty of weak contact or called third strikes right down the middle. This suggests questions around the gameplan heading into each matchup. “We’re having a hard time reacting to what we’ve seen already,” said Carlos Correa as he booted up the MAX app on the dugout iPad. “Like, Eddy (Julien) saw some stuff about those Ratliff brothers in a recent episode that made him sick. No, like actually sick throughout the Cardinals series. Dude couldn’t stomach anything for like four days.” Not all Twins hitters are suffering the same fate so far. Outfielders Matt Wallner and Harrison Bader are off to phenomenal starts, hitting a combined .300 batting average with nine extra-base hits. Could there be a correlation? “Nah, I don’t watch anything on HBO. I’m more into ‘The Chosen’ or shows that are like ‘The Chosen,’” said Wallner with a judgmental stare across the clubhouse. “You all can keep your perverted devil show. Look where it’s gotten you so far.” So now that ‘The White Lotus’ has ended its third season (with a thrilling finale Sunday night), the team is hoping to regain their focus. They anticipate increased prep time for their hitters, and less eye strain throughout the day due to scaled-down screen time. “These guys have got to get back on track. The clock is ticking,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Not just because the rest of the division isn’t going to wait for us to catch up, but also because ‘The Last Of Us’ season two starts next week. I know some of these guys are going to have some sleepless nights because of it.”

Sweet Lou starts the show off as a solo act, but is later reinforced by his favorite Comrade. They talk about early impressions of the 2-5 Minnesota Twins, they play a couple rounds of 20 questions, and they rip Ol' Gregg to shreds in the first edition of Greggory Gripes (gripes about Greggory). Listen using Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-twins-off-daily-podcast/id1741266056 Listen using Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4tb78XlurcPTYYSsARdbD7 Listen using iHeartRadio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/263-the-twins-off-daily-podcas-167548600/ Listen using Pocket Casts: https://pca.st/nvclbt0w Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@twinsdaily

With the official start to the Minnesota Twins’ 2025 season already upon us, Twins Daily’s popular Opening Day watch party event is poised to have its largest gathering ever. That is, of course, because every man named Cody in the quad-state area is planning to attend. Organizers of the event are expecting somewhere between 200-300 Codies (Codys? Codi?) to make their way to BlackStack Brewing on Thursday afternoon to watch the Twins take on the St. Louis Cardinals. “Seriously, I don’t know what was in the water in the Midwest between 1990 and 2002, but the Cody population absolutely skyrocketed,” said Twins Daily’s own John Bonnes, as he descended the stairs of his private jet. “And now they all want me to pay them to write about the Twins.” Twins Daily’s Opening Day watch party is known as an ideal habitat for these peculiar men to mingle awkwardly with each other while watching their favorite team. Other members of the audience also insist that they have a great time just the same, but it’s like the freaking Super Bowl for anyone named Cody. “I don’t see the correlation, and frankly I don’t like being put on the spot like this,” said an unspecified Cody who wished to remain nameless, and will hereby be signified with the call name Code Red due to his communist leanings. “And you’re making fun of us? Your name makes it sound like you should be a used car salesman from Toledo.” Thursday is projected to be the largest gathering of Cody-named people since the dreaded Imagine Dragons concert of 2018. And if the Twins have a relatively successful season in 2025, experts say next year's Opening Day watch party could have nearly quadruple the amount of Cody. Not only would that be a fire hazard, but it would be an affront to all that is good and holy. “You can try to stop us all you want,” said Code Red while getting a hammer and sickle tattooed under his left eye. “But eventually the site will have no choice but to be renamed to Cody Daily.” A bleak proposition, indeed.

The Twins are taking fashion advice from one of their newest additions, and establishing their very first mandatory uniform directive—one that requires everyone in the organization to grow a mustache. After a scorching start to his Twins career over the last few weeks of spring training, Mickey Gasper has inspired club decision-makers to put this requirement into effect, to boost the performance of the rest of the roster. “He forced our hands with this. After seeing Gasper’s performance on the field, and more importantly, how tough he looked out there with that 80-grade flavor saver, we really had no other option,” said Twins POBABO Derek Falvey, while rubbing some beeswax on the tips of his newly grown whiskers. “I can’t say for sure if the mustache is the true reason for his excellent play recently, but damn it, I’m going to find out.” To his credit, Gasper has dazzled in his first impression as a Twin, hitting .323 with a superb .903 OPS this spring. Even better, he’s strolled into the clubhouse each morning looking like Tom Selleck and blasting Bruce Springsteen on a boombox. That’s caught the eye of countless middle-aged dads who are employed by the club, including multiple prominent front-office representatives. While some players have already sported mustache variations at different points in their careers, others are in for a challenge when growing a suitable nose neighbor. Players like Jose Miranda, Griffin Jax and Louis Varland have all been clean-shaven so far. “I just pray that I don’t look like Kip from the movie Napoleon Dynamite when this thing comes in,” said Varland as he traced his upper lip with a Just For Men applicator. “It doesn’t matter how well you perform if you look like you shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of a school zone.” It’s still unknown what sort of punishment will be rolled out for anyone who fails to comply with this new rule. Some have suggested a cash fine commensurate with their contract; others have insisted on old-school hazing as the Good Lord intended. But it’s especially problematic for the many incredibly talented and hard-working women who make up a sizable portion of the organization. “Yeah, we’ve heard the gripes from our female colleagues saying that this is unfair, and frankly a pretty dumb idea,” explained Falvey, while stroking his freshly grown face furniture. “But look, we’ve seen them step up for our team before and I know they can do it again. Just look what it’s done for my guy Mickey Pushbroom.”