Bonnes Family Adopts Abandoned Twins Slugger From Local Shelter

It’s the dog days of summer. Just ask John Bonnes and his family. 

“Adding our new dog Rosa to our household has been such a treat. It’s so fulfilling to be able to provide a home to such a tender soul,” said Bonnes, while cleaning his kitchen floor for the third time today. “And that’s part of the reason why we decided to do it all over again with sweet Eddie. Don’t get used to that name, though; we’re mulling a few other ideas.”

He’s referring to Twins slugger Edouard Julien, whom the Bonnes family rescued from the local pound in Lowertown St. Paul over the weekend. He was once a budding cornerstone to the major-league lineup, but it’s almost as if the club decided to give him up when his training went off the rails. His aloof demeanor was also cited as a reason for his abandonment, as well as his penchant for rolling around in the grass on a near-daily basis.

“Look, we liked Edouard a lot. Edouard is a good boy. But at the end of the day, he’s not the breed of competitor that we were looking for,” said Twins president Derek Falvey, as he painted over Julien’s name on a water dish, thereafter showing the name Kody crudely scribbled on top. “We have a few young pups that have frankly lapped him when it comes to situational hitting, fielding at the keystone position and even potty training.”

To his credit, Julien has started to turn it on at the Triple-A level, and he currently sports an .837 OPS with the Saints. He’s showing that he’s very good with commands like “walk” (19.8% walk rate), and he’s even reining in on “chase” (a six percent drop in swings on pitches outside of the strike zone). Despite that solid production, the Twins just don’t seem to have confidence in this French-Canadian terrier, instead opting to leave him behind in St. Paul at multiple opportunities.  

For now, the Bonnes family has set up a laundry basket with a few old blankets in their linen closet for Julien to sleep in overnight. They’re hoping to find more space for him in the near future, but Rosa the dog will get first dibs on any new sleeping arrangements. As far as what he’ll eat, the shelter suggested a diet of grain-free kibble and steamed veggies—a marked upgrade over what minor league players are fed in today’s economy.

“When I saw those big droopy eyes staring back at me through his shaggy mop head at the shelter, I knew the decision was already made. That jawn was coming home with us,” said Chrissie Bonnes, the matriarch of House Bonnes, and John’s full-time handler. “We’ll definitely want to give him a bath right when we get home due to the fleas, but we have Aaron Gleeman over like three times a week so we’re used to spraying the place down on a regular basis.”

As far as what comes next for the Bonnes family making additions to their family, it’ll depend on how Rosa and Eddie react to their new home, as well as how long the current Twins skid goes on. With some tough opponents on the horizon, there could be a few other young sluggers looking for new homes sooner rather than later. 

“I have a big heart. Sue me,” said John as he loaded Julien into the trunk of his hatchback. “Who knows, we might need to make room at the condo for some of the other pooches struggling to establish a home at Target Field. Does DaShawn Bonnes have a nice ring to it?”

It does not.