Twins To Decide Starting First Baseman With Traditional 72-Hour Conclave

As the calendar flipped to 2025, the Minnesota Twins still found themselves without a true heir to their first base position. But by the sacred covenant brought forth by the player-development cardinals in the 17th Olympiad, the team will make its official selection via a 72-hour conclave, where members of the team’s baseball operations department and selected guests will shut themselves off from the outside world for three days, or until one of the nominees gets a majority of their votes to become the successor as a cold corner man. 

“Are we saying this position is as important as His Holiness, the Pope?” asked Cardinal Derek Falvey as he laid out his traditional POBABO garments on his bed like a giddy schoolboy on the night before the first day of school. “No, we’re not saying that, but we’re also not not saying that.”

Of course, the first base position is a vital piece to a competitive team, both on the field and in the lineup. The club was treated to mostly stellar production on both ends when it came to their last selection, Carlos Santana, who led the team in home runs while winning his first career Gold Glove award. But the respected veteran carried two mortal sins that made him unfit to return to hitting off the Holy Tee: he’s old, and he actually likes going to Cleveland. 

Thus, without another surprise outside addition to the list of nominees, the current options are as follows. 

José Miranda: Known for his many mission trips to St. Paul since debuting in 2022, Miranda is the betting favorite to secure the majority of votes this time around. Will his prayers of finding consistent production over a full season finally be answered?

Edouard Julien: A recent convert to the position, the Twins could hope to rekindle the flame that made him an exciting prospect and breakout star in 2023. His major knocks happen to be his abysmal performance in his second year in the seminary, and the fact that he is Canadian (but not the cool kind of Canadian like Justin Morneau or Alex Trebek). 

Mike Ford: While he does have considerable experience in the role, especially compared to the other contenders, he has been transferred out of six different clubhouse congregations for unspecified reasons. That should raise a pretty big red flag for the cardinals, who desperately need to avoid any potential controversy with this selection. 

Mickey Gasper: A late addition to the mix, Brother Gasper finds himself at the mercy of Twins Territory after going 0-23 to start his career in front of the Fenway Park Faithful. Truly, this man is used to seeing people at their lowest. Can that connection resonate with the presiding clergy of stat nerds?

So now the group of analysts, special assistants, evaluators, scouts and former first basemen must make their pilgrimage to Target Field, where they will be locked away from the outside world for 72 hours while they deliberate. 

“I remember Brother Harmon berating me for hours before I was ultimately selected back in ‘82,” said Cardinal Kent Hrbek, as he adjusted his personalized Twins-branded zucchetto atop his head. “These kids have it easy. Brother Rodney would slap my knuckles with a yardstick if I was late for one of these things.”

If the Ministry of Selectors is able to make a worthy selection in that time, plumes of white smoke will billow from the Budweiser Roof Deck, and the team will raise a banner declaring “Viva Il Papi” - roughly translated to “long live the next Big Papi” in reverence of David Ortiz—an excommunicant in a past conclave, when the Selectors regrettably defaulted to favoring the safer option, perhaps falsely reassured by his Polish descent.

What do you think? Whom should the ministry select to be the Twins' starting first baseman going forward? What did you think of the movie CONCLAVE? Let us know in the comments, and as always, keep it sweet.