'Twas The Night Before Twinsmas: A Twins Daily Holiday Treat

‘Twas the night before Christmas, 
And across Target Field, 
Came a winter storm roarin’,
With snow th't wouldn't yield. 

And up in the press box,  
Slept a gaggle of scribes, 
Who had dozed off awaiting 
A holiday prize. 

They had all heard the legend
Of the jolliest fellow,
Who would leave them great gifts 
While their heads were a-pillow. 

But it wasn't Kris Kringle, 
Or Saint Nick we bespeak,
'Twas the merry John Bonnes, 
Whom they call Santa Geek.

If you’ve been a good writer, 
Put in effort and time,
The big man will make sure
Christmas is sublime. 

And here he comes now, 
With a sack full of goodies,
Blackstack Brewing sixers 
And SotaStick hoodies. 

He's a new Pearl Jam record
For Disco Dan Hayes, 
And for Phil Miller, a keg,
With Hazy IPAs.

He makes sure Bobby Jr. 
Isn’t trying to peek, 
While he leaves him a Patreon sub 
To Gleeman and the Geek.

He got Betsy a parka
And a dog that won’t bark,
And a shirt reading “Yes, I was on Jeopardy!!”
For (who is?) Do-Hyoung Park.

And lest we forget,
That ol’ Grinch Aaron Gleeman. 
John leaves him a fancy new toy,
While he’s dreamin’.

Because Papa Gleems has been 
Perfectly nice,
The Geek leaves him a neck fan. 
That dispenses fried rice. 

And while Sweet Lou is not actually
Part of the beat, 
Santa Geek was still nice enough
To leave him a treat. 

John leaves him his favorite,
Thirty majestic blue cans.
A sight for sore eyes:
It’s a fresh rack of Hamm’s.

As he leaves for the night, 
The Geek cracks a beer,
Looks back at his friends,
And warbles out “Cheers!” 

He gulps down the tall boy,
Then turns out the light.
“Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!”