Varland Ditches First Name Altogether, To Go By Unique Symbol Like Prince

The pitcher formerly known as Louie—then (briefly) Louis—Varland is changing his name yet again. But instead of going by another variation of his birth name, or a middle name, or even a nickname, the 27-year-old will henceforth be known as “🝄” Varland. 

You read that right. Just like his boyhood idol, Prince, Varland’s new moniker is a symbol. 

“I guess I just want to enter camp as a new man,” said Varland. “Changing the last letter just didn’t cut it for me. I found myself following the same patterns as I did way back when I was Louie. So instead of switching up another letter or two, I changed the language completely.”

That led Varland to this moniker, which looks alien to many at first glance, but is still pronounced “LOO-ee” just like his previous iterations. It is still being determined if he’ll have to miss any time in camp while he waits in line at the DMV to change his name legally. 

“If I’m being honest, I don’t love when people who call themselves professionals have quirky, untraditional first names,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “But I really don’t care what he calls himself as long as he keeps pumping upper-90s heat.” 

The Twins’ marketing department is already hard at work, as they try to showcase the first-ever MLB player to legally change their name to a symbol. They have completed a few mockups of customized jersey giveaways, and are in the process of designing a mow pattern for the Target Field grounds crew to use on days when Varland is set to take the mound. There’s been plenty of speculation that the St. Paul native will move to the bullpen full-time, but the Twins are known for doing anything to extend a bit for as long as they can.

So how did Varland determine which design to use for a new symbol?

“The “?” stood out to me, partly because it kind of looks like an “L” or a “V” if you look hard enough,” Varland said, as he hastily posted a homemade nameplate atop his locker. “I know that it’s actually the alchemical symbol for BORAX-3, but I like that it kinda looks like someone giving a little thumbs up.” 

While making such a drastic change to one’s identity at this stage of their career is a risky move, it's easy to see the potential benefits. After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously with a name like Louie.