Twins President Derek Falvey Clearly Thought MLB Winter Meetings Were Supposed To Start Next Week

A shaggy, disheveled Derek Falvey sprinted through the lobby of the Hilton Anatole Hotel in Dallas late on Monday morning, leaving many attendees at the baseball’s biggest offseason attraction to come to the same conclusion: The Twins’ top decision-maker forgot which day the MLB Winter Meetings were to begin.

“It was very odd to see Derek trudging into the meetings with his shirt untucked like that,” said MLB Insider Jon Heyman. “And was he wearing mismatched shoes?”

Falvey has always been known as an organized, thoughtful and timely executive who prepares for these crucial meetings as much as anyone else in the game. But since the departure of his longtime front office partner, former general manager Thad Levine, things just haven’t been the same for the Twins’ top shot-caller.

“I gotta come clean, Thad usually handled my scheduling for these things and I’m still working through some growing pains since he left,” Falvey said as he buzzed an electric razor across his scruffy face in the hotel lobby restroom. “And honestly, I haven’t been sleeping well without Thad’s signature hot cocoa and bedtime stories routine. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.”

This year’s Winter Meetings could be quite consequential for his ballclub, as the Twins will need to address a currently unbalanced payroll situation while shuffling the deck enough to avoid another brutal late-season collapse. Witnesses say Falvey tripped over a trash can on his way into the main ballroom, sending sheets of documents soaring to the floor around him. They say these documents had titles ranging from “No fastball? No problem!” to “Should the Twins sign Miguel Sano?”

Falvey then gathered his scattered pages and looked at the stunned attendees around him.

“Mondays, am I right?” he shouted nervously, as he shrugged his shoulders, then sprinted out of sight. 

Shortly afterward, he addressed the local contingent of media members in the Twins’ war room. He was wearing a new set of clothes, and while they weren’t a wrinkled mess like the duds he rolled in with, they were clearly his casual attire stuffed into his bag haphazardly and with little thought. 

“Sorry everyone, I haven’t had my coffee today,” Falvey said as he donned an XXXL Spider-Man T-shirt that was clearly meant to be a pajama top. “But trust me, everything is under control.”

Just then, his briefcase fell to the ground and sprung open, but there was nothing inside, save a couple of pens and a live moth that proceeded to flutter away. Nevertheless, the Twins’ president wanted to talk shop, whether he was ready for it or not. One by one, reporters brought up notable topics such as free agent targets, possible trade chips and the rest of the winter meeting events planned for the next few days.

“Free agency? Yeah yeah yeah we’re totally keeping up-to-date with everything. You know I’ll be the first to know when, uh, what’s-his-name signs,” he said while snapping his fingers to jog his memory. “Solo! I’m very tuned-in to the Juan Solo sweepstakes.”

When one of the media members notified him that Juan Soto had agreed to a historic $765 million contract with the New York Mets the night before, Falvey blushed and quickly changed the topic. 

“Look, I know our payroll has been a hot topic recently, but let me assure you that Joe and the Pohlad family have given me the green light to proceed how I see fit,” Falvey said while patting each of his pockets. “Well, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I left my phone at home.”