Twins Find Just Enough Change In Pohlad Couch Cushions To Make A Few Cute Signings

Twins POBABO Derek Falvey didn’t think he would have a cent to spend on the 2025 roster, at least one that went above their roughly $130 million payroll last season. But all that changed when he had the brilliant idea to shake out some of the outgoing furniture cushions that belonged to his bosses. 

“I saw Joe directing some of his assistants to move one of his couches to the curb in front of Target Field, and I had a flashback to my childhood in Massachusetts,” Falvey said, before smashing open his son’s piggy bank. “I used to check my parents’ couch for loose change so that I could go get my daily Dunkin’. So I felt pretty wicked smart trying it again last week.”

Lo and behold, the club’s president was rewarded with enough money that had fallen into the depths of that old Chesterfield that he was able to make a few moves along the margins. First, the club signed old friend Danny Coulombe to a one-year deal worth $3 million. Then they reeled in outfielder Harrison Bader with a one-year, $6.25-million guarantee. Then, just yesterday, the club signed first baseman Ty France to another one-year pact, though that money isn't guaranteed; it's based on Falvey's projections for next month's sweeping-out of the space beneath the fridge in the Pohlad family suite.

All in all, the club found enough “walking around money” to spend $10 million more than they had originally anticipated (for now, at least). 

“It was really nice of the Pohlad family to bang a U-ey and let us stretch that budget, as long as I found the money myself,” Falvey said. “When I saw that couch going out to the curb, I just knew I had to call hosie on whatever cash they left in it.”

Sure, the club could decide to trade off one of the veterans who are currently set to make a sizable salary, such as Christian Vázquez, Chris Paddack or Willi Castro. But if Falvey can keep finding cash that was previously cast away, there’s no telling how much more they could add. 

“Maybe he’ll let me try some of the crevices between the seats of his car,” Falvey said with the elation of a child after an ice cream social. “I hear Alex Bregman is still on the market. Don’t tempt me with a good time.”