RandBalls Stu

When FM station 102.9 The Wolf acquired the rights to simulcast Minnesota baseball games, it seemed like a win for radio listeners and the team. A tragic misunderstanding leaves many wondering if it’s worth it.Gloria Runnells knew something was wrong immediately. “We’ve been coming to Fort Myers for Spring Training games for years,” said the Little Falls retiree. “We always sit by the play-by-play booth, Dan Gladden will wave at us, it’s a real fun time. When we got there on Thursday, there was debris everywhere, people yelling, and what looked like claw marks?” Those marks were courtesy of Luna, a 4-year-old grey wolf that was mistakenly sent to the CenturyLink Sports Complex. “It appears that there was a regrettable breakdown in communication between the Twins organization and stadium staff,” said a spokesperson for Fort Myers Animal Control. “The Twins requested that they save a spot in the press box for The Wolf, a Minneapolis radio station. Stadium authorities misunderstood the request and reached out to Orlando’s Wilderness Safari and Topless Frozen Yogurt Bar to procure Luna instead. The resulting bloodshed was substantial.” Authorities say at least 17 people were injured in the lupine rampage. When Luna was loosed into the press box by her handlers, witnesses say she bypassed the chair, microphone, and headset that was set aside for her and immediately went to town on assorted media members. “We turned around and saw this wolf gnawing on what I think was LaVelle (Neal, Star Tribune beat writer, who was treated and released from a Sarasota hospital with assorted cuts and bruises),” said Runnells. “She looked up and spotted Perk at Play (KARE sportscaster Eric Perkins, listed in stable condition with localized gouging) and pretty much flew right at him.” Animal Control officials were able to sedate Luna, but not before she flung one media member (believed to be The Athletic’s Dan Hayes) at a half-dozen other press box visitors and “knocked them down like bowling pins before feasting on them,” according to one official. “Honestly it was pretty cool.” The Athletic released a statement saying all their employees were accounted for and in good shape and also thanked Fort Myers EMTs for transporting the injured to the hospital after an unidentified Athletic employee was unable to rent a car due to an expired license. They added that readers could use the code WOLFATTACK to get 30% off a one-year subscription through the weekend. (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

With YouTubeTV and Sinclair at odds, the options for cord-cutting Twins fans appeared to be dwindling. Enter Duane.“Buddy, I’ve got all the channels.” This was the text sent by your friend Duane on Thursday evening, after news broke that your Fox Sports North provider, YouTube TV, was no longer going to be carrying Twins games after failing to reach an agreement with FSN owner Sinclair Broadcast Group. Duane, who moved back in with his mother and stepfather after his second divorce, expanded on this quote in a series of statements at the VFW later that night. “Here’s the deal,” said the infrequently employed 32-year-old. “Mom and Rick got the Premium Gold Plus package from Mediacom when Mom retired from 3M. It gets everything. Even the adult channels are covered. The adult channels!” As you grumbled about looking at Hulu as an option despite concerns that the exact same thing would happen with them, Duane was optimistic. “Don’t throw good money after bad, my dude,” he said. “I’m back on Rick’s cellular plan while I get stuff figured out, so I’ve got what Dustin at the Sprint store calls ‘unlimited minutes.’ I figure I can just pull up the game, FaceTime you, show you what’s happening, do a little play by play myself. Zero dollars, zero cents, cancel at any time. Boom shaka laka.” Despite your initial skepticism, you realized that that this was still way cheaper than cable. You took Duane’s offer under consideration and ordered a burger basket. [uPDATE: There is an unconfirmed report that a hideous bridge troll named Gryngyx, a creature more myth than real, is offering a full 162-game regular season Twins package “with minimal Blyleven” if you can answer three impossible riddles. Twins Daily is investigating.] (Link to image license here.) Click here to view the article

When news broke on Thursday that a longtime MLB star had convinced a young Houston Astros team to break the rules, many were stunned. Only Twins Daily reached out to that "very veteran star player." We present that interview now. Twins Daily: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. Very Veteran Star Player: No problem. Been waiting to tell my side of the story. TD: First of all, I think the question on everyone's mind is, who are you? VVSP: My name is Rick Crabtree. TD: That is not the name of, and I quote, a "very veteran star player." VVSP: No, but it is the name of a 47-year-old theater actor from Plano, Texas. TD: I'm confused. VVSP: The year was 2016. My production company had just mounted a successful production of Cabaret at the Shoreline Acres Senior Villas in Galveston. My day job at a local cellular telephone store left me wanting more, so I checked for other opportunities. I saw a listing for "Master of disguise, must be male, 35-45, in relatively good shape, competitive pay, no snitching." I figured why not? I go to the interview at this strip mall in Katy (a Houston suburb), and these two guys with polo shirts that say MCKINSEY GOLF SCRAMBLE 2012 CHAMPS on 'em say they need a charismatic, persuasive guy who can lead young men. TD: This interested you? VVSP: We were doing eight shows a week at the Villas, including a Sunday matinee. The young men in the cast didn't know Kander & Ebb from a hole in the ground when we started, and I rounded them into shape tout de suite. This was a perfect fit. TD: What did they want you to do, exactly? VVSP: It was quite simple, really. They wanted me to portray a World Series-winning veteran who could convince his young charges that there was a new method to win baseball games. It involved watching television and beating the hell out of garbage cans. Everyone was doing it, and they should be too. TD: Which leads me back to how Rick Crabtree was supposed to do this? VVSP: I developed a character, one I'd honed at many an improv session in the Fort Worth comedy scene. His name was Kenny "Juice" Palomino. Five-time All-Star. World Series champ. Voice of authority in the clubhouse. TD: But...Google? VVSP: Those McKinsey guys, they're amazing. They planted everything. Juice Palomino on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Juice Palomino busted in a brothel on Deadspin. Juice Palomino giving a tearful interview to Tom Rinaldi. The young kids, they didn't know any better. TD: But there'd be highlights? VVSP: Copyright bans on all of it. You'd try and play it and it would redirect you to the FBI warning that's at the start of old videotapes. TD: Still, how'd you fake it? They'd have to know you were a real or fake ballplayer. VVSP: Big elbow brace. Bigger knee brace. Always limping, spending time in the cold tub, never not leaning against something with my arms crossed, Oakleys on my ballcap, Cabela's manager goatee, spitting sunflower seeds. McKinsey gave me a dossier of chatter and stories about minor league bus trips. I'd tell my stories, and if anyone wanted me to step into what they called "the cage" or perform a "long toss," I'd motion to my back and go to the clubhouse for a massage. TD: That...sounds like a veteran. VVSP: From there, it was simple to sell the sign-stealing hustle. Those kids, they ate it up. TD: Were you there when they implemented it? VVSP: Oh no, once I laid the groundwork, management wanted me out of there before anyone got too wise. I watched the World Series on TV from backstage of a production of Cats at Earl Campbell Middle School in League City. As they recorded the final, dirty, cheating out, some of my fellow actors may have heard Skimbleshanks yelp. A job well done. TD: Thank you for your time. VVSP: Thank you. (link to image license here) Click here to view the article

You've made a mistake. You need to make amends. Let the Houston Astros help you navigate the fraught, tricky waters of a public apology.Now that you've stepped in it, you need to step out of it. This is how to apologize, the Astros Way: When possible, don’t.See above. Just don’t do it. People will quote you, ask follow-up questions, and point out inconsistencies in your story. Bummer City, Population: You! Seriously, don’t.If the media or public demands a statement, see if you can do it by whomping on various household items, like it’s Morse code or something. People might get the joke, think it’s funny, and move on to a different story.If the media or public demands that you use your words, craft an insincere, hollow public statement, admit nothing and read with the affect of a hostage holding that day's newspaper to demonstrate proof of life.If that simply isn't good enough, construct your apology in the most passive voice possible, speak in vague generalities, and change the subject. Examples:BAD: I am sorry for what I did. I am responsible for my actions and accept whatever the penalty is, even if it’s a lifetime ban.GOOD: I regret the actions of the team while I was there. I don’t want to relitigate the past and am looking forward to the new season.GREAT: At the end of the day, it is what it is. Next question.GALAXY BRAIN: I don’t think I should be held accountable.Everyone is going to mad after #5 even if you mean it! You really should have paid attention to the first two guidelines above. Why didn’t you read the first two guidelines? They were put at the top for a good reason!Save a bunch of kids from imminent danger. People love kids. Those kids are sometimes on buses and those buses might be driving up a perilous mountain pass in a winter storm. If that bus starts teetering along the edge of a crevasse, get out of your car and get those kids to safety before the bus plummets thousands of feet. You’re no longer Alex Bregman, Houston cheater, you’re Alex Bregman, brave hero of the Greeley (CO) Death Bus. Click here to view the article

Unlikable Chaska man shares his plan for the upcoming Twins transaction, or lack thereof.Barry Daniel has had a skip in his step and a song in his heart since Tuesday night’s bombshell announcement of a trade that would send Twins prospect Brusdar Graterol to the Red Sox, with Dodgers starting pitcher Kenta Maeda coming to Minnesota in return. “The minute I heard that, I got on the internet and started letting everyone know that this was a horrible move for the Twins,” said the 37-year-old IT consultant at a post-work happy hour he wasn’t supposed to know about but someone mentioned it in front of him by accident and here we are. “Graterol has the potential to be a Nolan Ryan/Randy Johnson type, and we’re moving him for a middle-of-the-rotation stopgap? Come on.” When word came down late Wednesday that the trade might be in peril due to Boston’s concerns over Graterol’s health, Daniel immediately stopped arguing in a group chat that Adam Sandler’s only good movies are ones with farts in them, not the serious ones. A new path was there to follow. “If this trade falls through, it’s just further evidence that they’re more concerned about holding onto unproven, injury-prone prospect than trying to improve their most glaring weakness,” said Daniel, beaming as he sent his appetizer back to the kitchen a second time. “If they really wanted to make this trade they would have parted with a (Royce) Lewis or Alex Kiriloff. Gutless and scared, classic Twins.” Daniel’s few friends at the happy hour say it’s been a long week, and it’s not even Friday. “When the Timberwolves traded Andrew Wiggins today, I don’t think it took him five minutes to say that Wiggins was on the verge of a turnaround and this was a giant step backwards for the team,” said Carrie Stilson, the company’s HR manager. “Then he gets here, tells everyone who ordered guacamole that all the ingredients support drug cartels in Central America, and orders plain chicken strips. I just want to go home to my family.” As the happy hour filtered out, Daniel sat alone at the bar watching the ticker on ESPN. “Patrick Mahomes, Super Bowl MVP,” said Daniel, shaking his head. “Alex Smith would have won that game without any of the look-at-me nonsense.” The bartender groaned audibly. Click here to view the article

We already have Killebrew Drive, Carew Drive, and Puckett Place. But why stop there? We need to think outside the box when naming our state’s roads. We need Junior Ortiz Boulevard.One of the highest honors local sports heroes can garner is getting a block or two stretch of a city street named after them. We have a lot of roads in this state that could use some Hall of Fame or World Series luster. Think of how much better that back-up at the Lowry Tunnel would be if you were waiting for traffic to clear on the Gary Gaetti Travel Hole? The problem, as you might have noticed, is that there are but a handful of Twins in Cooperstown and a mere two titles. We’re going to have to get creative. And we’re going to have to get a Junior Ortiz Boulevard. Some might ask, why Junior? Younger people might ask who that even is. That utter failure in parenting aside, the backup catcher from the 1991 World Champs is deserving. Keith Atherton is deserving. Scott Erickson is deserving. Mike Pagliarulo? You guessed it: Deserving. Since no one denies that this is the correct course of action, what’s left to determine is where to put Junior Ortiz Boulevard. I don’t think it should go to the Twin Cities: Minneapolis already has a couple baseball streets, and St. Paul doesn’t have so much as a parking lot named after Dave Winfield, Joe Mauer, or Paul Molitor, so they get nothing until they get their poop in a group. The greater metro can get bent out of shape when someone else in the cul-de-sac installs a front door that’s the wrong color, so they’re probably out. We must go into greater Minnesota. This is where the obvious answer lies: New Ulm. It’s a picturesque town in the Minnesota River Valley with a rich baseball tradition. More importantly, it’s the SECOND ULM. Ulm Senior is in Germany, making this one…junior. I propose that New Ulm find a street, preferably the main drag, the one by the old Hardee’s, or the road by my friend Dave’s brewery, and correctly rename it Junior Ortiz Boulevard. The best way to do this is through citizen involvement, so I urge all reading this to reach out and make your voice heard. New Ulm Chamber of Commerce: chamber@newulm.com New Ulm Convention & Visitors Bureau: info@newulm.com Mayor Robert J. Beussmann and the New Ulm City Council, now is the time to lead. When you’re cutting the ribbon on Junior Ortiz Boulevard this summer, voters will remember that where others feared to tread, you were bold, nimble, and decisive. Do the right thing. For Junior Ortiz. For democracy itself. Image license here. Click here to view the article

The Minnesota Twins Winter Caravan, an off-season tour of cities and towns in Minnesota and points beyond, attracts fans eager for the upcoming season and the chance to meet current and former Twins personnel. It’s usually the highlight of Mike Parker’s year, but 2020 has thrown the Shakopee native a curveball: He has no idea what shirsey to wear.“It’s usually a cut-and-dried decision,” said the Shakopee native. “But I’ll be honest with you, I’m in a real pickle here.” For the uninitiated, a shirsey is a t-shirt styled like a baseball jersey, with a team logo in front and a player name and number on the back. Parker estimates he has “40-50, minimum.” “I would always grab a new one if the Goldy’s in the mall had them in stock, or when I went to the team store at Target Field,” said Parker. “I didn’t think I had that many, but when my fiancée moved in, she noted that I had more shirseys than dishes. She noted that I had more Torii Hunter shirseys than dishes.” While he’s given thought to downsizing his collection, the 31-year-old paralegal has grown attached to many of them. He gave Twins Daily a tour of some of his favorites. “This powder blue Gary Gaetti number, this is the one I wore to (Twins vs. Tigers) Game 163,” said Parker. “You can see the mustard stain on the sleeve where I dropped my DomeDog in the 7th inning. Oh, and this red Joe Nathan beauty, this is the one I wore under my graduation robe.” Parker paused before the only one that he had on a hanger. He cleared his throat and continued. “The blue Dougie Baseball (Doug Mientkiewicz) one. I wore this to a Fort Myers Miracle game he was managing. He saw me wearing it, and when the umpire ejected him for arguing balls and strikes, he pointed at me, turned back to the umpire and said ‘This guy gets it, you stupid [expletive] [expletive] piece of [expletive].’ I think about this a lot.” With the date nearing, Parker admits that he does have a group of finalists. “Oh, I have my eye on about a half-dozen for sure,” said Parker. “This Rod Carew throwback is in the conversation, but what if someone else is wearing that one? It’s like going to a dinner party in the same dress. And sure, I could wear my Nishioka one, but I don't really want to do irony. "Let's be honest: It's probably A.J. (Pierzynski) time." (Link to image license here.) Click here to view the article

Twins Daily's I-Team uncovered a 2017 Craigslist post in the Houston area. We think it speaks for itself. Please credit Twins Daily.As I write this, the sanitation team is here fixing a little alignment I made with our trash compactor. I wish you had booked them and had gotten the correct drumbeat nailed down before this 3-game series versus the Dodgers and I could have spent more time on, like, Twitter or something. We can’t wait to have you shine in what you do best and run our clubhouse so we can do what we do best and maximize every possible advantage regardless of legality. We are definitely the coolest team ever and we live in Houston. We had a clubbie temporarily in this position, and now we want you to keep our team running smoothly while he tries out for the Chanhassen High School production of Grease. We run our own baseball franchise and work from the stadium. The manager works for me, so we are literally here all the time. We are hilarious, we tell Altuve height jokes, and when we’re not wiring him to tip pitches from the best relievers in the game we do a lot of pep talks and picker uppers. You have to be super cool with that and the massive cheating. Narcs need not apply. If you describe yourself as optimistic, soulless, resourceful, super into breaking rules and surveillance—we’re on the right track. I am a former San Francisco tech bro, first page of Reddit, and I care a lot about how loud the percussion is because cheating is the Most Important thing to me for a million reasons. So if you are the type that “just doesn’t notice” when narcs are going to rat us out, thank u next. If you are going to judge us because we exploit technology to win one at-bat in an April game against Baltimore, you’re on the wrong post. I drummed all through high school and college and am still close with all my fellow percussionists. So I have a lot of opinions, backed by research, on how to optimize the Astros’ development, and I know what it’s like to be a drummer. There is no shaming in our clubhouse. We don’t cry it out. You can’t spoil a Marisnick. We are not scout-oriented and ask you to leave that to your personal time. Are you up for being the Loudest Drummer Ever that my manager is going to remember always and forever and have adorable nicknames for you, like Drummer Guy or Cheater Dude? If you’re not looking for a lifetime bond of chicanery this is not for you. We are not fantastic drummers, but you are! Whaling on trash cans is fun for you and you’re excited to help take care of other American League teams. Also, I have celiac disease, so you can’t bring gluten into the house. If you don’t know what gluten is and you’re not resourceful enough to google it right now, just beat the hell out of a trash can to indicate a change up is coming. If you thing that’s weird, we’re definitely not the right team for you. Check in on the Padres? Have you seen any soap opera, ever? You are the attractive stableboy to our unhappy dowager, minus the judgment. Basically, you have to help run the massive cheating scandal, and love doing it. If you think it’s cute to toss garbage cans in the air, omg NOPE. If you have a temper; if your blood pressure goes up when an umpire looks at the dugout; if you think it’s funny to joke about how blatantly we’re cheating, GTFO. If you are passive-aggressive/Minnesota Nice and will dislike this wave of malfeasance, lie about it, and then hold it against us, go make a hotdish in Mike Fiers’ oven. We’re complete liars, but honesty without tact is really not our concern. CHEATING IS COOL. I have visions of us driving to Galveston together and power-walking the shore with a World Series Trophy in our stroller. In November, we’ll make fun of Joe Buck on the beach. Click here to view the article

The former Twins manager was less than pleased with the popular game show and wants to know why he can’t find any shows about surgeons or firemen.Jeopardy!’s prime time Tournament of Champions has found a lot of fans this week, with one notable exception with local ties. “The heck is a game show on at night for anyway,” asked former Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. “Phrase that in the form of a question.” The Detroit Tigers skipper was looking for “my stories” on ABC this week and instead found Alex Trebek peppering three of the game show’s greatest players with “answers” about art, history, college football and more. Gardenhire was not amused. “You watch the news, you watch Wheel (of Fortune), you watch your stories, and you go to bed,” he said. “I don’t Netflix and chill, I don’t have Lulu (sic), and I’m fine with that. But man alive, you see these wisenheimers buzzing and booping, talking about Van Gogh and Mozart when you just want to watch a show about doctors. It’s enough to drive you crazy.” Gardenhire didn’t limit his criticism to the pre-emption of normal programming. “None of these contestants look like they know a goldang thing about baseball,” said the Oklahoma native. “You know who Paul Gauguin is, Einstein? How about Paul Goldschmidt, or how to pitch to him? That’ll impress the hell out of me, because I sure don’t.” The rapid approach of spring training only irked the baseball lifer more. “My Christmas vacation is pretty much done, and I have to head south pretty soon to get back to work. I just want to see some cops take down some bad guys or an unconventional district attorney take down some Wall Street fat cats. Instead I get these jokers. May as well just tell Andy (Tigers pitching coach Rick Anderson) to rent the RV early so we can hit the road. Sick of this.” Click here to view the article

Minnesota’s search for impact pitching this off-season went sideways. While visions of Madison Bumgarner and Hyun-Jin Ryu danced in the fanbase’s heads, the cold reality was a New Year’s Eve signing of Homer Bailey and Rich Hill. Put another way, this is like asking for the Lego Millennium Falcon for your birthday and instead getting the Lago Century Bird from the dollar store that always smells like fish. Thanks for putting in the effort, Dad.Still, it’s a good month and a half until pitchers and catchers report, and absent a Josh Donaldson signing or a franchise-altering trade, you have a grim winter stretch ahead of you. You’ll need to start talking yourself into Bailey and Hill being the saviors this rotation so desperately needs. Here’s how: Homer Bailey has thrown two no-hitters in his career. Yes, they were 7-8 years ago. But! The Rule of Threes exists for a reason. He’s due!Rich Hill just got arrested because his wife got arrested over the NFL’s exquisitely dumb personal bag policy. He’s a bad boy who fights for justice and stands up for his family! This is arguably the most interesting thing a Twins player has done off the field since Steve Lombardozzi and Dan Gladden started wrasslin’ on the Dazzle Man’s property.This is just a note that I would watch a 30-for-30 about that fight right now.The AL Central is going to be bad again. Detroit and Kansas City will be SuperFund sites. Chicago will be interesting and annoying but probably nothing more than that. Nobody knows what Cleveland is doing but no one thinks it’s good. You can probably ride this rotation as it stands to another title and move the impact pitching goal posts to a midseason trade.Reiterating that we need a documentary about the Lombo/Gladden fight or the bad vibes of the whole 1988 season. Gaetti finding the Lord and alienating Hrbek, the Brunansky/Herr disaster, the trade of future Moneyball architect Billy Beane…it’s all there, folks.Houston gets a postseason ban for cheating. Hey, they do it in college sports all the time! Take a seat, you garbage can-banging scofflaws.The New York Yankees get contracted for reasons.The Twins are going to the World Series with Homer Bailey and Rich Hill leading the way.There. I’ve talked you into it. If the Gophers can beat Auburn in a New Year’s Day bowl game, this can happen too. (That said they should definitely trade for somebody. Anybody. Please.) Click here to view the article

Zach Moen is 43. The Chaska native has been following the Minnesota Twins his entire life. His focus since the team’s humbling playoff exit has been singular: Improvements to the team’s starting rotation. With free agency a bust and the prospect of swinging a blockbuster trade daunting, he turned to an unlikely source for help.“You know how in some department stores at the mall they have a little table and mailbox for writing letters to Santa,” said Moen. “I didn’t see an age limit sign anywhere, so I grabbed a blue crayon and got to work.” Moen, who admits that he was previously very skeptical of the portly saint’s existence, said it was just one way in which he harnessed the power of dreams and wishes to fulfill his favorite team’s most urgent need this holiday season. “I think most people agree that it’s weird to go to the mall and see a grown-ass man sitting on Santa’s lap,” said Moen. “But isn’t it weirder to have ample payroll to add any starting pitcher you want and not doing so? I went to Rosedale with purpose and resolve: To ask Santa for a new pitcher. “I didn’t sit on his lap, by the way, I’m not a weirdo,” Moen added. “I just kneeled down and quietly but very firmly told him what I wanted. An elf named Tyler told me I needed to leave or he was going to call his manager, but I said what needed saying.” Despite similar results at other malls (“You get used to the looks and security escorting you back to your car”), Moen entered Christmas Eve optimistic and prepared. “So NORAD has this Santa Tracker, where they track the reindeer and Santa’s sleigh as they deliver gifts,” said Moen. “And you can watch it online. What I did on Christmas was zero in on the radar image of the sleigh itself. You can see the jolly old elf and the overstuffed sack of toys clear as day. But that sleigh is a two-seater. Who’s that second seat for? Mrs. Claus doesn’t go on these trips. Noah Syndergaard, maybe? I’m just asking questions.” When Christmas Day dawned and no transaction news came with it, Moen was disappointed but did not lose faith. “It was a bummer, there’s no two ways about it,” said Moen. “But you have to look at it logically, too. The way I see it, the player’s union will probably raise hell if a team puts a player on an unlicensed aircraft flown by magic animals over the holidays for the purposes of a trade. It’ll be way easier to do it through the traditional channels this weekend or first thing Monday. I expect we’ll find out soon enough.” Click here to view the article

With the winter meetings over and the pickings for free agent talent growing slim, it appears that the Twins need some help in landing players. They have a playoff roster and money to spare yet are finding no takers. Clearly, they need some curb appeal. Here are some suggestions for turning this whole thing around.Put some good-ass snacks in the dish at the front desk. You know how when you go to a bigshot corporate office the receptionist has a bowl of, like, Jolly Ranchers or Life Savers at the main desk? Oh. Great. Thanks. But how about when it’s like whole candy bars or cold Gatorade or chicken fingers with an assortment of dipping sauces? You’d probably think, hey, these guys are awesome. Especially if you can pitch 200+ innings in a season and anchor the middle of a rotation for 3-4 years. Hire Chip & Jo. The hosts of Fixer Upper have managed to make total dogcrap houses in Waco, Texas look like attractive, desirable homes with a little shiplap and a lot of dad jokes and farm sinks. You gotta figure we can turn Chip loose with sledgehammer in the clubhouse and let Jo design the perfect workspace for a third baseman who can field the position and hit for power. Offer a chance to record an album of duets with Joe Mauer. The retired Twins catcher already has an apocryphal rap album in his discography. As a father of young children, he probably relishes the chance to get the entire hell out of the house. And who would turn down the chance to enter the studio with a future Hall of Famer to lay down some tracks over some sick beats? Definitely not a back-of-the-rotation starter with potential to be something more than that who you can sign to an affordable deal and coach up. Abduction of a large adult male with upside. OK. This is a tough sell. I already hear your objections about it being both a traumatic crime and that it was already done by the guy from Home Alone in the 1996 comedy Celtic Pride. But! What if the abductee with the ability to consistently give you six solid innings every fifth day goes Patty Hearst (kids ask your grandpa) and sympathizes with Minnesota’s inability to land a name free agent? We’re just saying that all options are on the table, and that by reading this you’re a criminal co-conspirator so you better just shut up if you’re thinking about squealing. Offer to help him move without being asked. I moved out of my home of 20 years in September. It was a lot of work! Chances are, as a professional athlete, this bullpen piece who can lock down the 8th inning has had to do this more than once and would appreciate Falvey and Levine showing up with a dolly and wearing those hernia belts. Maybe design the belts to look like WWE title belts with something like BEST FRIENDS engraved on them? Might work! Those sofa sleepers are a nightmare. Click here to view the article

We go through this every year, regardless of who’s running the team or what the needs are. Yes the needs are always “starting pitching” and “no, really, starting pitching” but that’s not the point. You need skills to deal with the anguish and senselessness of the whole unforgiving enterprise. Understanding what you’re feeling is the first step.DENIAL (Twins fans on Monday): “They’re not really going to stand pat. They’re playing the long game. Those guys know what they’re doing, and they have a plan. They know there are holes to fill, they know the money is there to fill them, and they’ll improve what is already a playoff team into something truly formidable. We just have to be a little bit patient, that’s all.” ANGER (Twins fans right this minute): “WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. They didn’t sign anyone?!? We got a backup catcher and a guy who can’t pitch until May WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. I’m going to walk around the block a couple times. Everyone is getting better except for us. No. I refuse to accept this. I’m going to write an angry tweet and/or Facebook post. Punctuation and grammar will not be faithfully observed. WTFFFFFFFFFFFF.” BARGAINING (Twins fans next week): “I don’t understand. I thought they’d land at least one of the marquee pitchers. You thought so too, right? It made all the sense in the world. I have a whiteboard in the garage that lays out all the options quite nicely. I bet if they just looked at it and I laid out how the years and money make sense they’d realize they need to do something. My buddy Hans does math stuff for them, I bet if I sent him an email, he could let Falvey and Levine know, and they’d come over and we could talk about it. I could order pizza. I wonder what toppings they’d like. I’ll ask Hans.” DEPRESSION (Twins fans from roughly Christmas-New Year’s Day): “Welp. Guess that’s what happens when you’re the dumbest guy in Idiot Town. I knew they wouldn’t do anything and I still told myself they would. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can’t wait for a DoorDash driver to start the wild card game next year. If we even get that far. So dumb. Hate everything. Gonna just drive around the interstate for a while, not really going anywhere. Idiot.” ACCEPTANCE (Twins fans from roughly Jan. 2-pitchers & catchers reporting): “These contracts really are ridiculous. I suppose they’re going to see how the trade market looks and make their move then. I wouldn’t have given (bananas contract from, like, the Padres or Diamondbacks) to Tanner Roark either. Honestly after (whatever horrific way in which the Vikings season ended and/or the sheer hammering ferocity of the latest winter storm) I’m just glad baseball is back soon. Go Twins!” Click here to view the article