RandBalls Stu

Deadspin is terrible now, but it used to be somebody. The old, good Deadspin ran a segment called Let’s Remember Some Guys, wherein they would open a pack of old baseball cards and remember some guys. Like Steve Jeltz. Steve Jeltz!Since everything is objectively terrible, and we are sorely lacking in dumb sporting events to distract from how objectively terrible everything is, I’m going to remember some Minnesota Twins off the top of my head. They are not ranked in order of preference or ability or grit or hustle or WAR. They are listed in the order I remembered them after three beers while sirens wailed in the St. Paul night. I hope this helps you in some way, because it sort of helped me. Jarvis BrownDave GoltzPaul ThormodsgardRob WilfongMike MaksudianScott StahoviakHouston JimenezDoug CorbettTom NietoHosken PowellWillie NorwoodGeoff ZahnGlenn AdamsDave EngleButch HuskeyJoe CredeDave HollinsRick SofieldLenny FaedoMike CubbageKeith AthertonFrank PastoreCraig KusickDavid WestKenny LandreauxWillie BanksKen SchromRusty KuntzGary WardMatt LawtonTodd SearsMichael RestovichEric SoderholmSteve BryeDisco Danny FordBombo RiveraMidre CummingsChris LathamMark PortugalNeal HeatonAndre DavidJason PridieJesus VegaGerman GonzalezShane RawleyAnd last but certainly not least, Dan NaultyIf you want to remember some Twins, please leave their names in the comments. And yes, we remember Junior Ortiz. Everyone does. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Last season’s 101-win performance elevated 2020 expectations for the Twins, but they wouldn’t have been the first Minnesota team to turn optimism into a sadder reality. With the team in first place at the unofficial start of summer, Twins Daily asked players and staff to comment on the season so far and what happens next.Minnesota fans had every reason to be optimistic entering the 2020 season. A relatively easy division, a potent 1-9 lineup, and improved rotation options all led to confident predictions of postseason baseball. Still, things sometimes just don’t work, be it a due to injury or regression or clubhouse strife. The Twins have surmounted those obstacles so far and are guaranteed to be in first place come Memorial Day. “There haven’t been any games,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “I mean, yes, technically we’re in first place, but so is everyone else. “There’s a pandemic,” he added. While the Twins have held their own, they are joined in first place in the AL Central by Cleveland, their consensus rival for the division crown. Joining them are the surprising White Sox, Royals, and Tigers. “I don’t know what this means,” said Twins outfield Max Kepler. “This is very confusing to me.” No team in the rest of the American League has broken from the pack. We asked Twins center fielder Byron Buxton if he felt this improved the odds for a deep postseason run. “What’s wrong with you,” said the speedy outfielder. “Stupid. Just stupid.” With the team competitive as June nears, we asked Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey if the front office was working the phones to make some moves in advance of a possible pennant run. “We are not in the office right now,” said Falvey. “There’s no season right now. Are you OK?” One thing is for sure, Twins fans are excited and ready to go for what promises to be a thrilling summer at Target Field! “We probably won’t be able to have fans in the stadium this summer even if we can play,” said Falvey. “You really seem like you’re not well?” Image license here. Click here to view the article

With baseball’s return still nebulous at best, one local fan looks to competitive auto racing for a different kind of sporting event.Motorsports have never been Mike Holmberg’s thing. “I was never a car guy,” said the Minneapolis accountant. “I didn’t even own one until after college. That people raced them for money just seemed like one of those weird little subcultures that some people get wildly enthusiastic about. Like antiques or Phish.” With Holmberg’s beloved Minnesota Twins still sidelined due to the COVID-19 outbreak, he’s exploring his options. “The KBO (Korean Baseball Organization) games on ESPN are fine, but the hours don’t align with my job or teaching the kids,” said the 34-year-old. “Then I saw a story that NASCAR was going to do live racing this weekend. I’ve got nothing but time, so if I’m ever going to get into it…” The main hurdle is his utter lack of knowledge. For that, he’s called in outside assistance. “My cousin Tony lives in Sauk Rapids (MN) and has been going to races and demolition derbies his whole life,” said Holmberg. “How can I put this delicately? He’s kind of a dirtbag—mullet, sleeveless t-shirts, not always employable. But he knows racing like the back of his hand.” What Tony told Holmberg about NASCAR left him confused and curious. “OK, so apparently they make left turns the entire race. And they don’t have enough gas to run an entire race, so they gotta fill up the tank every so often. I asked Tony why they didn’t make a bigger tank or improve gas mileage so they didn’t have to stop and do this, and he said something about me and Jeff Gordon performing an intimate act on a farm animal. I don’t know who that is.” Holmberg’s cousin also made it very clear that NASCAR and Indy car racing are not the same thing. “I told him I’d heard of the Indianapolis 500 before, and you could hear the disgust in his voice when he said it may as well be the Mars 500 for all he cared. I said I’d also heard the name Dale Earnhardt before and he just got real quiet. I think he cried. Which is weird, because at Tony’s mom’s funeral he left during mass to put down a heater and play pull tabs at Jimmy’s Pour House. He’s not really an emotional guy.” To prep for this weekend, Holmberg has been watching archival footage suggested by Tony. “I’ve been watching clips on YouTube, and a thing that seems to happen a lot is that the drivers will get in these horrible, full-speed accidents, climb out of their vehicles unscathed, and then start brawling with each other. It’s the damnedest thing. I honestly think if Carlos Gomez hadn’t found baseball, he’d be perfect for this sport.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Mysterious connection between the hot corner and precognition defies experts, imparts semi-valuable information.When Trevor Plouffe broke news of baseball’s potential 2020 comeback on Tuesday night, he was both mocked and ridiculed. Vindication soon arrived, as ESPN’s Jeff Passan confirmed much of what Plouffe tweeted about the next day. Left unsaid was Plouffe’s source: His fearsome ability to see the future. Although he would not comment to Twins Daily about the matter, multiple sources confirmed that Plouffe has inherited the gift of the second sight, and he is just the latest Twins third baseman to acquire this power. “Pretty much since (John) Castino, every Twins third baseman can divine events that have not been or soon will be,” said a clubhouse source. “No one really knows why, no one really questions it. It just is.” This baleful gift, which arrives without notice and leaves just as quickly, tips former and current Twins third basemen about future events. Notable incidents include: Gary Gaetti, 1986: Gaetti saw a vision that the powerful Soviet Union would soon collapse. It led him to write the song “Winds of Change,” which he gave to the German rock band The Scorpions. He asked not to receive songwriting credit, as it was a gift from the universe.Mike Pagliarulo, 1991: The veteran third baseman woke up the day of World Series Game 7, picked up his landline telephone, called the Bloomington Perkins, and said “There will be a major winter storm in five days and no one is ever going to shut up about it” before hanging up. He does not remember making the phone call. Restaurant manager Esther Johnson said it helped her and her staff prepare for the 1991 Halloween Blizzard.Dave Hollins, 1996: The journeyman walked into the Metrodome clubhouse one June afternoon and told teammates that, 24 years hence, people would Google the 1996 Minnesota Twins and be completely floored that Dave Hollins was the third baseman. Neither he nor his teammates knew what this meant.Corey Koskie, 2014: The Canadian favorite was told by an eerie, childlike voice that the Wheel of Fortune final puzzle on Wednesday, August 21, 2014, would be “LAUGHING OUT LOUD.” He didn’t bother to check and commented “This is a stupid [expletive] gift.”This is said to be “at least the second vision” Plouffe has received this year. A source with knowledge of the third baseman’s thinking said Plouffe had a vivid dream in February that he’d soon have a hard opinion about a woman named Carole Baskin and her first marriage. Image license here. Click here to view the article

St. Paul man doesn’t have any games to analyze or stats to crunch. In these desperate times, he’s creating his own.John De Vries loves doing the math. Baseball’s endless supply of statistics has led the local data analyst down pleasurable wormholes about launch angles, exit velocity, and win shares. MLB shutting down amid the COVID-19 outbreak prevents new inputs and has caused a minor crisis in the De Vries household. “Obviously, we’re all looking for distractions right now,” said De Vries. “And my main distraction has always been baseball stats. Those are gone, vanished.” The scramble to fill his extra free time proved fruitless. Abortive attempts at woodworking (“I keep getting splinters”), becoming a scotch guy (“expensive swamp water”), and understanding TikTok (“This feels like it’s actively harmful”) depressed him even further. At wit’s end, he found something different. Something far removed from the national pastime but one that still allows for analysis and modeling. “My wife and I were watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey one night, and one of the wives shoved another one for getting all up in her business, when she’d clearly been told she oughtn’t,” said De Vries. “We’ve seen this situation unfold a number of times in various iterations of the show. And that’s when it occurred to me: How often has this happened before? Are there patterns? Are there tendencies? And can we predict when it happens again?” De Vries got to work immediately, watching hours and hours of Real Housewives programming. The show, which claims to document the lives of glamorous, affluent women named Jacqueline or Nicole in various urban centers, soon revealed observable data that could be documented and, perhaps, understood. The project, tentatively called Real Housegraphs, has led to quantifiable metrics, including: Value Over Replacement Wife (VORW). This measures the quality, worth, and subtlety of the housewife’s attire/jewelry/accessories versus which marriage her spouse is on.Expected Friends Made While Not Here For It (xFM/WNHFI). If a new housewife is introduced to the show, she often says she’s not there to make friends. This attempts to gauge how many lasting friendships or enemies are made over the life of her story arc.Dousing Average on Champagne In Glass (DACIG). How much of the champagne in a housewife’s glass ends up in another housewife’s face due to perceived disrespect/giving her that look again, versus how much is consumed?Weighted Drama Created Plus (wDC+). Not just who is causing drama, but when and why? Is the conflict caused in high leverage situations like season finales or crossover specials? Is the perpetrator conniving due to financial considerations, potential spin-offs, vodka?“I miss baseball,” added De Vries. "Man." (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

The NFL Draft is one of the dumbest things I watch, and I’ve watched a lot of dumb things. Super dumb things. For example, I once paid money to watch Scott Aldred pitch.The evolution of the NFL Draft doubles as a history of ESPN. What started as a janky, beige vehicle for middle-management types doing their jobs in sport coats at card tables is now its own industry. Draft analyst is a real job that people have. MULTIPLE PEOPLE. If you had shown up at the NFL Draft in 1981 claiming to be an NFL draft analyst, they would have either kicked you out of the Felt Forum or made you light Pete Axthelm’s cigarettes. That draft era was kind of great because it was barely above public access quality. The Super Bowl wasn’t that far removed from being played in daylight with halftime shows from Up With People. The world was different then. Now it’s all lasers and overdriven music and Mel Kiper. As it’s become more of a blockbuster production, you are profoundly aware that: There’s no sport being played.It’s just young men finding out where they’re working in the fall.There are former players yelling at each other about the young men getting the new jobs.Roger Goodell might have the least amount of personality a human being has ever or will ever possess.Although baseball has made their own draft more of an event in recent years, they do not give it the import and high drama of the Vatican naming, like, six Popes at once. On the moon. Directed by Michael Bay.However, in the absence of any sports except for Korean baseball and a documentary about a team from 25 years ago, it filled a niche on Thursday night. In an environment where run-of-the-mill activity is welcome, the NFL’s annual overblown dog-and-pony show was…nice. The interviews were stilted and awkward. The talking heads yammered. There was a guy in a bathrobe. People were yelling at the Vikings. Then people really started yelling at the Packers. It was normal! Another change is that, instead of blowing through this all in a weekday, they spread this thing out for three whole days. You can just put this on in the background today and tomorrow and pretend everything is kind of as it was. Then you’ll switch over to FSN to see how the Twins are doing or pick up your phone and you’ll remember, “Oh, yeah. That.” But still, it’s a distraction. They’re hard to come by right now, and I enjoyed it. Click here to view the article

“When I realized there wasn’t room for another fake baseball column, I picked up the clay and became one with it.”Corey Bulow, 36, has written about baseball his entire adult life. Even in the off-season, he’s found enough material in winter baseball and hot stove speculation to keep posting. The COVID-19 outbreak has proven to be a content challenge he can’t surmount. “There’s just nothing to write about,” said the Pine City native. “I could probably wring 250 words out of Tyler Clippard doing a long toss in his backyard, but I don’t even have that. It’s depressing.” The phenomenon of simulated games intrigued Bulow at first, but he soon realized he was late to the party. “People are firing up simulations of the cancelled games. People are pitting classic teams against one another. I assume there’s a hundred old-timey nerds doing a Strat-O-Matic tournament. All the fake baseball is already snatched up.” That’s when he realized he had one path available to him: Pottery. “I live out in the sticks, and someone decided to use our grove as a place to leave all their junk,” said Bulow. “At first I was mad, but some of the stuff that wasn’t old paint cans was worthwhile.” One of those things: an actual kiln. “You don’t come across a kiln too often in the middle of the woods. It sparked something in me. I was reborn.” Bulow has been fascinated by pottery since his childhood. “My grandma took a ceramics class when I was a kid,” said the furloughed bar manager. “She wasn’t very good at it, and the only thing she made me was an ashtray. I was seven. Still, I always wanted to learn how she did it. And with all this extra time on my hands, it was time to throw the clay.” In the three weeks that he’s been a potter, he’s learned one important thing. “This is really hard. You know how in Ghost where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze’s spirit make a beautiful pot? Yeah, that’s not happening. I’ve made a bowl and a cup and they look like I’m making fun of bowls and cups.” Bulow says he’s not giving up. Yet. “I’m going to try and make a vase tomorrow. But it would be suuuuuper cool if I woke up and there was a vaccine instead. If that happens, I’m just going to go and buy a vase.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

The Rutherford Elementary student who pitched the “everyone goes to Arizona for the summer” idea says he will consider new initiatives after snack time.Major League Baseball’s proposal to start the season in May in front of empty Arizona stadiums received a mixed response earlier this week. Some, understandably desperate for baseball/any kind of sports, were enthusiastic. Others, including players themselves, were much more skeptical, citing issues from lack of medical testing to players abandoning their families for four months during a pandemic to support staff logistics to the fact that Arizona is 400 degrees in the summer. Now, the child who hatched the initial plan is being asked to keep the idea train rolling. “I like baseball,” said Timmy Tompkins, age 8. “OK, string cheese time.” The Stillwater 2nd-grader’s initial pitch was part of a creative writing exercise during his class’ distance learning. The crayon-drenched missive found its way to MLB headquarters, where it soon caught on with the Commissioner’s office and some team owners. League sources say they did not know the age of the proposal’s author (“We thought a Canseco brother sent it,” said one executive) or his characterization of PBS’ Daniel Tiger as “kind of lame.” “All options are on the table for the 2020 season,” said a source familiar with Commissioner Rob Manfred’s thinking. “The Arizona proposal is one of a number of alternatives under consideration, and we’re asking stakeholders and people with the game’s best interests at heart to keep brainstorming, regardless of bedtime.” Tompkins’ parents say that his proposals for Home Run Karate, Christmas Every Month, and Pudding Wednesdays have not received as much traction. For his part, Tompkins is enthusiastic about getting back to the drawing board. “I bet they could play on the moon,” mused Tompkins. “Astronaut dingers!” Image license here. Click here to view the article

In previous installments of this series, I’ve recommended full television series that are anywhere from seven to 78 hours of entertainment. Today I offer you a simple, two-hour movie. It’s nice.I should note that it should not be a just a two-hour endeavor. There should be multiple, bloated sequels with unnecessary cameos and soundtrack contributions from, say, Post Malone. There should be t-shirts in Target with quotes from it. There should be midnight showings of it at the kind of movie theaters where the marquee has jokes from the staff on it. There should just be more, dammit. The movie is 2016’s The Nice Guys. Set in 1977, it follows the adventures of two private detectives (Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling) as they get the absolute hell beat out of them while solving the disappearance of a girl named Amelia. It also involves the American auto industry, post-Watergate governance, adult films, single parenting, a fearsome hit man named John Boy, killer bees, and…well that’s about it. (For those who are concerned about such things, this is an R-rated film. There is nudity and violence, so careful around the kids or wait for your folks to go to bed.) Shane Black co-wrote and directed it. Shane Black is also responsible for Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Iron Man 3 (secretly the best Marvel movie, please do not @ me). He's very good at the "duo tries to surmount impossible odds, usually around Christmas" genre, and this is no different. Russell Crowe is terrific as a grizzled, honorable wreck of a man named Jackson Healy. I mention him first because the rest of this post is dedicated to Ryan Gosling. You know how, when a popular actor does a “serious” Oscar-bait movie, and the ads all say “First and last name, as you’ve never seen him before?” I hate that this is a cliché, because this really is Ryan Gosling as you’ve never seen him before. Or anyone really. I’ve tried in vain to describe what Gosling does in the role of Holland March, a widower with a young daughter who is smarter and more dependable than he is. I think Spencer Hall from Banner Society called it “live-action Wile E. Coyote” and I can’t do better than that. Without spoiling too much of the movie, you can watch over the course of the film. If that doesn’t sell you I can’t help you man. You can watch it on HBO right now. Your old college roommate’s password probably still works. I can't recommend it enough. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Very few things are as good as advertised. Hype, especially in today’s overdriven media cycle, can drain the joy out of experiencing something on its own terms. Even if it’s good, you’re left wondering what all the fuss was about. But when something keeps every promise made on its behalf, like 2019 Nelson Cruz or “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger, the satisfaction is a shivering, tangible thing.Which brings us to Tiger King. The 7-part Netflix documentary is the thing the internet has decided will distract us from the slow-motion horror of the current moment. The internet, which is almost never right, is completely right about this. (Fox Sports tanning bed mishap Colin Cowherd called the show overrated. I can probably rest my case right here, but I have a word count.) I first came across the story of Joe Exotic in a Texas Monthly article last year that I forwarded to as many people as I figured had the time to read a very long, very strange piece about an Oklahoma polygamist who ran a shady wildlife park near the Texas border with side hustles in country music, YouTube celebrity, running for public office, and attempted murder. Every paragraph built on the last one in a “wait, no wait, this could not have happened” cascade of disbelief. But, well, it all did. Now, if you need further motivation to watch this DESPITE EVERYTHING YOU JUST READ, I will argue that Joe Exotic is one of the more sympathetic individuals in the story, allowing that he’s not at all a very good person (again: attempted murder). As more people get introduced, from Carole Baskin to the impossibly named Bhagavan “Doc” Antle, you will see that I’m right about this. As we look towards the long weeks ahead, you need something to marvel at, something to enjoy unreservedly and talk about in Zoom meetings with absent friends and co-workers. This is that thing, cats and kittens. Click here to view the article

In last week’s installment of What To Watch While You Wait For Baseball, I recommended Justified, a show that will appeal to a broad range of people, from me to Aaron Gleeman. This week, the going gets a little weirder. Some of you will hate the entire heck out of it. But the ones who dig it? We can hang out.The show is Patriot. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. You might hate it. You might love it more than your childhood pet. There’s no in-between. The most straightforward description of the show is that it involves a government intelligence officer attempting to prevent a foreign country from getting a nuclear bomb. You’ll notice here that it’s not called Tom Clancy’s Patriot. There’s a reason for that. John Tavner is the Patriot in question. He’s assigned to a piping manufacturer in Milwaukee (don’t ask) which leads to more discussions of how things flow from point A to point B than one would expect from a show trying to get people to watch it. Here is where I point out that he’s also a folk musician who sings songs that sometimes soundtrack his adventures. And that his government boss is his dad, who is an FBI/CIA/some secretive government concern bigshot and is played by John Locke from Lost. And that his work boss is a coke addict that truly hates him and is played by Red Forman from That ‘70s Show. And that his brother is a Texas congressperson who likes to go by Cool Rick that I recognized from a Spiderman movie. All three of them are never going to be in a better show. There’s also a character named Jack Birdbath. And a canoe. I haven’t even mentioned Ichabod or needy Dennis until now. After that, it gets weird. As mentioned, I have never seen anything quite like it. It's the Brad Radke of television shows. My friends Luke and Andrew love Patriot so much they made a podcast for a major public radio station dedicated to it. I recommend it mostly because there’s enough “Huh? Huh.” in each episode that hearing two smart dudes work through each installment helps the viewer engage with some of the strangeness. And again, you might check out after 35 minutes, and that’s fine. There are two seasons of this show. 18 episodes. Amazon Prime. Debra Winger shows up. Watch it. Let me know what you think. stevenjneuman@gmail.com. Lord knows we've got time. Image license here. Click here to view the article

So. Friday is normally when I do jokes about Mickey Hatcher and we all have a good time until someone smarter at baseball than I am posts about Max Kepler’s launch angle or Lewis Thorpe’s demotion. It’s incredibly hard to do that right now.You all know from sources more reliable for health information than this one about flattening the curves, washing your hands, and distancing your socials. What you don’t know is what you’re going to watch now that there’s no baseball (or any other sport—they canceled golf for pity’s sake) for a good month. I’m here to help. I’ve watched a lot of movies and TV. More than one should. At least that’s what I thought until now, when many, many, many people are going to be stuck, at home, looking for viewing options. After you’ve watched your DVDs of the 1987 and 1991 World Series and binged Game 5 of the 2002 ALDS on YouTube, you will be struggling. I’m going to offer a suggestion: Justified. Based on the work of legendary writer Elmore Leonard, it follows U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens as he returns to his childhood home of Harlan County, Kentucky. It is, and I am not exaggerating here at all, the best TV show ever made that isn’t The Sopranos or seasons 3-8 of The Simpsons. Timothy Olyphant is Marshal Givens. I mean, he just IS. On another show he’d be the clear highlight, but on Justified he isn’t even the best character. That’s Boyd Crowder, Raylan’s former coal mining buddy, played by Walton Goggins. The way he says “Raylan Givens” is actually better than the best moment of your life. Your marriage. Your children. Professional achievements. Personal growth through unknowable challenges. Still better. He’s that good. The rest of the cast is up to the task of playing third fiddle. Crusty boss Art. Wiseass co-workers Tim and Rachel. Love interests (who aren’t just window dressing) Ava and Winona. Father Arlo. Wynn Duffy. Mags Bennett. Loretta McCreedy. DEWEY CROWE. Since everything beautiful has at least one flaw, they also cast Michael Rapaport as a southerner. We don’t talk about it much. Unlike Game of Thrones, you can dip in on a season and enjoy single episodes. Unlike Law & Order, it’s a bit serialized within seasons and rewards binge viewing. And by all accounts many of you are going to have time to binge. Hulu just acquired the rights to all the FX Network’s programs, and you can find it there. I am told by reliable sources the DVDs can be acquired online or even checked out from your public library, so go with that if it’s better for your situation. And most of all, please wash your hands. Click here to view the article