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The former Twin’s confrontation with Manny Machado might well have caused “mass chaos, Anderson-on-Anderson violence.”Brusdar Graterol is no longer a Twin. In what looks like a trade that worked for both teams, the Los Angeles Dodgers acquired him in exchange for Kenta Maeda. The latter being part of the Cy Young conversation eases the sting of parting with a dazzling prospect like Graterol. But that might not be the only benefit of the trade. “If Graterol celebrates like that in a Twins uniform, it very well may have torn the fanbase asunder, never to be joined again,” said Jeremy Hornbacher, a Hamline grad student specializing in Minnesota sports pathology. Hornbacher is referencing the flame-throwing reliever throwing his glove and cap in the air to celebrate Clay Bellinger’s game-saving catch in the 7th inning of the Dodgers’ 6-5 defeat of the Padres on Wednesday. San Diego’s Manny Machado clearly took exception, mouthing “[Expletive] you” and “I’ll be waiting for you” to Graterol. The pitcher responded by blowing him a kiss. “Minnesota has two very strong fan cultures that meet in certain spots and diverge in others,” said Hornbacher. “One is unreasonably defensive of the hometown team’s players, and one is pathologically obsessed with playing the game the ‘right’ way, whatever that means. “Graterol doing that in a Twins uniform, much less in a playoff game? The result would have been mass chaos, Anderson-on-Anderson violence across the state.” Hornbacher says years of analysis led him to this conclusion. “Going all the way back to 1961, I’ve not found one instance of a Minnesota fan acknowledging that the opposition had a valid concern regarding the behavior of a Minneapolis or St. Paul-based athlete,” said the Roseville native. “This runs headlong into the more recent phenomenon of people with mortgages and kids calling KFAN to deride players as knuckleheads or prima donnas for showing the barest hint of emotion.” When asked to speculate on the toll this would take, Hornbacher shuddered. “I think we’d lose Willmar,” said Hornbacher. “Entire towns just…gone. That trade not only solidified the rotation, it saved lives.” Click here to view the article

The last time the Minnesota Twins won a playoff game, Shark Tale was the #1 movie in America. Rather than revisit the relentless sadness factory that is the Minnesota Twins in the postseason, here is a review of that film.The first thing you need to know about Shark Tale, an animated movie aimed at a family audience and young people, is that it constantly references mob movies/television like The Godfather and Goodfellas. It features voice acting from Robert DeNiro, Martin Scorsese, Michael Imperioli, even Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore from The Sopranos. This means that at no point in the years-long process of developing this film did anyone say, “Hold up folks, how many kindergartners have a working knowledge of the John Cazale oeuvre?” The other thing you need to know is that there was another, better animated movie about ocean creatures released the previous year called Finding Nemo. These films were allegedly developed at the same time, with the main difference being that Finding Nemo is good and Shark Tale has Angelina Jolie and references to a movie from 1972. The plot follows Oscar (voiced by Will Smith, TV’s The Fresh Prince), a working-class fish who works at a whale-washing business and dreams of a better life. He finds himself in debt and his friend Angie (Renee Zellweger, Empire Records) gives him a pearl to pay it off. He instead wagers it on a sea horse race—they’re underwater, remember—and the sea horse he bets on loses. Oscar finds himself, um, underwater with the mafia sharks, who come to collect. Ernie and Bernie (Ziggy Marley and Doug E. Doug, because why not) subdue him, but he’s freed by Lenny (Jack Black, one half of acoustic rock duo Tenacious D), a vegetarian shark who refuses to eat him. Lenny’s brother Frankie (Imperioli, Christahfuh) finds this appalling and attacks Oscar, but is felled by a falling anchor. Oscar’s fellow sea creatures believe he killed Frankie, and he doesn’t disabuse him of that notion. And there’s the plot driver for the rest of the film, as Oscar exploits his reputation as a shark conqueror for the recognition he’s always craved, losing true friends like Angie, angering the big shark mob boss (DeNiro, Dirty Grandpa), and getting a hot new fish girlfriend (Jolie, Hackers). Does Oscar get found out? Does he realize that living a virtuous, honest life is more important than money? Did I already mention that Peter Falk (Lieutenant Columbo) plays a leopard shark with gastrointestinal issues? I give this film 2 out of 4 stars, and you can find it on DVD at every Goodwill and rummage sale in the United States of America. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Novelty bikini briefs turn into ‘a perfect machine of groin havoc.’Earlier this week, Josh Donaldson ordered customized robes for his fellow Minnesota Twins. The positive impact on clubhouse morale was immediate and they soon became a social and traditional media sensation. The follow-up is markedly less successful and leaves the team in dire straits entering the season’s final weekend. Sources close to the squad say that over a dozen Twins are headed to the 10-day injured list due to issues stemming from custom embroidered powder blue bikini briefs with red lettering they received after Wednesday’s 7-6 victory over Detroit. “The players got back to their lockers and found this custom underwear waiting for them,” said a clubhouse source. “Number in front, name in back. Lotta guys threw ‘em on after showering before heading back to the hotel. The problems became apparent shortly thereafter.” The issues derived from two main sources: Stitching described as “razor-like” and the blue and red dyes seeping into the skin upon contact. They are the main ingredients in what a team official described as “a perfect machine of groin havoc.” “The seams of the underwear basically acted like an emery board made out of slivers on the bikini area,” said the official. “Once the dye chemicals soaked into the abrasions, it became a disaster.” “It looks like Chernobyl down there,” said one unnamed Twin. “My god. My god.” “Everything is wrong,” said another. “The EMT said it looked like I gave birth to an angry Muppet.” The team is not naming the players until all their families can be notified, nor are they revealing who provided the controversial briefs. Multiple media reports say that the logo for Windel Qual International, a Berlin-based company that manufactures chocolates, stainless steel cutlery, and adult novelties, could be seen on the underwear, turning attention to Germany's own Max Kepler. The outfielder could not be reached for comment. Unconfirmed reports say he might be out of action the longest. “He had a special thong-style one,” said a veteran Twins pitcher who asked not to be identified. “His (expletive) hinder looks like a (expletive) abattoir.” Click here to view the article

“It’s like riding a bike made of spite and angry thoughts.”Brandon Kennedy didn’t see it coming. “I knew going into the series this was a big deal, especially with Cleveland falling apart,” said the Richfield-based copywriter. “But it’s been so long since the (Chicago) White Sox were worth a damn, it was hard to get too fired up about it. “That’s not a problem anymore.” In the wake of Chicago taking 3 out of 4 from the Twins and clinching a playoff berth, Kennedy said old grievances were born anew in the churning tumult of his blistering rage. “Between the umpires putting on a clown show all week and the wretched White Sox themselves, I’ve never been more furious,” said Kennedy. “Once again, I hate the Chicago White Sox.” Kennedy claims the transition was as effortless as it was quick. “I’m just sitting there, thinking of how fun Luis Robert and Tim Anderson are to watch, and all of a sudden I realize the Commissioner should transfer them to any of the 31 teams that are better than the Chicago White Sox, a vile and ugly franchise loved only by perverts and criminals. Rediscovering that visceral disgust in my heart, it’s like riding a bike made of spite and angry thoughts.” With the playoffs looming, Kennedy claims his righteous fury will not abate in the waning days of the regular season. “You know, Disco Demolition Night was misguided, as disco music itself was and is fine,” said Kennedy, referring to the 1979 stunt gone wrong that caused the White Sox to forfeit a home game. “But there’s no reason we shouldn’t revisit burning Comiskey Park or whatever it’s called this year to the ground and salting the earth to keep it from harming anyone ever again. Let the team play in Buffalo next year so their fans, unloved by God, can get back to their true passions of wheelchair theft and swindling the elderly.” “I don’t like the White Sox,” he concluded. Click here to view the article

Cleveland and Chicago are formidable opponents but don’t take your eye off the ball.With the three AL Central leaders separated by a game and a half and the Twins lined up to play the other two back-to-back, it’s critical to remember the important thing: The Yankees straight-up suck right now. The persistent cause of Minnesota’s postseason nightmares is currently in the depths of a 5-15 slide and it’s important to recognize that this is hilarious. Take in a deep breath and laugh the kind of laugh that rings with joy and merriment and makes others laugh with you. The Yankees are bad at baseball and you love to see it. It’s great, and you shouldn’t be ashamed for enjoying it. Relish their misery. It whips ass. There are extenuating circumstances if you’re inclined to sympathy. Unlike any other team in baseball, the Yankees have injuries. Unlike any other team in baseball, the Yankees have critical players in prolonged slumps. Name one other team that could overcome injuries or slumps, much less both simultaneously. It can’t be done! You might think that the crucial matter at hand is fending off Cleveland and Chicago for the AL Central crown in this last frenzied quarter of the truncated season. You are thinking wrong. All three teams are going to get in, home field doesn’t exist, and any division pennant from 2020 is going to have an asterisk larger than the champion’s logo. Focus on what’s important. Focus on the Yankees being an epic trainwreck. This coming weekend promises to be filled with distractions for local sports fans. Not only are Minnesota and Cleveland battling at Target Field, the Vikings make their 2020 debut against the hated Packers. There are NBA and NHL playoffs. The Lynx and the Loons are playing. There’s even a slate of college football games on Saturday and the US Open at Flushing Meadows. It’s a staggering buffet of sports action. And I’m asking you to please spare an eyeball for the upstart Baltimore Orioles (only two games below .500!) as they battle the Bronx Bombers. New York is clinging to the last playoff spot in the AL at this writing. Would be a shame if they lost it at the hands of a team that went 54-108 in 2019. A damn shame. Click here to view the article

"I don't know what it means either."Longtime Twins color commentator Bert Blyleven signed off after 25 years in the booth with Dick Bremer on Wednesday night, but not before revealing a startling secret about one of his favorite pitching aphorisms. “The downward plane isn’t real,” said the Hall of Fame pitcher. “I made it up just to see if (Twins play-by-play voice Dick) Bremer would repeat it. Totally worked. Totally worth it.” Longtime viewers will no doubt recall Blyleven’s constant exhortations for pitchers to “maintain a downward plane” as they offered up a fastball. It appears that it was another ruse in the prank enthusiast’s arsenal. “’Maintain’ and ‘plane’ sound good together, but beyond that it’s nonsense,” said Blyleven. “I came up with it the same day I…left a present in Dick’s suitcase in Kansas City.” [unconfirmed reports say the present in question was a human poop.] Bremer could not be reached for comment on the revelation, although sources close to the veteran broadcaster said he has been staring into the middle distance for hours as a single tear slowly rolled down his cheek, an unlit cigarette dangling from the left corner of his mouth. “25 years (of Blyleven) takes a toll on anyone,” said one person close to Bremer. “On (Justin) Morneau’s first night in the booth, Dick asked him when he was going to give him a hotfoot, or if he planned to ‘press ham’ on the driver’s side window of his Honda Civic in the employee parking lot. Justin was perplexed. Dick just assumes anyone who is in the booth with him is going to engage in an unrelenting, multi-front prank spree. It’s why he’s in therapy.” For his part, Blyleven says he’s grateful that his addition to the baseball lexicon became so pervasive. “If just one kid learns that he can torture a co-worker with goofs and fart noises spanning decades, man, that’s the dream,” said Blyleven. “Lots of people come up to me and say they grew up watching me on TV. And you can just tell that they’re going to put their partner’s hand in a glass of lukewarm tap water while they sleep. I just hope they remember to put peanut butter in their shorts. Never let up.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Be grateful that they ever were.You know the type. He might even be you. “I don’t get into politics.” “Both sides drive me nuts.” “Can’t we just watch the game?” I’d prefer not to think about the state of the world right now. It’s not great! Civil unrest and a pandemic and natural disasters and a teetering economy and an incredibly divisive political climate. All of it exacerbated by unreliable narrators on your social media platform of choice, none of it with a solid end date that allows you or me or anyone to return to “normal.” A ballgame and a cold beer or two is a goddamn welcome relief. On Thursday night, the best possible chance to distract yourself was a Twins/Tigers game. Granted, the game would have been played in front of cardboard cutouts with fake bubble hockey crowd noise because of one of those things you’d prefer to get away from. The teams took that option off the board when they decided not to play due to the seven bullets fired into Jacob Blake's back in Kenosha, Wisconsin. (If that sentence made you uncomfortable, the bullets felt worse.) You might take issue with the Twins taking the night off. After all, you don’t get to take the day off when something upsets your political sensibilities. To which I can only offer the following baseball-centric response: tough hop. Or, if you’d rather: Facts don’t care about your feelings. Labor doesn’t have much leverage in 2020. The Twins and Tigers have a measure of it. They’re using it. You’re welcome to disagree, or even walk away from the teams and the sport entirely. The thing is, wherever you end up trying to escape the outside world, reality is going to push back. Hard. NASCAR? Nope. The movies? Yeah, no. Living in a cabin in the woods? Should probably check if they’re on fire or if the neighbors are building a helipad. The luxury of turning off the news for three hours at the yard is just that. A luxury. That some of us had it for as long as we did is astonishing. Maybe we’ll get it back someday by doing the hard work necessary to earn it. Maybe. (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

Cherubic Prior Lake second grader rains torrent of filth on family, friends.Damien Holsapple has four words for new Twins starting pitcher Rich Hill. “[expletive] thanks, Mr. Hill!” Holsapple, who begins second grade at Jeffers Pond Elementary School this fall, has watched every Twins game this year, including both of Hill’s starts. The veteran starter’s colorful language, easy to pick up without any fans in attendance, has made quite the impact on the precocious youngster. “That son of a [expletive] said a lot of cool [expletive],” said Holsapple. “I can’t wait to tell my [expletive] teacher, that dumb [expletive]!” Holsapple’s mother says she’s concerned but is rolling with it. “Damien’s very bright and picks up on things super quickly,” said Heather Stamey. “I didn’t know that the microphones were going to capture all the chatter in quite that detail and I let him know those words were not OK. Going forward I told him he should just watch with the volume down, like his father does when (Bert) Blyleven is on the broadcast.” For his part, Damien is just happy to discover new frontiers in language and personal expression. “[Religious expletive] tapdancing [religious expletive], this summer was pretty [expletive] lame until baseball happened,” said Holsapple. “[Expletive], I don’t even know what the [expletive] tapdancing is, but the way Mr. Hill says it makes it sound [expletive] awesome.” Damien says he’s also been sharing some of the new words with his younger sister, Alice, who recently turned four. “When Mom told her it was time for bed last night, Alice said ‘Kiss my [expletive] [expletive] you [expletive] Irish [expletive], that was a [expletive] strike,’” said Damien. “Mom got pretty mad but I saw Dad laughing really [expletive] hard behind her. I told Alice to put a [expletive] baseball glove over her mouth next time she wants to use the fun words like Mr. Hill does when he doesn’t want those [expletive] humps in blue to hear him.” Click here to view the article

From positioning to footwork to jumping, the Twins are doing all they can to help Byron Buxton stay healthy in the field during his blistering run at the plate. And they're not done yet.In The Athletic on Thursday, pro bono Yangtze Restaurant Public Relations Manager Aaron Gleeman wrote about the new approaches the Twins are taking to protect Byron Buxton from himself. Twins Daily dug deeper to see how the team plans to keep their star-crossed center fielder healthy. Remove outfield walls in Target Field. While this might seem controversial, team officials say putting down some painter’s tape where the wall would otherwise be might pass muster. “Can’t run into a wall if there’s no wall,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “Dick Bremer’s brother-in-law is a contractor and he’s volunteered to come in to tape it all up, and we can just put down a bunch of comfortable pillows behind the tape for Byron to land in softly and safe from harm.”Make his uniform out of his sliding glove. Buxton’s oven mitt-sized glove helps prevent hand injuries during the speedster’s head-first slides. “What we’re thinking is, make the jersey, the pants, the stirrups, everything out of that material,” said a source close to the coaching staff. “We built a prototype and had Jake Cave try it on. Unfortunately, it’s very bulky. He was bullied by some local teens who chased him down as he attempted to waddle away and they gave him swirlies and at least one purple nurple. So we’re still a ways off.” Cave is listed as day-to-day (America’s bullying crisis) on the team’s injury report.Russian vaccines. When Vladimir Putin announced that his country had developed an effective COVID-19 vaccine, many were skeptical. The Twins were not. “There’s a chance it might be BS, but what if it works,” asked a clubhouse source. “Let’s just say we’re better safe than sorry with Byron.” Another source revealed that the Pohlad family acquired a vaccine sample in exchange for Bill Pohlad filming his next three musician biopics in Russia. “We gave a test injection to Caleb Thielbar and it’s…well, do you know if he glowed in the dark the first time he was on the team?” Thielbar is listed as day-to-day (early onset Dr. Manhattan-ism) on the team’s injury report, while shooting on the life story of Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne begins in Volgograd in mid-2021.The team says it will continue looking to innovate as the season continues. “I know there’s a whiteboard in Thad Levine’s office that just says ‘PARACHUTES’ with a few question marks after it,” said the front office source. “Everything’s on the table.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

“Please. Let us have this.”Hello current Minnesota Twins. We, the 1974 Minnesota Twins, want to congratulate you on your hot start to this abbreviated season. It shows a great deal of resilience and mental toughness to not only take the field, but to have one of the best records in the league. That said, you are also on track to shatter our record for worst home attendance in a non-strike Minnesota Twins season. Yes, there’s an asterisk because of all the health cautions, but someday in the future a kid is going to open a record book or use their Google phones and see 2020 as the rock bottom for paid attendance. It’s not fair. We had a good team in 1974. We had three Hall of Famers—Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew, and Bert Blyleven. We had Tony Oliva. We finished above .500! Tickets were cheap and concessions were cheaper. And NOBODY SHOWED UP. 660,000 people made their way to Bloomington. Dead last in the league. 12th out of 12. AGAIN: WE HAD ROD CAREW. Maybe people were afraid they’d miss something during the Watergate hearings. Maybe they were afraid a random Minnesota Viking would throw up on them at the Steak ‘n Ale on 494. Maybe they couldn’t believe it was 1974 and Harmon Killebrew was still playing baseball. Maybe they just hated Calvin. Maybe there was an Eagles concert at the Met Center and everyone was getting blitzed in the parking lot. It was 46 years ago, it’s hard to pinpoint an exact reason. But the thing is, Met Stadium was empty. Not even the late-‘90s Twins bottomed out like that. And they have Pelting Chuck Knoblauch With Various Objects Night to hang onto. We’ve got nothing but those 660,000 hearty souls who would show up to watch Tom Burgmeier and Bill Hands. (Yeah, that’s right. We had a player named Bill Hands. What a ridiculous name! You’d know that if you’d have been there, but you weren’t.) Our request: Don’t even note this year’s attendance. Pretend it didn’t happen. Please. Let us have this. Warmest personal regards, The 1974 Minnesota Twins Image license here. Click here to view the article

“As long as I just focus on Nelson Cruz annihilating baseballs and put my phone in airplane mode, I can ignore all of it.”Ethan Miller wasn’t sure how he’d react. “You look at how the virus is very much not under control in many parts of the country. The testing shortages and delays are back for pretty much everyone except athletes. No one really knows what the best way forward is with schools. “But man, did you see Rich Hill last night? That was awesome.” Miller, a St. Peter-based financial adviser, has watched every Twins game along with a handful of others since the season started. He says that a solid background in enjoying things he maybe shouldn’t helped him deal with watching baseball during a pandemic. “My favorite singer growing up, bar none, was Michael Jackson,” said the 46-year-old father of three. “I just heard ‘Billie Jean’ on the oldies station and turned it up. This was the same day I re-watched (Roman Polanski’s) Chinatown for like the 50th time. So, yeah.” Miller says his ability to compartmentalize goes beyond his entertainment preferences. “My doctor said I really need to watch my cholesterol, especially given my family’s history of heart disease,” said Miller. “Yesterday, after horfing down my Chipotle order with extra sour cream and chasing it with a large fountain Coke, I definitely thought of that.” While the MLB outbreak appears to be limited to the Miami Marlins so far, Miller is prepared to deal with any further incidents on a case-by-case basis. “Yeah, if it’s just a random guy or two here and there, I think I can deal with my conscience pretty easy,” Miller said, tugging at the collar of his Adrian Peterson jersey. “But if I wake up and see that half the Rangers have it, it could take me a good hour or two of nagging self-doubt before getting back to normal.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Kelley Vogt has been waiting for the Twins to take the field in a game that counts for months. He might not see it.“Magnum’s on, man. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” The Magnum in question is Thomas Magnum, protagonist of TV’s Magnum P.I. The long-running CBS drama airs nightly on a Minneapolis network station from 7-10 pm. And Vogt can’t get enough. “He solves mysteries, he gets in fights, he hangs out with his buddies, and argues with Higgins,” said Vogt. “Occasionally he has a girlfriend, but it usually ends badly. “And he has access to a helicopter,” added the 41-year-old programmer and season ticket holder. Vogt claims he’s never gotten into “Marvel movies, Game of Thrones, (stuff) like that” because he hates having to follow multiple storylines. “I use a scorecard at the ballgame, I don’t need to use it to figure out who’s having sex with who in a show about dragons,” said Vogt. “I put Magnum on, they wrap the story up, another episode starts, and there’s your Tuesday night, brother.” When asked if this routine hadn’t itself become the equivalent of binging a Netflix or HBO show with labyrinthine plot twists, Vogt quietly admitted that it was possible. “Magnum has a kickass car,” Vogt noted. With the opener looming on Friday night and no easy answers, the Lonsdale native said he may have found an answer in the past. “Someone on Facebook marketplace is selling a working VCR and a whole pile of blank video cassettes,” said Vogt. “$10 or best offer, I just have to drive to New Market and get it. I know I can probably find them on YouTube or something, but I like the commercials. Figure I can tape Magnum and watch the game on my laptop.” Vogt paused. “I can also watch Magnum and tape the Twins game. Think Magnum and Higgins are going to London to meet Higgins’ dad. Can you even imagine?” Image license here. Click here to view the article