RandBalls Stu

Beloved utility player considers an unorthodox approach to epidemiology.Sources close to former Minnesota Twins infielder Nick Punto say the retired major leaguer has taken an interest in public health and using his unique skill set to mitigate the COVID-19 outbreak. “He’s done the reading, he’s aware of the vaccine progress, and now he has one question,” said a source familiar with Punto’s thinking. “What if you slide headfirst into it?” Punto, long recognized for his scrappy, hustling style of play, became a folk hero for his tendency to slide headfirst into first base on close plays, despite it demonstrably being the worst thing you can do, both in efficacy and injury risk. “Nick recognizes the incredible work our brave medical professionals are doing to save lives, and he wants to do his part,” said a former teammate who is in the SHREDDERS group chat with Punto and other ex-Twins. “He’s proposing finding the virus, sizing it up, and sliding headfirst into it.” Punto made clear this was not a metaphor for social distancing or mask-wearing, but rather the physical act of sliding headfirst into the deadly virus. “He’s a firm believer in getting after it and want-to, and we all ‘want to’ crush this virus,” said a third source. “It’s right in Nick’s wheelhouse, which is wanting to slide headfirst into things.” Dr. Michael Osterholm, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy, disputes the efficacy of Punto’s plan. “No, it won’t work,” said Osterholm. “It’s impossible. This is impossible. Why are you asking me about this?” For his part, Punto is characterized as remaining motivated to make a difference in the COVID battle. “He had a lot of people throughout his career tell him to stop sliding headfirst into first base,” said the former teammate. “All I know is he has a World Series ring now, and a lot of those guys don’t. Scoreboard.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

AL Central contender adds more veteran leadership for young ballclub with all-time wins leader. Some critics disagree.The Chicago White Sox announced Thursday that they’re adding another Hall of Fame manager to DUI enthusiast Tony La Russa’s coaching staff. “We’re incredibly thrilled to announce that Connie Mack will be our bench coach for the 2020 season,” said White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf. Mack, who has been dead since 1956, holds the major league record for managerial wins, losses, and total games. “With so many exciting young players on our team, getting proven leaders on board to help guide this ship and take that next step in the playoffs is critical,” said Reinsdorf. “Connie fits this bill perhaps better than anyone.” Reaction to the hire was mixed. “He’s been dead since 1956,” said ESPN’s Jeff Passan. “I’d note that he also never managed a Black or Hispanic player and the inherent cultural differences that might entail, but the overriding concern from the sources I’ve spoken with is that he died many, many years ago. It’s a heavy lift.” “Tony La Russa is a Hall of Fame baseball guy,” said Reinsdorf. “And the critics had their knives out for him. I’m not surprised by this reaction by bloggers and so-called journalists chasing clicks. It’s disappointing.” Mack’s ancestors could not be reached for comment. His remains are interred at the Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Glenside, Pennsylvania. “Between Tony and Connie, we added a century of baseball knowledge in one offseason,” said Reinsdorf. “Some teams are parting with their best players or are more worried about getting their financial house in order. We’re going for it. I think it says a lot about the Chicago White Sox organization.” “He’s dead. He’s been dead for a very long time,” noted Passan. Click here to view the article

Team hopes unconventional strategy will end postseason slump.The Houston Astros defeated the Minnesota Twins 4-1 in Game 1 of the 2020 AL Wild Card round. Or did they? Lawyers for the Minnesota Twins have asked Major League Baseball to stop the innings count of Game 1 after the fifth inning, with the Twins leading 1-0. “A game can be official after five innings of play,” said Byron Fredrickson, the team’s lead attorney. “It’s a foundational rule of baseball that goes back over a century. Our request is simple: the four subsequent innings unfairly changed the result of the first five innings. We ask the league to overturn this result, restore justice to Game 1, and allow the Twins and Astros to play a decisive Game 3.” Major League Baseball did not respond for multiple requests to comment. “The special circumstances of the short season, paired with the clear bias against the Twins that began with Phil Cuzzi robbing Joe Mauer of an obvious extra-base hit in the 2009 ALDS, makes it critical that the innings stop at five,” said Fredrickson. “It’s an official game. No one denies this. The silence of the commissioner’s office and the complicit media lapdogs is noticeable and it is shameful.” When asked if this would be unfair to the Astros, Fredrickson said the Twins welcomed them to join the proceedings. “We’ll provide a trash can and a wooden spoon for them to file their appeal if they so choose,” said Fredrickson. Legal experts and baseball historians have characterized the Twins’ petition as “insane,” “the product of emotionally damaged men,” and “funny, but not ha-ha funny.” Fredrickson brushed those criticisms aside. “At the end of the day, what matters isn’t the slings and arrows of compromised elites, what matters is the truth, and that truth is that games are official after the fifth inning. God bless the Minnesota Twins, and God bless America.” Click here to view the article

“Every season, there’s a guy who’s just a weapons-grade dink. He deserves recognition.”Last week, the Twin Cities chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America announced the winners of their end-of-year Diamond Awards. In addition to Minnesota Twins MVP, Rookie of the Year, and other honors, they also bequeath a Media Good Guy award. This year it was Twins reliever and union rep Taylor Rogers. Next year, he’ll have a counterpart. “In 2021, we’re looking to recognize the biggest horse’s ass in the Twins clubhouse,” said Star Tribune Twins beat writer LaVelle E. Neal III. “It’s why we’re rolling out the Media Bad Guy Award.” The 60-year-old Neal said the writers will weigh several factors in deciding the winner. “It’s not just going to be a way to get back at guys who don’t want to give a quote after a tough loss,” said Neal. “Does he also deliver two dozen pizzas to our hotel room, or send one of the clubhouse attendants to let the air out of our tires? We need a full suite of jerk-dom, a real bastard’s bastard.” “Every season, there’s a guy who’s just a weapons-grade dink,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “He deserves recognition. ‘No comment’ is amateur hour. Stealing my phone and texting ‘Save 50% on a one-year subscription to The Athletic using the code DANHAYESHEARTEMOJIBINLADEN’ to my family’s group chat is the dedication to being a complete jag that we’re looking for.” Hayes added that you can save 50% on a one-year subscription to The Athletic using the code HOTSTOVE2020. Neal said the only potential snag is the current roster. “Most of these guys are good dudes or at least respectful,” said Neal. “But there will be some turnover this winter, and you’ve gotta figure one of the new guys will be a total wad. Or maybe the short season prevented one of the current players from embracing his inner creep. It's the beauty of a long season. Boy scout in spring training, wearing a fedora in September.” (Hat tip to Jim Andrews for the inspiration on this. Not the ACL guy.) Click here to view the article

“We’re incredibly proud of Dustin and the fearless team of puppeteers that controls his every move.”Although Dustin May’s appearance in Game 2 of the World Series didn’t go to plan, at least one group of fans was pleased with his performance. “Just taking the mound was a big moment for Dustin,” said Jeffrey Dunn, CEO of Children’s Television Workshop. “It was big moment for all of us here.” Dunn was referencing the fact that Children’s Television Workshop (CTW), home of Big Bird, Miss Piggy, and Elmo, created May in the late summer of 1997. He is the first Muppet to pitch in a World Series. “We’re incredibly proud of Dustin and the fearless team of puppeteers that controls his every move,” said Dunn. “We know they have the ability to bounce back if the Dodgers call his number again.” May, originally called Red Strummer, was originally slated to replace Floyd Pepper as the bassist for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem when Pepper joined the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. When the latter broke up due to a dispute over songwriting credits, Pepper returned to the Mayhem and May was repurposed as a baseball Muppet. “We had this super athletic and lanky Muppet with electric stuff,” said one former CTW employee. “Word got out pretty damn quick. The Dodgers were scouting the Sesame Street set for months, just glad to see him and the seven people who control his arms, legs, and facial expressions get to baseball’s biggest stage.” May is not to be confused with the similar-looking Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner, who is an old-timey gold prospector trapped in an era not his own, per multiple MLB sources. “Yeah, we get asked about (Turner) a lot,” said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts. “He’s definitely not a Muppet. For one thing, he goes through more hardtack and pemmican than any ballplayer I’ve seen since Rich Hill. He also says ‘Gooold. Goooooold.’ He says it a lot.” Click here to view the article

The world of baseball is buzzing after a milestone debate took place in the comments of Greta Larson’s Facebook page Thursday night.It started simply enough. Greta Larson, a Minneapolis-based IT consultant, noted that she was “Bummed that the Twins weren’t in it, but she was pulling for the Rays to beat the Astros” on her Facebook page. This innocuous post led to a 116-comment debate between Mike Dwyer and Russ Gallatin, acquaintances of Larson from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. The subject? The merits of analytics vs. “playing the game.” The result? Meandering, occasionally heated, and entirely unsatisfactory. What makes this one different is that it’s believed to be the 100,000th debate on this shopworn topic. “We keep track of everything, and I mean everything, so when this came across the wire at HQ, it was hard to miss,” said Scott Bush, CEO of SABR. “This was 100,000. It’s a milestone of sorts. “I should emphasize it is not a good milestone. I hate it very much and it makes me yearn for the cold dark of the grave.” Gallatin thought he had a shot at convince Dwyer of his profound ignorance. “Any honest person knows that the analytics increase your odds for success, but they don’t guarantee it,” said the Duluth (MN) resident. “Then he asked me how many rings Billy Beane has. I mean, what do you do with that?” For his part, Dwyer was taken aback by how his unassailable logic was so casually disregarded. “Reggie Jackson didn’t hit three dingers in the Game 6 of the 1977 World Series because some Poindexter showed him a bar graph,” said the Wheaton (IL) native. “He just wanted it more than the opposing pitcher. It’s an open-and-shut case, but he refused to see it that way. I’m legitimately surprised.” Larson says she has unfriended both men. Image license here. Click here to view the article

The former Twin’s confrontation with Manny Machado might well have caused “mass chaos, Anderson-on-Anderson violence.”Brusdar Graterol is no longer a Twin. In what looks like a trade that worked for both teams, the Los Angeles Dodgers acquired him in exchange for Kenta Maeda. The latter being part of the Cy Young conversation eases the sting of parting with a dazzling prospect like Graterol. But that might not be the only benefit of the trade. “If Graterol celebrates like that in a Twins uniform, it very well may have torn the fanbase asunder, never to be joined again,” said Jeremy Hornbacher, a Hamline grad student specializing in Minnesota sports pathology. Hornbacher is referencing the flame-throwing reliever throwing his glove and cap in the air to celebrate Clay Bellinger’s game-saving catch in the 7th inning of the Dodgers’ 6-5 defeat of the Padres on Wednesday. San Diego’s Manny Machado clearly took exception, mouthing “[Expletive] you” and “I’ll be waiting for you” to Graterol. The pitcher responded by blowing him a kiss. “Minnesota has two very strong fan cultures that meet in certain spots and diverge in others,” said Hornbacher. “One is unreasonably defensive of the hometown team’s players, and one is pathologically obsessed with playing the game the ‘right’ way, whatever that means. “Graterol doing that in a Twins uniform, much less in a playoff game? The result would have been mass chaos, Anderson-on-Anderson violence across the state.” Hornbacher says years of analysis led him to this conclusion. “Going all the way back to 1961, I’ve not found one instance of a Minnesota fan acknowledging that the opposition had a valid concern regarding the behavior of a Minneapolis or St. Paul-based athlete,” said the Roseville native. “This runs headlong into the more recent phenomenon of people with mortgages and kids calling KFAN to deride players as knuckleheads or prima donnas for showing the barest hint of emotion.” When asked to speculate on the toll this would take, Hornbacher shuddered. “I think we’d lose Willmar,” said Hornbacher. “Entire towns just…gone. That trade not only solidified the rotation, it saved lives.” Click here to view the article

The last time the Minnesota Twins won a playoff game, Shark Tale was the #1 movie in America. Rather than revisit the relentless sadness factory that is the Minnesota Twins in the postseason, here is a review of that film.The first thing you need to know about Shark Tale, an animated movie aimed at a family audience and young people, is that it constantly references mob movies/television like The Godfather and Goodfellas. It features voice acting from Robert DeNiro, Martin Scorsese, Michael Imperioli, even Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore from The Sopranos. This means that at no point in the years-long process of developing this film did anyone say, “Hold up folks, how many kindergartners have a working knowledge of the John Cazale oeuvre?” The other thing you need to know is that there was another, better animated movie about ocean creatures released the previous year called Finding Nemo. These films were allegedly developed at the same time, with the main difference being that Finding Nemo is good and Shark Tale has Angelina Jolie and references to a movie from 1972. The plot follows Oscar (voiced by Will Smith, TV’s The Fresh Prince), a working-class fish who works at a whale-washing business and dreams of a better life. He finds himself in debt and his friend Angie (Renee Zellweger, Empire Records) gives him a pearl to pay it off. He instead wagers it on a sea horse race—they’re underwater, remember—and the sea horse he bets on loses. Oscar finds himself, um, underwater with the mafia sharks, who come to collect. Ernie and Bernie (Ziggy Marley and Doug E. Doug, because why not) subdue him, but he’s freed by Lenny (Jack Black, one half of acoustic rock duo Tenacious D), a vegetarian shark who refuses to eat him. Lenny’s brother Frankie (Imperioli, Christahfuh) finds this appalling and attacks Oscar, but is felled by a falling anchor. Oscar’s fellow sea creatures believe he killed Frankie, and he doesn’t disabuse him of that notion. And there’s the plot driver for the rest of the film, as Oscar exploits his reputation as a shark conqueror for the recognition he’s always craved, losing true friends like Angie, angering the big shark mob boss (DeNiro, Dirty Grandpa), and getting a hot new fish girlfriend (Jolie, Hackers). Does Oscar get found out? Does he realize that living a virtuous, honest life is more important than money? Did I already mention that Peter Falk (Lieutenant Columbo) plays a leopard shark with gastrointestinal issues? I give this film 2 out of 4 stars, and you can find it on DVD at every Goodwill and rummage sale in the United States of America. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Novelty bikini briefs turn into ‘a perfect machine of groin havoc.’Earlier this week, Josh Donaldson ordered customized robes for his fellow Minnesota Twins. The positive impact on clubhouse morale was immediate and they soon became a social and traditional media sensation. The follow-up is markedly less successful and leaves the team in dire straits entering the season’s final weekend. Sources close to the squad say that over a dozen Twins are headed to the 10-day injured list due to issues stemming from custom embroidered powder blue bikini briefs with red lettering they received after Wednesday’s 7-6 victory over Detroit. “The players got back to their lockers and found this custom underwear waiting for them,” said a clubhouse source. “Number in front, name in back. Lotta guys threw ‘em on after showering before heading back to the hotel. The problems became apparent shortly thereafter.” The issues derived from two main sources: Stitching described as “razor-like” and the blue and red dyes seeping into the skin upon contact. They are the main ingredients in what a team official described as “a perfect machine of groin havoc.” “The seams of the underwear basically acted like an emery board made out of slivers on the bikini area,” said the official. “Once the dye chemicals soaked into the abrasions, it became a disaster.” “It looks like Chernobyl down there,” said one unnamed Twin. “My god. My god.” “Everything is wrong,” said another. “The EMT said it looked like I gave birth to an angry Muppet.” The team is not naming the players until all their families can be notified, nor are they revealing who provided the controversial briefs. Multiple media reports say that the logo for Windel Qual International, a Berlin-based company that manufactures chocolates, stainless steel cutlery, and adult novelties, could be seen on the underwear, turning attention to Germany's own Max Kepler. The outfielder could not be reached for comment. Unconfirmed reports say he might be out of action the longest. “He had a special thong-style one,” said a veteran Twins pitcher who asked not to be identified. “His (expletive) hinder looks like a (expletive) abattoir.” Click here to view the article

“It’s like riding a bike made of spite and angry thoughts.”Brandon Kennedy didn’t see it coming. “I knew going into the series this was a big deal, especially with Cleveland falling apart,” said the Richfield-based copywriter. “But it’s been so long since the (Chicago) White Sox were worth a damn, it was hard to get too fired up about it. “That’s not a problem anymore.” In the wake of Chicago taking 3 out of 4 from the Twins and clinching a playoff berth, Kennedy said old grievances were born anew in the churning tumult of his blistering rage. “Between the umpires putting on a clown show all week and the wretched White Sox themselves, I’ve never been more furious,” said Kennedy. “Once again, I hate the Chicago White Sox.” Kennedy claims the transition was as effortless as it was quick. “I’m just sitting there, thinking of how fun Luis Robert and Tim Anderson are to watch, and all of a sudden I realize the Commissioner should transfer them to any of the 31 teams that are better than the Chicago White Sox, a vile and ugly franchise loved only by perverts and criminals. Rediscovering that visceral disgust in my heart, it’s like riding a bike made of spite and angry thoughts.” With the playoffs looming, Kennedy claims his righteous fury will not abate in the waning days of the regular season. “You know, Disco Demolition Night was misguided, as disco music itself was and is fine,” said Kennedy, referring to the 1979 stunt gone wrong that caused the White Sox to forfeit a home game. “But there’s no reason we shouldn’t revisit burning Comiskey Park or whatever it’s called this year to the ground and salting the earth to keep it from harming anyone ever again. Let the team play in Buffalo next year so their fans, unloved by God, can get back to their true passions of wheelchair theft and swindling the elderly.” “I don’t like the White Sox,” he concluded. Click here to view the article

Cleveland and Chicago are formidable opponents but don’t take your eye off the ball.With the three AL Central leaders separated by a game and a half and the Twins lined up to play the other two back-to-back, it’s critical to remember the important thing: The Yankees straight-up suck right now. The persistent cause of Minnesota’s postseason nightmares is currently in the depths of a 5-15 slide and it’s important to recognize that this is hilarious. Take in a deep breath and laugh the kind of laugh that rings with joy and merriment and makes others laugh with you. The Yankees are bad at baseball and you love to see it. It’s great, and you shouldn’t be ashamed for enjoying it. Relish their misery. It whips ass. There are extenuating circumstances if you’re inclined to sympathy. Unlike any other team in baseball, the Yankees have injuries. Unlike any other team in baseball, the Yankees have critical players in prolonged slumps. Name one other team that could overcome injuries or slumps, much less both simultaneously. It can’t be done! You might think that the crucial matter at hand is fending off Cleveland and Chicago for the AL Central crown in this last frenzied quarter of the truncated season. You are thinking wrong. All three teams are going to get in, home field doesn’t exist, and any division pennant from 2020 is going to have an asterisk larger than the champion’s logo. Focus on what’s important. Focus on the Yankees being an epic trainwreck. This coming weekend promises to be filled with distractions for local sports fans. Not only are Minnesota and Cleveland battling at Target Field, the Vikings make their 2020 debut against the hated Packers. There are NBA and NHL playoffs. The Lynx and the Loons are playing. There’s even a slate of college football games on Saturday and the US Open at Flushing Meadows. It’s a staggering buffet of sports action. And I’m asking you to please spare an eyeball for the upstart Baltimore Orioles (only two games below .500!) as they battle the Bronx Bombers. New York is clinging to the last playoff spot in the AL at this writing. Would be a shame if they lost it at the hands of a team that went 54-108 in 2019. A damn shame. Click here to view the article

"I don't know what it means either."Longtime Twins color commentator Bert Blyleven signed off after 25 years in the booth with Dick Bremer on Wednesday night, but not before revealing a startling secret about one of his favorite pitching aphorisms. “The downward plane isn’t real,” said the Hall of Fame pitcher. “I made it up just to see if (Twins play-by-play voice Dick) Bremer would repeat it. Totally worked. Totally worth it.” Longtime viewers will no doubt recall Blyleven’s constant exhortations for pitchers to “maintain a downward plane” as they offered up a fastball. It appears that it was another ruse in the prank enthusiast’s arsenal. “’Maintain’ and ‘plane’ sound good together, but beyond that it’s nonsense,” said Blyleven. “I came up with it the same day I…left a present in Dick’s suitcase in Kansas City.” [unconfirmed reports say the present in question was a human poop.] Bremer could not be reached for comment on the revelation, although sources close to the veteran broadcaster said he has been staring into the middle distance for hours as a single tear slowly rolled down his cheek, an unlit cigarette dangling from the left corner of his mouth. “25 years (of Blyleven) takes a toll on anyone,” said one person close to Bremer. “On (Justin) Morneau’s first night in the booth, Dick asked him when he was going to give him a hotfoot, or if he planned to ‘press ham’ on the driver’s side window of his Honda Civic in the employee parking lot. Justin was perplexed. Dick just assumes anyone who is in the booth with him is going to engage in an unrelenting, multi-front prank spree. It’s why he’s in therapy.” For his part, Blyleven says he’s grateful that his addition to the baseball lexicon became so pervasive. “If just one kid learns that he can torture a co-worker with goofs and fart noises spanning decades, man, that’s the dream,” said Blyleven. “Lots of people come up to me and say they grew up watching me on TV. And you can just tell that they’re going to put their partner’s hand in a glass of lukewarm tap water while they sleep. I just hope they remember to put peanut butter in their shorts. Never let up.” Image license here. Click here to view the article