Local Man Remembers How to Hate the Chicago White Sox Again

Brandon Kennedy didn’t see it coming.

“I knew going into the series this was a big deal, especially with Cleveland falling apart,” said the Richfield-based copywriter. “But it’s been so long since the (Chicago) White Sox were worth a damn, it was hard to get too fired up about it.

“That’s not a problem anymore.”

In the wake of Chicago taking 3 out of 4 from the Twins and clinching a playoff berth, Kennedy said old grievances were born anew in the churning tumult of his blistering rage.

“Between the umpires putting on a clown show all week and the wretched White Sox themselves, I’ve never been more furious,” said Kennedy.

“Once again, I hate the Chicago White Sox.”

Kennedy claims the transition was as effortless as it was quick.

“I’m just sitting there, thinking of how fun Luis Robert and Tim Anderson are to watch, and all of a sudden I realize the Commissioner should transfer them to any of the 31 teams that are better than the Chicago White Sox, a vile and ugly franchise loved only by perverts and criminals. Rediscovering that visceral disgust in my heart, it’s like riding a bike made of spite and angry thoughts.”

With the playoffs looming, Kennedy claims his righteous fury will not abate in the waning days of the regular season.

“You know, Disco Demolition Night was misguided, as disco music itself was and is fine,” said Kennedy, referring to the 1979 stunt gone wrong that caused the White Sox to forfeit a home game. “But there’s no reason we shouldn’t revisit burning Comiskey Park or whatever it’s called this year to the ground and salting the earth to keep it from harming anyone ever again. Let the team play in Buffalo next year so their fans, unloved by God, can get back to their true passions of wheelchair theft and swindling the elderly.”

“I don’t like the White Sox,” he concluded.