RandBalls Stu

Be grateful that they ever were.You know the type. He might even be you. “I don’t get into politics.” “Both sides drive me nuts.” “Can’t we just watch the game?” I’d prefer not to think about the state of the world right now. It’s not great! Civil unrest and a pandemic and natural disasters and a teetering economy and an incredibly divisive political climate. All of it exacerbated by unreliable narrators on your social media platform of choice, none of it with a solid end date that allows you or me or anyone to return to “normal.” A ballgame and a cold beer or two is a goddamn welcome relief. On Thursday night, the best possible chance to distract yourself was a Twins/Tigers game. Granted, the game would have been played in front of cardboard cutouts with fake bubble hockey crowd noise because of one of those things you’d prefer to get away from. The teams took that option off the board when they decided not to play due to the seven bullets fired into Jacob Blake's back in Kenosha, Wisconsin. (If that sentence made you uncomfortable, the bullets felt worse.) You might take issue with the Twins taking the night off. After all, you don’t get to take the day off when something upsets your political sensibilities. To which I can only offer the following baseball-centric response: tough hop. Or, if you’d rather: Facts don’t care about your feelings. Labor doesn’t have much leverage in 2020. The Twins and Tigers have a measure of it. They’re using it. You’re welcome to disagree, or even walk away from the teams and the sport entirely. The thing is, wherever you end up trying to escape the outside world, reality is going to push back. Hard. NASCAR? Nope. The movies? Yeah, no. Living in a cabin in the woods? Should probably check if they’re on fire or if the neighbors are building a helipad. The luxury of turning off the news for three hours at the yard is just that. A luxury. That some of us had it for as long as we did is astonishing. Maybe we’ll get it back someday by doing the hard work necessary to earn it. Maybe. (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

Cherubic Prior Lake second grader rains torrent of filth on family, friends.Damien Holsapple has four words for new Twins starting pitcher Rich Hill. “[expletive] thanks, Mr. Hill!” Holsapple, who begins second grade at Jeffers Pond Elementary School this fall, has watched every Twins game this year, including both of Hill’s starts. The veteran starter’s colorful language, easy to pick up without any fans in attendance, has made quite the impact on the precocious youngster. “That son of a [expletive] said a lot of cool [expletive],” said Holsapple. “I can’t wait to tell my [expletive] teacher, that dumb [expletive]!” Holsapple’s mother says she’s concerned but is rolling with it. “Damien’s very bright and picks up on things super quickly,” said Heather Stamey. “I didn’t know that the microphones were going to capture all the chatter in quite that detail and I let him know those words were not OK. Going forward I told him he should just watch with the volume down, like his father does when (Bert) Blyleven is on the broadcast.” For his part, Damien is just happy to discover new frontiers in language and personal expression. “[Religious expletive] tapdancing [religious expletive], this summer was pretty [expletive] lame until baseball happened,” said Holsapple. “[Expletive], I don’t even know what the [expletive] tapdancing is, but the way Mr. Hill says it makes it sound [expletive] awesome.” Damien says he’s also been sharing some of the new words with his younger sister, Alice, who recently turned four. “When Mom told her it was time for bed last night, Alice said ‘Kiss my [expletive] [expletive] you [expletive] Irish [expletive], that was a [expletive] strike,’” said Damien. “Mom got pretty mad but I saw Dad laughing really [expletive] hard behind her. I told Alice to put a [expletive] baseball glove over her mouth next time she wants to use the fun words like Mr. Hill does when he doesn’t want those [expletive] humps in blue to hear him.” Click here to view the article

From positioning to footwork to jumping, the Twins are doing all they can to help Byron Buxton stay healthy in the field during his blistering run at the plate. And they're not done yet.In The Athletic on Thursday, pro bono Yangtze Restaurant Public Relations Manager Aaron Gleeman wrote about the new approaches the Twins are taking to protect Byron Buxton from himself. Twins Daily dug deeper to see how the team plans to keep their star-crossed center fielder healthy. Remove outfield walls in Target Field. While this might seem controversial, team officials say putting down some painter’s tape where the wall would otherwise be might pass muster. “Can’t run into a wall if there’s no wall,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “Dick Bremer’s brother-in-law is a contractor and he’s volunteered to come in to tape it all up, and we can just put down a bunch of comfortable pillows behind the tape for Byron to land in softly and safe from harm.”Make his uniform out of his sliding glove. Buxton’s oven mitt-sized glove helps prevent hand injuries during the speedster’s head-first slides. “What we’re thinking is, make the jersey, the pants, the stirrups, everything out of that material,” said a source close to the coaching staff. “We built a prototype and had Jake Cave try it on. Unfortunately, it’s very bulky. He was bullied by some local teens who chased him down as he attempted to waddle away and they gave him swirlies and at least one purple nurple. So we’re still a ways off.” Cave is listed as day-to-day (America’s bullying crisis) on the team’s injury report.Russian vaccines. When Vladimir Putin announced that his country had developed an effective COVID-19 vaccine, many were skeptical. The Twins were not. “There’s a chance it might be BS, but what if it works,” asked a clubhouse source. “Let’s just say we’re better safe than sorry with Byron.” Another source revealed that the Pohlad family acquired a vaccine sample in exchange for Bill Pohlad filming his next three musician biopics in Russia. “We gave a test injection to Caleb Thielbar and it’s…well, do you know if he glowed in the dark the first time he was on the team?” Thielbar is listed as day-to-day (early onset Dr. Manhattan-ism) on the team’s injury report, while shooting on the life story of Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne begins in Volgograd in mid-2021.The team says it will continue looking to innovate as the season continues. “I know there’s a whiteboard in Thad Levine’s office that just says ‘PARACHUTES’ with a few question marks after it,” said the front office source. “Everything’s on the table.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

“Please. Let us have this.”Hello current Minnesota Twins. We, the 1974 Minnesota Twins, want to congratulate you on your hot start to this abbreviated season. It shows a great deal of resilience and mental toughness to not only take the field, but to have one of the best records in the league. That said, you are also on track to shatter our record for worst home attendance in a non-strike Minnesota Twins season. Yes, there’s an asterisk because of all the health cautions, but someday in the future a kid is going to open a record book or use their Google phones and see 2020 as the rock bottom for paid attendance. It’s not fair. We had a good team in 1974. We had three Hall of Famers—Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew, and Bert Blyleven. We had Tony Oliva. We finished above .500! Tickets were cheap and concessions were cheaper. And NOBODY SHOWED UP. 660,000 people made their way to Bloomington. Dead last in the league. 12th out of 12. AGAIN: WE HAD ROD CAREW. Maybe people were afraid they’d miss something during the Watergate hearings. Maybe they were afraid a random Minnesota Viking would throw up on them at the Steak ‘n Ale on 494. Maybe they couldn’t believe it was 1974 and Harmon Killebrew was still playing baseball. Maybe they just hated Calvin. Maybe there was an Eagles concert at the Met Center and everyone was getting blitzed in the parking lot. It was 46 years ago, it’s hard to pinpoint an exact reason. But the thing is, Met Stadium was empty. Not even the late-‘90s Twins bottomed out like that. And they have Pelting Chuck Knoblauch With Various Objects Night to hang onto. We’ve got nothing but those 660,000 hearty souls who would show up to watch Tom Burgmeier and Bill Hands. (Yeah, that’s right. We had a player named Bill Hands. What a ridiculous name! You’d know that if you’d have been there, but you weren’t.) Our request: Don’t even note this year’s attendance. Pretend it didn’t happen. Please. Let us have this. Warmest personal regards, The 1974 Minnesota Twins Image license here. Click here to view the article

“As long as I just focus on Nelson Cruz annihilating baseballs and put my phone in airplane mode, I can ignore all of it.”Ethan Miller wasn’t sure how he’d react. “You look at how the virus is very much not under control in many parts of the country. The testing shortages and delays are back for pretty much everyone except athletes. No one really knows what the best way forward is with schools. “But man, did you see Rich Hill last night? That was awesome.” Miller, a St. Peter-based financial adviser, has watched every Twins game along with a handful of others since the season started. He says that a solid background in enjoying things he maybe shouldn’t helped him deal with watching baseball during a pandemic. “My favorite singer growing up, bar none, was Michael Jackson,” said the 46-year-old father of three. “I just heard ‘Billie Jean’ on the oldies station and turned it up. This was the same day I re-watched (Roman Polanski’s) Chinatown for like the 50th time. So, yeah.” Miller says his ability to compartmentalize goes beyond his entertainment preferences. “My doctor said I really need to watch my cholesterol, especially given my family’s history of heart disease,” said Miller. “Yesterday, after horfing down my Chipotle order with extra sour cream and chasing it with a large fountain Coke, I definitely thought of that.” While the MLB outbreak appears to be limited to the Miami Marlins so far, Miller is prepared to deal with any further incidents on a case-by-case basis. “Yeah, if it’s just a random guy or two here and there, I think I can deal with my conscience pretty easy,” Miller said, tugging at the collar of his Adrian Peterson jersey. “But if I wake up and see that half the Rangers have it, it could take me a good hour or two of nagging self-doubt before getting back to normal.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Kelley Vogt has been waiting for the Twins to take the field in a game that counts for months. He might not see it.“Magnum’s on, man. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” The Magnum in question is Thomas Magnum, protagonist of TV’s Magnum P.I. The long-running CBS drama airs nightly on a Minneapolis network station from 7-10 pm. And Vogt can’t get enough. “He solves mysteries, he gets in fights, he hangs out with his buddies, and argues with Higgins,” said Vogt. “Occasionally he has a girlfriend, but it usually ends badly. “And he has access to a helicopter,” added the 41-year-old programmer and season ticket holder. Vogt claims he’s never gotten into “Marvel movies, Game of Thrones, (stuff) like that” because he hates having to follow multiple storylines. “I use a scorecard at the ballgame, I don’t need to use it to figure out who’s having sex with who in a show about dragons,” said Vogt. “I put Magnum on, they wrap the story up, another episode starts, and there’s your Tuesday night, brother.” When asked if this routine hadn’t itself become the equivalent of binging a Netflix or HBO show with labyrinthine plot twists, Vogt quietly admitted that it was possible. “Magnum has a kickass car,” Vogt noted. With the opener looming on Friday night and no easy answers, the Lonsdale native said he may have found an answer in the past. “Someone on Facebook marketplace is selling a working VCR and a whole pile of blank video cassettes,” said Vogt. “$10 or best offer, I just have to drive to New Market and get it. I know I can probably find them on YouTube or something, but I like the commercials. Figure I can tape Magnum and watch the game on my laptop.” Vogt paused. “I can also watch Magnum and tape the Twins game. Think Magnum and Higgins are going to London to meet Higgins’ dad. Can you even imagine?” Image license here. Click here to view the article

With the truncated season just days away, cheers and organ music take a backseat to the ‘90s anthem.Major League Baseball sent iPads to every team, including Minnesota, pre-programmed with ambient ballpark noise, from cheers to claps to walk-up music. The Twins, while grateful for the gesture, are following their own path as they prepare to play ball in an empty Target Field. “Man oh man, do I love Chumbawamba,” said Derek Falvey, the team’s President of Baseball Operations, referencing the British band behind the hit 1997 single “Tubthumping.” Multiple team sources confirm that the song will replace applause, boos, chants, and organ sounds. Batters can still use their preferred walk-up music, provided that the song’s creator has covered “Tubthumping” and they use that cover. “It defaults back to the original otherwise,” noted Falvey. Players were confused, but said they’d adjust. “What’s a Chumbawamba,” asked catcher Mitch Garver. “I honestly don’t know.” “The ‘I get knocked down’ song, oh yeah, I remember that,” said prize free agent acquisition Josh Donaldson. “I’ve played at Tropicana Field in September, this will only be stranger on the margins.” Falvey says the 7th inning stretch will also sound different. “Obviously, there won’t be fans around to stand up and sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ so we won’t be playing it,” said Falvey. “However, we will be playing ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba.” As for the National Anthem, the Twins will continue rising to salute America prior to the first pitch. “That is one tradition we don’t mess around with,” said Falvey. “We’ll continue to stand, remove our caps, and honor America every night. However, instead of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ we’ll be singing ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba.” Falvey, who joined the Twins in 2016, said he’s hopeful that the team can reach the playoffs in this shortened season. “We have about two months to gel as a team and get to the ultimate prize,” said Falvey. “The Fall Classic, with Chumbawamba throwing out the first pitch then playing their hit song ‘Tubthumping’ on the outfield grass. It’s what every player and every fan dreams of.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

“What’s the worst that could happen,” asked one club official. “We laugh in the face of danger.”Byron Buxton, Minnesota’s mega-talented center fielder, is 100% healthy as the Twins begin summer workouts. Rather than play it safe, the team pushed its luck on Thursday and released a full 162-game schedule for 2021. “We never thought we’d be here,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “The feeling is, frankly, incredible. We’re like a gambler in Vegas who’s way up and decides, bleep it, hit me. Let. It. Ride.” As American sports struggle to resume regular operations in the face of a rampaging pandemic, this bold action is the latest sign that this once conservative franchise is charting a new course. “We acknowledge that there are any number of obstacles that could derail a full 2021 season,” said Levine. “We also acknowledge that you can’t tell us anything right now. Byron Buxton has a clean bill of health! In 2020! We laugh in the face of danger. I’m asking Jose Berrios, Luis Arraez, Josh Donaldson, and Nelson Cruz to reenact every stunt in all three Jackass movies. Team-building exercise. Bring it on.” Levine says this new philosophy extends to his personal life as well. “Got in the car this morning to head to Target Field. Needle was on E. First of all, that’s just a guess by Honda. Second of all, everyone knows that you have 50 miles in that tank, minimum, once that light comes on. Google it. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Google results are unclear on this.) Got to the park without issue, and I anticipate I’ll get home just fine. Tokyo Drift that bad boy right to the interstate, crank (Metallica’s) Master of Puppets, and let momentum and technology do the rest.” Levine then asked a reporter if they'd hunted "the most dangerous game. You know what I'm talking about." The reporter declined to answer. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Unconfirmed reports say multiple players, staff devoured or chomped by Earl, a rogue alligator from Orlando.Target Field saw its first baseball action of the season this week, as players began reporting for a delayed spring training. Excitement soon turned to chaos as a rogue alligator “gave a good old Everglades chomping” to numerous players, staff, and journalists. “The team wanted it to feel as much like a Florida spring training environment as possible,” said Larry Thurman, VP of Community Engagement for Orlando’s Wilderness Safari and Topless Frozen Yogurt Bar. “We sent up a couple gators to give it a real Sunshine State feel. I guess Earl got a bit peckish.” Earl was one of two gators loosed in the Twins clubhouse on Wednesday, where he terrorized and/or gnawed on multiple players and team officials. “(Max) Kepler came tearing through the clubhouse yelling about the green bear and I was very confused,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “Turns out Glen (Perkins, retired Twins pitcher and south metro handyman) told him that’s what alligators were when Max got here from Germany and no one corrected him. Anyway, that’s when I saw Earl going to town on a couple advance scouts and I got out of there.” Minneapolis Animal Control sedated the alligator, and team officials say that while there are multiple injuries and “extensive” gouging, there were no fatalities. Reports that Dan Gladden attempted to ride the gator like a motorcycle and compared it unfavorably to Steve Lombardozzi are unconfirmed at this time. The other alligator, Eugene, appeared to tire quickly and settled in for a nap on top of The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. Officials say both the gator and Gleeman appear to be sleeping soundly and there are no plans to disturb them. A team spokesperson said the workouts at St. Paul’s CHS Field will go on as scheduled this weekend but with less immediately hazardous Florida effects. Sprawling retirement villages, championship golf courses that wipe out native wetlands, and extensive insurance fraud are all expected to take over the capital city's Lowertown neighborhood beginning Friday afternoon. Click here to view the article

In the face of spiking COVID rates and labor unrest, one man sets time aside to dream of better days.Eugene Bauer, 67, considers himself a realist. He keeps up on the news, he’s online a little too much, and enthusiastically consumes podcasts. He knows the continued rise of coronavirus cases and hospitalizations in parts of the country will make it difficult for baseball to come back, much less continue for a “full” 60-game season. But from 6:45-6:50 pm on Thursday night, he stepped away from those intrusive thoughts and gave himself five full minutes of baseball-derived pleasure. “I share season tickets with some old work friends,” said the Maplewood retiree. “I thought about the team letting a handful of people into Target Field to watch a game and being able to see Josh Donaldson destroy a hanging curve in person. I have a Kramarczuk’s sausage in my hand. The ball lands on the plaza. I smile a smile bigger than when my daughter divorced her second husband. “He was a professional DJ who went by the name Nasty J, but his real name was Joshua, and he went to Moorhead State for 8 years,” he added. “I hated him.” In those 300 blissful seconds, Bauer’s imagination ran wild. “I’m up late. My wife (Marianne) is asleep. There are multiple west coast games on TV. Can you even imagine? Giants are playing the Rockies, Mariners are playing the A’s, and there’s a rain-delayed Cubs-Braves game in the 4th inning. I get a beer out of the fridge and open it. I’m going to fall asleep in the chair tonight.” Before he snapped out of it to solve the final puzzle on Wheel of Fortune, Bauer allowed himself a moment of true glee. “The day of the World Series parade is the last nice afternoon before it gets super cold. I’m wearing a light jacket and a mask that are the same powder blue as the ‘70s Twins uniforms. Everyone is keeping their distance and cheering. TC Bear throws me an autographed baseball. He removes his head and it’s A.J. Pierzynski. He swears at me, smiles, and keeps walking. “I know it’s unlikely. But it sure would be something.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

"It's going to blow their minds to find out just how much those guys make," said one expert. "The health impacts are unknowable and a risk we can't encourage."The Centers for Disease Control advise Facebook Rage Uncles and Star Tribune commenters to avoid learning that Major League Baseball owners are far wealthier than the players. “Right now, with public health at a premium and hospital capacity so vitally important, it’s imperative that the most irate and irrational among us continue on their merry way, oblivious and dumbstruck” said CDC spokesperson John T. Brooks. “Learning something new, factually correct, and completely at odds with their worldview could lead to shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and other adverse effects.” Despite the owners’ obvious and complete culpability in baseball’s current impasse, Anoka resident and classic North Metro reactionary Tom Hanson said he agreed with the CDC’s directive. “The players are greedy bums,” said Hanson. “There are exceptions, like Curt Schilling and Aubrey Huff, but most of them are just lazy. Nothing’s going to change my mind.” Brooks said any attempts to persuade others that the owners are far wealthier than the players, and a much worthier target of their anger, are discouraged. “Any fair-minded person might attempt to convince others that the owners are entirely at fault in this instance, and their wealth far surpasses that of your average corner infielder. Perhaps when we’ve reached herd immunity or discovered a therapeutic or vaccine for COVID-19, it might be worthwhile to pull Uncle Rich aside and tell him to shut his godforsaken piehole. But now is not that time. It’s for the greater good.” For his part, Hanson said he prefers to remain oblivious to the fact that he pays more in income tax than every owner despite being mostly unemployable. “They’re paid to do two things: play a game, stand for the anthem, and shut up.” Hanson denied those were three things and refused to discuss the matter further. Click here to view the article

“We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said one representative.Amid nationwide tumult over the problematic legacy of historical figures and the statues that recognize them, Minnesota DFLers and Republicans found rare common ground on Thursday. “When baseball resumes again, Twins fans will find a new statue of former Commissioner Bud Selig that they are encouraged to ransack and pillage,” said Dan Wolgamott (DFL-St. Cloud). “I listened to my constituents on this one,” said Jim Nash (R-Waconia). “They’re pretty skeptical of any government spending, but they heard this and were ready to pay for it themselves ten times over. It was inspiring.” Selig was the Commissioner of Major League Baseball from 1998-2015 and was a key figure in the attempt to contract the Minnesota Twins in 2001. Experts agree that if one were to draw a mental picture of a used car salesman underwater with creditors forced to watch his only daughter french kiss a Hell’s Angel, it would look like Bud Selig. “We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said Brad Tabke (DFL-Shakopee). “Minnesota’s welders and artisans have stepped up to consult on crafting a truly wretched ogre of a statue, one that incites disgust and a palpable rage in all who see it. I expect it to be as iconic as the Bemidji Paul Bunyan, only covered in rotten fruit and excrement.” The statue, which is expected to show the former commissioner in a pose reminiscent of when the All-Star Game finished in a tie, will also showcase his background as owner of the Milwaukee Brewers. “To give it that true Brewers game experience for Twins fans, it will feature speeding tickets from the Tomah, Menomonie, and Wauwatosa police departments,” said Nash. “We’re hoping to also land an authentic event day port-a-potty from Lambeau Field or Summerfest to sit next to the bronze nightmare. The horrors contained within would really pull the entire thing together.” Click here to view the article

Dan’s Bar & Grill in New Trier, Minnesota resumed outdoor service this week. David Petersen can’t wait for his Saturday reservation.“I hope someone yells at me,” said Petersen. “I miss it so much.” The longtime town ball and Legion ball umpire says that, with summer baseball not happening across the state, he finds himself yearning for the screams and verbal abuse heaped upon him by players and fans alike. “There’s nothing like being behind home plate, the sun setting in the rural Minnesota sky, tie game, you call a clear strike a ball, and people start saying “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE DAVE YOU [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE],’” said Petersen. “Sometimes their kids say it with them. There’s nothing like it in the world.” The Hastings native says he made his reservation for as late in the day on Saturday as he could. “I figure some of the guys might be a little tuned up, be a little more confrontational about me observing that their foot is over the imaginary line when they’re throwing bags,” said Petersen. “He’ll get in my face and his girlfriend will yell at me for being an idiot and at Dwayne for causing a ruckus. I can smell the Mich Golden Light and Skoal on their breath. Just like old times.” Petersen hopes to clear up some misconceptions with patrons willing to chat with him at a social distance. “For one thing, I have perfect 20/20 vision, despite a campaign in the city of Jordan to declare me legally blind and the Carver County Attorney charging me with roasting and eating my guide dog. “For another, my mother is not nearly as sexually promiscuous as the Minnetonka Millers baseball team has repeatedly claimed. She has been married to my father for 47 years. She did not invent herpes, contrary to both the Diane Petersen Herpes Outreach Group on Facebook and the ‘DIANE PETERSEN: INVENTOR OF HERPES, MOTHER OF DAVE’ billboard in the New Ulm area.” Petersen says if he has a hard time getting the other patrons going, he has a failsafe. “I’m wearing a blue shirt, black pants, and black shoes already. But just in case, I’m bringing a mask and chest protector. It’s like a magnet for guys who peaked in high school and chronic red asses. I can’t wait.” Image license here. Click here to view the article