RandBalls Stu

Lino Lakes man talks a good game at work on Thursday, but later, in the quiet of his living room, reveals that he knew better.The resurgent 2019 Twins have been a boon for Bruce Stoffer. The 3M account executive, known around the office for his omnipresent Twins cap and bobblehead collection, has had a field day talking to his newly interested co-workers about the team. Nowhere was this more apparent than on Thursday morning, when the subject of new reliever Sean Poppen came up. “Oh yeah, I’ve been following Poppen’s rise through the system for quite awhile now,” Stoffer lied to his assistant. “I think everyone was panicked that he’d falter and the bullpen would really get worked, but I had faith in his stuff. Stoffer continued this string of falsehoods over lunch. “I’ve always liked Poppen’s velo and figured it could translate in the bigs if he could throw strikes,” fibbed the 39-year-old bachelor to the table of co-workers at Jimmy John’s. “Definitely one of those arms that stands out when you’re breaking down the prospects.” The unrelenting wave of BS was capped off at the end of the day at a birthday celebration for Carly, his direct supervisor. “When the game finally ended on Tuesday night, I sent a text to my buddy Josh saying I bet they call up Poppen in the morning,” said Stoffer, in a whopper that defied belief and gravity, to his assembled co-workers over a sheet cake from Cub Foods. “When you follow the game, these are the nuances that register for you.” Later, alone and toggling between the Twins game and the NBA Draft on his television, he muted the volume and looked around his sparsely appointed living room. “I have no idea who that guy is,” he admitted to his cat, Otto. “I looked all that up on Baseball Prospectus when the game was on like everyone else did. I don’t know why I did this.” Stoffer promised the cat that he would not do the same thing regarding Timberwolves draft pick Jarrett Culver on Friday, who he had never heard of until he was drafted. He later admitted that the odds of this were 50/50 at best. Click here to view the article

You vented to your friend from Kansas City about some of the Twins' recent struggles. He's not having it.Jeremy Tanner is your friend from childhood. A Missouri native, he's loved the Kansas City Royals that entire time, through years of incompetency to their improbable World Series win to their return to incompetency. And he's had just about enough out of you. "I saw him post on Facebook about how disappointed he was in Wednesday night's game," Tanner told Twins Daily. "He said the Twins wasted Byron Buxton's amazing home run with bad pitching and worse defense. Imagine my surprise to look at the standings this morning and see who had the best record in baseball. Guess who it is. Just guess." Tanner, a Delano resident, was just getting warmed up. "Meanwhile, I kept scrolling down the AL Central standings. Well below the team with the biggest division lead in baseball, WHICH IS THE MINNESOTA TWINS BY THE WAY, and well below Cleveland and Chicago and even the useless Tigers, that's where the Royals are. 23.5 games back. IT'S NOT EVEN FATHER'S DAY YET." Tanner gathered himself, lit a cigarette, took an improbably long drag, and continued. "Last week, when the Twins sent down (Willians) Astudillo, he texted me about how he was disappointed but understood the move. He actually texted a Royals fan about how he was disappointed that Minnesota's third catcher wasn't playing quite as well as the first two catchers. The unmitigated GALL. I've watched the platoon of Martin Maldonado and Cam Gallagher all year, and he's TEXTING ME ABOUT CATCHERS." Tanner, who works for a local liquor distributor, lit a new cigarette with the butt of his old cigarette. "The one positive about this weekend's series is that (Michael) Pineda isn't pitching for Minnesota. The last time we talked, he was worried if Pineda had what it takes to be the fifth starter. Instead of strangling him right there on the spot, I just shrugged, didn't mention that they'll make the playoffs if they run an actual human baby out there every fifth day, and asked how his wife is doing at her new job." Tanner says he plans to go to Saturday's game with you, but would just as soon take the train because he hates looking for parking. Click here to view the article

In an otherwise ideal season, the Minnesota Twins' glaring weakness remains their bullpen. And at least one man is going to let it wreck the next few days.FRIDAY Scott Andersen and his wife Molly are on a rare date night at an upscale restaurant, as Molly’s sister is in town and watching their two children. Molly: Should we get an appetizer? I’m starving, and this glass of wine is gonna hit me like a train if I don’t eat something before dinner gets here. Scott (clearly distracted): Yeah, sure. Molly: You didn’t even hear what I said, did you? Scott (looks up from his phone): Sorry. It's just the Twins bullpen. Blew a gimme against Cleveland, didn't sign Kimbrel, have no idea what they're going to do tonight if it's close. Man. Molly: This is our first night out in five months. Put your phone away. We're getting calamari. Scott (looks up from his phone): Do you want to get an appetizer? SATURDAY Scott and Molly's oldest child, Ashton, is nine. He has his last soccer game of the year today. Molly: Hey, Ashton's in the game again. Look honey. Scott (looking at phone): What's that? Molly: Ashton. Your son. He's back in the game. That's him right there. Scott (still looking at phone): Oh, good. Molly: Is something wrong? Scott: No. I mean, yes, it's just that I'm looking at all these relievers who could be on the market for the Twins but they sure as hell aren't making any moves right now. I bet the Astros wouldn't stand pat. The Red Sox would pull the trigger and get it fixed. It's so aggravating, and it's not li-- Molly (who quit listening two sentences ago): Oh my god Ashton's got a breakaway GO ASHTON! Scott: --and I just read Buster Olney saying that the Twins are willing to let the market come to them and I'm just like, what if the market doesn't develop and Matt Magill has to get the Yankees out in a high-leverage spot? I tell you what will hap-- Molly: OH MY GOD HE SCORED! HONEY HE SCORED! HIS FIRST GOAL! LOOK AT HOW HAPPY HE IS! Scott: Who scored? SUNDAY Molly's brother Sean is graduating from high school. There is a party at the local park shelter with burgers, chips, soda, beer, and other cookout staples. He's the youngest child, and the entire family is celebrating. Molly's father Art walks over to Scott, who is sitting by himself next to the sheet cake. Art: Not going to lie to you, it's going to be weird having no kids at home when Sean goes to college. How do your folks like it? Scott (clearly distracted): Yeah, I know. Art: What? Scott: Sorry, didn't catch that. It's just...it's the Twins. They knew the bullpen was going to be an issue in the offseason, and they did nothing to address it. Unless you call signing Blake Parker addressing it, which I don't! Come on! Everyone saw it coming! Man. Art (who doesn't watch sports and has never really understood his son-in-law): I'm going to get a beer. Want one? Scott (looking at his phone again): I already ate, thanks. Click here to view the article

I was a baseball-addicted kid back then and I was desperate for Twins games on the teevee. I'm pretty sure they weren't consistently broadcast until '84-85, but happy to admit I'm wrong

As the local media test drives nicknames (Bomba Squad, SotaPop, The Strapping Young Men from Where The North Loop Meets Downtown But It’s Kind of The Warehouse District Too) for the powerful 2019 Minnesota Twins roster, Twins Daily offers an exclusive look at some of the rejected talking points for the 1981 squad.The ’81 Twins were…not good. Johnny Goryl got fired, the team was playing in a doomed Met Stadium, Calvin Griffith would sooner do racism in Waseca than spend money on free agents, and there was also a players’ strike smack dab in the middle of what would end up being a split season. Still, you gotta put butts in seats, and the 1981 marketing team hoped to drum up some momentum around, um, Glenn Adams and Pete Mackanin. When it became startlingly apparent that the team didn’t have a lot of promise (Roy Smalley was your team leader in home runs with seven), those efforts were scrapped in favor of building excitement over the move to the Metrodome in 1982. The Twins Daily I-Team found a copy of proposed taglines in a haunted Mall of America basement, and we share them with you now. Remember When We Had Rod Carew?We Already Traded Ken Landreaux, Sorry About ThatThere Might Be Some Minnesota Kicks Fans in the Parking Lot Who Will Let You Drink Their BeerDon’t Get Too Attached to Any of These GuysLife Is Pain AlwaysWear Closed-Toe Shoes Knothole Gang, Calvin Won’t Pay for a Grounds Crew and You Technically Have to Help Us Drag the Infield Between Innings! Mom Didn’t Read the Fine Print, This Is on Her!Kirby Puckett is Three Years Away StillCable TV Is In Its Infancy So You Still Have to Go to a Game to See UsListen to the Owner Badmouth Larry HisleWe’ll Call Up the Hrbek Kid in August if You Promise to Buy Tickets, Bloomington.You’re Not Going to Believe It Now but These Powder Blues Are Going to Look Fantastic in 2019Fielding Nine Players Every Night!The North Stars Are Across the Way If You Get BoredWe’ll Trade Jerry Koosman for Randy Johnson This Summer. Not That One.Watch a Baseball Game While Dad Gets Tuned Up at Steak & Ale Click here to view the article

Karl Paulson is enjoying the Twins’ astonishing 2019 as much as anyone. He’s also prepared to lose his damn mind at the first sign of a minor setback. “I’m going to freak the entire hell out if they lose three in a row,” said Paulson. “If I can buy an actual, physical panic button, I will purchase it and smash it with my fists.”Minnesota’s remarkable start, which has led to an MLB-leading winning percentage of .673, means that losing streaks have been few and brief. The longest one, through 49 games, has been a mere two. And Paulson knows it. “I’ve gotten comfortable, I’ll admit it,” said the Hopkins man. “They lose a game, or one of the starters only goes 4-5 innings, it’s water off a duck’s back. On the rare occasion they lose two, it’s a weird feeling, like a bad storm’s approaching and all the animals start acting funny. But then things go back to normal.” It’s almost inevitable, over the course of a 162-game season, for even the best teams to have a bad run of games. Despite a ridiculous 8-game lead in the AL Central heading into Memorial Day weekend, the Twins are almost certain to run into a hot team, have a string of rough starts, or finally slump at the plate. Maybe even all at once. Paulson predicts he is absolutely not ready for it. “You know your cousin on Facebook who is way too political and just won’t stop posting,” asked Paulson. “If they lose three games, in a row, to anybody, I’m going to be him. I’ll call them frauds and posers and claim they won’t even make the playoffs. I will call for Baldelli’s head. I will say I’d rather be a Royals fan. It’s going to be a trainwreck.” If the Twins somehow manage to continue this torrid pace and avoid even a minor losing streak, Paulson said he has a back-up plan. “If they get to the All-Star break without losing three in a row, I’m going to flip out when they lose two in a row,” vowed Paulson. “Two games? In a row? Good luck against the Astros, chumps.” Click here to view the article

As a certified Old, I remember with not a little fondness Larry King’s column in USA Today, wherein he would just ramble all over the map with pithy observations like “For my money Angie Dickinson should be on Mount Rushmore, tell Roosevelt to shove it” or “Broccoli is nature’s toilet.” Since this was back before the internet and hedge funds destroyed the newspaper business, he was probably paid $400,000 per column.Anywhoozle, I was stumped for a column topic this week (my best idea, and I actually wrote this down: “Addison Reed? More like Baddison Reed.”), so I’m doing a Twinscentric spin on Larry’s old column. Please try to enjoy. Refunds are at the door. The unexpected downside of Minnesota’s fantastic start? Being compelled to stay awake for west coast games on school nights. My day job’s Coffee Bender is a fantastic option for those of age. The upside is that Gleeman’s awake and you can text him questions about Ma$e. Yeah, I have Aaron Gleeman’s number. Jealous? Seattle’s counterpart to Willians Astudillo, at least in the “thick in the britches” column, is Daniel Vogelbach. If they were to collide this weekend, it might trigger a catastrophic event in the Cascadia Subduction Zone. Yes, millions would perish, but it would probably get on SportsCenter? OK, maybe not SportsCenter, because there will be a 2020 NFL Mock Draft to cover and debate. Then the earthquake and how it impacts Kevin Durant’s free agency decision. Then maybe a Yankees or Red Sox highlight and we’re all out of time. Seattle’s counterpart to new Twins pitcher Austin Adams is their own Austin Adams. The media claims that they’re not the same guy, but I’ve seen Avengers: Endgame and I am not prepared to rule out MLB messing with the Quantum Realm as part of their service time BS. That’s not a spoiler, I checked with Bonnes. Cleveland is starting a 4-game set with Baltimore, so let’s all agree not to panic if the Twins are less than 4.5 games up on Monday morning. Unless they’re only a ½ game up. Then panic, because something bad probably happened. Who is your favorite “oh yeah, that guy” Mariner from the incredible 116-win team in 2001 that didn’t even make the World Series? Scott Podsednik or Norm Charlton? There’s a wealth of options. Click here to view the article

Unlikable Chaska man shares opinion on Minnesota’s hot start. Barry Daniel is well aware of the Twins’ MLB-best record, and the power surge that’s propelled it. He’s not about to let anyone within his radius feel good about it.“They’re setting themselves up to fail in the long run,” said Daniel, as his disinterested co-workers poked at their Lean Cuisines. “If you’re not moving runners over and just relying on home runs, you’re not even playing baseball. Give me Whitey Herzog and some classic station-to-station ball any day of the week.” Daniel, who is 37, unmarried, and wears a fedora to chain restaurant bars, often regales trapped employees of a local IT consulting firm with his against-the-grain takes during their half-hour lunch break. “What if you have to manufacture a run, and (Byron) Buxton is up there swinging at fastballs instead of working the count,” pondered Daniel, as at least one employee audibly sighed. “Does Buxton’s allegedly good defense make up for that? All I know is Zach Granite and Robbie Grossman took pitches and weren’t all about flash.” Daniel’s few friends at work say they’ve grown used to his behavior. “It’s like, we get it Barry, you found out about the concept of devil’s advocate when you were in college and quit learning anything else,” said Amanda Molloy, the company’s CFO. “When someone talks about a TV show they like, Barry will be sure to note that the book was better, or that it used to be good but it sucks now, or that he doesn’t own a television.” As the lunchroom quietly emptied, Daniel, who has strident opinions on anime, continued listing his doubts. “The strikeouts and quote-unquote pitch framing may impress the spreadsheet geeks and people who don’t appreciate the real game’s nuances,” said Daniel. “Let’s see ‘em throw strikes, put some balls into play, and let the defense do its job. Maybe then I'll believe it's sustainable.” Click here to view the article

Aidan Lynch was ready to celebrate on Thursday. After watching the Twins bury the Houston Astros 8-2 in person, he and his friends left Target Field to toast the team’s AL-best 19-10 record at a nearby pub.One of those friends, Shelly Ryan, was happy to lift a beer with him, but also uneasy. “He should be excited about the team, he’s a huge fan,” said Ryan, a Minneapolis-based attorney. “But I don’t think he’s looked at this weekend’s schedule yet.” Ryan peeled at the label of her High Life bottle and frowned, while Lynch and her other friends watched highlights of the game on the bar television. “Someone has to tell him, right?” The Twins go on the road this weekend to play three games against the New York Yankees. Their recent, and frankly not-so-recent record against New York is…suboptimal. “They haven’t beaten the Yankees in New York in 100 years,” said Ryan. “I don’t even think I’m exaggerating that much. And they aren’t just regular losses. Just gutpunch after gutpunch after gutpunch.” Lynch walked up to Ryan and shouted “First place, Ry-no! First place!” and held up his right hand with the palm facing towards her, an indication that he would like to give a high-five. Ryan obliged. Lynch then excused himself to use the restroom. “Aidan and his dad went to the Phil Cuzzi game,” said Ryan. “They were actually sitting down the third base line, surrounded by a bunch of slobbering Yankee fans, probably 50 -75 feet from where the ball landed fair.” Ryan finished her beer and continued. “It was Aidan’s 13th birthday. A guy with a Jeter shirsey threw up on him during ‘God Bless America’ then gave him the finger. He found some dried vomit behind his ear on the flight home. Ever since then, even mentioning the Yankees puts him in a dark place.” Lynch, back from the restroom, was ordering shots at the bar for anyone within earshot. “He's going to have this shot, maybe another drink, then head home,” said Ryan. “He’s going to hop in a Lyft, look at his phone, and check the schedule. He’s going to find out from his goddamn phone. It doesn’t have to be that way.” Lynch dropped a bright purple shot in front of Ryan. “This is for Jorge Polanco, and Corey Koskie, and all Twins past and present,” said a jubilant Lynch before heading to the TouchTunes machine. Ryan downed her shot, sighed, and followed him. Click here to view the article

Tad Krumrie was a Twins season ticket holder in 1999. He doesn’t remember it fondly.“It was pretty grim. Beautiful summer day outside, and I’d go to the Metrodome, sit in a seat that faced the visitor’s bullpen with maybe 3,000 other disinterested people, and watch Midre Cummings and Cleatus Davidson fail. Never had a problem getting a drink at Hubert’s, though. That was nice.” After last weekend’s Baltimore series, and in anticipation of this weekend’s rematch at Target Field, Krumrie is haunted by a familiar feeling. “I watched the second game of that doubleheader. Man. As fun as it was to watch the Twins hit home run after home run, the game brought a lot of bad memories back. “That’s when I realized the Orioles are the 1999 Minnesota Twins. No one deserves that.” Krumrie urged fellow fans to have sympathy for anyone wearing Orioles gear this weekend. “This is rock bottom for them. They have to sit there in their Cal Ripken jerseys and watch Alex Cobb and Cedric Mullins. You’ll be tempted to laugh, but you weren’t at the game Gary Rath started in 1999. I was. I maintain that he was a bus driver who just happened to be in town, Joe Mays got the flu, and Benj Sampson locked himself in a bathroom. I’m still looking for answers.” The chance of cold rain or even measurable snow this weekend only reinforced Krumrie’s empathy. “Their highest-paid player (Chris Davis) spent the first two weeks looking like Richie Tenenbaum,” said the Richfield native. “Now imagine watching him struggle while snow hits you and him in the face sideways. Say what you will about the Dome, you were at a climate-controlled 72 degrees while Javier Valentin disappointed you.” Click here to view the article

The long-simmering debate over the Twins bullpen came to a head on Thursday, as a defiant Derek Falvey threatened to reveal the ending of the next Avengers movie to the next person who asked about relief pitching.Avengers: Endgame premieres in theaters next week, and has been the subject of much online speculation, along with requests from the studio to not spoil the film's ending. Falvey is unconcerned. “I know what happens,” said the Twins Executive Vice President and Chief of Baseball Operations as he addressed reporters following yesterday’s 7-4 loss to the Blue Jays. “I saw it on Reddit. You wanna dance? I’ll tell you who dies right now. I’ll call your kids and grandkids too. Try me.” The Twins were dogged by questions all off-season about their lack of bullpen spending. After a disappointing home series versus Toronto that saw relievers blow two games, the chatter only intensified. Falvey was having none of it. “Do you want to know if Spider-Man and Black Panther come back? Do you want to know if Iron Man dies? Ask me about Craig Kimbrel,” said Falvey. “I will absolutely do it.” Disputes over the bullpen upgrades (and lack thereof) rankled the team’s fanbase and media members alike, with unconfirmed reports of Twins Daily’s own Nick Nelson challenging ESPN’s Phil Mackey to a sabermetrics-themed rap battle at the Buffalo Wild Wings on Snelling Avenue. For his part, Falvey was resolute in defending the team’s approach. “We’re not as stable as we’d like to be this early in the season, but we like the guys we have,” said an agitated Falvey. “We’ve had some injuries. Are they the mortal injuries that Ant-Man and The Hulk suffer at the hand of Thanos? No.” Falvey continued. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say too much? How rude of me. I know how the new Star Wars ends too. Keep asking questions. See what happens.” Click here to view the article

The former multi-purpose home of the Minnesota Twins sat down for a wide-ranging, sometimes combative Q&A with Twins Daily's RandBall's Stu. This interview has been edited for clarity and a potentially libelous claim by the stadium about former Twins pitcher John Smiley.RandBall’s Stu: This freak April blizzard caused the Twins to postpone Friday evening’s game well over 24 hours before the scheduled first pitch. Metrodome: Huh. Is that right? RS: You sound like you’re being sarcastic. MD: You know what would have happened if the game was in the Metrodome? RS: I mean, I sup— MD: The game would have been played. Period. RS: How can you say that, though? MD: I’m saying it. I’ll say it again for you right now: The game would have been played. RS: But your roof was notorious for collapsing and tearing during particularly nasty storms like this one. MD: *deep sigh* Listen. A few incidents over 30 years of service does not make it notorious. You’re using isolated incidents to paint a picture that simply isn’t accurate. RS: But you have to admit, this is the kind of storm that would have made you cross your fingers. MD: I’m a stadium. I don’t have fingers. RS: It’s a metaphor. MD: Good for your English degree, cha-cha. Tell you what: Even if the roof collapsed or there was a tear in the fabric, you know what we would have done? We would have gotten the sewing machines and the air compressors out and gone to work. If you want to sit here with your metaphors and your internet weblog and sit in judgment of hard-working Minnesotans and a stadium that came in under budget for the taxpayers, feel free, but you’re wasting my time and yours. RS: I apologize if you feel that way, but— MD: That’s not an apology, but go on. RS: Changing topics, then. What is retirement like for The Metrodome? MD: It’s been great. I hang with some of the other retired multi-purpose stadiums. Three Rivers Stadium, Veterans Stadium, and Riverfront Stadium, we all meet for coffee every morning. Veterans Stadium has the best stories. RS: That’s the old Philadelphia ballpark, right? MD: Right. You know all those awful stories about Philly fans? They’re the tip of the iceberg. The depravity is remarkable. And that’s just the players! Tug McGraw, Lenny Dykstra…my God. My God. RS: Go on. MD: Are you kidding? And get sued? Anyway, you’re going to want to wait until…what’s Oakland’s stadium called this year? RS: It’s back to Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. MD: Wow. Everything old is new again. Like I was saying though, she’s been writing everything down. Raiders fans, Charlie Finley, raw sewage. Everything. RS: That sounds incredible. MD: There’s a story about Vida Blue and Lyle Alzado trying to buy a speedboat with cigarette coupons that’ll make your hair stand up straight for a week. RS: I know your time is limited, so I just wanted to ask you: You know how the revolving doors were like a vacuum and a wind tunnel at the same time? MD: Oh friend, do I ever. Saw a kid get a soiled Dome Dog wrapper blown right into the face once. Best night of my life except for Game 6. RS: Do you think you could ever show other stadiums how to do that? That was so cool. MD: Took that one with me when Minneapolis built that shark fin on top of me. Gotta bounce. Peace. Click here to view the article

Or "The Best Thing That Happened All Winter" as it's called in my house.

What is your level of devotion to the cult hero of the 2019 Minnesota Twins? To start with, it's probably not enough, but please gauge your fandom with this exclusive Twins Daily guide.The Stages of Willians Astudillo Fandom: Stage 1: Enjoy the sight of a stouter-than-average athlete who never strikes out, never walks, and rumbles home from second barely ahead of Byron Buxton. You smile when you think of him. Stage 2: Pore over his stats from 2018, revel in his blistering start to 2019, and do a little shimmy in public. In front of people. Shame is for the weak. Stage 3: Buy Astudillo shirsey. Stage 4: Get legitimately, hands-start-shaking angry at anyone who even mildly questions Astudillo’s ability to maintain this level of performance or, God forbid, doubts his status as an everyday player. Call into sports radio like your Uncle Pete even though you swore you’d never be like Uncle Pete. You never get on the air, but you know they know you’re onto them. Stage 5: Become editor-in-chief of Baseball Prospectus. Stage 6: Buy Astudillo jersey. Stage 7: Look up what Astudillo’s favorite food is. Quit your job, enroll in Le Cordon Bleu to become an expert in the meal. Make the dish. Leave it at the front door of Target Field in an insulated, airtight container with a note attached reading, “KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, WILLIANS! BIG FAN!” Stage 8: Co-host a weekly podcast with the editor-in-chief of Baseball Prospectus. Stage 9: Buy game-worn Astudillo jersey, hat, pants, sanitary socks. Wear them around the office. Demand your co-workers call you “Willians Jr.” They will respect you. Stage 10: Attend home game. Observe if fellow fans are properly excited about every Astudillo at-bat. Gently correct bad behavior. Do not take phones away from people if they’re not paying attention, the usher will blame you despite how correct you are. Stage 11: Attend road game. Repeat. Be prepared to defend yourself. Turn yourself into a tiny ball to limit the target area for potential assailants, ushers. Stage 12: Buy turtle costume. Paint “64” on the shellback. Use it as an everyday outfit, only washing on off-days. Demand your co-workers call you “La Tortuga of the Pines.” They will respect you this time. Click here to view the article