RandBalls Stu

Bet your child’s college fund on what happens to the talented and oft-hurt Twins outfielder next. When Byron Buxton experienced a setback in his recovery from a shoulder injury this week, it cast a cloud over an otherwise positive run of play for the Minnesota Twins. It also caused Las Vegas bookmakers to reset the big board on what will next ail the star-crossed center fielder.These are the current odds on the next mishap that will send Buxton to the injured list. Bruised ribs 3-2Separated shoulder 2-1Concussion, baseball-derived 5-2Runningintoawallatfullspeed-itis 3-1Killer bees 7-2Concussion, struck-by-errant-Kirk Cousins-pass-while-attending-Vikings-game-derived, 4-1One of those diseases you get because people aren’t vaccinating their kids anymore 5-1One of those diseases you get because of the melting Arctic permafrost, like werewolf dysplasia or something 11-2Trampled by Paul Bunyan statue that has come to horrible life, 8-1Treated by Indianapolis Colts trainers, 10-1Told to “rub dirt on it” when it’s obviously an open wound by one of those guys who always rails against participation trophies and entitled millennials even though he works for his dad 12-1Zach Granite’s Lament 14-1Toilet explosion 15-1Joins Slipknot as a second drummer and tours Europe 18-1Zombie uprising (fast zombies) 20-1Attacked by the same bird that attacked James Paxton, who has developed a taste for it now and continues to learn 25-1Zombie uprising (slow zombies) 35-1Gets lost in rural Falcon Heights looking for State Fair parking spot, 40-1Zombie uprising (Rob Zombie) 55-1Watches the watchmen, develops cataracts, 60-1Comes at king, misses 65-1Develops allergy to baseball gloves 70-1Joins an improv group and constantly asks teammates to come out and watch a performance and is told to stay away from the team for a while because my god Byron 85-1Doesn’t get hurt for the rest of the season 5000-1 Click here to view the article

“He definitely saw what worked for the MPR Raccoon,” said Freberg. “Winters are harsh around here, and this is the surest route to a warm place to live and all the garbage and acorns you can imagine.” When Target Field’s “rally squirrel” returned to the diamond on Tuesday night, many were amused. For local rodent experts however, it was just another day at the office.“I saw social media blow up again last night,” said Dr. Katie Freberg, Associate Professor of Small/Medium Animal Studies at Bethel University. “I wasn’t surprised. No one should be.” Freberg says the squirrel, who reps say prefers to go by Gabriel Thee Squirrel or GTS, is following the example of the MPR Raccoon, the disgusting trash panda who scaled a St. Paul building by the public radio headquarters and now lives a life of opulence and leisure. “(Gabriel) definitely saw what worked for the MPR Raccoon”, said Freberg. “Winters are harsh around here, and this is the surest route to a warm place to live and all the garbage and acorns you can imagine.” The raccoon, most recently in the news for getting in a fight with internet personality Logan Paul during a DJ set at a Lollapalooza after party, also serves as a cautionary tale. “The MPR Raccoon has not necessarily adjusted to the spotlight very well,” said Connor Padlewski, media consultant for Stabler Partners, a Minneapolis public relations firm. “The wild parties, the rumors of multiple rehab stays, the failed marriage to Joan Collins—he’s clearly had issues with his new status as an in-demand star.” For his part, Gabriel says that he is happy to let his work for speak for itself. In a statement released to local CBS affiliate WCCO, the squirrel, speaking in the third person throughout, said that “Gabriel is going to do what’s best for Gabriel. He’s got his own thing right now, and if the haters are going to hate, let ‘em. Peace.” Click here to view the article

It’s been close to a decade since the Minnesota Twins have been in an honest-to-Pete pennant race. You may not know how to act. Twins Daily is here to help. If, like me, you’ve made the mistake of being on Twitter during a Twins game lately, you’d be forgiven for thinking the team was about to get contracted, and that a few fans would be thrilled were it to happen.Here, then, are a few helpful tips to make it through to October. Get a dog. Rex needs to go out. You need to clear your head when the starter goes 3 2/3 innings. Take him for a good long walk. Don’t check Gameday on your phone. Take in the evening. When you get back, maybe things will be better. If they’re not, hey, you got some cardio and saved yourself some needless stress.Don’t argue with JasonJ56983092. JasonJ56983092 is in your mentions saying that Berrios is a bum and Jake Cave is better in the long term than Byron Buxton. You may have an excellent zinger at the ready, but just…don’t. He doesn’t even have an avatar. His only other tweets are to adult film stars. Be better than JasonJ56983092. Mute him and let him scream into the void if that helps.Check in on Cleveland fans. Chances are, even after their amazing run to get back into the race, they have neurotic fans melting down at a bad inning or a close pitch called incorrectly. They haven’t won a World Series since roughly the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Watch them lose their minds instead. Schadenfreude is a powerful drug.Move. I’m in the process of selling my house and getting ready to move with my family to a new city. It’s incredibly stressful and keeps your mind focused on 87 other things that aren't the Minnesota Twins. Get into the minutiae of purchase agreements and you’ll find you have relatively little time to worry about how much the Giants knew about Sam Dyson’s health prior to the trade.Remember 2016. The Twins won 59 games. They were the worst team in baseball. Nobody cared about anything. Gleeman and the Geek spent all August talking about Aaron’s youth basketball stats. Anything is better than that.Follow any/all of these five steps to healthier, happier you. Until Max Kepler and Taylor Rogers get hurt. Then I’ve got nothing. Click here to view the article

The newest addition to the Twins roster is an inspiring story of an undrafted pitcher’s rapid rise from the team’s farm system to the majors. It’s also the story of there being a young professional athlete named “Randy Dobnak” in 2019. In an exclusive Twins Daily investigation, we explore the type of person more likely to have this name. Mechanic who lets you know that this is going to be pretty expensive and it’s going to take a while.Your dad’s best friend from high school who your mom Does. Not. Like. He has a Grand Am and a girlfriend 20 years his junior named Ashlynne. Keeps Tommy Bahama in business. Wears cologne to funerals.Bass player for ‘70s rock band that opened for Grand Funk Railroad at the Met Center.Farmer. Corn, soybeans, got out of dairy a couple years back.Shop teacher. Called kids “jackasses” until the school board cracked down on him.A frequent letter writer to the Star-Tribune’s op-ed page. His main concerns are “liberty” and “freedom.”The food scientist for Frito-Lay who helped develop Funyuns. License plate said SNAK MAN. Divorced.Every seventh male born in North Dakota between 1961-67.Guy who takes co-rec softball too seriously. Banned from the Woodbury Buffalo Wild Wings for yelling at an umpire and his family while they ate boneless garlic parmesan wings.Sitcom dad.A Minnesota Twins pitcher in 1979. Gene Mauch hates him because he keeps his hair too long.Perham man who has been to 22 consecutive WE Fests. Has a hard opinion about Kenny Chesney.Guy who has cornered the inner tube rental market in a resort town.Your insurance agent. Crushes Nicorette like it’s a contest.Frequent third-party candidate for all local offices.Image license here. Click here to view the article

Bloomington accountant oblivious to the events of the 9th inning in Miami on Thursday walks around Minneapolis as if life is full of joy and wonder.Patrick Seivert exited the Nicollet Suite at the Minneapolis Convention Center at 5 pm on Thursday like an idiot, per multiple sources. “I have no idea why he’s smiling,” said Rebecca Todd, one of Seivert’s co-workers and a fellow diehard Twins fan. “Oh my god, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know.” Seivert, who works for a local accounting firm, was in an all-day seminar about industry best practices. Attendees were encouraged to shut their phones down or put them in airplane mode to better grasp the intricacies of the topic at hand. Seivert’s family confirmed that he purposely left his phone in his car to resist the temptation of checking it. “Patrick didn’t even know the Twins had a day game,” said his wife Marley. “He was all happy after the wins on Tuesday and Wednesday. The seminar was catered by Chipotle, and he has Friday and Monday off. The dummy was in such a good mood headed out the door.” The 35-year-old St. Olaf grad was observed whistling on the way to his parking spot. “Yes, I think it was the ‘We’re Gonna Win Twins’ jingle,” said Vong Moua, a security guard at the Convention Center. “This complete moron walking around Minneapolis without a care in the world, not even two hours since the new bullpen guy imploded. “I thought he might have been a Marlins fan trolling Minnesotans, but then I remembered there aren’t any Marlins fans. That poor dumb bastard.” Click here to view the article

After a series that ended with two gut-wrenching losses to the New York Yankees in front of a packed Target Field, many Minnesota Twins were taken aback by a startling development on Thursday: There was another game to play. “I was going to clean out my locker and get some rounds of golf set up,” said one player who asked not to be identified. “Then the traveling secretary said to make sure I got to the airport on time for the flight to Chicago. I had no idea what he was talking about until I remembered it was still July. Whoa.”The Twins, who in previous seasons of competence or better made it to the playoffs only to meet their demise at the hands of the Yankees, were said to be pleasantly surprised by this turn of events. “A lot of us are new here, but you hear about the Yankee problem from guys who’ve been here awhile, and it gets in your head,” said one first-year Twin. “It felt like a playoff atmosphere all week, and then those last two games happened, and it’s just like, welp, see y’all in Fort Myers. But I guess we get to play 60 more games? Cool.” The confusion extended to the coaching staff too. “When the Yankees beat us and everyone feels shame, that usually means we have to go home,” said one coach. “There’s, like, two months left yet. Did you guys know this?” The Twins, clinging to a 2-game lead in the AL Central, face the White Sox in a 4-game set, while hard-charging Cleveland plays their 25th consecutive series against the Kansas City Royals. “Are you absolutely sure the season’s still happening,” asked one Twins player. “I know what the calendar says, and I know that I’m starting tomorrow, but it still feels like we’re breaking some kind of rule.” Click here to view the article

Soft schedule gets softer for the AL Central’s defending champs.Minnesota's mild slump over the last month has coincided with a Cleveland surge. Terry Francona's team has feasted on the worst of the worst in Major League Baseball, narrowing the gap in the AL Central to a mere four games. That easy stretch shows no signs of abating, as Major League Baseball announced on Thursday that Cleveland’s opponent this weekend will be the attendees of Sunshine Kidz, a day care center in Xenia, Ohio. “We’re always looking for ways to grow the game with a younger audience,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This effort looks to raise baseball’s profile with the youngest audience.” The children, aged between two months and one year, will be outfitted with tiny gloves and bats and “next generation safety equipment and plenty of blankies” per Manfred. Despite this, some child safety advocates are concerned. “This has to be illegal,” said Karen Lund, a spokesperson for the Ohio Department of Social Services. “How can this be happening? This can't be happening.” Lund’s concerns, echoed by all the parents and guardians of the children, are much ado about nothing according to “Dirty” Gabe Dalton, co-host of Dirty Gabe and The Blurt’s Morning Meltdown on Cleveland’s 640 AM The Huddle. “The political correctness in this country is out of control,” said Dalton. “First they want nets all over the place, and now they don’t even want the games to be played. It’s a classic slippery slope, big government crackdown on the free market. Welcome to Venezuela, folks.” Manfred says that the utmost care will be taken to make sure the games are both safe and highly competitive. “We're not going to put a 2-month-old on the mound, that's ridiculous, they don't have the arm strength. They've got a kid, Tyler, his first birthday is Sunday, and he once threw a pacifier so hard it broke another kid's skin. He's a rascal! The crowd is going to love him. If his brain was developed enough to create memories, he’d remember his first pitch for the rest of his life. To be clear though, he won’t. We should have probably considered this.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

The upcoming Cleveland series functions as a measuring stick for the rest of the Twins season. One Cokato man knows this all too well.Ted Harju, 48, spent the All-Star break like a lot of Twins fans: enjoying the midsummer classic, getting projects done on his free weeknights, and alternating between feelings of wall-climbing panic and mild, existential dread. “I’ve been a Minnesota sports fan my entire life,” said Harju, who works for a local utility company. “I can feel the darkness at all times, but with all the injuries and Cleveland playing so well, I worry that my constant, low-grade anxiety isn’t enough. I should be full-blown terrified. Like, right now.” Minnesota’s 2019 season has so far been marked by a lack of “here we go again” slumps, punishing indifference, and gutting defeats in crucial spots that are the lifeblood of their home state’s professional and college teams. Harju knows that past performance isn’t always indicative of future results. But he remains skeptical. “I mean, the Lynx have had a great run, and the Olympic curling team guys are all from Hermantown or something,” said Harju. “It’s not impossible for a Minnesota team to rise to the occasion. But man. They lost half their division lead in two weeks without even playing all that bad, and if Cleveland sweeps them…” Harju’s voice trailed off and he began to pace. “But I have to look at it rationally. They probably won’t get swept. Cleveland can’t stay this hot. The schedule gets so easy later in the season. None of the injuries were season-ending. They’ll shore up the bullpen and maybe get another starting pitcher.” Harju sat down. “If they’re going to break my heart, they’re going to do it in the postseason. I tell myself to remember that and just relax for now. But. But.” Harju excused himself to mow the lawn for the fourth time in nine days. Click here to view the article

It’s been years since Joe Mauer didn’t have to work on July 4th. Now that he’s retired, the Twins legend found himself with the entire day off to enjoy America’s birthday. In a Twins Daily exclusive, the St. Paul native tells us how he celebrated.It was always fun to go to the park and watch the fireworks shows when I was a kid, or when Uncle Ken came over with his special fireworks from South Dakota and Mom would yell at him. Now that I’m home with the kids, I wanted to make sure they got to experience a real 4th of July celebration. Here’s what I found out: They have fireworks at Target now. Did you know about this? At first I thought it was a set-up, like when (former Twin Justin) Morneau told me I had to grow sideburns or Ron Gardenhire wouldn’t let me on the team plane for road trips. I didn’t know he was kidding me about that until 2016. Pretty funny deal, but I wish he’d told me sooner. I don’t even like sideburns, but I sure as heck didn’t want to drive to Tampa all the time. Anyway, I go to Target, and there’s this big shelf of fireworks right out in the open by the birthday cards. I look around, and I don’t see any hidden cameras or police officers. I pick up a couple roman candles and take them to the register. I even asked the clerk if it was ok for me to buy these, because Mom would get pretty steamed if I was on the news for breaking the law. The clerk looked at me kinda funny, but said sure. And I walked out of Target with a bag of fireworks. It was a pretty neat deal. I took out my flip phone and sent a text to (former Twin Glen) Perkins and asked him if he knew that you could get fireworks in Minnesota now. He said yeah, they changed the law a couple years ago, but the good s-word was still in Wisconsin. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to Hudson to buy some bottle rockets and then get held up in fireworks customs at the border. Unless Morneau was kidding about that too. I should probably check on that. Have a great weekend, Twins fans. Click here to view the article

Minnesota’s second marathon game in ten days, an 18-inning loss to Tampa, not only exhausted the team’s bullpen, but also put the AL Central leaders in the crosshairs of HR administrator Joe Talbott.“After the 17-inning game last week, I was very clear with the players and the coaching staff,” said Talbott. “Overtime has to be approved in advanced. For them to disregard that very simple request so quickly…it’s disappointing.” Although baseball has long played extra innings to determine a winner, Talbott says that’s immaterial. “Tradition doesn’t have to make a payroll,” said Talbott. “A lot of people have fond memories of Games 6 and 7 of the 1991 World Series, which shows a shocking disregard for how people run a business. Extra-inning games on a Saturday and Sunday night? More like extra paperwork, extra hassle, and extra accounting.” Talbott says the process for extra-inning games is laid out quite clearly in the Twins employee handbook. “When we onboard our employees, from Rocco Baldelli to Byron Buxton, HR goes over all our processes and protocols,” said Talbott. “Section 5 is entirely about paychecks, time off, sick leave, and overtime. It’s laid out right there—if you need to work beyond eight hours in a day, HR has to approve it. I can see it happening once, but after I talked to them about, and it’s top of mind for them, and they do it again? It’s pretty clear there’s a communication breakdown somewhere.” Talbott, who came to the Twins from Wal-Mart in the offseason, says he’s never really followed baseball. “I heard one of the announcers say after the ninth inning that it was time for some free baseball,” said Talbott, shaking his head with resignation. “I can’t imagine what would lead you to say that out loud. Going to guess that everyone puts all 18 innings on their timesheet. Which are due at 5 pm today, and which I guarantee I’ll have to send a reminder email about at 4:45 on a Friday.” Talbott did say he was pleased with the Twins slacking off their blistering home run pace. “Baseballs cost money,” said Talbott. “The ones that leave the park also leave inventory. Instead of handing the ball to a kid, maybe hand it to an usher, who can hand it to a team employee, who can hand it back to the umpires. We have baseballs for sale in the concourse if you want one. Home run is just another name for theft, if we’re being honest.” Click here to view the article

Lino Lakes man talks a good game at work on Thursday, but later, in the quiet of his living room, reveals that he knew better.The resurgent 2019 Twins have been a boon for Bruce Stoffer. The 3M account executive, known around the office for his omnipresent Twins cap and bobblehead collection, has had a field day talking to his newly interested co-workers about the team. Nowhere was this more apparent than on Thursday morning, when the subject of new reliever Sean Poppen came up. “Oh yeah, I’ve been following Poppen’s rise through the system for quite awhile now,” Stoffer lied to his assistant. “I think everyone was panicked that he’d falter and the bullpen would really get worked, but I had faith in his stuff. Stoffer continued this string of falsehoods over lunch. “I’ve always liked Poppen’s velo and figured it could translate in the bigs if he could throw strikes,” fibbed the 39-year-old bachelor to the table of co-workers at Jimmy John’s. “Definitely one of those arms that stands out when you’re breaking down the prospects.” The unrelenting wave of BS was capped off at the end of the day at a birthday celebration for Carly, his direct supervisor. “When the game finally ended on Tuesday night, I sent a text to my buddy Josh saying I bet they call up Poppen in the morning,” said Stoffer, in a whopper that defied belief and gravity, to his assembled co-workers over a sheet cake from Cub Foods. “When you follow the game, these are the nuances that register for you.” Later, alone and toggling between the Twins game and the NBA Draft on his television, he muted the volume and looked around his sparsely appointed living room. “I have no idea who that guy is,” he admitted to his cat, Otto. “I looked all that up on Baseball Prospectus when the game was on like everyone else did. I don’t know why I did this.” Stoffer promised the cat that he would not do the same thing regarding Timberwolves draft pick Jarrett Culver on Friday, who he had never heard of until he was drafted. He later admitted that the odds of this were 50/50 at best. Click here to view the article

You vented to your friend from Kansas City about some of the Twins' recent struggles. He's not having it.Jeremy Tanner is your friend from childhood. A Missouri native, he's loved the Kansas City Royals that entire time, through years of incompetency to their improbable World Series win to their return to incompetency. And he's had just about enough out of you. "I saw him post on Facebook about how disappointed he was in Wednesday night's game," Tanner told Twins Daily. "He said the Twins wasted Byron Buxton's amazing home run with bad pitching and worse defense. Imagine my surprise to look at the standings this morning and see who had the best record in baseball. Guess who it is. Just guess." Tanner, a Delano resident, was just getting warmed up. "Meanwhile, I kept scrolling down the AL Central standings. Well below the team with the biggest division lead in baseball, WHICH IS THE MINNESOTA TWINS BY THE WAY, and well below Cleveland and Chicago and even the useless Tigers, that's where the Royals are. 23.5 games back. IT'S NOT EVEN FATHER'S DAY YET." Tanner gathered himself, lit a cigarette, took an improbably long drag, and continued. "Last week, when the Twins sent down (Willians) Astudillo, he texted me about how he was disappointed but understood the move. He actually texted a Royals fan about how he was disappointed that Minnesota's third catcher wasn't playing quite as well as the first two catchers. The unmitigated GALL. I've watched the platoon of Martin Maldonado and Cam Gallagher all year, and he's TEXTING ME ABOUT CATCHERS." Tanner, who works for a local liquor distributor, lit a new cigarette with the butt of his old cigarette. "The one positive about this weekend's series is that (Michael) Pineda isn't pitching for Minnesota. The last time we talked, he was worried if Pineda had what it takes to be the fifth starter. Instead of strangling him right there on the spot, I just shrugged, didn't mention that they'll make the playoffs if they run an actual human baby out there every fifth day, and asked how his wife is doing at her new job." Tanner says he plans to go to Saturday's game with you, but would just as soon take the train because he hates looking for parking. Click here to view the article

In an otherwise ideal season, the Minnesota Twins' glaring weakness remains their bullpen. And at least one man is going to let it wreck the next few days.FRIDAY Scott Andersen and his wife Molly are on a rare date night at an upscale restaurant, as Molly’s sister is in town and watching their two children. Molly: Should we get an appetizer? I’m starving, and this glass of wine is gonna hit me like a train if I don’t eat something before dinner gets here. Scott (clearly distracted): Yeah, sure. Molly: You didn’t even hear what I said, did you? Scott (looks up from his phone): Sorry. It's just the Twins bullpen. Blew a gimme against Cleveland, didn't sign Kimbrel, have no idea what they're going to do tonight if it's close. Man. Molly: This is our first night out in five months. Put your phone away. We're getting calamari. Scott (looks up from his phone): Do you want to get an appetizer? SATURDAY Scott and Molly's oldest child, Ashton, is nine. He has his last soccer game of the year today. Molly: Hey, Ashton's in the game again. Look honey. Scott (looking at phone): What's that? Molly: Ashton. Your son. He's back in the game. That's him right there. Scott (still looking at phone): Oh, good. Molly: Is something wrong? Scott: No. I mean, yes, it's just that I'm looking at all these relievers who could be on the market for the Twins but they sure as hell aren't making any moves right now. I bet the Astros wouldn't stand pat. The Red Sox would pull the trigger and get it fixed. It's so aggravating, and it's not li-- Molly (who quit listening two sentences ago): Oh my god Ashton's got a breakaway GO ASHTON! Scott: --and I just read Buster Olney saying that the Twins are willing to let the market come to them and I'm just like, what if the market doesn't develop and Matt Magill has to get the Yankees out in a high-leverage spot? I tell you what will hap-- Molly: OH MY GOD HE SCORED! HONEY HE SCORED! HIS FIRST GOAL! LOOK AT HOW HAPPY HE IS! Scott: Who scored? SUNDAY Molly's brother Sean is graduating from high school. There is a party at the local park shelter with burgers, chips, soda, beer, and other cookout staples. He's the youngest child, and the entire family is celebrating. Molly's father Art walks over to Scott, who is sitting by himself next to the sheet cake. Art: Not going to lie to you, it's going to be weird having no kids at home when Sean goes to college. How do your folks like it? Scott (clearly distracted): Yeah, I know. Art: What? Scott: Sorry, didn't catch that. It's just...it's the Twins. They knew the bullpen was going to be an issue in the offseason, and they did nothing to address it. Unless you call signing Blake Parker addressing it, which I don't! Come on! Everyone saw it coming! Man. Art (who doesn't watch sports and has never really understood his son-in-law): I'm going to get a beer. Want one? Scott (looking at his phone again): I already ate, thanks. Click here to view the article