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Bert Galligan, a divorced business machine salesman from West St. Paul, has begun blaming the Minnesota Twins’ slow start to free agency on Joe Mauer to any and all who will listen, according to multiple nieces and nephews. Everything from holiday celebrations to everyday interactions are affected.[NOTE: This was written prior to reports of a possible Michael Pineda deal. Please ignore that for the purposes of these locally-made, handcrafted jokes.] “He just had a post on Facebook that said ‘Bet the Pohlads had a balloon payment due to Mauer but good luck getting the media to report it’ or something like that,” said John Cushman, Galligan’s nephew and one of the few relatives who hasn’t muted Galligan on the social media platform due to the latter’s constant sharing of stories from something called LibertyPatriot.USA. “Uncle Bert is pretty clearly on fire about this, because he just called my mom (Barbara, Galligan’s sister) for the first time since May and that was the first thing he brought up.” There is no indication that the Twins owe Mauer, who retired in 2018, any money. Uncle Bert is undeterred. “I'm Catholic and my partner’s family is Jewish, so we like to have a combination Hanukkah/Christmas party for anyone in our extended families who wants to attend,” said Teri Klobes, Galligan’s niece. “Here’s the text Bert sent me last night: ‘INSTEAD OF THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS, I BET THE TWINS HAVE A FESTIVAL OF LIGHT WALLETS!’ Then there’s a bunch of emojis, then a curse word, then ‘MAUER’S A BUM!’ Then he said he’d bring chips and a handle of brown liquor.” Galligan, who listens to AM radio 6-8 hours per weekday, has also reached out to strangers to spread his theory. Tabitha Washington, a Salvation Army volunteer at a Mendota Heights grocery store, characterized her conversation with Uncle Bert as “one-sided.” “I’m ringing the bell and humming ‘We Three Kings,’ and he strides up with a $5 bill,” said Washington. “I was about to thank him, but before I could get a word out he says ‘Here’s five bucks more than the Pohlads have spent this Christmas. Suppose you can’t when you gotta pay Mauer’s butler.’ Then he snorted and walked in the store. Who are the Pohlads?” Click here to view the article

Your dad can be relied on for three things: Backing into a parking spot whenever possible; questioning the reliability of any meteorologist with a “Wish I could get paid for being wrong half the time” remark; and confiding that he really thinks this is Kyle Gibson’s breakout year every March.As of Wednesday, the latter is in flux. Gibson signed a 3-year, $30 million deal with the Texas Rangers after spending his entire career with the Twins organization. Your dad’s opinion on the matter was hard to gauge in a brief pre-Thanksgiving phone call. “He was more upset about the city plowing in his driveway after he just got done shoveling,” you told your spouse, who nodded disinterestedly as she watched a Hallmark Christmas movie with Candace Cameron Bure. “I don’t think he’s quite processed what happened.” Gibson’s signing takes one more option off the table for his former team, as the Twins look to build a rotation that can complement a playoff-ready lineup. It also means your dad’s perennial Spring Training opinion may change or go away entirely. “I don’t know where his head is at. These are uncharted waters,” you said to your teenage daughter, who nodded disinterestedly as she browsed TikTok videos. “I don’t think he’s ever said word one about the Rangers, but maybe he’s genuinely invested in Kyle Gibson and his career.” Prior to Gibson’s arrival in 2013, your dad’s most commonly expressed preseason thoughts were wishing Justin Morneau could get healthy and that Phil Cuzzi should be tried in The Hague. “Maybe once they sign somebody, or if they make (Brusdar) Graterol a starter again, that’ll get him focused on 2020,” you said to your dog, who nodded disinterestedly before unleashing another volcanic fart due to the turkey and ham your brother kept feeding him at dinner. “I don’t know where this goes from here. I don’t know if he does either.” Your dad was unavailable for comment on the matter, but he did characterize the potential of another winter storm this weekend as “bullcrap.” Click here to view the article

The surprising hot stove activity of the Chicago White Sox--signing Yasmani Grendal, their rumored pursuit of Zach Wheeler--is causing some tough conversations in Minnesota homes.“I don’t understand, mom,” said 6-year-old Aaron Sillman to his mother. “You said the White Sox were dog poop, like the Tigers. But worse, like Tigers diarrhea.” Joelle Sillman didn’t have a good answer. “I mean, I barely remember yesterday, much less when they won the World Series with A.J. (Pierzynski),” said the Farmington woman. “How do you tell a kid about something so impossible? May as well tell him Spider-Man is real and his new dad.” Other local families are dealing with similar concerns. “Ellen is panicking and having night terrors,” said Julie O’Doyle, discussing her 9-year-old daughter’s recent troubles. “She has zero idea about Ozzie Guillen or Nick Blackburn or Game 163. Why would she? How do you talk to a child about the White Sox being good? It’s horrifying. Adults are scared. I’m scared.” Baseball trauma experts say this is not uncommon. “The first thing I tell troubled parents is that the Chicago White Sox, while absolutely worthy of your disgust and derision, have been good before,” said John Bonnes, a Minneapolis man with a website and frequent attendee of Twins games in the late ‘90s. “They’re usually a terrible team, like the Mets yet somehow worse. But they will occasionally put out a quality product at whatever dumb name their stadium has this year. When kids discover the sad clown is dangerous? It can test any family.” Will Ostrander can confirm this. His nephew Xander was troubled by something he saw about the White Sox on the internet. “Xander loves baseball, and he loves the Twins, so he’s used to being worried about how Cleveland is doing. He was futzing around on my sister’s phone the other day and saw some jerk talking about how Chicago was a new threat in the AL Central. ‘Uncle Will, what is that? It sounds scary.’ How do you prepare for that? How do you respond?” Bonnes said there is no pat answer. “My best advice it to tell them you love them, regardless of what the next day may bring. And that the Twins should sign at least two starting pitchers so we can all sleep better. Maybe three.” Click here to view the article

If I write a dumber joke I'll be impressed with myself.

You have a baseball fan in your life, and the holidays are barreling down on you like Jason Kubel getting sent home by Scott Ullger even though the catcher is holding the ball and checking his phone. You want to give them a thoughtful gift that appeals to their interests, but they don’t need another ballcap or autographed rookie card. Twins Daily is here to help.Houston Astros Home Security You and your family deserve to feel safe in your own home. Let baseball’s Houston Astros get to work. State-of-the-art surveillance technology and bleeding-edge customer service are the hallmarks of HAHS. The best part: There are no costly set-up fees because they’ve already installed it in your home. No need to thank them. They’ve been watching you shame-eat Pringles while watching Property Brothers for a while now and have some thoughts on your diet and viewing habits. Minnesota Twins Power Bar Need a little extra energy to get you through that next workout? The protein-rich, nutrient-packed Minnesota Twins Power Bar is the preferred exercise supplement of the home run record-setting AL Central champs! Minnesota Twins Sleepytime Snack Bar It’s the exact same bar, but if you eat it in the city of New York the effects are reversed. You’ll wake up stressed and resigned to your fate. Science and math can’t explain it! Orel Hershiser’s Oral Herd Sizers Ranchers can’t get enough of this cattle-counting tool from the Los Angeles Dodgers great. Just hold the device aloft anywhere on your property, and the calm, confident voice of the record-setting pitcher will give you an accurate (within 20 head) estimate. Shirtless Brian Dozier Action Figure The former Twins star and current member of the defending World Series champion Washington Nationals is immortalized forever in this pocket-sized, poseable action figure. Features actual Brian Dozier Good Hair and a slick, rock-hard torso that can’t be contained by shirts, tank tops, or jackets. Pair it with your Nick Punto Tearaway Jersey Action Figure for a gritty, sensual tag team! Tom Kelly Comes Over and Talks to Your Rude Teen Son Like He’s Todd Walker Parents, you’ve had it up to here with the backsass and aimlessness of your rude teen son. You’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work. Well, for a nominal fee, former Twins manager Tom Kelly will come to your house and talk to your rude teen son like he did to Todd Walker. Kelly will be unimpressed, sarcastic, and dismissive of whatever your rude teen son does. The tables are turned, Jeremy. And if you want to leave via free agency, Tom will happily drop you off at the closest USMC recruiting station. Click here to view the article

“I know better. I know it’s a different front office and a different mindset. But they’re totally going to sign Kevin Correia. I can feel it.” Jacob Wilson watched the Twins phenomenal 2019 regular season with glee. Despite the quick playoff exit, he initially looked forward to watching Derek Falvey and Thad Levine rebuild the team’s rotation for 2020.Now, though, he’s not so sure. “What if they sign Kevin Correia,” asked the Circle Pines educator. “What if the only improvement is Kevin Correia?” Correia, who has not pitched in the majors since 2015, was signed by the Twins to a 2-year, $10 million deal in 2013 to bolster one of the league’s worst pitching staffs. It didn't work. “They also traded all their center fielders for Vance Worley and Alex Meyer,” said Wilson. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Wilson says that he understands Correia is no longer a major league pitcher, nor appears to harbor any intentions of a comeback at the age of 39. “I know better. I know it’s a different front office and a different mindset. But they’re totally going to sign Kevin Correia. I can feel it.” Local cat owner Aaron Gleeman writes at The Athletic that the Twins can safely budget $50-70 million at minimum on next year’s staff, depending on whether Jake Odorizzi accepts the team’s qualifying offer. Wilson acknowledges that while the numbers make sense, and that the front office’s work with the lineup encourages him, he’s unable to shake a nagging feeling of despair. “If I think about it for even five seconds, logic tells me (signing Correia) will never happen. But I’ve been a Twins fan for years. I remember when they signed and re-signed Mike Pelfrey. I remember the 2013 rotation. I remember Terry Felton. You don’t just walk away from that without some scars. Hell, you’re lucky if they’re scars. Some of those wounds…” Wilson’s voice trailed off. Holding back tears, he paused to gather himself and continued. “My mom broke her kneecap when she was a kid, and whenever the weather changes, she says she can feel it ache. When the Twins have money to spend and talk about improving their pitching? All I feel is Kevin Correia.” (Image license here) Click here to view the article

The former Twins manager knows the future is coming but has some questions about how it’s implemented.High-profile blown calls and ridiculous strike zones in the 2019 playoffs have only enhanced the call for robot umpires. One “old school” MLB manager accepts that something needs to be done. However, he urges caution. “I just need to know this: can I yell at the robots?” asked Detroit Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire. “If the guys are out there getting after it, picking it and taking it the other way, I want blue to keep it fair. If they’re missing calls, they need to hear about it.” The former Twins manager and notoriously fiery baseball lifer allowed that making the strike zone more consistent was necessary. “If I got my guy out there rocking and firing, I want the strikes to be strikes and the balls to be balls. But if they have a robot back there and one of their wires gets crossed, I’m going to defend my guy. Is it a person-shaped robot like The Terminator? Is it just a goldang laptop on a card table? I’m going to give it what for regardless, but I just need to know if I can do that.” A spokesperson for Major League Baseball said that no determination on changes in umpiring have been made, and likely wouldn’t be until the Winter Meetings. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the ghost of Earl Weaver issued a statement that Weaver wants all robot umpires to know that, like their human forebears, they can perform a physically impossible sexual act upon themselves and then do the same to their mothers, grandmothers, and a startling variety of woodland creatures. For his part, Gardenhire just wants there to be clear guidelines when there are issues to be addressed. “Robots are one thing, but what if they use one of them flying robots,” said Gardenhire, referring to drones. “Nothing gets my blood up more than an umpire who turns his back on me when I’m saying my piece. They get a robot that can fly away? Not gonna happen, not on my watch. I gotta hear your bleeps and bloops, you're gonna hear me, that's for certain.” Click here to view the article

“The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them.”Minnesota’s inglorious playoff exit this October had no small share of culprits, but the dark forces aligned against the Twins want to make it clear: the unjuiced playoff baseball was a key factor. “Given their lack of pitching depth and a very patient Yankees lineup, we knew they had an uphill battle to begin with,” said a spokesperson for Twins, Over Many Many Years, Have to Experience Revulsion, Regret (TOMMYHERR). “But we couldn’t leave anything to chance. They hit a lot of home runs in 2019. We needed to do something about it and we did. We deserve some credit.” The “dead” postseason baseball is just the beginning of TOMMYHERR’s work. “Their lineup is stacked, their farm system is loaded, and they have the money to fix their rotation,” said the spokesperson, who declined to give a name and wore a Yankees jersey with CUZZI LOL LOL emblazoned above the number 666 on the back. “The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them. For us, there is no offseason.” Although TOMMYHERR declined to give precise plans for any future actions against Minnesota (“The pain needs to be fresh and unexpected, it just hurts so much more that way"), they did mention there were many options on the table in the event of a 2020 playoff berth, including: The Old Testament.Making Minnesota’s bats all splinter-y by the handles and hiding the tweezers.Teams from the northernmost state only get one outfielder now, competition committee must have forgotten to tell you. Rules are rules though.Robot umpires programmed by Hunter Wendelstedt.Target Field home locker room used as stable for horses trained to kick and bite.The spokesperson was asked why TOMMYHERR would wait until October to sabotage the Minnesota Twins, rather than midseason or even Spring Training. “As we saw this year, building up people’s hopes only to watch them crumble like rocks into the sea is glorious agony,” said the spokesperson, who smelled faintly of sulfur and did not have a reflection. “The fans and the team itself really were convinced they could defeat the Yankees. It was remarkable. The devastation was exquisite. I don’t know how we can top it, but that’s the thing about baseball: There’s always next year.” Click here to view the article

"How hard could it be?"Twins Daily has learned that the Minnesota Twins plan to replace the human who portrayed beloved fake bear TC with a real, live bear. “It’s no secret that baseball’s fan base is aging, and we need to appeal to a younger crowd if we want to grow the sport,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “The market research is clear. Millennials and Gen Y crave authenticity and a lack of artifice. Parading a grown man in a bear costume about Target Field just doesn’t land with them. We’re going to give them something real.” Sources tell Twins Daily that the team is already auditioning bears in the Ely area to replace Greg Wilfahrt, the man who portrayed TC the last two decades. “There was some pushback within the organization,” said a front office source with knowledge of the process. “Lots of ‘What if it eats a baby or Max Kepler’ scenarios. They’re fair points, but at the end of the day, how hard could it be? They’re just big dogs. We’ll put up a few extra nets and give them some peanut butter.” Levine says the Twins hope that the new TC will continue to perform their predecessor’s duties. “The home run contests in the outfield are probably just a matter of coaching the new TC up,” said the GM. “James (Rowson, Twins hitting coach) isn’t afraid of a challenge. And while there’s definitely been some static about having an enormous bear guided only by an urge to feed and mate visiting hospitals, we’ve seen how patients’ eyes light up when TC enters their room. Those service elevators are pretty big, gotta figure we can squeeze a bear and, say, Sergio Romo in there.” This is not the first time the Twins have attempted to use an actual bear as its mascot. With Wilfahrt battling the flu, the 2009 team brought a brown bear named Patches on its offseason Twins Caravan. It later mauled 23 at a Fergus Falls steakhouse before being subdued by Kent Hrbek. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Over six in ten now believe the beloved Peanuts character will never get one over on Lucy Van Pelt.In a stark shift in public opinion, a new Star Tribune/MPR poll finds that 67% of Minnesota Twins fans now say that they’re either convinced or strongly convinced that Charlie Brown is never going to kick the football. The poll, which started at the end of the second inning during Monday’s Game 3 of the ALDS between the Twins and Yankees and finished after the last out of the game, surveyed 500 Twins fans. “We were surprised to see such a turnaround in our numbers,” said survey director Ed Gilroy. “The same sample group was at 41% just two weeks ago, which we honestly thought was high, given that Charles Schulz has been dead for 19 years.” The Peanuts storyline, revisited over decades of comic strips and cartoons, finds emotional terrorist/young child Lucy Van Pelt tantalizing Charlie Brown with a football before snatching it away at the very last minute. Brown misses the kick, tumbles into the air, and lands on the hard, unforgiving ground, humiliated and beaten once again. “This spike, even with a standard margin of error, defies an easy statistical explanation,” says Gilroy. “There’s been no new Peanuts content since 2000. Nothing in the Charlie Brown universe has changed.” Gilroy admits there are concerns that the pool of respondents might have been emotionally compromised. “Our survey system takes great care to eliminate bias and provide robust, reliable data. That said, many of the people we spoke with on Monday kept saying ‘OH GODDAMMIT’ and using other strong language during the question-and-answer session.” 79% of those surveyed also agreed or strongly agreed that suffering is all they know or will know. Click here to view the article

The last couple decades of this matchup have been hard to watch if you’re a Minnesota fan. Even though the Twins won 101 games this season, they enter this series decided underdogs once again. You need a reason to buy in to this year being different. Here are five of them. 1987. That Twins team was the fourth best out of four teams. They had no business beating Detroit. They had no business beating St. Louis. The third starter was Les Straker. Al Michaels made fun of the Metrodome the entirety of the World Series. Whitey Herzog’s haircut was dumb as hell. Tom Kelly was 17. They won anyway.This can’t keep happening. If ever a team was due to beat another team, it’s the Minnesota Twins versus the New York Yankees. The math is just ridiculous at this point. You are more likely to get hit by spooky lightning while winning the Powerball than to have New York’s record vs. the Twins the last 20 years (don’t look this up). This dominance is unsustainable.We’re good people who deserve nice things. We volunteer in the community. We maintain healthy relationships with our family. We donate to charity. We stay off our phones in restaurants and have meaningful conversations with the rest of the table. The ROI on common decency should frankly be better than what Twins fans have gotten. “You do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because of some potential reward,” some might say. Some might blow it out their ass, no disrespect.The Yankees pitching is different now. Remember when the Yankees had Mike Mussina and Andy Pettitte and they shut out the Twins every game from 1999-2018? Even though they were retired for many of those years, and they just kept doing it anyway? I’ve checked New York’s playoff roster. Neither Mussina nor Pettitte is on it. This is the most positive development for the Twins since they got $50,000 and Johan Santana from the Marlins for Jared Camp. This is not a joke and I am not kidding.DOBNAK. He’s probably going to start Game 2 or 3. He and Devin Smeltzer are the best stories in a season of great stories for the Minnesota Twins. The national media loves guys like this, and they thirst to tell these kinds of tales. I’m not saying Fox or ESPN will lean on MLB to give the Twins a break. I’m also not saying that’s the reason Phil Cuzzi is not a part of this series’ playoff crew. I’m just a man who notices things is all. Nothing more than that. DOBNAK.That weight off your shoulders? That lightness in your step? That’s optimism. Embrace it. Click here to view the article

Henry Blomquist is a busy man. A llkely Twins/Yankees playoff series requires extra planning.Unlike many Twins fans, Henry Blomquist doesn't fear the New York Yankees. "This is a different season. These guys are too young to care about the past, and honestly I'd rather play them than the Astros. Verlander and Gerrit Cole? Let the wild card team deal with that." However, Blomquist does care about time. The 26-year-old Richfield bachelor is working two jobs as he attempts to pay back student loans. The prospect of a Twins/Yankees playoff game makes for a very crowded day. "Do you remember that one game they played earlier this year, went into extra innings, Aaron Hicks won the game and it was a football score," asked Blomquist. "Neither team's pitching has gotten any better. It's going to be a co-rec softball game every night." Blomquist spends his days working at a local credit union, then picks up gigs for a rideshare company in the evening. He figures if he plans it right, he can squeeze in a relatively normal Twins/Yankees game in between the two. "If they can keep it down to, like, a 9-7 game with only one team really going bananas with the pitching changes, I should be able to watch the whole thing, then get people home from bar close and night shifts," said Blomquist. "Squeeze in 3-4 hours of sleep before I have to go back to work in the morning. That should be doable." However, he has no contingency plan if the games go sideways. "I have to accept that there's a chance that 9-7 score is in the 4th inning and Martin Perez is coming into the game," said Blomquist. "Radio doesn't work in my Ultima anymore, but the passengers seem to be alright with these smooth jazz CDs I got at Goodwill. Kenny G. is no substitute for Cory Provus, I'll tell you what." Click here to view the article

“I’ve got a warehouse full of these damn things. I’ve worked every weekend for two years. I need this. I need this.”Pete Tesch needs a win. The 57-year-old Waconia resident sells swimming gear and swimming accessories for a living. In a state with long winters, the margins are slim and the selling season short. The best way to make it to the next summer: clubhouse celebrations by local sports enterprises. “None of these guys wanna get prosecco and Budweiser in their eyes, it stings,” says Tesch. “They get their magic number down to single digits or get up 3-1 in a series, they come to Pete. Outside of the (Minnesota) Lynx, not a lot of teams have been coming to Pete.” While swimming lessons and water parks provide some off-season income, Tesch says the real moneymaker is a pennant or a title run. “Chlorine stings a lotta kids’ eyes, and those parks pump those water slides full of it because some dope from Mower County forgets to put a swim diaper on his triplets,” says Tesch. “Still, their folks are just gonna get some cheapies. Eddie Rosario? He’s going to get the Cadillac of goggles. He’s going to get the Seaview 180. He’s going to get a dozen of them.” Tesch held up the swim mask in question. “Retails for $89. Top-of-the-line. Sleek, comfortable, watertight. It has a snorkel for oxygen or liquor intake. I’ve got a warehouse full of these damn things. I’ve worked every weekend for two years. I need this. I need this.” Tesch was asked if it mattered if the Twins clinched in Minnesota or on the road. “Buddy. I will drive these things straight to Detroit if they clinch next week. I got the Google Maps on my phone. If Cleveland snipes them I’ll drive to Cleveland. I know their goggles guy. I’ll take him down.” Click here to view the article