RandBalls Stu

This week, Twins Daily checks in on a veteran starting pitcher with an injury history who actually worked out for the Minnesota Twins. Subject: Carl Pavano Why You Remember Him: Oh, man. Carl Pavano. Won a title with the Marlins, signed a big free agent deal with the Yankees, then promptly spent the entirety of that deal plagued by injuries (145 innings over four years!). He acquired tabloid nicknames like “American Idle” and “Crash Test Dummy” for his trouble, a helpful reminder that the Twin Cities media is a like a soft, cozy blanket compared to New York’s. The Twins, who have been playing the reclamation project lottery for starting pitchers as long as I’ve been alive, scooped him up in a trade with Cleveland in 2009. Unlike Sidney Ponson, he thrived in Minnesota. Sporting an exquisite mustache from which he likely acquired the strength to build this late-career surge, Pavano was a horse in 2010, finishing 17-11 with a 3.75 ERA, seven complete games, and two shutouts over 221 innings pitched. Would people wear fake Pavano mustaches to Target Field? Yes. Yes, they would. Because this is Minnesota and because they’re New York, he also lost two ALDS games to the Yankees in 2009 and 2010. (If you need a reminder, the 2009 loss was the game after Phil Cuzzi ruined Christmas and America and it was the final Twins game in the Metrodome; the 2010 loss was at Target Field to Andy Pettitte.) Although not quite as effective in 2011 (9-13, 4.30 ERA), he still managed to eat 222 innings. If Dylan Bundy throws 200 innings with that ERA in 2022, we should name a suburb after him. Columbia Heights? Pavano retired in 2014. What You Don’t Remember: The PTBNL traded to Cleveland for Pavano? Yohan Pino. Five years later, he would make his first major league start for…the Minnesota Twins. What You Might Remember: After a rough 2011 outing, Pavano beat the living hell out of a garbage can. If he’d only waited a few more years he could have been a valuable addition to the Houston Astros. What’s He Up To: He did some TV work for the Marlins upon retirement. Most recently, he put his very fancy home on the market. The status of the mustache is unclear at this time, but Twins Daily hopes for the best. View full article

For the duration of this dumb lockout, I’m going to find former Twins of note, tell you a little bit about them, and let you know what they’re doing now to the best of my ability. Subject: Matt Capps Why You Remember Him: Once upon a time, the Twins had a promising catcher named Wilson Ramos stuck behind Joe Mauer. They didn’t have a closer. Joe Nathan was hurt. Terrifying actual giant man Jon Rauch was ineffective. This was also right about the time when people were noticing how much more valuable a good catcher was than a position you could fill with literally any Tom, Ric, or Eddie who could hurl a decent fastball for one inning. But. But! The Twins were still in “we need a proven closer” mode, and they were not going to head into the meat of the schedule without one. What would Goose Gossage think? WHAT WOULD GOOSE GOSSAGE THINK? So, they sent Ramos to Washington for Matt Capps. And Capps was...fine-ish. And “bilateral leg weakness” became a familiar term. And the light-hitting Drew Butera was the catcher instead of Mauer or Ramos. And then the Twins were bad for a long time. Not that I’m bitter about it. What You Don’t Remember: His middle name is Dicus. And he was the winning pitcher in the 2010 All-Star Game. What’s He Up To: Working in the TV booth for the Pirates. One of his co-workers? Former FSN staple Robby Incmikoski. Where have you gone, Telly Hughes? Anything else: The spoonerism for his name is the best one for a Twins pitcher since Willie Banks. View full article

“It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube. The owners of Major League Baseball locked out the players just after midnight on Thursday morning, ensuring baseball’s first work stoppage in over a quarter century. And Shad Browne knows who to blame. “These players are greedy and entitled, I’m sick of ‘em,” said the Fairmont landscaper. “They get paid money to play a game and sometimes you’ve gotta take a stand.” The owners, wealthier than the players by a monstrous degree and living lives of unimaginable luxury, do not receive the same level of disdain from Browne. “Lotta these owners are entrepreneurs who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to make their money,” said Browne incorrectly. “Meanwhile, the modern player just takes a day off when they feel like it. The way I see it, you don’t play, you don’t get paid.” Browne, who took PTO last Monday because the Vikings lost and he was “super hungover,” said he sees a lot of himself in owners, despite this being remarkably untrue. “They’re just trying to run a business same as anyone else,” he said with the steady resolve that only the deeply ignorant possess. “I guess I’d just like to see a little more gratitude and a little less attitude from the millennial generation.” Browne, who used the word “meritocracy” in reference to a country where you don’t have to work a day in your life if your great-granddad sold mustard gas to Kaiser Wilhelm, dismissed the notion that the owners should take some of the blame for instigating the lockout they instigated. “At the end of the day, they’ve got a business to run,” said Browne, for whom the concept of generational wealth has never so much as registered for one second of one day. “If the players can’t handle that, they can get a job just like anyone else. “It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube. View full article

Recently, a dog in Christmas sweater reached out and urged the Twins to sign Byron Buxton. Roxy, a 5-year-old dog in a festive Christmas sweater, has two messages this holiday season. “I would very much like a treat, and the Minnesota Twins should sign Byron Buxton to an extension,” said Roxy. The dog, a Staffordshire bull terrier, hopes the gaudy garment draws attention to her message. “Everyone sees a dog in an ugly sweater and they lose their damn minds,” said Roxy. “Now that I have their attention, I can get them to see the golden opportunity of a long-term deal for one of the game’s dynamic talents. Make no mistake, I hate wearing people clothes and go to great lengths to avoid it, including carpet urination and defiling stuffed animals. But this is important.” Roxy said Buxton’s extensive injury history, while a concern, was outweighed by the center fielder’s overall game. “In the field he saves your starting pitcher a run every game,” said the dog, pausing to bark at the doorbell for 45 seconds before continuing. “And his offense has finally caught up to his elite defense. He hit 19 home runs in 60 games last year. This is the rare chance for a team like Minnesota to retain a superstar in his prime oh my god A BUNNY RABBIT!” Roxy observed a rabbit in the backyard, tore out the doggy door, and unsuccessfully chased it around the backyard. She wandered back into the house. “As I was saying, Buxton’s health actually affords the Twins a chance to get him on an affordable, incentive-laden deal,” said the dog, catching her breath. “If he had been healthy and producing like he did for 162 games in 2021, the price tag would have given the Pohlads a nosebleed.” Roxy noted that she also “did her business” while protecting the household from the bunny threat, and said you should clean it up before one of the kids stepped in it. She ended the interview to go nap in a sunbeam for three hours. View full article

As the Twins weigh their options for the talented center fielder, at least one fan thinks the correct answer is staring them right in the face. Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward. “He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.” Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion. “He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.” Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way. “Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.” When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid. “You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.” Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries. View full article

When the Twins cut Alex Colome loose after one disastrous year, most fans were pleased. For some, though, it triggered concerns that the current generation of fandom that might be getting soft. “When I was growing up, we didn’t just cut a guy loose after a bad year, we kept him on the team for years,” said Stephen Gilchrest, an electrician from Castle Rock Township. “It sucked. I hated every minute of it.” The 50-year-old father of two was in the prime of his Twins-loving life when Minnesota acquired reliever Ron Davis from the New York Yankees. It left a mark on Gilchrest that he says he still feels. “I don’t think you really ever get over something like that,” said Gilchrest, his voice lowering as he battled to keep his emotions in check. “At the same time, it teaches you so many valuable lessons that you can draw on in everyday life.” Such as? “Pain. Life is pain. Keep your expectations low. Understand that the world is not fair, and it will never be fair. Unqualified people will maintain positions of privilege despite flaws so glaring it’ll make your teeth hurt. Ron Davis will be your team’s closer for over four years and there’s nothing you can do about it. Admittedly that last one is super specific, but it still resonates.” Although many might be glad the Twins are opening a new chapter in their search for a 2022 closer, Gilchrest is not among their ranks. “What kind of lesson does it teach the kids of today when the Twins can just go out and make the right decision, just like that,” asked Gilchrest. “I had to suffer for years. I listened to the Jamie Quirk game on the radio and my dog died the next day. I buried Shep and my dreams on the same weekend in 1984. “You know who the closer was in 1985? Ron Davis. That’s when I stopped going to mass.” Gilchrest worries that the move might cause some younger fans to get too confident in the team’s prospects. “They’ll probably get a younger guy on a cheaper deal and he’ll turn out to be OK, maybe even better than OK, and the kids will get their hopes up,” said Gilchrest. “Hope. That’s what always gets you. Hell, I’m thrilled that they’re going in a different direction, but isn’t it even more important to let the children know that nothing gets better? Put Colome out there with a 2-run lead on Opening Day 2022. They’ll learn something that day.” View full article

Entire short-sleeve collared shirt sector “is in shambles,” says expert. The prospect of a Major League Baseball lockout is growing by the day. While impacts on free agency and the 2022 season are only speculative at this point, some segments of the economy are already facing the consequences of a potential work stoppage head-on. “The male beat writers aren’t buying their new Spring Training shirts,” said a source close to the Minnesota chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America. “Can’t justify the expense if there won’t be a spring training.” Replacing the previous year’s shirts, often marred by sweat, spilled coffee, missing buttons, and stains from a staggering variety of dipping sauces, is a hallowed tradition for writers both old and new. Right now, this tradition is riding the pine. “The whole market, be it staid Target golf polos or hideous button downs from brands with names like Panama Beachcomber, is in shambles,” said Steve Mediate, a consumer goods analyst for Forbes. “Clearly, they’re holding off until there’s more clarity from MLB and the players union.” Mediate is concerned that, even if an agreement is reached and a lockout avoided, it’ll be too late for the journalists to acquire their repulsive garments. “There’s a textile factory in Vietnam that specializes in the more garish designs certain baseball writers favor,” said Mediate. “They’ve been shuttered for a month. If he wants a shirt that looks like an educational film about farm accidents, they’re not even making them right now. His best bet for a button down designed by someone who hates the gift of sight and the concept of beauty is a vintage store or Goodwill.” Mediate confirmed that similar impacts are being felt in sectors like sandals and dumb-looking hats. “There are warehouses full of hats that keep the sun off your neck and also make you look like a real chump, a cosmic dorkwad who frankly should be bullied,” said Mediate. “They’re gathering dust and not going anywhere. It’s a mess.” Image license for photo of grotesque shirts here. View full article

‘Pretty cool,’ says the former Twins great. Twins Daily usually stays between the lines as regards content. However, when the best catcher in team history sends a movie review to our Friday correspondent, we disregard the baseball aspect. What follows is Joe Mauer’s review of the 2021 film Dune, now available on HBO Max and in theaters nationwide. Hey guys. I watched the movie Dune at mom’s house. She usually gets sore when me or Jake (Mauer, Joe’s younger brother) watch HBO there because they show S-E-X stuff at night, but I told her this was more like the Star Wars so she let it slide. I wasn’t even telling stories to Mom there, I really thought this was a Star Wars movie. Remember when Luke Skywalker was just driving around the desert with his cool grampa and the robots from England? It was a whole bunch of dunes! Easy mistake to make if you’re asking me. I was wrong. No funny robots or Han Solo, I tell you what. I guess this movie involves Timothy Huggybear or whatever and the one young woman from Shake It Up on Disney Channel and they’re trying to find a bunch of spices and get into adventures? I’ll be honest, it was real tough to follow. The thing is, I knew it was going to be a real weirdo beardo, because my friend Glen (Perkins, former Twins pitcher) told me there was a Dune that came out when I was born with the guy from Twin Peaks and the Police rock band and it was super cool. The thing is Glen always mixes his lies with the truth to mess with me so I knew he was busting my chops lol. Also he might be the devil? Mom’s kinda on the fence about him. Anyway, when Timothy Chandelier and Shake It Up Chicago go on their adventure, it’s pretty fun. I couldn’t follow it all that closely because Jake kept hucking wiffle balls at me while I was trying to watch the ding-dang movie. But the parts I could watch before Jake put Bob Seger on the Bluetooth speakers looked really fun. Anyway, I guess I’d watch this again. Have a great weekend, guys. Stay golden, Joe View full article

Twins fans understand the Eddie Rosario Experience. The exhilarating highs. The baffling lows. The “I can’t believe he just did that, why did he do that, wait it worked never mind” feeling of watching the man patrol the outfield or swing at a pitch that is currently behind him. Atlanta is getting their first taste of the very best part of the ERE, as he demolishes whatever Los Angeles throws at him and puts the Dodgers on the brink of elimination. This is the Eddie that we all grew to love in Minnesota. HOWEVER. We know what comes next. I shouldn’t say we know exactly what comes next. The beauty of the ERE is not knowing how he comes crashing back to earth. Sometimes it’ll be a garden variety mistake like missing a cutoff man or blowing through a stop sign. Others are things that approach art. Given the stakes, it seems obvious that the latter is more likely. Here are my three best guesses as to what comes next: Absolutely nothing. Eddie Rosario continues his blistering pace and carries Atlanta to a World Series title. Minnesota let him walk and Cleveland traded him for the ghost of Pedro Sandoval, of course two of America’s most cursed sports cities would give Eddie extra mojo. An outfield assist goes horribly wrong. There’s a play at the plate. Eddie fields the liner on one hop, winds up, misses the cutoff man, misses the catcher, misses the entire stadium, sails the ball into traffic, hits a city bus, sends the bus into a transformer, causes a chain reaction power outage that exposes dire flaws in the Atlanta electrical grid, sends entire region into chaos and vandalism, Atlanta reverts to subsistence farming and bartering with a collection of feudal lords clashing over control of the humid land. Dodgers advance due to forfeit. A crucial plate appearance goes sideways. A mighty swing and there it goes, a walk-off HR! But no. The bat has also flown out of Eddie’s hands. It connects a second time with the ball in flight, sending it into the waiting talons of a migratory bird. The bird carries it for miles before dropping it over Tropicana Field in Tampa, Florida. It falls through a hole in the roof and hits the catwalk in foul territory. Foul ball. Eddie strikes out on the next pitch, ending the rally and Atlanta’s season. That said, I’d like to hear your thoughts below. How do these playoffs end for Eddie Rosario? Does he quit in the middle of a game to become an HVAC repair tech? Wear a Hawaiian shirt to the plate? Hide all of Atlanta’s bats and gloves before the game because he “just loves pranks.” It’s the only interesting thing left in this postseason, and I can’t wait to find out. Image license here. View full article

Jorge Polanco was the runaway winner of the MVP vote for the 2021 Minnesota Twins. But the rest of the ballot was a challenge for the local Baseball Writers Association of America, given the team’s struggles this season. Although the ballots are private, sources have provided Twins Daily with an exclusive look at the Others Receiving Votes category. We share them with you now. 1977 Rod Carew A sturdy and stylish neck fan for hot press box nights. “Porge Jolanco” A screenshot of the happy hour menu at The Loon Justin Fields The cool dark of the grave A pre-owned 1990 Toyota Celica that’s paid off and can still get you around town. Nicorette Staring into space as Andrelton Simmons takes another horrifying at-bat, pondering your place in the universe, realizing you’re just a speck, a mote in the vast tapestry of existence and realizing that none of it matters and that’s OK. Secretly delighting when fans start the wave and spill beer and nacho cheese on themselves. Kirill Kaprizov Billy Zane, the actor Some town ball guy from the Hadley Buttermakers who used to work at the feed store and hit a home run that landed in Slayton. Think his name was Brian, might have been Wade though. Pictures of dogs and sunsets on Instagram but not at the same time, that’s trying too hard. Bone-deep sighs. Gleeman’s HBO Max password. LaMonte Wade Jr. LOLOLOLOL BOGO frozen pizza week at area Lunds & Byerlys stores. Boneless wings Bone-in wings, what are you a baby Blue Bloods, every Friday night at 9 on CBS. Coffee that’s been sitting in the pot for three hours. Bitter, sludgy, the good stuff, let’s you know you’re alive. The artistry of Billy Joel. Going to Target on a Saturday night when no one else is shopping and you have the store to yourself and you see yourself on the security cam at the self-checkout and you look like you lost a little weight in your face. Caleb Thielbar View full article

Twins fans have a hole in their lives. With the 2021 season now concluded, they’re no longer spending time or energy being massively disappointed by the hometown nine. Twins Daily offers 12 things that can fill that gap. The Minnesota Vikings. They looked incredible in one game and lost the other three games in unique and frustrating ways. It’s the platonic ideal of four Vikings games and there’s no reason to think it won’t continue. The Minnesota Timberwolves. They have a talented young core and are surrounded by front office chaos. They’ve been around for 30 years and been good for about two of them. A safer bet is hard to find. The Minnesota Wild. The most playoff-ready team in town. In March, that title was held by the Minnesota Twins. It’s not a crown you want to wear. The MLB Postseason. So many enemies of the common good, so few teams to pull for. If you have any friends rooting for the White Sox because they’re from the AL Central, you know they’ve never really been your friend and will try to get you to invest in their MLM someday soon. And yet, you can’t root for the vile, cheating Astros either. No thanks to Atlanta or Boston or LA. The best-case World Series scenario is probably Rays/Giants? Grim. Maybe you can talk yourself into the Brewers, just for having a Wisconsin fan base less insufferable than Green Bay’s? That’s between you and your God. The weather. It’s either going to be too warm to snow and everything is grey and brown, or too cold to enjoy. The worst storm of the season will be on the day you have to drive or fly somewhere. Thankfully, this will only last for 5-7 months. Also the sun is already setting as you read this. University of Minnesota athletics. Football team lost to Bowling Green. Men’s basketball team is picked to finish 14th out of 14 teams. They killed the track program. Lindsay Whalen can only do so much. New music from your favorite band or singer. It’ll probably be super slow, overly experimental, or have too many horns. This always happens and we don’t talk about it enough. The global supply chain. If you’re reading this and haven’t ordered your holiday gifts yet, it’s too late. If you’re reading this and have ordered your holiday gifts, it’s still too late. Cutting the cord. Add up the cost of your streaming services. Compare it to your old cable/satellite bill. Remember that none of them carry the Twins or NewsRadio seasons 1-4. Scream into a pillow. Minnesota United. They’re fighting for a playoff spot. The supporter groups want to fire the coach. They’ll probably get eliminated on an own goal or forfeit because they’re too injured to field an entire team. Free Agency. Remember how hopeful you were when the Twins made those veteran signings last year? Remember how sad you were all summer? Yeah. Uncle Gene. Dammit, Gene. View full article

The Twins shortstop is skeptical of the official narrative behind Devin Williams’ injury. When Milwaukee’s ace setup man Devin Williams fractured his pitching hand after celebrating the team’s playoff clinching victory, reactions were pretty much uniform: that’s some real bad luck for the Brewers and/or worse decision making by Williams. For one shortstop, it only led to more questions. “What is Anthony Fauci hiding,” asked Andrelton Simmons of the Minnesota Twins, referencing the doctor who leads the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. “He hasn’t said a word about this. His silence says more than any public statement.” Simmons, a public vaccine skeptic, had harsh words for those who believed the accounts of Williams, the Brewers, media outlets, the Commissioner’s office, and objective reality. “The Brewers are a legitimate title contender and you people actually believe that one of their best players, after they lock up a playoff berth, would punch a wall with his pitching hand,” said Simmons. “I’m literally laughing out loud. Sure he did, sheeple. Sure he did.” When pressed on what he thinks really happened, Simmons looked to the past. “The Brewers were already 85% vaccinated in May, and now one of their best players has a broken hand,” said Simmons. “Not one Brewer pitcher broke his pitching hand before last year’s playoffs. You know what else didn’t happen before last year’s playoffs? Vaccinations. Connect the dots, my friend.” Simmons also claimed that while there’s no proof that the FDA trapped former Twin Marty Cordova in a tanning bed and caused him to miss multiple day games, “they’ve never denied it, either. Funny how that works.” View full article