RandBalls Stu

With the truncated season just days away, cheers and organ music take a backseat to the ‘90s anthem.Major League Baseball sent iPads to every team, including Minnesota, pre-programmed with ambient ballpark noise, from cheers to claps to walk-up music. The Twins, while grateful for the gesture, are following their own path as they prepare to play ball in an empty Target Field. “Man oh man, do I love Chumbawamba,” said Derek Falvey, the team’s President of Baseball Operations, referencing the British band behind the hit 1997 single “Tubthumping.” Multiple team sources confirm that the song will replace applause, boos, chants, and organ sounds. Batters can still use their preferred walk-up music, provided that the song’s creator has covered “Tubthumping” and they use that cover. “It defaults back to the original otherwise,” noted Falvey. Players were confused, but said they’d adjust. “What’s a Chumbawamba,” asked catcher Mitch Garver. “I honestly don’t know.” “The ‘I get knocked down’ song, oh yeah, I remember that,” said prize free agent acquisition Josh Donaldson. “I’ve played at Tropicana Field in September, this will only be stranger on the margins.” Falvey says the 7th inning stretch will also sound different. “Obviously, there won’t be fans around to stand up and sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ so we won’t be playing it,” said Falvey. “However, we will be playing ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba.” As for the National Anthem, the Twins will continue rising to salute America prior to the first pitch. “That is one tradition we don’t mess around with,” said Falvey. “We’ll continue to stand, remove our caps, and honor America every night. However, instead of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ we’ll be singing ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba.” Falvey, who joined the Twins in 2016, said he’s hopeful that the team can reach the playoffs in this shortened season. “We have about two months to gel as a team and get to the ultimate prize,” said Falvey. “The Fall Classic, with Chumbawamba throwing out the first pitch then playing their hit song ‘Tubthumping’ on the outfield grass. It’s what every player and every fan dreams of.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

“What’s the worst that could happen,” asked one club official. “We laugh in the face of danger.”Byron Buxton, Minnesota’s mega-talented center fielder, is 100% healthy as the Twins begin summer workouts. Rather than play it safe, the team pushed its luck on Thursday and released a full 162-game schedule for 2021. “We never thought we’d be here,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “The feeling is, frankly, incredible. We’re like a gambler in Vegas who’s way up and decides, bleep it, hit me. Let. It. Ride.” As American sports struggle to resume regular operations in the face of a rampaging pandemic, this bold action is the latest sign that this once conservative franchise is charting a new course. “We acknowledge that there are any number of obstacles that could derail a full 2021 season,” said Levine. “We also acknowledge that you can’t tell us anything right now. Byron Buxton has a clean bill of health! In 2020! We laugh in the face of danger. I’m asking Jose Berrios, Luis Arraez, Josh Donaldson, and Nelson Cruz to reenact every stunt in all three Jackass movies. Team-building exercise. Bring it on.” Levine says this new philosophy extends to his personal life as well. “Got in the car this morning to head to Target Field. Needle was on E. First of all, that’s just a guess by Honda. Second of all, everyone knows that you have 50 miles in that tank, minimum, once that light comes on. Google it. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Google results are unclear on this.) Got to the park without issue, and I anticipate I’ll get home just fine. Tokyo Drift that bad boy right to the interstate, crank (Metallica’s) Master of Puppets, and let momentum and technology do the rest.” Levine then asked a reporter if they'd hunted "the most dangerous game. You know what I'm talking about." The reporter declined to answer. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Unconfirmed reports say multiple players, staff devoured or chomped by Earl, a rogue alligator from Orlando.Target Field saw its first baseball action of the season this week, as players began reporting for a delayed spring training. Excitement soon turned to chaos as a rogue alligator “gave a good old Everglades chomping” to numerous players, staff, and journalists. “The team wanted it to feel as much like a Florida spring training environment as possible,” said Larry Thurman, VP of Community Engagement for Orlando’s Wilderness Safari and Topless Frozen Yogurt Bar. “We sent up a couple gators to give it a real Sunshine State feel. I guess Earl got a bit peckish.” Earl was one of two gators loosed in the Twins clubhouse on Wednesday, where he terrorized and/or gnawed on multiple players and team officials. “(Max) Kepler came tearing through the clubhouse yelling about the green bear and I was very confused,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “Turns out Glen (Perkins, retired Twins pitcher and south metro handyman) told him that’s what alligators were when Max got here from Germany and no one corrected him. Anyway, that’s when I saw Earl going to town on a couple advance scouts and I got out of there.” Minneapolis Animal Control sedated the alligator, and team officials say that while there are multiple injuries and “extensive” gouging, there were no fatalities. Reports that Dan Gladden attempted to ride the gator like a motorcycle and compared it unfavorably to Steve Lombardozzi are unconfirmed at this time. The other alligator, Eugene, appeared to tire quickly and settled in for a nap on top of The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. Officials say both the gator and Gleeman appear to be sleeping soundly and there are no plans to disturb them. A team spokesperson said the workouts at St. Paul’s CHS Field will go on as scheduled this weekend but with less immediately hazardous Florida effects. Sprawling retirement villages, championship golf courses that wipe out native wetlands, and extensive insurance fraud are all expected to take over the capital city's Lowertown neighborhood beginning Friday afternoon. Click here to view the article

In the face of spiking COVID rates and labor unrest, one man sets time aside to dream of better days.Eugene Bauer, 67, considers himself a realist. He keeps up on the news, he’s online a little too much, and enthusiastically consumes podcasts. He knows the continued rise of coronavirus cases and hospitalizations in parts of the country will make it difficult for baseball to come back, much less continue for a “full” 60-game season. But from 6:45-6:50 pm on Thursday night, he stepped away from those intrusive thoughts and gave himself five full minutes of baseball-derived pleasure. “I share season tickets with some old work friends,” said the Maplewood retiree. “I thought about the team letting a handful of people into Target Field to watch a game and being able to see Josh Donaldson destroy a hanging curve in person. I have a Kramarczuk’s sausage in my hand. The ball lands on the plaza. I smile a smile bigger than when my daughter divorced her second husband. “He was a professional DJ who went by the name Nasty J, but his real name was Joshua, and he went to Moorhead State for 8 years,” he added. “I hated him.” In those 300 blissful seconds, Bauer’s imagination ran wild. “I’m up late. My wife (Marianne) is asleep. There are multiple west coast games on TV. Can you even imagine? Giants are playing the Rockies, Mariners are playing the A’s, and there’s a rain-delayed Cubs-Braves game in the 4th inning. I get a beer out of the fridge and open it. I’m going to fall asleep in the chair tonight.” Before he snapped out of it to solve the final puzzle on Wheel of Fortune, Bauer allowed himself a moment of true glee. “The day of the World Series parade is the last nice afternoon before it gets super cold. I’m wearing a light jacket and a mask that are the same powder blue as the ‘70s Twins uniforms. Everyone is keeping their distance and cheering. TC Bear throws me an autographed baseball. He removes his head and it’s A.J. Pierzynski. He swears at me, smiles, and keeps walking. “I know it’s unlikely. But it sure would be something.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

"It's going to blow their minds to find out just how much those guys make," said one expert. "The health impacts are unknowable and a risk we can't encourage."The Centers for Disease Control advise Facebook Rage Uncles and Star Tribune commenters to avoid learning that Major League Baseball owners are far wealthier than the players. “Right now, with public health at a premium and hospital capacity so vitally important, it’s imperative that the most irate and irrational among us continue on their merry way, oblivious and dumbstruck” said CDC spokesperson John T. Brooks. “Learning something new, factually correct, and completely at odds with their worldview could lead to shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and other adverse effects.” Despite the owners’ obvious and complete culpability in baseball’s current impasse, Anoka resident and classic North Metro reactionary Tom Hanson said he agreed with the CDC’s directive. “The players are greedy bums,” said Hanson. “There are exceptions, like Curt Schilling and Aubrey Huff, but most of them are just lazy. Nothing’s going to change my mind.” Brooks said any attempts to persuade others that the owners are far wealthier than the players, and a much worthier target of their anger, are discouraged. “Any fair-minded person might attempt to convince others that the owners are entirely at fault in this instance, and their wealth far surpasses that of your average corner infielder. Perhaps when we’ve reached herd immunity or discovered a therapeutic or vaccine for COVID-19, it might be worthwhile to pull Uncle Rich aside and tell him to shut his godforsaken piehole. But now is not that time. It’s for the greater good.” For his part, Hanson said he prefers to remain oblivious to the fact that he pays more in income tax than every owner despite being mostly unemployable. “They’re paid to do two things: play a game, stand for the anthem, and shut up.” Hanson denied those were three things and refused to discuss the matter further. Click here to view the article

“We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said one representative.Amid nationwide tumult over the problematic legacy of historical figures and the statues that recognize them, Minnesota DFLers and Republicans found rare common ground on Thursday. “When baseball resumes again, Twins fans will find a new statue of former Commissioner Bud Selig that they are encouraged to ransack and pillage,” said Dan Wolgamott (DFL-St. Cloud). “I listened to my constituents on this one,” said Jim Nash (R-Waconia). “They’re pretty skeptical of any government spending, but they heard this and were ready to pay for it themselves ten times over. It was inspiring.” Selig was the Commissioner of Major League Baseball from 1998-2015 and was a key figure in the attempt to contract the Minnesota Twins in 2001. Experts agree that if one were to draw a mental picture of a used car salesman underwater with creditors forced to watch his only daughter french kiss a Hell’s Angel, it would look like Bud Selig. “We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said Brad Tabke (DFL-Shakopee). “Minnesota’s welders and artisans have stepped up to consult on crafting a truly wretched ogre of a statue, one that incites disgust and a palpable rage in all who see it. I expect it to be as iconic as the Bemidji Paul Bunyan, only covered in rotten fruit and excrement.” The statue, which is expected to show the former commissioner in a pose reminiscent of when the All-Star Game finished in a tie, will also showcase his background as owner of the Milwaukee Brewers. “To give it that true Brewers game experience for Twins fans, it will feature speeding tickets from the Tomah, Menomonie, and Wauwatosa police departments,” said Nash. “We’re hoping to also land an authentic event day port-a-potty from Lambeau Field or Summerfest to sit next to the bronze nightmare. The horrors contained within would really pull the entire thing together.” Click here to view the article

Dan’s Bar & Grill in New Trier, Minnesota resumed outdoor service this week. David Petersen can’t wait for his Saturday reservation.“I hope someone yells at me,” said Petersen. “I miss it so much.” The longtime town ball and Legion ball umpire says that, with summer baseball not happening across the state, he finds himself yearning for the screams and verbal abuse heaped upon him by players and fans alike. “There’s nothing like being behind home plate, the sun setting in the rural Minnesota sky, tie game, you call a clear strike a ball, and people start saying “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE DAVE YOU [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE],’” said Petersen. “Sometimes their kids say it with them. There’s nothing like it in the world.” The Hastings native says he made his reservation for as late in the day on Saturday as he could. “I figure some of the guys might be a little tuned up, be a little more confrontational about me observing that their foot is over the imaginary line when they’re throwing bags,” said Petersen. “He’ll get in my face and his girlfriend will yell at me for being an idiot and at Dwayne for causing a ruckus. I can smell the Mich Golden Light and Skoal on their breath. Just like old times.” Petersen hopes to clear up some misconceptions with patrons willing to chat with him at a social distance. “For one thing, I have perfect 20/20 vision, despite a campaign in the city of Jordan to declare me legally blind and the Carver County Attorney charging me with roasting and eating my guide dog. “For another, my mother is not nearly as sexually promiscuous as the Minnetonka Millers baseball team has repeatedly claimed. She has been married to my father for 47 years. She did not invent herpes, contrary to both the Diane Petersen Herpes Outreach Group on Facebook and the ‘DIANE PETERSEN: INVENTOR OF HERPES, MOTHER OF DAVE’ billboard in the New Ulm area.” Petersen says if he has a hard time getting the other patrons going, he has a failsafe. “I’m wearing a blue shirt, black pants, and black shoes already. But just in case, I’m bringing a mask and chest protector. It’s like a magnet for guys who peaked in high school and chronic red asses. I can’t wait.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Deadspin is terrible now, but it used to be somebody. The old, good Deadspin ran a segment called Let’s Remember Some Guys, wherein they would open a pack of old baseball cards and remember some guys. Like Steve Jeltz. Steve Jeltz!Since everything is objectively terrible, and we are sorely lacking in dumb sporting events to distract from how objectively terrible everything is, I’m going to remember some Minnesota Twins off the top of my head. They are not ranked in order of preference or ability or grit or hustle or WAR. They are listed in the order I remembered them after three beers while sirens wailed in the St. Paul night. I hope this helps you in some way, because it sort of helped me. Jarvis BrownDave GoltzPaul ThormodsgardRob WilfongMike MaksudianScott StahoviakHouston JimenezDoug CorbettTom NietoHosken PowellWillie NorwoodGeoff ZahnGlenn AdamsDave EngleButch HuskeyJoe CredeDave HollinsRick SofieldLenny FaedoMike CubbageKeith AthertonFrank PastoreCraig KusickDavid WestKenny LandreauxWillie BanksKen SchromRusty KuntzGary WardMatt LawtonTodd SearsMichael RestovichEric SoderholmSteve BryeDisco Danny FordBombo RiveraMidre CummingsChris LathamMark PortugalNeal HeatonAndre DavidJason PridieJesus VegaGerman GonzalezShane RawleyAnd last but certainly not least, Dan NaultyIf you want to remember some Twins, please leave their names in the comments. And yes, we remember Junior Ortiz. Everyone does. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Last season’s 101-win performance elevated 2020 expectations for the Twins, but they wouldn’t have been the first Minnesota team to turn optimism into a sadder reality. With the team in first place at the unofficial start of summer, Twins Daily asked players and staff to comment on the season so far and what happens next.Minnesota fans had every reason to be optimistic entering the 2020 season. A relatively easy division, a potent 1-9 lineup, and improved rotation options all led to confident predictions of postseason baseball. Still, things sometimes just don’t work, be it a due to injury or regression or clubhouse strife. The Twins have surmounted those obstacles so far and are guaranteed to be in first place come Memorial Day. “There haven’t been any games,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “I mean, yes, technically we’re in first place, but so is everyone else. “There’s a pandemic,” he added. While the Twins have held their own, they are joined in first place in the AL Central by Cleveland, their consensus rival for the division crown. Joining them are the surprising White Sox, Royals, and Tigers. “I don’t know what this means,” said Twins outfield Max Kepler. “This is very confusing to me.” No team in the rest of the American League has broken from the pack. We asked Twins center fielder Byron Buxton if he felt this improved the odds for a deep postseason run. “What’s wrong with you,” said the speedy outfielder. “Stupid. Just stupid.” With the team competitive as June nears, we asked Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey if the front office was working the phones to make some moves in advance of a possible pennant run. “We are not in the office right now,” said Falvey. “There’s no season right now. Are you OK?” One thing is for sure, Twins fans are excited and ready to go for what promises to be a thrilling summer at Target Field! “We probably won’t be able to have fans in the stadium this summer even if we can play,” said Falvey. “You really seem like you’re not well?” Image license here. Click here to view the article

With baseball’s return still nebulous at best, one local fan looks to competitive auto racing for a different kind of sporting event.Motorsports have never been Mike Holmberg’s thing. “I was never a car guy,” said the Minneapolis accountant. “I didn’t even own one until after college. That people raced them for money just seemed like one of those weird little subcultures that some people get wildly enthusiastic about. Like antiques or Phish.” With Holmberg’s beloved Minnesota Twins still sidelined due to the COVID-19 outbreak, he’s exploring his options. “The KBO (Korean Baseball Organization) games on ESPN are fine, but the hours don’t align with my job or teaching the kids,” said the 34-year-old. “Then I saw a story that NASCAR was going to do live racing this weekend. I’ve got nothing but time, so if I’m ever going to get into it…” The main hurdle is his utter lack of knowledge. For that, he’s called in outside assistance. “My cousin Tony lives in Sauk Rapids (MN) and has been going to races and demolition derbies his whole life,” said Holmberg. “How can I put this delicately? He’s kind of a dirtbag—mullet, sleeveless t-shirts, not always employable. But he knows racing like the back of his hand.” What Tony told Holmberg about NASCAR left him confused and curious. “OK, so apparently they make left turns the entire race. And they don’t have enough gas to run an entire race, so they gotta fill up the tank every so often. I asked Tony why they didn’t make a bigger tank or improve gas mileage so they didn’t have to stop and do this, and he said something about me and Jeff Gordon performing an intimate act on a farm animal. I don’t know who that is.” Holmberg’s cousin also made it very clear that NASCAR and Indy car racing are not the same thing. “I told him I’d heard of the Indianapolis 500 before, and you could hear the disgust in his voice when he said it may as well be the Mars 500 for all he cared. I said I’d also heard the name Dale Earnhardt before and he just got real quiet. I think he cried. Which is weird, because at Tony’s mom’s funeral he left during mass to put down a heater and play pull tabs at Jimmy’s Pour House. He’s not really an emotional guy.” To prep for this weekend, Holmberg has been watching archival footage suggested by Tony. “I’ve been watching clips on YouTube, and a thing that seems to happen a lot is that the drivers will get in these horrible, full-speed accidents, climb out of their vehicles unscathed, and then start brawling with each other. It’s the damnedest thing. I honestly think if Carlos Gomez hadn’t found baseball, he’d be perfect for this sport.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

Mysterious connection between the hot corner and precognition defies experts, imparts semi-valuable information.When Trevor Plouffe broke news of baseball’s potential 2020 comeback on Tuesday night, he was both mocked and ridiculed. Vindication soon arrived, as ESPN’s Jeff Passan confirmed much of what Plouffe tweeted about the next day. Left unsaid was Plouffe’s source: His fearsome ability to see the future. Although he would not comment to Twins Daily about the matter, multiple sources confirmed that Plouffe has inherited the gift of the second sight, and he is just the latest Twins third baseman to acquire this power. “Pretty much since (John) Castino, every Twins third baseman can divine events that have not been or soon will be,” said a clubhouse source. “No one really knows why, no one really questions it. It just is.” This baleful gift, which arrives without notice and leaves just as quickly, tips former and current Twins third basemen about future events. Notable incidents include: Gary Gaetti, 1986: Gaetti saw a vision that the powerful Soviet Union would soon collapse. It led him to write the song “Winds of Change,” which he gave to the German rock band The Scorpions. He asked not to receive songwriting credit, as it was a gift from the universe.Mike Pagliarulo, 1991: The veteran third baseman woke up the day of World Series Game 7, picked up his landline telephone, called the Bloomington Perkins, and said “There will be a major winter storm in five days and no one is ever going to shut up about it” before hanging up. He does not remember making the phone call. Restaurant manager Esther Johnson said it helped her and her staff prepare for the 1991 Halloween Blizzard.Dave Hollins, 1996: The journeyman walked into the Metrodome clubhouse one June afternoon and told teammates that, 24 years hence, people would Google the 1996 Minnesota Twins and be completely floored that Dave Hollins was the third baseman. Neither he nor his teammates knew what this meant.Corey Koskie, 2014: The Canadian favorite was told by an eerie, childlike voice that the Wheel of Fortune final puzzle on Wednesday, August 21, 2014, would be “LAUGHING OUT LOUD.” He didn’t bother to check and commented “This is a stupid [expletive] gift.”This is said to be “at least the second vision” Plouffe has received this year. A source with knowledge of the third baseman’s thinking said Plouffe had a vivid dream in February that he’d soon have a hard opinion about a woman named Carole Baskin and her first marriage. Image license here. Click here to view the article

St. Paul man doesn’t have any games to analyze or stats to crunch. In these desperate times, he’s creating his own.John De Vries loves doing the math. Baseball’s endless supply of statistics has led the local data analyst down pleasurable wormholes about launch angles, exit velocity, and win shares. MLB shutting down amid the COVID-19 outbreak prevents new inputs and has caused a minor crisis in the De Vries household. “Obviously, we’re all looking for distractions right now,” said De Vries. “And my main distraction has always been baseball stats. Those are gone, vanished.” The scramble to fill his extra free time proved fruitless. Abortive attempts at woodworking (“I keep getting splinters”), becoming a scotch guy (“expensive swamp water”), and understanding TikTok (“This feels like it’s actively harmful”) depressed him even further. At wit’s end, he found something different. Something far removed from the national pastime but one that still allows for analysis and modeling. “My wife and I were watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey one night, and one of the wives shoved another one for getting all up in her business, when she’d clearly been told she oughtn’t,” said De Vries. “We’ve seen this situation unfold a number of times in various iterations of the show. And that’s when it occurred to me: How often has this happened before? Are there patterns? Are there tendencies? And can we predict when it happens again?” De Vries got to work immediately, watching hours and hours of Real Housewives programming. The show, which claims to document the lives of glamorous, affluent women named Jacqueline or Nicole in various urban centers, soon revealed observable data that could be documented and, perhaps, understood. The project, tentatively called Real Housegraphs, has led to quantifiable metrics, including: Value Over Replacement Wife (VORW). This measures the quality, worth, and subtlety of the housewife’s attire/jewelry/accessories versus which marriage her spouse is on.Expected Friends Made While Not Here For It (xFM/WNHFI). If a new housewife is introduced to the show, she often says she’s not there to make friends. This attempts to gauge how many lasting friendships or enemies are made over the life of her story arc.Dousing Average on Champagne In Glass (DACIG). How much of the champagne in a housewife’s glass ends up in another housewife’s face due to perceived disrespect/giving her that look again, versus how much is consumed?Weighted Drama Created Plus (wDC+). Not just who is causing drama, but when and why? Is the conflict caused in high leverage situations like season finales or crossover specials? Is the perpetrator conniving due to financial considerations, potential spin-offs, vodka?“I miss baseball,” added De Vries. "Man." (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

The NFL Draft is one of the dumbest things I watch, and I’ve watched a lot of dumb things. Super dumb things. For example, I once paid money to watch Scott Aldred pitch.The evolution of the NFL Draft doubles as a history of ESPN. What started as a janky, beige vehicle for middle-management types doing their jobs in sport coats at card tables is now its own industry. Draft analyst is a real job that people have. MULTIPLE PEOPLE. If you had shown up at the NFL Draft in 1981 claiming to be an NFL draft analyst, they would have either kicked you out of the Felt Forum or made you light Pete Axthelm’s cigarettes. That draft era was kind of great because it was barely above public access quality. The Super Bowl wasn’t that far removed from being played in daylight with halftime shows from Up With People. The world was different then. Now it’s all lasers and overdriven music and Mel Kiper. As it’s become more of a blockbuster production, you are profoundly aware that: There’s no sport being played.It’s just young men finding out where they’re working in the fall.There are former players yelling at each other about the young men getting the new jobs.Roger Goodell might have the least amount of personality a human being has ever or will ever possess.Although baseball has made their own draft more of an event in recent years, they do not give it the import and high drama of the Vatican naming, like, six Popes at once. On the moon. Directed by Michael Bay.However, in the absence of any sports except for Korean baseball and a documentary about a team from 25 years ago, it filled a niche on Thursday night. In an environment where run-of-the-mill activity is welcome, the NFL’s annual overblown dog-and-pony show was…nice. The interviews were stilted and awkward. The talking heads yammered. There was a guy in a bathrobe. People were yelling at the Vikings. Then people really started yelling at the Packers. It was normal! Another change is that, instead of blowing through this all in a weekday, they spread this thing out for three whole days. You can just put this on in the background today and tomorrow and pretend everything is kind of as it was. Then you’ll switch over to FSN to see how the Twins are doing or pick up your phone and you’ll remember, “Oh, yeah. That.” But still, it’s a distraction. They’re hard to come by right now, and I enjoyed it. Click here to view the article