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'It’s not an existential threat to all human life but Byron is for sure going to be out indefinitely.’ When NASA astronomer Steve Bland observed a new asteroid hurtling through space earlier this month, he was alarmed. The object was clearly on a path that would send it directly towards Earth. “Obviously, that’s a nightmare scenario,” said Bland. “Even a relatively small object could wreak havoc on the impact area.” Further study relieved Bland and his co-workers when it was determined that the asteroid, named 2021 SB, would disintegrate rapidly upon entering the planet’s atmosphere. However, there was one note of concern. “Just from following the course it’s travelling through our solar system, there is zero doubt in my mind that it’s definitely going to land on top of Minnesota Twins center fielder Byron Buxton,” said Bland. It’s estimated that 2021 SB will be the size of a golf ball once it reaches Buxton and will likely end its grand celestial journey on his throwing shoulder or right big toe. “I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like this before,” admitted Bland. "Most asteroids do not target individuals." The Twins say they’ve been notified by NASA of the situation. “It’s not an existential threat to all human life but Byron is for sure going to be out indefinitely,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “We spoke with Byron and he’s as disappointed as we are.” Officials say the asteroid will likely reach Buxton immediately after his left hand is fully healed from the fracture suffered during Monday’s game versus Cincinnati. “2021 SB actually appeared to slow down on Monday evening,” said Bland. “It was on pace to get here on Wednesday but now looks like it’s taking its sweet time. Yes, that’s unusual.” Although Bland didn’t want to speculate on the actual date, time, and location, sources close to the team say they expect the space object to injure Buxton on his first day back with the Twins or on a St. Paul rehab assignment when he’s signing autographs for impressionable young children. View full article

‘This is a victory for the Twins and America,’ said the former Taco John's spokesperson. After a spirited series of phone calls, emails, and at least one in-person visit to the league office, former Minnesota Twins great Kent Hrbek announced Thursday that delicious, overstuffed hoagies are not on Major League Baseball’s banned substances list. “This is a victory for the Twins and America,” said the longtime first baseman. “I understand that we need to get illegal substances under control, but not at the expense of hoagies.” MLB’s plan to crack down on the items pitchers use to exert a better grip on the baseball has roiled the entire league. For retired players like Hrbek, it’s been a mixed bag. “I’ve never even heard of Spider Tack, go ahead and get rid of it. But I saw that they were coming after sunscreen. Heck, if they’re coming after suntan lotion, they might be coming after sandwiches that are laden with mayonnaise, oil, assorted mustards, you name it. I’ll be damned if that’s going to happen to the game I love.” Sources in the league office tell Twins Daily that while it was apparent that Hrbek was the only one concerned about this, he was persistent. “The avalanche of emails from his Hotmail address was substantial,” said one source with knowledge of the situation. “They weren’t threatening in any way, just very concerned about the visual and textural similarities of Coppertone and Hellmann’s Mayo. We honestly couldn’t tell if it was a bit, but then he followed up with a question about Miracle Whip and tuna salad.” “Miracle Whip is a garbage condiment,” said Hrbek. “But I’ll defend the right of every major league clubhouse to have it on hand for hoagies, sandwiches, grinders, and subs. We have to have common sense about what’s legal and what isn’t.” A spokesman for Major League Baseball said that the pre and post-game meal options in the clubhouses will remain unaffected by the substance ban. Hrbek was relieved. “I’m just a kid from the suburbs but I tell you what, you ever have one of those pita sandwiches? With the spicy lamb and hot yogurt? Brother, I’m not a fan of yogurt but that is a phenomenal sandwich right there.” Image license here. Flickr/JeffreyW View full article

Twins skipper hopes the '70s music legends inspire the team to turn a lost season around. With the 2021 season rapidly slipping away, Twins manager Rocco Baldelli needed to do something. With making the team healthier being out of his hands, he did what he thought best: put on some Steely Dan. “I think the players-only meetings and office sit-downs only accomplish so much,” said Baldelli. “What you really need are the sardonic lyrics of Donald Fagen, the tasteful guitar of Walter Becker, and the in-the-pocket grooves of the finest session players in Los Angeles.” When the players showed up to Target Field on Thursday after another punishing loss to the New York Yankees, they weren’t met with extra batting practice or a shouting fit from the coaching staff. Instead, the clubhouse was lined with shag carpeting, incense sticks, and the Dan’s 1973 album Countdown to Ecstasy booming through cabinet speakers. “This sounds like something my dad would listen to,” said catcher Ryan Jeffers. “I mean, it’s fine. The guy sure sings about drugs and sex stuff a lot.” Baldelli says he plans to go through the entire discography in hopes that the team will use the band’s jazz-inflected rock stylings and tales of southern California decadence to inspire them. “Their evolution from a touring band to creatures of the studio can maybe show the guys here that there’s more than one way to get after it,” said Baldelli. “When you get those Michael McDonald backing vocals on ‘Peg’ it oughta help clear your mind and let your natural talent and coaching do the rest of the work.” “This sounds like the music my dentist plays in his office,” said outfielder Trevor Larnach. “But then the lead singer who can’t really sing sings about Jose Cuervo and the caves of Altamira. I’m worried about Rocco.” For his part, Baldelli says he’s confident that he’s making the right move. “You know, when an engineer accidentally erased the recording of ‘The Second Arrangement’, Donald Fagen didn’t blow up. He simply walked out of the studio. So when I show up at the park and they tell me another player is out for two weeks because of whatever that day’s injury is, I ask what would Donald do? I don’t erupt. I simply walk out of the room.” When it was pointed out that Steely Dan didn’t record a new album for twenty years after that incident, Baldelli began to sob before composing himself and asking the reporter if he could pick out Mark Knopfler’s guitar on “Time Out of Mind.” View full article

"Next one's free," said a source familiar with the team's high-deductible medical plan. Caleb “Meat Raffle” Thielbar landed on the Minnesota Twins injured list Thursday with a strained groin, joining Byron Buxton, Mitch Garver, Kenta Maeda, Max Kepler, Luis Arraez, Devin Smeltzer, Rob Refsnyder, Jake Cave, and Edwar Colina. While this staggering list of casualties is alarming for both the front office and Twins fans, it’s a blessing in disguise for the team’s accountants. “We have ten players on the injured list,” said a senior employee with knowledge of the situation. “Next one’s free.” Multiple sources confirmed that the Minnesota Twins purchased the Major League Baseball Silver Plan for health insurance, which contains a codicil for catastrophic injuries stating that every player over the tenth on a team’s injured list will have all medical expenses covered. “It’s supposed to be triggered by acts of god, a tornado landing in the bullpen, Kent Hrbek bringing room temperature ‘guaca-mayo’ to the clubhouse, things like that,” said the source. “But the rapid accumulation of injuries did the trick.” This is a major change from previous years, when the notoriously thrifty team stuck with MLB’s Mild Bronze Plan, in which snake handlers, disgraced veterinarians, and bloodletters were considered primary care physicians, Tylenol cost $800 per bottle, and the only in-network hospital was the abandoned church in Stull, Kansas. “Given the pace of injuries, we expect at least 1-3 more Twins to be eligible for free care before players return to the active list,” said the source. “Did that Chinese satellite ever land? You’ve gotta figure it’s gonna fall right on Josh Donaldson’s calf. Hell, I’m calling it now.” NOTE: The interview with the source was cut short when a swarm of cicadas attacked J.A. Happ’s face. View full article

The team's recent run of near-competence has at least one fan convinced that things are turning around. Thursday’s off day allowed the battered Minnesota Twins 24 valuable hours of rest. What it did for the fan base was perhaps even more critical. “You know, they’re only nine games below .500,” said Ethan Adams. “Not even ten games out of first, either. Put together one more good week and now we’re talking.” Adams, an otherwise normal Waseca man with hopes, dreams, and a small HVAC repair business, credits the lack of a Thursday game with giving him the space to feed his grasping delusions of an unprecedented turnaround. “You get caught up in the grind of a regular season and miss the big picture,” said the 43-year-old. “Having some time to talk myself into not giving up on 2021 was so important. If there was a game, they might have lost. No game, no loss, no extra player or players on the injured list. That’s practically a win. I know all the so-called experts say it’s impossible, but what if they’re wrong this time?” Minnesota’s recent run of competence has come while playing the dreadful Baltimore Orioles. Adams says he’s bargained with the fact that it might just be that the competition was soft. “Do I remember the White Sox absolutely throttling them and Alex Colome being worse than Ron Davis and Byron Buxton getting hurt again,” asked Adams. “Yes I do. But the Orioles sweep just happened! Recency bias gets a bad rap in my book. They should call it recency badass. You can quote me on that.” Friends say this isn’t Adams’ first foray into desperate hope. “Ethan has more than once said to me that this year’s Vikings team ‘has the look,’” said longtime friend Samantha Thiede. “And I’m absolutely certain he means the look of a champion. The Minnesota Vikings. He’s lived here his entire life. I worry about him sometimes.” “All the other contenders will be giving up young assets to acquire players for the pennant race,” mused Adams. “All the Twins have to do is get back their healthy players and it’ll be all over but the shouting. Sets us up for the years to come, too.” “Every winter, he says this is the year Gophers basketball returns to glory,” said Thiede. “Again, he’s lived here his entire life. He follows these teams closely. He has to know that he sounds like a madman.” “It’s like The Rock in San Andreas,” said Adams. “Even if the odds are long, you don’t give up and you damn well take the fight to your opponent, even if it’s an earthquake and you just have your bare hands and a helicopter.” faf View full article

Team must now go by 'Minnesota Cocaine Dentists' for two weeks. When the Minnesota Twins took the field against the Los Angeles Angels for the second half of Thursday’s doubleheader, they technically weren’t the Minnesota Twins. In the latest twist involving baseball’s unwritten rules and the franchise, the road team was officially the Cocaine Dentists. “I’ve been in the game my whole life and this was news to me,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “But we’ve gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches this year, and now it’s up to us to go out there and play Cocaine Dentists baseball.” The unwritten rule stems from a turn-of-the-century handshake deal between a consortium of team owners and Philadelphia dentist Leo Thurm, who advertised himself as “the leading practitioner of cocaine dentistry and orthodonture in the Delaware Valley.” Thurm and the owners agreed that if any team in the league loses twice as many games as they've won, that team must change its name to Cocaine Dentists if the deciding loss comes in the first half of a doubleheader. When Los Angeles sent the Twins to a 14-28 record on Thursday afternoon, the rule was triggered. The team must now go by the name for the next two weeks. “As you can guess by the name, there is no written record of this transaction,” said Society for American Baseball Research CEO Scott Bush. “There’ve been whispers of it from guys like (longtime baseball journalist) Peter Gammons, but I don’t think anyone believed it despite it being just as deeply, deeply stupid as all the other unwritten rules. Then Wednesday happens and the Twins are the Cocaine Dentists for a while.” Cocaine, which is now illegal, was used as an oral anesthetic at the time of Thurm’s practice. Per Bush, it would behoove the Twins to get themselves out of the American League cellar, and not just because of a restless fan base. “If the any team gets no-hit three times, it’s alleged that the team with the worst record in the league must take the name of Thurm’s other business venture for the remainder of the season,” said Bush. “Seattle, Cleveland, and Texas have all been no-hit twice and it's not even June yet. I don't know that the public is ready for the Minnesota Thurm's Miracle Tincture to Increase Vitality and Good Bodily Humours in Your Colicky Newborn. Also, the tincture in question was just opium cut with Dr. Pepper and more opium.” As of this writing, Minnesota Cocaine Dentists hats, jerseys, and clothing all sit at number one in the MLB.com online store. View full article

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The controversial Kentucky Derby trainer is seen by some as a bold, if unconventional choice, to turn the team’s flailing fortunes around. With the Minnesota Twins 2021 season on the precipice of disaster, the team’s front office made it clear that they are willing to think outside the box in their efforts to salvage it. Bob Baffert, the scandal-ridden trainer of champion racehorses, has been brought on as a consultant and assistant nutritionist for the remainder of the 2021 campaign. “His track record speaks for itself,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “We’re not at all ready to give up on this year, we know we have playoff-caliber talent. Bob’s here to make sure we get the most out of it.” Baffert’s horses have won 16 Triple Crown races, but those victories have come with no small amount of controversy. Baffert-trained horses have failed multiple drug tests over his four decades in the sport, including four in 2020 and his most recent Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit. “We’re aware of the incident but we can’t comment on an ongoing investigation,” said Levine. “Bob said it won’t be a distraction and the culture Rocco (Baldelli) has built in our clubhouse ensures that it won’t.” Through a spokesperson, Baffert said he’s unconcerned with the transition from horse racing to baseball. “Horses run around the track. Players run around the bases. Same skill set, same concept. To suggest otherwise is a perfect example of cancel culture, frankly.” Twins players can best be described as intrigued but skeptical. “I guess I don’t mind the front office trying to shake things up,” said Twins third baseman Josh Donaldson. “But it’s weird. (Baffert) doesn’t call us by our actual names and has given us all horse names. I’m Midnight Son. (Jorge) Polanco is Timberline. And he keeps rubbing our haunches and asking if we’d like some more hay.” A clubhouse source said the 5-gallon buckets labeled “DINGER JUICE” and “STRIKEOUT BUTTER” observed by multiple reporters are “just standard training room fare.” The source also characterized inquiries about the contents of mason jars with “COSMONAUT URINE” emblazoned on the lids as “you sound like a cop, and you have to tell me if you’re a cop, I know my rights Obama.” Baffert’s only previous baseball experience was as a bench coach for the 2005 Florida Marlins, which is perhaps best remembered for the day Josh Beckett threw a 117 mph fastball against the Colorado Rockies before injuring his shoulder and being destroyed on the mound during Take Your Child to a Ballgame Day. (H/T to local man Jim Andrews for the inspiration.) View full article

"We’re almost to the finish line, Minnesota. Together, we can do this.”Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins. “I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.” Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the underperforming 11-19 squad no later than July 1st. PHASE 1 May 7: Fully vaccinated individuals can gather to craft “FIRE ROCCO” signage for use at home games before ushers remove them.Non-vaccinated or partially vaccinated individuals can write strongly worded posts on social media about the subpar play of Max Kepler, Miguel Sano, and Jorge Polanco.Minnesotans age 21 and older can take one (1) day off work at full pay, citing an “epic hangover, dude” after watching the bullpen crumble.Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get 25% off their first month of the Calm app. Use code “YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD ONE ACL BECKY? BATMAN. BATMAN HAD ONE ACL, BECKY” to subscribe.PHASE 2 May 28: All Minnesotans can gather indoors to be sad about baseball. Mask up if the group is 500+.All Minnesotans can yell at the sky about how unfair the injuries to Alex Kiriloff, Luis Arraez, or Byron Buxton are. Faith-based prayer and or cursing also acceptable and encouraged.Full-on heave crying in fully ventilated areas now permitted. Masks preferred but not required.If Minnesotans are choosing between an illegal stream of the Twins game or watching Twister on HBO, watching Twister on HBO is now recommended. Bill Paxton would have wanted it this way. Also way less spyware on the HBOMax app.Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get a free personal grooming kit from Harrys.com. Use the code “FIGHT ME, BUSTER OLNEY” to take advantage of this special offer.PHASE 3 July 1: If things are still bad, all Minnesotans can gather at the Blue Mounds State Park in Luverne to light a cleansing fire. It all burns in the fire. Snacks and refreshments will be provided. Corey Koskie will probably be there?Twins fans who are also Vikings fans can shift their focus to demanding Kellen Mond replace Kirk Cousins at quarterback even in poorly ventilated Willy McCoy's bar areas. Click here to view the article

Unlikable Chaska man hopes to return focus to Buxton’s injury history.On Thursday, Barry Daniel made the hard decision to delete an August 2017 tweet with a claim that even he could no longer defend. The tweet read “Face it, Twins apologists: Zach Granite is what Byron Buxton hopes to be. Deal with it. Sorry not sorry. #byronbuston.” The tweet also contained a GIF of Robert Redford slowly nodding in the film Jeremiah Johnson. Daniel said the intervening years have made this the wrong hill to die on. “While I’m very pleased with the hashtag, the fact remains that (Granite) hasn’t played in a major league game in four years and Buxton leads the league in twenty statistical categories,” said the 39-year-old bachelor. Daniel, who refused to wear a mask at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic and now only wears a mask outdoors “because the CDC has its own agenda,” said he will not apologize for the bad take. “I refuse to admit I’m wrong, and if you look at it in a certain light, some might argue that the tweet is entirely correct,” said Daniel. “But deleting the tweet can return the focus back to where it ought to be, and that is Buxton’s frequent injuries.” Buxton, who has missed a couple games this year with minor aches and pains, still leads the American League in home runs. Granite is currently with the Charlotte Knights, the Chicago White Sox Triple-A affiliate. “As we wait for his next stint on the DL, it’s very easy for his gaudy, me-first numbers to distract you,” said Daniel, whose only friend is Hitchens, a cat that hates him. When asked if he would delete the March 2019 tweet he made after the Twins traded Granite to the Texas Rangers (“Welcome to the World Series, Texas. Twins front office completely snookered again. #boygeniuses #yeahright”), Daniel said his account was likely hacked that day. Image license here. Click here to view the article

“Get your own thing,” the NFL team said in a strongly worded statement.The befuddling run of brain-scrambling Minnesota Twins losses has caused a lot of consternation among the team’s fans. It’s also caught the eye of the state’s professional football team. And not in a good way. “When Minnesota’s sports teams falter in a style that mixes cosmic ineptitude, shattered expectations, and the dumbest possible bad luck, there is but one team that Minnesota turns to, and that’s the Minnesota Vikings,” the team said on Thursday. This announcement came as the Vikings filed a cease-and-desist order in federal court to prevent the Twins from “damaging (the Vikings) brand by consciously and with malice aforethought utilizing copyrighted material.” The order cited the Twins’ most recent loss, a 13-12 extra-inning disaster at Oakland, as “pure content theft.” “Anyone with a working knowledge of football knows that losing a game in the last minute is public domain,” said the team. “But blowing a lead at the end of regulation, mounting a comeback in overtime, then blowing a lead again? That’s Vikings football. And when the final play involves an errant throw sailing over the intended target? Come on. He (Luis Arraez) may as well have had ‘Cousins’ on the back of his jersey.” The order also cited the baseball team’s big free agent signings as cause for concern. “Sometimes free agent signings don’t pan out, no one disputes that. But when one of them kick starts a plague outbreak and the other one is statistically the worst closer of all time at his current pace? May as well just steal the Gjallarhorn and put Helga braids on TC Bear. Get your own (expletive) thing.” The Twins could not be reached for comment. Rumors that the team plane landed in Deadwood, South Dakota by accident and the remaining healthy players are all hitchhiking back to Minneapolis could not be confirmed but are probably real. Click here to view the article

He knows what he did. Look at him.As Hansel Robles and Taylor Rogers surrendered another Minnesota lead on Thursday, Twins fans were up in arms. Did the Twins pull Michael Pineda one inning too soon? Was Robles the right call to start the eighth? Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins? While valid questions, multiple sources confirmed that Bryan Schafer of Prior Lake is responsible for Thursday’s bullpen collapse, as well as all the team’s recent struggles. The 37-year-old financial planner was not available for comment. “Just look at him,” said one source. “He’s done something. Something that just isn’t right. And who’s getting punished? The Minnesota Twins.” “You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s no good,” said a source familiar with Schafer’s personal life and internet browsing history. “A real sicko, that one. And now we all have to suffer for his actions.” Schafer has no criminal record and is a married father of two. “To tell the truth, I’m not really surprised,” said a member of Schafer’s fantasy football league who asked not to be identified. “He hasn’t changed his team name in 13 years. He always drafts kickers way too early. He brings beers to the draft that taste like black licorice. He’s only in the league because he was my buddy’s brother-in-law, and that marriage ended after she left him for the guy who detailed their pontoon. I didn’t know he had a family until you told me he had kids. A real odd duck.” While it might seem unlikely to blame Josh Donaldson and Byron Buxton's tender hamstrings on a man they’ve neither met nor known, some say it makes all the sense in the world. “OK, so the Twins came back to win Thursday’s game,” said another source. “Do you think that happens if a perv like Bryan doesn’t know we’re onto his little games? No way, buster. He’s trying to sneak one past us and it’s not going to work, Bryan. Sick.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

You’re a Seattle Mariner. Congratulations! Here’s how you can enjoy a relaxing day in the Twin Cities.Welcome to town! You have a rare Friday off during the regular season. You’re probably wondering what you can do. To be clear, there’s a very real chance you can’t leave your hotel because of MLB’s COVID protocols, but I’m not going to look that up. So, in case you have some mobility, here are some things to pass the time in our wonderful state. CONSIDER GLENCOE: A community about 45 minutes west of Minneapolis. Not only do you get to drive by the Bongards Cheese Factory Store and right through the bafflingly-named Norwood-Young America, but once you get to Glencoe, there’s a Burger King, a Subway, and Bump’s Family Restaurant. It’s had an operating post office since 1856. Wow! GO TO THE MALL: We have many malls. Rosedale, the Mall of America, take your pick, buddy. Do you like Sephora? We’ve got ‘em! Get a new signature scent to mark the time you’ve spent here. Hit up Goldy’s Locker Room for a Gophers hoodie to let people know you’ve been here! Food court lunch? Friend, you can have a food court lunch in so many places. It’s been said the Orange Juliuses in Minnesota have more real orange flavor. I can’t prove this! WATCH A MOVIE: Minnesota’s theaters are starting to reopen, and you can go to any one of them to watch Godzilla and Kong beat the hell out of each other. Can you do that in Seattle? Maybe! I could probably Google it! But, you’re here today and it’s cheat day for your training regimen. Get that extra squirt of butter on your popcorn, champ. WALK AROUND A LAKE: Sure, Seattle is on Puget Sound. But we have many fine lakes with walking paths. And you don’t need a ferry to get to any of them. It’s supposed to be rainy, but you’re from Seattle! You’ve got this! Go to one of our poncho stores if you need raingear! GO TO A MUSEUM: I’ve been to a museum in Seattle. It was fine. But have you ever wondered what a Minnesota museum looks like? This question is rhetorical! We have a butt-ton of museums around here. Become a learned man of letters on your day off. ORDER PIZZA: You’re probably bushed from all the activities you’ve engaged in above. Time to relax. In Minnesota, you can use your cellular telephone to order a delicious pizza, and they’ll bring it to your hotel room! Whoa! Some of them even cut it in squares instead of the traditional slices. Also whoa! This only scratches the surface of the fun you can have on your day off in Minnesota. Come back after the season ends and spend a week! You can take part in some trademark Upper Midwest autumn fun, like yelling at our professional football team or raking leaves and taking them to the neighborhood yard waste disposal and compost site. Good luck doing that in Tacoma. Click here to view the article